Tuesday, December 18, 2012

~ stickit notes ~

Days keep passing by like there is eternity, but I know I should have had that eternity with you. Today is too late. You've moved on. I should move on. I've moved on, or so to speak in the figurative sense, of our dreams, funny how I still say it as our dreams. Then again, you were the dreamer and I was merely aiding you in them, finally you made me fall for them and went away. I don't blame you for anything. We were worlds apart, but differences is what made this entire facade, a dream to over flow into our real lives. I know where I went wrong, its a wrong I cannot correct myself, its the path that I walk that I cannot realise or reason in anyway you or anyone could understand. I'm far more sensitive on the inside than my demeanour. I guessed you should have known or read it how sensitive I'm about a lot of stuff. A steady relationship is only a illusion to me. Its not even merely a theory in my life. When everyone you've gotten close to, opened up to, looked up to, just kept walking away, disappointing you, hurting you, leaving you vulnerable, all you do is build walls. You know very well how good I'm at building walls very easily, how stubborn I can be, how much I can block things from my memory. I don't want to put you in a box, pack you off into a deep dark corner in my memory. I want you to live it. You've opened me up to so many things that I can never change about myself. But only remember those memories you gave to last forever. Thank You. I Miss You. Forever. You mean a lot to me thank you give yourself credit for. Maybe this a good bye note. Cause you never I would actually get to give one, so here it is, the first and last note I've given you.

Monday, November 12, 2012

~ hate ~

How much did I hurt you that you had to walk away from me?
I know that question cannot be fathomed in words, but only makes me realize what I've lost in my life.
Without you anymore, it simply doesn't make my life less complicated.
It only makes me more empty, when all I did was make room for you in it.
It may not seem in the quantity or as per your view, but I was slowly starting to make room for you.
Now without you in it, I'm only more reckless.
This broken soul is with a conscience because of you.
You were a reason why I'm still breathing and writing this.
Yet you I've made you to choose for you to walk away from me, sever all ties and disconnect me.
Is that how much you hate me?
Or is that how much I've made you to hate me?
Question question question.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

~ need you ~

I wish I hadn't gotten so close to you like I did.
Although I never told you or showed you how much I would miss you when you were not around.
I need to find a new beginning, for a new beginning I need to kill this me.
There is no room for mental blocking. No more putting emotions in blocks.
My mind can only take so much.
Sometimes there is fight between too many of me, ripping out each other.
I'm torn between, the side that wants to drop everything and get on my knees for you.
The other that says’s, to fuck it all, end everything.
The other that say's, time will heal everything.
The other, you deserve this with sinister laugh.
There is only one thing that is keeping me holding onto the last strain of thread between us.
If I let that go, I’m afraid, there won’t be me anymore, all that you've tried would be of vain.
I can’t remember the last time I heard your voice, but it still echoes in mind,
The laugh the ripples through you when I tickle you,
The silent hisses, those starring eyes, those never resting fingers,
Everything is far damn too etched not in memory, but in me.

I remember you every time I’m in the shower,
When I wear the shirt you like the most,
Whenever I take a pic of me,
When I listen to the songs you wanted me to listen to,
Watching a TV series you got me hooked on,
That familiar perfume smell on anyone else.
I remember you, when I pass by the now closed coffee shop,
Where it use to be a hide out just for a few mins with you
How much I wanted you to stay back with me when you wanted to leave each time.

There is so much I wish I had told you, but instead I chose my silence.
Not even when you asked me what I want, but did you wait for me to answer.
We saw the same thing with two different perspectives.
You don’t know what I would give to turn back the time.
This time for real, not just in hopeful wishing, but in its true meaning.

