Sunday, April 18, 2010

~ beginning of an ending ~

........“So why did you want to see me then” turning almost frustrated. “I’m getting married, I wanted to tell you that in person, I want you to come, I want you to be there”

The words “I’m getting married” kept playing over and over again in his head, he stood there dumbstruck. He couldn’t think of anything to respond to what she just told him. He knew this eventuality, it had played in his mind that he would find out that is she is married, with kids and happy with her husband. But this is not a scenario which played in his picturesque mind. He had no words to tell her, he stood there almost looking blank past her; she turned to look back to see if he was looking at her still or someone else in the large sitting area of the hotel. She kept waving to bring him back to reality of obscure noise, he snapped back that instant. His mind raced to say “no to her, that she couldn’t do this to him, leaving him wasn’t enough, but she wanted him to be there?” Before he could ask or say no to her, he managed to flush out a smile, took it in his hand. She said her bye; he had nothing in return to give her. She turned back, “I want to see you there”.

All that came into his mind right now was only of the happy moments they both shared together, images so vivid, the smell of her skin was still lingering in his head, even though it’s been two years since he last saw her. Only question in his head, “WHY”, he mumbled almost in out loud, he stood there trying to grasp what just happened to him and drew a breath almost like his last. He wasn’t hit by a truck on the highway, nor was he taken down by someone bigger in size, he wasn’t hurt in anyway physically, but she just managed to yank out his soul like, if there was anything left of him now. He didn’t have an answer to her wish, he avoided her for the same reason that she would do this to him again. He let down his guard and at the very first chance, he was lost once again.

He had only wished and prayed for strength to not lean into the dangerous deeds. Over the last two years, he had been through enough in his mind, and right at this moment, everything that he worked through didn’t matter. He was about to leave a trace of sadness at the corner of his eyes, out of reflex, his eye lids closed to shut out the world and in the tear. He had lost all belief in a relationship, in a normal relationship, but yet he managed to stay away from his physical needs. He was only at the edge of throwing of everything he was holding it together, he pitifully gave away in belief that she might return to him one day. His conscious however was stronger, “Once you’re gone, you’re gone”. He recited like a prayer, prayer, something he had lost all hope in two years ago, on the very first day he made it to church in a long time.

Now he didn’t need a reason to throw it away all, one could question his way, his words, his actions. If there was a price for the things he’s about to do, he was willing to give it away for the eternity of hell according to his fore father’s religion. His belief had long died, only thing he believed right now was of karma, he had a saying inside his head, “karma’s a bitch and she just loves to fuck with me, just as much I did with her”. Indeed karma was just that to him. He was swatting away the invitation, he sighed, “invitation to what, to watch another man take you in front of me”. He was pondering on what he has done to deserve to be where he was now. He thought this was the price he had to pay for the rest of his for his guilty pleasures.

Blows of images of his intimacy with other woman before just kept racing his mind, his boisterous care free years, everything before her, ran through his mind, a voice in his mind remind, “everything’s got a price, you’ve got to pay every single one of them”. He wanted to throw his fist into something hard, to feel pain, to shake away this numbness, this coldness, he’s been using to hide under, but this was not the place to express his deep inner anger, disappointment, with himself. He felt the vibrator on his phone go off, it took him more than few seconds to realise that it was not a message but a call. Unknown number again, he wondered who the hell wanted to talk to him at this time, “hello” in a more muffle tone, “look I am really sorry about what happened between us, I never got a chance to explain, why I had to let you go”, He broke her off in the middle of her sentence, “I’m getting another call, and I’ll call you later”. His defence mechanism kicked in instantly, he was even surprised, that his instincts were rusty always; never the most polite like manner, but today it served its purpose. He closed his eye for a second, before he felt the vibration in the palm of his hand. Unknown number again, “would you listen to me for once”, he cut her short again, “look now is not the best time, please don’t push it, I don’t want to say something I don’t mean and just make my day even worse for me, so I need some space, I’ll call once I get my head around this”.

He wasn’t even back to square one now, it was almost like he was in a place he’s never been, so lost, so angry, so frustrated, but this time, with nobody else, but with himself. He knew instantly, this anger meant only one meaning, destruction, something not out of teenage rage, but this time it was more than that. The light in him was diminishing with the rage of his voice, “so much for believing in fairy tale ending in your life”. Muffled obscene escaped his lips, he knew he should not stay any longer, he felt the vibration in his hand, “office, shit he thought, I can’t deal with another, where are you, you’re supposed to be in office lecture” he thought, he was in no mood to answer any call.

Yet he could call only one person right now, he dialled numbers so fast, it took time to display on the screen, “pick up pick up pick up, damn it, where the hell are you when I need you, why the hell do you even have a mobile”, muffled and only inside his head. The voice on the other end trying to sound in a pissed off tone, “why can’t you answer my call you shit”, he cut her short “I’m in no mood for that, meet me at the mall”, “who do you think you are” in her usual playful tone, “I told you I’m in no mood for that shit, can you come or not, I have something to tell you, I don’t want to do it in office, can you come or not?” he waited a second, two, three for her reply, “you picked the wrong time to play with me”. His thumb pressed so hard on the red button on the phone, it almost made his thumb go numb for a split second. He was in no mood to play games with her.

His feet rushed up on the stairs, he was not in a mood to wait for the lift. She was standing there, “how dare do you do that to me?”, he snapped instantly, “you just picked the wrong time, wrong day to play with me”, he walked past her like she didn’t even exist there, it was a beginning of an end, it was the beginning of the end to a lot of things in his life.

