Friday, November 24, 2006

~ past of my future ~

a man's future is made by the past and the present
been a long time since i felt low to write something heavy
Im writing now cos im not heavy at heart or low in strength to fight but
im goin back to ma roots of writing to start once again where i came from
a true character of a man and the people would be known when a man is at his lowest n darkest
those around him would either lift him up or let him rot
i was someone of no care to others
i lived by my own rule - i have my own problems i don give a f about wht happens around me
then one day storm just swirled into my life out of no where and took over me n changed me

i feared nothing, i had made myself feel there is nothin as feeling or emotion
its nothin other the state of mind at one given point of time
in my solidarity i learnt to control my feelings my emotions
i learned to be self sufficient, to be stronger, to be hard headed, to take what may come by, leave wht may leave
never string onto anythin, nothin in this world is permanent
it was fear of losing someone again made me feel this way
not to let anyone get close to me except make them feel they are close to me
been a selfish arragont self made evil form oneself
i had my own rules and i will not listen to your to ur opinion, cos i have one myself
nothing else matters except for wht i want in my life and i would give up anythin to get that for that moment of time and i would throw it away like trash
been there done that persona which most cant stand and never will

fate didnt leave me alone, it had to make a change in its own time and given my own time
it was matter of time and in a way that i never i would change my life
i've never let anyone get close to me like she did, in fact i did even let her
she just stormed her way through in to ma mind n heart
opened me up to things i've never believed in or i've put a thick wall between myself and everythin else
things were never the same, things will never be the same
everything mattered when it came to her
felt her love by just the words and nothin else
her support when im down and wounding claws when im uproaring
looking back it was ride never to forget, it would be ungrateful if i did

the writing was started cos of you, since the words that came out of my mouth hurt u, i found the words to make you happy in reading how much you mean to me
my day n life was made when it was with you and in the comfort and agony i fell into with you
you made the better of me come out and yet to have my own thoughts in wht i did
you wre the never to judge but many times mistook me of wht i said before
there are times now wish i hadnt said all that i've said to you, but thats whts has made us closer
through our fights and talks and rumblings, rain n sunshine
you have your wy of bringin out a smile wen im down and a make me feel like beating my guts when im morally wrong

there has been never a moment i wish i hadnt met you, i met you and i've become this
i dont know wht i wud be without your part in my life, seems blank or no clue
everythin is owed to you, my good and how you wanted to see me
in your eyes i would always remain a kid, but you wanted to see a man out of that same kid someday
everyday i've never given up tryin to make it upto you, failed miserably, embarrasingly, disastrously
never stopped have i, even till today, you n i might be oceans apart but our conversations still continues
the wy we argue hasnt changed one bit, but the wy we come together hasnt changed either
its only through toil n sweat we have wht we have, it is through hard work whom we are now
i regret not taking the chance of making u stay and me leave
i felt that was the right choice i could make for you at that point of time
but i regret that every moment im not there to help you or get through it in my own wy

to everythin you meant to be between us, no one will ever be
there are things which i wanted you to see beyond your sight
but somethings will never changes like you say
your frame of mind and strength of heart is always which i've looked upto
never will be close to that, maybe its wht makes u special n stand out from the rest

it is endless to say n write about us, mainly about you
but something unsaid are best kept secrets and which remains special in my heart
to which i would always want to have you close in my heart
cos u've made me realise you can do wht ur heart wants to as well..


Featherman said...

Sorry mate I came across this a few times but I still cant find peace to read it fully.

Indyana said...

This was very difficult to read, very emotional. I know the pain you speak of, but my advice to you , whether you want it or not(hey ! I'm elder, so listen o.k?), is to not let go of true love...and please do show it in all it's tenderness to your lady love.Despite the ups and downs of time, don't give up, hold on to it.

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

FM: no worries, take ur time...

Indya: hmmm its strange how you can fall in love with someone close to you and not have them. i've got respect and love for her, thats about it. i'm not in for relationship with her, though i conside even being a friend is relationship between two ppl. she is bigger than anythin in this world to be held in my hands or heart.

Indyana said...

i don't know...just don't give up a good thing, be positive will you?

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

well im not single anymore. i have a relationship going. long distance, not the same person im talkin about in the writing though. the person in writing would always mean and be the same to me and me to her.. we both want to be friends thats about it... ;-) im sorry if i burst ur bubble...

Indyana said...

Ah! words of wisdom wasted!!!

Lady divine said...

"its strange how you can fall in love with someone close to you and not have them" - I know what they feels like.....
In your case, being grateful for everything and still having the mutual friendship is something great and also something to treasure....

But doesn't it get hard Lost soul? I mean, they say that once u stop going out, it's really hard to be good friends again.... I found it difficult...

I had to have a peaceful mind to read ur's got lots of emotions and i was really busy y-day..that's why first thing this morning, i read it...:-)

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

LD: well, we didnt straight off become, we both were in deep hell and we wre in two different lands and then we realised what we have n not to ruin it.. thts how our second chapter began. thanks for taking your time in reading it.

Indya: never wasted, always kept in my heart and cherished....