Wednesday, May 30, 2007

~ breaking down ~

every story has two sides like of a coin. most of us don look on both sides. some prefer to stick on one side. this in a wy can be better off, but sometimes, when no one knows wht happens actually its easier to jump into conclusion. but we all know there is there always two sides to anythin. recently i've been having a lot of storm. and it just keeps comin n comin without any ending. be it with the love that im tryin to reconcile, be it friendship, be it work. my life revolves around few things, the people im close with, people who are close with me(lately lack thereof), work, and few friends who i hang/talk with. Most who are close to me have ended up taking the wrong pic of me, or maybe they are right n i don see the real picture which they see me as im, maybe thats my originality.

I've always worked hard to get to where am i now. with people, with work. but its all breaking down, comin down like rain, and it dont matter. i've tried my best to keep things in wrap, all i can think n say to myself is wait till the rain is over. but it doesnt seem to stop at al. wish i knew which turn to take, which move to make, what words to say. even though i wud be dejavu, sometimes it makes life a lil easier. so how do i hold up, when i dont know wht im holding up for. everything i've worked for all this while, has broken down to pieces n cant make anythin of it anymore. its decision which i need to make, do i turn back on the road i've walked so far, tryin to keep myself together for someone i really loved n cared about, waiting for her, never doubting her, giving her all the freedom in the world. non of that doesnt even exist anymore.

believes have changed, times have changed, people's mind/thinking have changed. and im still tryin to be the good person. I know im far from it, im nothin of being perfect bf or even a friend. sometimes i dont know, how just a sentence can make a lose eveything u had with them vanish in thin air, how months of waiting to meet you love n tryin ur best to be with her, ends up being not enough work or not enough time for the relationship. how abt the late nights after work that i use to sit up n talk to cos i don get to see u everyday. early mornin wake up calls, which im jus barely gettin some, which i most loved of, when u wanted to hear ma voice. did it all mean anythin how we use to be. does non of that mean anythin to you anymore. for a simple reason i let go of thinkin u'd have a better life without, what ur parents can give, it became my fault, my wrong. i was never thinkin about me, i was always thinking about u. there cant be two dreamers in a relationship.

its breaking me down, how everythin we've been through means nothin, was not enough. u wre on holiday, i wasn't. i had bills to pay, job to keep, things to run. least i thought u'd understand. U never understand me on how i looked at you. you wre too pretty, too cute, too adorable to be with a guy like me. i've always loved the way u wre. i've always appreciated the wy u've looked, n now i never said u look good. im not tellin these to hurt you, i just want u to think back. im trying to hold it together to be the good person, its just breakin me inside to turn to do the wrong, say what i don mean, but just hurt u back. ill never do that purposely. just so u know im down, hurt n lost, i've got no where to go, i cant take no more pain to stand tall. i've become weak as ever. i simply wish u'd understand that. I dont know wht ur goin tru there all by urself. some how i feel i shudnt have let u go, when u wanted to walk away, but now, after u reasoning me to believe i don love u, or i never loved you. i dono wht to say.

nothin means anythin anymore. i feel as if im lost again. my head aint clear, my thoughts become blurry. i've tried to keep focus, but i cant, im losing u, im losing everyone. cant fight no more, got no strength, got no perspective to see things. all im doing is breaking down, pushin ma self destruct harder than ever. time to let go of me darling, i was never there to be with u now ya? u meant a lot, alot more than u though how much u meant to me, just never had the words to tell, cos u'd take me for a regular, kept u on the surprise n dark, guess u walked out when u cudnt take it waiting in the dark, when u wre everythin for me stay sane n be ur man. given up everythin for you, making a day for us, making a life for u n me.. guess it don matter now, cos im no more there for u. breaking down is all im doin right now, u aint here to watch me, u aint here to hold, aint goin to lend out ma hand anymore. back to the animal i was, better for u, better for everyone...u know where to come knocking when u need me, u'd always be my everythin.

"Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you whyI had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fairI didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care"


Disease said...

Yo man this is so touching and painful but I gotta ask you do you want leave with this pain for the rest of your life??? let it go man start fresh you still can survive and find the true love yo always dreamed of having. dotn go after love it will come to you when you need it. till then be happy stay safe and consentrate on the objectives you want to achieve in life

take care bro and all the best


Gobblezygook said...

If I see one more similar post, a post of sorrow and depression, I'll damn well come to SL and bash you good, hand you a one way ticket to hell or heaven (any where you please) !

No I wasn't kidding, but this post is so damn well written boy...but I must agree with 'disease' and remind you that it's high time you move on :) Huggggs.....

Lady divine said...

Lost soul, I hate to see you like this... I can imagine how hurt and depressed you're.. It's quite clear in your writing... But you've gotta put the past behind where it belongs and move on..

otherwise you're going to lose a lot more than what you already have..

Please please brighten up.. I know it's easier said than done..

Do take care of yourself.. After all the bad things, good things do happen too..

Purnima said...

I hope the person who's this post tribute to would see this lament...can't imagine one being blind to this much of a suffering...