Tuesday, October 30, 2012

~ need you ~

I wish I hadn't gotten so close to you like I did.
Although I never told you or showed you how much I would miss you when you were not around.
I need to find a new beginning, for a new beginning I need to kill this me.
There is no room for mental blocking. No more putting emotions in blocks.
My mind can only take so much.
Sometimes there is fight between too many of me, ripping out each other.
I'm torn between, the side that wants to drop everything and get on my knees for you.
The other that says’s, to fuck it all, end everything.
The other that say's, time will heal everything.
The other, you deserve this with sinister laugh.
There is only one thing that is keeping me holding onto the last strain of thread between us.
If I let that go, I’m afraid, there won’t be me anymore, all that you've tried would be of vain.
I can’t remember the last time I heard your voice, but it still echoes in mind,
The laugh the ripples through you when I tickle you,
The silent hisses, those starring eyes, those never resting fingers,
Everything is far damn too etched not in memory, but in me.

I remember you every time I’m in the shower,
When I wear the shirt you like the most,
Whenever I take a pic of me,
When I listen to the songs you wanted me to listen to,
Watching a TV series you got me hooked on,
That familiar perfume smell on anyone else.
I remember you, when I pass by the now closed coffee shop,
Where it use to be a hide out just for a few mins with you
How much I wanted you to stay back with me when you wanted to leave each time.

There is so much I wish I had told you, but instead I chose my silence.
Not even when you asked me what I want, but did you wait for me to answer.
We saw the same thing with two different perspectives.
You don’t know what I would give to turn back the time.
This time for real, not just in hopeful wishing, but in its true meaning.

I wrote something the below when I was only passing by the closed coffee shop, my fingers began on its own, typing away on the phone -

“I keep passing by the road I used to take, the same road I have to take to come to see you. High in anxiety, thinking what you going to wear, hoping you won't be late which brings a demon out of me, if you're going to give me that coy sexy smile of yours when you see me. The thought of holding your hands and not saying a word, looking into your eyes, feeling soft palms, you trying to pull them away cause of how much you sweat and I would still want to hold your hand ever so tightly and give in, how you bite your lower lip and look away teasingly, how you try to run your fingers on my shirt, trying to taking off a button, waiting for me to dare you to do try it and I don't let you take it off. I remember you in ways you would have never imagined. At times I think I'm a fool. A fool who was madly deep in love with inside but never showed you; maybe that's why they say action speaks louder than words. It was always words with us, we talked about life, photography, porno, suicide, love, past, future, dreams, sex, color of nail polish, lingerie, parents, obligations, work, endless list of things. You said you love me; I'm a fool who couldn't comprehend that. You didn't even want a reply, unconditionally you did love me, but what was I waiting for? I could never tell you my feelings; it’s like in a cage, where there is deep scars and emotional damages. My mind forms a cocoon at each emotional scar, blocking it out so I would never be felt that hurt or disappointment. You should have come way before in my life, a time which I was a lot more carefree and wild. Yes but then you wouldn't have met or talked. When all your emotions are blocked out in a cocoon, there is only a memory of that emotion in your mind and sometimes there is only so much my mind is capable to holding onto. The memories it holds are all that's left inside it. The memory of who I was once, who I was with once, everything is just a memory now. What will I be today without those memory? Now you've become that memory, that cocoon I need to have once again, this time not out of hurt but to preserve that memory of you. We may never meet, wish that you wouldn't see me walking by with another woman in your life; I know what that would do to us. What I began to write a line has become more than just now. Every passing building has a suppressed memory about the conversations I've had with you in my mind when I'm on the way to meet you.”

I miss you too much. More than you’d ever know.