Monday, September 15, 2008

~ timing ~

ever done whats the start and where anythin it all ends
is it with birth and death or is the from one sec to another
what is the right time for anythin, who decides on this
ever in search of that perfect timing, which seems to elude all of us
how do you measure it, by wht quantitative
who decides when is that perfect moment
is it within our hands that we are too fragile to take hold of
or is it somethin that will never be ours just call it fate

in my not so perfect lil world, timing is often been too loong or too short
i was always too fast or too slow things
never did i catch up to the time or atleast how i saw it
every birthday or around it involved losing someone
15 - lost my dad's mom
16 - lost my dad
23 - lost a close family friend
thank god there was a break in between but there was alot that happened inbetween too
for how long am i goin to put up with this loss
when i turned 21 i was never ever so happy in my life
i had a grl friend who was half wy around the world who sent me cake and actually made me blush in front of my mom
and before i turned 22 she walked out on us
and right after im 23 she is married to someone
wish there was a map to all this, wht im suppose to do
or where am i suppose to go, who am i suppose to meet or even run into
everything in my life happened for the best and to change my life
every change has been just another tumble
the ride has been tiring, not to complain about wht has made me smile through all this

and today here i'm wondering what to do
at 23 i dont know where im going
wish i can be more, there is voice in me which says im born for more
im in search of what that is, wish it was more clearer
or my mind was clouded with too many thoughts of the day n night of pain
ever wondered if you can erase memory and forget about everythin
move onto a new whole world that you never existed, a clean slate all over again
wish i wud you give myself to what im suppose to feel
rather clogged in my own nutshell of self destruction
or is my more about the chaos that i can be
what more could i destroy than i have destroyed now
cause of my foolishness i might have destroyed a family
cause of my care and love which blossomed to a relationship which destroyed someone life
cause of being who i am destroying my mom's happiness each day
how many more am i goin on about

wish my parents brought me up like other kids
sat and told them whats wrong, whats not
where to take the lead on and where to say no
let me on my own and here im payin the price
a price i will never finish payin
maybe what goes around comes back around
and what i've given has been so evil
that the come back is with interest
wish i can clean it al, take it back
karma sure is a bitch and she is just loving me

where ever my roads may lead to,
its all me, it has always been me
need to get my head more clear the next time i come across turns
choose the 2nd to the one which my heart jumps at
until then you can read about the lo$t $oul


Nefarious said...

we are all lost at some point.. waiting to be found.

Disease said...

Its your Time Now Brother... Don't Wait till Things Happen Stand Up Fight for what you want and GO AND GET IT !!

Cheers !!!


Indyana said...

Sad to read all that has happened.Life will eventually smoothen out! I hope and pray that you gain strength and maturity from this experience.

I love this particular saying/prayer that has helped form my school days..I've had quite a tumultuous life as well.This piece is fairly common and you may know it too, here it is:

"Lord,give me the courage to change what I can,
The strength and patience to accept what I cannot,
And the wisdom to know the difference!"

Hope this helps.Take things one day at a time! :)

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

Queen: yes we are.. *hugs*

Disease: i was a go getter, which will all be in another post and whts it cost me..

Indya: as always, somethin to ponder over. Tryin to lead on one day at a time..