Tuesday, June 27, 2006

~ fate of love or uncertainity of realism ~

"we come into this world crying, but we must make sure we go from this world laughing. The day we stepped in this world we had no idea what we were heading for. We are on top of the world when someone who means the LIFE to you holds your hand, but with the twist of fate that very hand is taken is away from you and then you feel that someone has snatched your heard beat away and you find it hard to breathe. I think of main purpose of our existence is for one another. We live life for ourselves but for others. I know the reasons why I have to keep my heart beat working all the time, and the reason is for someone else heart beat to run. Well we might keep doing that al our lives, like we are doing it now, but that very person will continue life like there is isn't anyone who's watching them that close. The best way is to tell that how you feel about her/him, even if your not destined to be together, they will atleast know that there is someone who wants to protect everybit of them. So my advise is to tell them and the rest is upto her. If you never tell they would never know and your end up fading away the thoughts with time, especially when they have a own family, so please tell"

this is the text message which I received, not in a single one, this is compilation for the entire string of text messages which followed on one night at a stretch. this is not somethin new to me, we have this kind of conversation very frequently and disturb the minds of others and then we have a laugh about this. this is from a friend of mine, who in many circumstances understood what I was going through a period of time. what strikes me is that, how ever much we love someone and even if they don love us back the same way we wanted them to, that feeling would still be fresh within us. through time, soul searching and painful loneliness i've brought back the sunshine in my life now.

everything that happened to me, happened early and too fast for me grasp the depth of it. its only after gone past me i've realized the gravity and intense of it. when i didn't want to lose someone again i took the first dive in expressing my feelings verbally, which steered major catastrophe. but passing over and all that im living n loving again. im happy again. i've found someone is dearly in love with me, never imagined that would come true, but only dreamed of someone who would love me for who i'm. im not all that bad, just a lil bad ;-) its understandable how everyone wants to be loved and cared for. but i've someone who only gave and never expected anything back getting hurt, i've seen who've used someone's love to get what they want. its hard to define a border or line and say this is it, for love we go to extents we believe we would have never gone if we were not in love.

so is it something wrong to be in a state of mind where you would do anything for love and not do it for yourself? i've asked the question a zillion times, well thts the excuse i've been using in the past, that i ddint have anyone to change myeslf for. its nice to experience a change and feel love flow through you. love can hurt n heal. depends who you give it to. not out of my personal experience.its something what i have seen. so with that love is within all of us, its fate n uncertanity about each other that brings two together or rip apart to nothin.

Monday, June 12, 2006

~ dazzed weekend ~

woke up in the middle of ma sleep of rather second sleep, wondering what to do after rolling around too much in the bed and it was getting hot as well. so finally gave it up and dragged maself out of the throne(bed), after the usual morning chores, wondered what i had to do for the day as i made no plans previously, *ding* got a meeting at 1 remember, so had to go to office on saturday, which i never do, so privilaged and honoured, but dont know for how long. well picked up a ma package to be dropped before the meeting after office. went to office, nice to see an empty office, actually i prefer it that way, admist wht i go through 5 days of the week, man above in high heaven has decided to spare me for 2 days, thank him for tht.. got done with the last min prep for the meeting. dropped the package to a friend, had a quick chat, slipped to the meeting. on the way the stupid fone had to ring and embarrass me. i use to have a 6600, it was getting common every tom- dick- n- harry n jenny(blondes') ended up having it, so slipped it for an elite 6260, due to ma harsh usage managed to chip off the a key pad! so now im brought down to ma 2300, yes the lil butterfly model, so the guy whom im suppose to be having the meetings rings me to find out if im coming for the meeting, asked him to give me somtime will be there.. checked ma time.. oops im late. went there and it was over in a matter of 5 mins.. cant believe that he dragged me out of ma throne on a saturday for 5 mins meeting! was frothin furious but then something inside me asked me think of somethin sweet, ahhh ma sweet darling came to ma mind, wondering what she's upto. stood at the bus halt, wondering where to spend ma saturday afternoon at? hungry as havent food in ages, literally havent had proper food intake in about a month i think. so thinking of all the places, nothin comes to ma mind.

