~ flesh ~

the urge of the flesh has started buring again in me
i thought i was through all this, but nothing seems to have changed except that im guilty right now
guilty of being in a relationship and having the thirst for someone else
i've tried to kill this thirst inside me and have not failed entirely so far
im beginning to fear myself, seeing myself change back to the old me
would i become of the curse to me as i was, or would the love make me alive and kill the thirst
everything is within me, to kill it or give into my flesh desire
how do i resist this and fight this temptation from being guilty and hurting someone
would my tomorrow be more darker than today or yesterday or would there more light
my darkest fears of being a bastard in a relationship is creeping into my life
if its one thing i was certain of in my life, never wanted to cheated on my love
i havent cheated so far, though to some extent i wud say im guilty of giving into urges
i've questioned myself why is this weakness in memy desire to be greater has been reduced by this desire of the flesh
i was never ashamed of having a physical contact with a stranger but the guilt is weighing heavier in me
all of us wish for a new place to start anew, to me its not the place i need to change, its the world i live in, i move with so many different walks of life, but there is some which i want to be away from and close to some who would change my desire
when im emotionally, mentally and physically with the one who wants to see me better, i end up being better
i see myself as a mirror, its how you want to see me, you would see
but i cant be a mirror anymore, so either i break myself or turn away
i'm longing to talk to someone who knows me most and have seen the most of me
who has seen the good of me and the bad of me
never judged me and never failed to be support when i failed and fell down
i need to pull myself together all over again
there is somethin bold growing inside
its only a child right now and the temptation of that is wild and beyond
should i kill the child in me and make the man i'm alive
the man in me just emptiness and hallow and the child of desire is full of it
how do i change all of this, make the child nothing and the man the full of me
i would need to build a wall around me to keep myself away from those which i need to be away for the life i've chosen
too many questions and only one answer, that is; to end who i'm
i'd do anything to forget my past to forget so many faces to forget what i do to fulfill the desire
or can i learn not to make those mistakes again
im failing my own test, felt excentric once when i tested myself and didnt give in
lately i'm starting to slip, fallen n on the edge of overthrowing myself
every today is becoming more heavy
i need the one with me to hold my hand again for me to get up again
i havent let you down yet, but i'm afraid i might and i wont be able to face you
that is the only thing that rings in my mind everytime im on the edge of making a mistake
your the one who can make me full again

~ space ~

ok, this is something i wrote when i was in a depressed state of mind. this is not something you would enjoy reading, this is more about my feelings and what i was going threw, there is a load of those writing, im just putting one to check out whts the response, so peeps, read it, i wudnt say enjoy it, but do leave a comment on how you felt.. would appreciate it very much.. cheers

sitting up in an empty space around me
feeling the life been drained out of me
not feeling for anythin anylonger
wishing that i wud get a chance to tear up this emptiness
saying to myself to stop wishing but to get up and make the what i need
but where i go its just filled with emptiness
how would make anythin out of this
remembering how my life use to be colorful
and now colorles and selfless world around
my efforts of trying to paint colors in my world have failed with no effort
what do i do to turn this around
whats even more depressing is that even among a handfull of people feeling lonely runs deep inside me
tired of waiting for something to change all this
still finding reasons to my loniless
searching for an pinhole to look at color again
would any of this change, would it be different tomorrow from yesterday
just getting weak n wearing thin each second passes by
does this mean im meant to be alone like this or would there be someone or somethin to turn things around for me
everytime i hope for somethin happy to happen turns around absolutely the other way
something inside keeps blocking me from moving on
is this feeling rests only within me or is it around everyone
i do not understand how come i stand alone today
is it cos of who i was i or is it cos who i am
or do i not allow anyone else to stand with me
i can remember being with a pac
running wild n pushin hard, force u never want to try push
nothin of my past is the same today
but there is nothin in today for me
every time i recall the happiness i had in life my, leaving left alone of those memories
want to give up on tomorrow and just live the day, but not given the chance of living out tomorrow
endless hopes n dreams have made me fail about the day
nevertheless have i stopped dreaming
somewhere within rest a voice asking me fight, push harder for the tomorrow i want to live in
chances are wearing thin and i dont see myself goin anywhere
to the world im just a kid, but within me i've aged much more than a number
countless endures of pain from failing, endless outspoken moments, too much guilt, lost of hope
everything he would need to go through a man's lifetime have been through
yet i wonder whats left in for tomorrow, if there was so much in my past
questions pouring out constant
to those which i have no answer but to live and find out
would anything of what i do or say matter to anyone
would they not understand what i say or just take me for granted cos i don have the age to tell beyond what they know or understand
tired of trying to prove to others of what i can
given up on what i want and living what comes toward me
too tired to fight with people who would not understand what im trying to prove
who are looking to prove and put me down
yet there is a certain hope n love to fight with
the ones close to me has given me everything they could possibly give to keep me alive
im still finding a word to say how much they mean to me
after being through everythin with me and yet they are still with me
guess this is what you call a break between game
somethin to sit down and think about
endless nights of lonliness, vague dreams, guilty past, rough patches not consoled
what would all this mean when i wake up from my dream
am i in a transition between sleep and being awake or is it a mental state within not letting allowing myself to wake up
have i gone too far in my dreams that i would not wake up
or the voices inside me would wake me up in time
unresolved till i wake up

~ 21 ~ ii

continuation of the previous post has been cancelled due to personal reasons, freely writing about myself has cost me somethin over the last week. so here after this would be open to few or i would stop writing at al and go back to my usual generalised writing on life n amuses.

