Wednesday, August 30, 2006

~ flesh ~

the urge of the flesh has started buring again in me
i thought i was through all this, but nothing seems to have changed except that im guilty right now
guilty of being in a relationship and having the thirst for someone else
i've tried to kill this thirst inside me and have not failed entirely so far
im beginning to fear myself, seeing myself change back to the old me
would i become of the curse to me as i was, or would the love make me alive and kill the thirst
everything is within me, to kill it or give into my flesh desire
how do i resist this and fight this temptation from being guilty and hurting someone
would my tomorrow be more darker than today or yesterday or would there more light
my darkest fears of being a bastard in a relationship is creeping into my life
if its one thing i was certain of in my life, never wanted to cheated on my love
i havent cheated so far, though to some extent i wud say im guilty of giving into urges
i've questioned myself why is this weakness in memy desire to be greater has been reduced by this desire of the flesh
i was never ashamed of having a physical contact with a stranger but the guilt is weighing heavier in me
all of us wish for a new place to start anew, to me its not the place i need to change, its the world i live in, i move with so many different walks of life, but there is some which i want to be away from and close to some who would change my desire
when im emotionally, mentally and physically with the one who wants to see me better, i end up being better
i see myself as a mirror, its how you want to see me, you would see
but i cant be a mirror anymore, so either i break myself or turn away
i'm longing to talk to someone who knows me most and have seen the most of me
who has seen the good of me and the bad of me
never judged me and never failed to be support when i failed and fell down
i need to pull myself together all over again
there is somethin bold growing inside
its only a child right now and the temptation of that is wild and beyond
should i kill the child in me and make the man i'm alive
the man in me just emptiness and hallow and the child of desire is full of it
how do i change all of this, make the child nothing and the man the full of me
i would need to build a wall around me to keep myself away from those which i need to be away for the life i've chosen
too many questions and only one answer, that is; to end who i'm
i'd do anything to forget my past to forget so many faces to forget what i do to fulfill the desire
or can i learn not to make those mistakes again
im failing my own test, felt excentric once when i tested myself and didnt give in
lately i'm starting to slip, fallen n on the edge of overthrowing myself
every today is becoming more heavy
i need the one with me to hold my hand again for me to get up again
i havent let you down yet, but i'm afraid i might and i wont be able to face you
that is the only thing that rings in my mind everytime im on the edge of making a mistake
your the one who can make me full again


Feather man said...

I have gone through the same situation a few times. Every time that I thought that’s the final but kept on coming back to square one. How ever for some miracle I never got to cheat on her. Some thing went wrong at some points yes but I managed to over come them with little effort. Practically the solution is to identify why it happens. Is it because I’am a complete jurk or is it because I don’t get what I want. If it’s the first one I need lot of time to over come or to reshape my self. If it’s the second there can be lot of discussion and understanding to improve the relationship. I don’t know man how it’s with u. But It worked for me.

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

well i've done the mistakes too many times man, this time its not goin to happen, i so badly dont want to screw this up for her and for me. this is like the last chance im giving myself at relationship, im doing this for my love. so hope i don screw up. talking about this actually wud make me more close to my grl, she wud get what my urges and she wud know about it rather than to find out in akward situation.. talking really helps.. hope your place right is better and your far away from the urges.. its like right in front of ur eyes and you know you can have it but it wrong to take it up.. fighting the temptation and its goin to be life long struggle..

Anonymous said...

I've actually been cheated on,i don't really know waht to say but i hope this helps - just folow your heart with the one you really love and don't hurt that person,when you feel like giving in to temptation just think of the one you love and how it would kill her if she knew what the one person she loves is doing - or how would you feel if she gave into her temptations and cheated on you?
Hope this was a thinker for you!
cheers and keep up the blogging pal!

~ lo$t $oul ~ said...

~Meg@n, well what if my love cannot protect me from that. I've failed before and i never cared about it, but this time its just seems too real and i've never cheated on anyone, but this time i somewht feel like failing, hope i wouldnt fail and break the heart of the loved one and another who is looking upto me so much. thanks very much for the comments, will post up more.. cheers