this is something that struck me a lil while ago and its been a work in progress in my mind, finally crashing the work aside and putting my thoughts into visible words. to start with my conscience is alive cos of someone. so i guess that would mean it belongs to someone or its someone else's voice that act rule my conscience. to myself being wrong / bad / hated / felt disgusted so on and so forth is easy, but living it right / good / most loved is the hardest way. so far i've been choosing the life on the single behind doors life, choosing myself to be wrong / bad / hated cos i never cared about what others said. even now there is not much of difference when it comes to people whom mean nothing in my life except a face which i have to cross everyday and all they can do is bitch about you or talk ill about you with others cos ur more friendly with them or more close to another. having said all this, i've learnt to be soft, learnt to try to understand someone close to you, try to draw a smile when your with them.
my conscience belongs to someone whom i've done all the writing about. i dont get the logic behind how a woman can be powerful and have the ability to create / destroy a man!! in mine it has happened both ways, she happened to be the one who created the man i'm doing and she has worked alot towards that. all i've done is stuck to her rules n regulation. that was the hardest part for me. but then again understood its all the cause for me so why not give it a try.
having said my conscience belongs to someone then who am i? that would be myself on the outside and the other side aka the past. the present is of conscience, the inside of me, cos i feel guiltiness when i do somethin wrong by my conscience. so i've been acutally brought to light and life by this conscience. the battle between the two has erupted between the two and both have had thier triumphs. when the me has own over the conscience it never quit, never gave way, always said there will be another day to prove u can be right and ur good. its easy to say humans can mistake but that doesnt give the right to make the mistake at the cost of another person's feelings. to me all that mattered was what it wants, to conscience it always meant to make someone else life better or happier.
i've let down my conscience and given way to me in alot of ways that i'm proud about. there was days when i was proud of my wrong doings, not anymore. my conscience have consumed over me and made me feel guilty about the wrong. don't want to make the same mistakes again. its temptation vs resistance n love from a close. thats what i'm most guilt about, having to let down someone who believe in you. never really occured to me how i drew the attention of such a wonderful character in my life. never would want to be away or apart, even then she is my conscience today, tomorrow and next n on. so there is nothing right about what i've done but i can do right the from now. whats done cannot be undone, what matters is what we do today for our tomorrow. people dont take time to give a second chancee but my conscience has given me more than enough of chances and yet i've let her down and yet she at my side to tell me to listen to my conscience. its a long walk for me but with my conscience within me its a walk im willing to take, not an easy path but its something that i need to do.
A Friendless Year
4 months ago