Friday, April 02, 2010

~ past in present ~

There was sudden silence filling the room, he broke the silence, “what do you want out of this”. She looked at him perplexed “what do you mean”. His tone has gotten a lot more straightened out, “what are you getting out of this”. She was taken by his question; she paused, turned around, away from him. There was silence once again filling the room, he didn’t know what he was doing with her. He began with a sigh, she stopped him, turned around and kissed him, before he could say anything. She broke from the kiss slowly, leaving her fingers tips on his lips, “take me home please” was the only words that came from her of the rest of the night. It was a long drive back to the city, it seemed even longer when she was silent, looking out for the vast open sea, her view was interrupted with buildings and other landscapes as they were nearing small towns on the way back to the concrete jungle. She felt his hand on her thigh, his hand lay motionless and she was having the same feeling running through her body, just like first touch. She moved her eyes away from the sea and towards him; her hands came over his and held them tight.

Her silence said it all, it was over between them. She gave a spot pat and she moved his hand away from her. His eyes turned towards her and then back to the long stretch of road almost like a tarmac. His mind was fixed with only thing, getting away the weekend. He wanted to be far away from it all. An hou or more later, they were at her apartment lobby entrance, he got down to get her bags, she took them from his hands. She kissed him on his cheeks, “thanks for everything, you deserve someone better, let her go”, she walked away from him, no turning back to look at him even once. He let out a loud sigh, shrugged his shoulder and got back into the car, turned around and back to his empty house. Switched on his hall lights, flipped the keys on the table, walked into his to change into his towel and for a shower to wash away everything. But a shower was not going to wash away everything he knew.

Couple of weeks passed by, there was no call, no text messages, no email. He went about with his work, didn’t pay much attention to his loneliness, which was he was reminded of each time he saw any couple, his mind instantly swing to his memories of holding the love of his life’s hand. There was nothing he could do to shift time back and correct which he wanted. He could only close his eyes and reminiscence about the time they had been together, those late night walks at the almost empty mall after a quick dinner or laughing and fighting over a milkshake. He would shake off the image in his, he was not ready to let go nor was he able to live in those memories any longer.

“Hello”, a familiar voice, his heart was racing faster, he was gasping for air; he knew instantly to whom the voice belonged, “How did you get this number”. This was his office line which he never used or has no memory of calling her from this number. “Oh well I have my ways, how are you doing” was the reply of the familiar, he had thought he would never hear her voice or see her again, but here she was talking to him “I’ve been alright, going on” is all that he could come up, “how are you doing and how did you get this number”. Her answer began with the most familiar giggle he knew of “I’ve been good, thanks”. He didn’t know what to tell her or ask her, “are you back” was the first of the questions he managed to come out with. “Yes, I’m back, I’ve been here for about a week now”. There was a pause before she began again, “I need to see you, I have something to tell you and give you, when are you free for me”. He took a good second or two before he answered her, “are you sure, we should meet”. She broke his sentence, “aren’t you still one of my mate?” was the most obvious question she could come out with. He couldn’t come up with an answer to her question, sighed and he began, “yes I’m still the guy you use to know, haven’t changed much.” “So when are we meeting”, he wanted to avoid meeting her even though he’s been dying to see her at least once again, but he knew better, besides what is it that she wanted to see him for, running countless times again and again. “Oh I’m kind of stuck with some work these few days, how about next week?”, her voice turned cold, “ so you don’t have time for me anymore, so much for thinking you’d be still the same”. He cut her off short, “I want to meet you, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing” she cut him short, “won’t take much time, I just need 15 minutes of your time, do you think you could do that for me?” was her pleading request, he couldn’t say no. “Where do you want to meet up and when?” he had no say in this what so ever, “usual place, same place where we meet, by 2, is it ok with you” was her quick reply. “I don’t have a say in this what so ever do I?”, she began “just 15 minutes of your life, that’s all I’m asking”, he agreed to meet her.

Still holding onto the phone, with line gone dead, he was thinking “you want only 15 minutes of my life when I was willing to spend my lifetime with you”. He sighed and had to put his head back to work, to take his mind off the last 5 minutes, which was sure to turn things around, for good or for worse he didn’t know yet, only one question reminded perpetual to him all the while, what is that she wanted to give him or tell him, that was so urgent. He couldn’t let his mind wander when he had work on this plate more than he could handle without all his concentration. Calling it a day, he couldn’t give mind about tomorrow, because he was already beat up for today. His mind raced to the second he answered the phone, thinking about her, his mind kept playing back over and over again only thing “I need to see you, I have something to tell you and give you”. He tried to figure what is that she wanted to see him for so urgently.

He picked up the shirt she liked to see him, dark blue. He was on his way to office, his mobile rang with a familiar number but no name and he thought could it be her. “Hey I’m on my way, are you there yet or still on your way” from the same familiar voice. “I’m still on my way to office, I’ll be there by 2”, “ok, see you then”, the line went dead. He was growing more impatient to find out why she wanted to see him. He knew he would know the answer to that question very soon. Quickly settled in office before he made excuse to rush out of office on the pretence of lunch and head out to the place he was suppose to meet her. He walked past a couple of the stores on the mall, few new shops have turned up and some missing, “times have changed” he thought.

He was waiting for her; he saw her coming through the large arch rolling doors. She picked her mobile, looking for him; he was almost standing straight in front of her only few meters away from her. He could only sigh and wave at her, she saw him at last and almost a relieved smile showed up on her face. He was thinking “stop killing me all over again with that smile of yours”. He leaned forward to give her a hug, she didn’t move, “I can’t be seen with you, I had to put a argument with mom to come today” in a soft tone. “So why did you want to see me then” turning almost frustrated. “I’m getting married, I wanted to tell you that in person, I want you to come, I want you to be there”