on the way home looking at the dark clouds and wondering would it start some rain and give me chill air? so i head home, pick up lunch at shop nearby, dropped ma pillows on the floor on the hall, switched on ma dvd player, slipped in a movie i bought over 3 weeks back didnt feel like it cos i as consumed by oc season 3 and x-men 3, i would support piracy to the fullest if they came out with good quality, but still piracy rocks. sat down, opened ma lunch, to find not enough curry! " i need alot of curry with rice" this is another day where i have to eat rice with less than visible curry. finished that, trying to stay awake.. but not, ma saturday evening nap consumes entirely and to find myself awake after couple of hours, movie has stopped playin and ma player has gone to snooze as well. hungry again. wondering what to do as it was too early for dinner. checked ma fone for any invitations or wake up calls, non! so happily rolled around for a while. was dark to turn on the light. started watching the movie from where i left, it was categorised as horror, found nothin horror about it than two hot grls in the movie, total JENNY*refer previous definition* finished that, ordered pizza, wait another half hour, walking around in ma balcony, found somethin, which im not goin to share! that kinda amused me and at the same time didnt wanna go to the balcony again. pizza arrives, im totally digusted by the sight of it, half cooked bacon, over roasted beef! complained to the manager.. wanted me to keep it as it is.. asked him to fly a kite as i was too hungry. calls me while im having ma half cooked pizza, to inform i wud get another pizza free with ma order.

that was about it no more drama, slipped on another movie. watched it in one time. time to get back to ma throne, was living all alone for three weekend and didnt do anythin which most teenagers would wanna do when their parents are out of house.

sunday wakes me up with a bright too much shine on ma face, took the piss off me. went on to morning black coffee, sipping ma coffee and switchin channels between split seconds and then later, ma mom decides to show up. had yummy lunch from ma aunts, which she cooked, i miss home cooked food! decide to go for a swim, ma usual sunday dip in the water, couple of lengths, rest of the breaths. getting the water off ma afro is a hassle, enjoyed the soup. headed home. for a peaceful dinner and then another movie. so thats about him. so s**** totally forgot why i started this, ma baby grl calls me from all the way in nz and i don recoginse her voice. well not ma fault entirely cos i havent heard her voice in 6 months. but then i didnt know where to stuff ma face, this happened on sunday morning. which the entire day i sat at home wondering how would i face her in real.. she calls to talk to me n i don recognise her voice. she is so badly goin to kill me. but i have a defense, ma smile, which she cant resist.. thts ma only weapon against her sweet innocence and everything about her.

Friday, June 09, 2006

~ care about you ~

this is something long over due, its a question which you asked me, but the answer to that is the meaning of our frienship. i dont know why this came into ur mind, out of the blue you asked me u cant find a reason why would i care about you so much and even trying harder. i put if off the that day saying don try hard, its somethin easy. well im putting down what i really want to tell you.

since day1 we met we were on the wrong books with each other, but as times went on we got to know about each other, u became friends with me when everyone else was not comfortable with ma language or general gesture. but i dont know what u saw about that made want to be my friend. but we progressed, through ma rough patches, through your rough patches. i knew how to handle ppl n problems my way when it goes wrong, but i couldnt watch u break down over a problem that you came across, even though u were strong, you blamed yourself for everything that went, thats when i came into being your problem, as im something u can handle and in front of you. im someone whom u can deal n put out all your frustration. like u never misjudged my anger and wanted me to control it, i was more concerned about you letting other ppl walk over me. everytime we use to fight, u wouldnt talk to me, u wouldnt answer ma txt, would keep everything to maself untill u would cool down about me. so i can blabber all again with you even though i wud have had the conversation with you in ma head.

there was everything i liked about you, i cant think of anything that i dislike about you. when you ended up caring for me and looking out for me when there was no reason to do other than a friend, i don think i need a reason to care for you. overtime we have grown up together now. but still i end up being the kid to you and you wud be the lil big sis to me. wonder to myself wht wud i have been without you! the track of life seems so blurr n dark to me. u made come out of my fears. the last few mins of the fathers' life, everything that is connected to that, going to a hospital. but there was a moment when i was scared of losing you, even though there was nothing that i could have done. something about seeing you was less painful than to never see you again. but all that is past now. that day is still so fresh in my mind, the sight of you lying on the bed, with tubes and needles stuck on you. just too scary and still freaks the day light off me. everything about you has a meaning and is special. everyday seems like a brand new day. everything you done for me is a miracle which i never expected. when u say friends were a season and they come to our lifes for a purpose, i use to think, i always think of only ur purpose, i wondered what my purpose in meeting you? two different ppl dont meet without a purpose. you've done everything that i can expect from a friend, you've given me your time, your attention, your patience, your wisdom, your simplicity.

there is so much of the couple of years we been together which is still fresh in ma mind. but everything is past. i still wish u were here, to be with me wht i'm going through so much. something which you wanted to see me change to, im doing everything with all my power and strength to break the chains and whom im today. everything owed to you.. guess now you know why i care so much about you....