adios

~ 21 ~

most ppl would say it as the turning point in life or they make a haha hoo hoo about it, well i managed to slip through it from many ppl, but the closest who wouldnt forget it those minor details to embarass you that your getting older by the number dont seems to get it. well since off complications i have two days of hosting my party for being 21 years of dwelling in this earth putting up with many, thrashing out plenty, giving in, taking out, lazing around, amusing others, list goes on. i obviously have to make you ppl laugh about this, i have two days *for those inquisite ones, let me explain to your rusted upstairs, i was born on the 7th just passing the hour or somethin*now i know why i'm a night owl and not a early bird* but the hospital records intially showed as 6th, my parents had done the necessary to change it at that level, the hospital authoritys didnt bother to double check records gave my legal date as 6th, probably thought i was born in the late hours of 6th. so my legal documents bare the date as 6th and family treats me for the 7th.

so how was this 21? i mean u get only one 21 ya, i mean ma 21! hmmm started off with a grand gift with 3 of my friends, before actually opening ma gift, i had to go through alot of celotape, appreciate the love guys, i mean the pleasure you get out of seeing me blarring ma gift in public. well it was nice of em to get the most unusua card and have the gift inside it. they intial gift they planned on getting me was a russian hooker, somehow i convinced them to give me the cash they were goin to utilise on her for my good night. escape that. they got me a nice set of $$$$$, im still shocked.. which means even i have to throw in at thier gifts. hmmm makes me wonder. finised off me mini supper, to knock off ma previous night and early morning toxication from a friends b'day party at the club. kicked off to play some pool, quiet an art, they say im too fast at shooting my que at the ball and my eyeline is out of sight. finishing that went off for dinner, pizza*yum yum* sitting there and looking around what to order, before deciding on the dinner, a nice hotty*a guy next to her(obvious), tell me where in sl do u find hot single grl at a restaurant, are woman in colombo are bare or im lost on that concept* made the order, like always mocking ma friends gf, previously a colleague rather ma team leader now working for a rival company. so mocking her is never a ending concept, its continous process and development. finishing that, walking out of the restaurant, nice chicks, but with family, give em the usual, looking fine but ur not my type look at her, actually two and the mother tryin to barge into ma looks into her daughters and not stay away from the lime light. off to ice cream, night doesnt end without ice cream at ILGELATO, nicked up a double mix soup of the delicious ice creams there, walking around, sitting on those high chairs...usual couch was occupied by a milf*guys im sure wud get this, she was one of those knockers* off to home, night has not ended yet, went home to put a change.

second part of the night - went home, get changed to hook up with my friends who im seeing after 5 years. awww time moves on and never waits ah? had to do the normal, hi's n whts goin down for the night. decided where we goin to be heading down, pick up couple more guys, it was a guys night. detour guys wanted to have somethin to eat before boozing al night long. so where else but pillawoos, early kotthu, just past 12, biiizzzbiizzz ma stupid phone, *1 Message Received*, who else could it be ma darling friend/enemy from india, she always been the first to wish me on my b'day in the couple of years we been together, she has once waited up till 3 so she can wake me up in the middle of ma sleep to wish me, anyways it was soo sweet of her and i like up in heaven to see her wishes. sent her kisses back for the wishes. so went down to the club n waiting for a henchman who had to slip all boys gang inside on a couples night. but hell its sri lanka, contacts and good repo can work u anywhere. so smoothing into the club, usual stares from the hunnies at the bar. the music wasnt anythin blood pumpin*me got a biggie adrenaline blood* i need music, smoothin around for a table, dropped off the bar, ask the bartender to throw me her best, she asked me if i wanna try her speciality, BULL DOG*anyone tried this* looking at her mixing it gave me shocks, is it goin to throw it in ma head with the first drink, but tht didnt do anythin, mind you this about vodka, bacardi, gin shaken with ice n served with red bull. me and ma friend sipping it until the rest of the gang shows up. cranky whad ups... so finally, booze arrives, so pick up the bottle walk up to get a bird eye view of the hunnies, sipping bacardi.. wasn't feeling heat right, so had to go close to the dance floor. sipping the drinks, i don get on the dance floor unless its with a grl, so standing and watchin the huns doin the thang. on for about couple of hours, times ticks off about 3.30, kinda tippsy with the large amounts of toxication impunding into my body. checked with ma mates if we are good to roll out, they were tippsy, except for the guys behind the wheels*responsible youths aye* so roll out club, untill someone wanted to check out another club, this is 4 in the morning, good enough so on the CHECKPOINT* the most decent cops i've ever come across in my lifetime in sri lanka* so being a tamil, i get a bonus question as to where i work and what i do, they were damm decent* so back in the car on the way to another club, finding more than the usual cops at galleface turn, and its some drunk jackass in a hatchback civic tried to overun at WRX*how stupid can he get* has hegded of the roundabout pavement and busted his front wheels, apparently couple of the guys who i know where in that. we were about to get into the club and thought not a good idea, since there wre two ladies involved in the tragic moment, valiant men i would say to the rescue, actually they wre with known guy. so where else to roll n shake em to reality and bring em back to normal at tht hour, pillawoos to the rescue. we cant resist the kotthu. so couple of cars and gang n the grls chillin out, talkin about old times and how messy we were. time to head back home. dropped off the huns and back to home...

rest to continue...