I wrote something the below when I was only passing by the closed coffee shop, my fingers began on its own, typing away on the phone -

“I keep passing by the road I used to take, the same road I have to take to come to see you. High in anxiety, thinking what you going to wear, hoping you won't be late which brings a demon out of me, if you're going to give me that coy sexy smile of yours when you see me. The thought of holding your hands and not saying a word, looking into your eyes, feeling soft palms, you trying to pull them away cause of how much you sweat and I would still want to hold your hand ever so tightly and give in, how you bite your lower lip and look away teasingly, how you try to run your fingers on my shirt, trying to taking off a button, waiting for me to dare you to do try it and I don't let you take it off. I remember you in ways you would have never imagined. At times I think I'm a fool. A fool who was madly deep in love with inside but never showed you; maybe that's why they say action speaks louder than words. It was always words with us, we talked about life, photography, porno, suicide, love, past, future, dreams, sex, color of nail polish, lingerie, parents, obligations, work, endless list of things. You said you love me; I'm a fool who couldn't comprehend that. You didn't even want a reply, unconditionally you did love me, but what was I waiting for? I could never tell you my feelings; it’s like in a cage, where there is deep scars and emotional damages. My mind forms a cocoon at each emotional scar, blocking it out so I would never be felt that hurt or disappointment. You should have come way before in my life, a time which I was a lot more carefree and wild. Yes but then you wouldn't have met or talked. When all your emotions are blocked out in a cocoon, there is only a memory of that emotion in your mind and sometimes there is only so much my mind is capable to holding onto. The memories it holds are all that's left inside it. The memory of who I was once, who I was with once, everything is just a memory now. What will I be today without those memory? Now you've become that memory, that cocoon I need to have once again, this time not out of hurt but to preserve that memory of you. We may never meet, wish that you wouldn't see me walking by with another woman in your life; I know what that would do to us. What I began to write a line has become more than just now. Every passing building has a suppressed memory about the conversations I've had with you in my mind when I'm on the way to meet you.”

I miss you too much. More than you’d ever know.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

~ i wish ~

I wish i had asked you to stay.

I wish i had smiled a lot more at you.

I wish i had told you I needed you more than you thought I did.

I wish you would have pushed me more over the edge to be with you.

I'm writing after so long, cause it hurts you're no longer there.

What hurts me most, you might be with someone else cause I couldn't be with you.

Friday, January 06, 2012


I want this year to count. I've spend about the whole of last and my existence so far lounging I would say. Why this sudden guilt feeling you may ask! Enough of being a doormat or step stone for somebody else. So I've decided this year - 

Starting Writing more, at least one paragraph for a day (Day 6 - still not even one)
Save! - Not starve and save, but cut down on mac, expensive restaurants, clubbing & drinking.
Lose some weight, having told your cholesterol is above limit and given the family medical history, take a early warning.
Travel - See another country or take a holiday other than India, I haven't fully seen India either, but saying enough of aunts pampering food which makes you put on so much :) (all depends on savings)
Find a job that you love - enough having worked for corporate that foots your expensive lifestyle, you need to start thinking of a career or even a job that you like to do and not resent it every morning you wake up.

If by Dec 31st 2012 I have managed to do at least 3 of the above then this has been a good year for me!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

~ back ~

I'm back just in time for the partying and celebrations!

Wishing everyone a brand New Year with lots of health, wealth, love and smiles!

Have fun everyone!

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

~ end of 2K11 ~

So its almost the year end, my last week at work - I wont be seeing the desk or lack thereof in office until the 3rd of January in 2K12, starting this Friday. That being said, i need to decide if i should take a holiday (by that i mean to India) the one and only place i can afford on quick blink of eye, spur of the moment place to hop over to relax, or maybe not sometimes. This time I've got 3 weeks off, thinking what am i going to do there for that long! since i'm going to be alone and nothing interesting to do! so that leaves me with a dilemma of going or not! with the ticket prices going up everyday, i might have to settle for Sri Lankan airlines.

Enough about my mundane, how has people been? I don't write anymore, but i see a lot of people have dropped the post rate as well. Is life too busy for everyone or its boring like how it is for me. Nothing excites me anymore, why does everything feel like I've lived eons over it? I don't write anymore, even pen and paper doesn't give me inspiration anymore, all i can come up with is broken love. So I've actually given up on writing too.

I couldn't even write this on one stretch!

Year has been good, bad, couldn't get any worse (well i wouldn't count on that)..but i'm still here.

So to everyone! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! this might the last post for the year!