~ thinkin about... ~

ok, i've come across many faces in my life, only a few or the long list next to come have managed to make an impression in me. is more or like lesson i learnt from them and made of myself who im today. to kick off, i think its fine to start with my roots...ma parents.

dad ~ hmmm lived with him only 14 of my 21yrs on earth. first seperation at an age i was so care free about and didnt realise that i wouldnt be seeing him next morning, thats when he left india n came to sl, when i was 6-7. then we(mom n myself) came to sl when i was 9. so back together, still there wasnt much, but i got to be with my father. then its the usual teenage when the father n son don get along n i was myself like always, hard headed n too bold to stand against ma dad and everythin he said i made a point to stand against. after 16 bday, i lost him for the rest of my life. he would not be there when i come home, he wouldnt be there to feel proud when i achieve things in life, he wouldnt be there for anythin more in my life. i don wanna turn back time n not to do those things which i did. but i want him here now, to show i didnt turn tht out to be that bad after all, like u presumed i would throw away my life, though even now i have a long way to go in life.

to start telling about the man, he is opposite of me. he's family guy. born as the 3rd in the family of 5 children. the middle, so equally respected and looked upon. ma grandmom's fav son and im guessing he's more like my grandad, i don remember much of him, though i have memories of his traits in my father. its some charm about him i suppose. everyone in the family was so in love and respect when it comes to him. a simple man, who had a day job, worked hard as a man could and get his family through the day. he was able to keep a roof our head, 3 meals a day, gave his son good education. never lived it luxuriously. his world was about family. he was someone to abide by his parents and not take the chance for leaving the country for better things when it was laid in his hands. ma g'dad refused to send him, cos two of his bros were already abroad. so he stayed back.. imagine that?!?! wht wud have turned out to be if that happened... when i my gmom fell ill, he would go to see her everyday. i look upto him in that sense, he gave everythin for a better family n means of better living not with money but with love and affection. he was not a go getter, he had reached the prime of his to call it quits i suppose. i didnt feel the emptiness when he passed away, since we never got along at that time.. i was just numb. later when i started having the good things in life i wish he was here to prove him he was wrong i became right. thanks to him i learnt to defy anythin on my wy to find out whats out there. its one thing to have independance and another to have the raw thirst. i learnt it from to push n find out. i wanted the finer things in life. he couldnt afford it cos he had a family i dont. i had to fight hard for anythin i want, and the fight gets tougher each day, even now.

i was not brought up in luxury, but i wanted to be kick a** kool kid. being a big time showoff i was, i pushed it with just about anyone didnt care. i had a bunch of friends who wre hard heads, we wre not to mess with. im doing everythin he wouldnt have dreamed of. right now i wish he was here to tell me wht i was doing was wrong n i don need to live in luxury but i would have it to show him there is nothin wrong in luxury. he wanted me to do good in life, maybe thts the reason he pushed it with me n lost me. i'm doing goood! the pride i get out of sayin im his son, the hush/smile/bright lit eyes from ppl is just too good. everyone in the family now looks at me like they use to look at him. its both hard n good. the responsibility of having to carry his name. but i've told the family, im not like him, im bred to defy and rock my way in life the way i want to. i wont make the mistake/choice he made in his. this is my dad my life... he never taught me anythin while he was there, now he's making me realise what im missing.

mom ~ hmmm sweetest and é most annoying person in my life. been with her throughout. saw her cry her heart when her dad passed away, when i was barely 4/5. been in the middle of my fights with myself n dad. well i use to get clobbered from her big time when i was kid even till about 12. i use to get massacred. if its one thing you should know, i got my short temper from her. its just in the blood. very sweet to everyone. outgoing. innocent to the max, doesnt realise wht she's doing when she saying somethin. im more mature at my age than my mom. couldnt say she was there always cos maybe i never went to her. when i earned my independence at a very young age, i just didnt rely on anyone, i just went about on my own wy i didnt bother about wht they wanted to say... i just did wht i want n thats it. during my dad's loss she was borken down. thats about it. no two words about. completely brought her down to a halt. she use to talk about my dad being with her, this at few months. she would have sleepless nights, break into tears all of a sudden. i use to be harsh, as i wanted to get over it fast. i use to be very harsh on her. she didnt have anyone else to talk to and all the buggin..

now she's much better, proud of her son. but doesnt like his peircin, his clothes sense, all the late night(rather comin of next early morning) almost how i live. to here i would always be a kid, no matter how much i age n become of. just like that and im sure all mom are this with thier kids. they don wanna let go. but my mom has some wht given me the choice of freedom. how i want to make use of my freedom is upto me. i use to wish my wife wud be same as my mom, this is at a very young age.... now NO - cause i cant handle two of the same ppl in one house. no way. i don wan my wife to be anythin like my mom. i hate to told to do somethin early in the mornin. i need my cup of coffee right when i roll out of bed. im very picky about household stuff. from her i learnt wht a woman needs in a life. she just matched my dad so much. she is simple. she spends nothin on her, but wud spend a galore on other ppl. doesnt fancy eating outside, infact ordering pizza is too fancy for her. thats her upbringing. with all these i've managed to get her into the techy side. got her a mobile, which she was reluctant to use. then next i get a head knocking bill which went more than my bill. watches all the latest movies, tamil and now english as well. atleast i have to show how to be a lil fancy...

so thats ma foundation. where i come from to who i'm today...