Sunday, April 18, 2010

~ beginning of an ending ~

........“So why did you want to see me then” turning almost frustrated. “I’m getting married, I wanted to tell you that in person, I want you to come, I want you to be there”

The words “I’m getting married” kept playing over and over again in his head, he stood there dumbstruck. He couldn’t think of anything to respond to what she just told him. He knew this eventuality, it had played in his mind that he would find out that is she is married, with kids and happy with her husband. But this is not a scenario which played in his picturesque mind. He had no words to tell her, he stood there almost looking blank past her; she turned to look back to see if he was looking at her still or someone else in the large sitting area of the hotel. She kept waving to bring him back to reality of obscure noise, he snapped back that instant. His mind raced to say “no to her, that she couldn’t do this to him, leaving him wasn’t enough, but she wanted him to be there?” Before he could ask or say no to her, he managed to flush out a smile, took it in his hand. She said her bye; he had nothing in return to give her. She turned back, “I want to see you there”.

All that came into his mind right now was only of the happy moments they both shared together, images so vivid, the smell of her skin was still lingering in his head, even though it’s been two years since he last saw her. Only question in his head, “WHY”, he mumbled almost in out loud, he stood there trying to grasp what just happened to him and drew a breath almost like his last. He wasn’t hit by a truck on the highway, nor was he taken down by someone bigger in size, he wasn’t hurt in anyway physically, but she just managed to yank out his soul like, if there was anything left of him now. He didn’t have an answer to her wish, he avoided her for the same reason that she would do this to him again. He let down his guard and at the very first chance, he was lost once again.

He had only wished and prayed for strength to not lean into the dangerous deeds. Over the last two years, he had been through enough in his mind, and right at this moment, everything that he worked through didn’t matter. He was about to leave a trace of sadness at the corner of his eyes, out of reflex, his eye lids closed to shut out the world and in the tear. He had lost all belief in a relationship, in a normal relationship, but yet he managed to stay away from his physical needs. He was only at the edge of throwing of everything he was holding it together, he pitifully gave away in belief that she might return to him one day. His conscious however was stronger, “Once you’re gone, you’re gone”. He recited like a prayer, prayer, something he had lost all hope in two years ago, on the very first day he made it to church in a long time.

Now he didn’t need a reason to throw it away all, one could question his way, his words, his actions. If there was a price for the things he’s about to do, he was willing to give it away for the eternity of hell according to his fore father’s religion. His belief had long died, only thing he believed right now was of karma, he had a saying inside his head, “karma’s a bitch and she just loves to fuck with me, just as much I did with her”. Indeed karma was just that to him. He was swatting away the invitation, he sighed, “invitation to what, to watch another man take you in front of me”. He was pondering on what he has done to deserve to be where he was now. He thought this was the price he had to pay for the rest of his for his guilty pleasures.

Blows of images of his intimacy with other woman before just kept racing his mind, his boisterous care free years, everything before her, ran through his mind, a voice in his mind remind, “everything’s got a price, you’ve got to pay every single one of them”. He wanted to throw his fist into something hard, to feel pain, to shake away this numbness, this coldness, he’s been using to hide under, but this was not the place to express his deep inner anger, disappointment, with himself. He felt the vibrator on his phone go off, it took him more than few seconds to realise that it was not a message but a call. Unknown number again, he wondered who the hell wanted to talk to him at this time, “hello” in a more muffle tone, “look I am really sorry about what happened between us, I never got a chance to explain, why I had to let you go”, He broke her off in the middle of her sentence, “I’m getting another call, and I’ll call you later”. His defence mechanism kicked in instantly, he was even surprised, that his instincts were rusty always; never the most polite like manner, but today it served its purpose. He closed his eye for a second, before he felt the vibration in the palm of his hand. Unknown number again, “would you listen to me for once”, he cut her short again, “look now is not the best time, please don’t push it, I don’t want to say something I don’t mean and just make my day even worse for me, so I need some space, I’ll call once I get my head around this”.

He wasn’t even back to square one now, it was almost like he was in a place he’s never been, so lost, so angry, so frustrated, but this time, with nobody else, but with himself. He knew instantly, this anger meant only one meaning, destruction, something not out of teenage rage, but this time it was more than that. The light in him was diminishing with the rage of his voice, “so much for believing in fairy tale ending in your life”. Muffled obscene escaped his lips, he knew he should not stay any longer, he felt the vibration in his hand, “office, shit he thought, I can’t deal with another, where are you, you’re supposed to be in office lecture” he thought, he was in no mood to answer any call.

Yet he could call only one person right now, he dialled numbers so fast, it took time to display on the screen, “pick up pick up pick up, damn it, where the hell are you when I need you, why the hell do you even have a mobile”, muffled and only inside his head. The voice on the other end trying to sound in a pissed off tone, “why can’t you answer my call you shit”, he cut her short “I’m in no mood for that, meet me at the mall”, “who do you think you are” in her usual playful tone, “I told you I’m in no mood for that shit, can you come or not, I have something to tell you, I don’t want to do it in office, can you come or not?” he waited a second, two, three for her reply, “you picked the wrong time to play with me”. His thumb pressed so hard on the red button on the phone, it almost made his thumb go numb for a split second. He was in no mood to play games with her.

His feet rushed up on the stairs, he was not in a mood to wait for the lift. She was standing there, “how dare do you do that to me?”, he snapped instantly, “you just picked the wrong time, wrong day to play with me”, he walked past her like she didn’t even exist there, it was a beginning of an end, it was the beginning of the end to a lot of things in his life.


Dee said...


Lady divine said...


that was........

I have no words right now...


~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

Dee: :)

LD: bad? is the word ur looking for? or something more?? :)