~ guilt over pain ~

“did you love her” and she paused and closed her eyes and ears scrunching her face, she covered her face with her hands. There was silence between the two, the swaying has stopped and the waves dashing against the shore filled the air. He let out a sigh; she opened her eyes and looked at him, holding his face in her palm, “come on, you can talk to me about this”, he understood her intension. He began with a sigh to say “is that a question to get rid of me”. She got off him in a haste and she almost feel on the grainy sand, he caught her before that. She began with a sigh and in a disappointed tone, “I know it’s not my place or have any rights to ask you about her”, she tried to keep her voice calm, she began once again, “I know I’m just another woman to you, just another flavor of the month to you”. She tried to hold her voice steady and not wanting to let out any emotions. She tried once again, “but, I do care about you”. She stopped, feeling the voice going down in tone, drained and taken over my emotions filling her. She paused and waited for him. He sat there motionless, looking into the deep open sea. She broke the silence between them, “can you take me back to the room”. She sighed and tried once again to get his attention in a more broken and distorted tone but raised voice, “can we just go to the room please”. He looked back at her and he had a tear at the corner of his eye. He tried to hide that from her, wiped it off his face and started scratching his eyes as though something went in.

“Yes, I loved her” in a soft tone when he got himself up from the log, wiping the sand off his shorts. He began once again, “you want to go to the room, fine lets go” he sighed as he broke in between to begin again, “and you’re not one those of other flavor of the month, like you think you, first get that thought out of you if you want to see me again”. He took a couple of steps towards the hotel, he paused and waited for her, “aren’t you coming” he looked at her in a quizzical manner. She sighed and began to walk towards him, she stood in front of him, within an inch of space between them, her feet caressed on his, rubbing the grainy sand on his feet. Her right hand reached towards him, her palm rested on his cheeks, “I only wanted you to be happy, even though you don’t tell me the pain you’re going through inside, I know you are in pain, I only wanted you to let it out”, she let her hands run around him and rested her head on his chest, “how could she have walked away from you” and she continued “her loss, my gain” she tried to throw in a wink with that. He shook his head in as though a mental shoulder shrug. She took her hands away from around him and started walking towards the water; he stood there watching her. She turned around to face him, reaching out her arms, “aren’t you coming”, he stood with his feet cemented, “thought you wanted to go to the room”. She wasn’t going to give into that, she stood there waiting for him and he sighed and walked towards her. He couldn’t believe himself that he was giving into her, in his mind he was starting to map out where is this all leading to, he remembers calling her out for a drink, meeting in the club, first time at her place, waking up alone in her bed, rushing to his home, dinner she cooked for him, waking up in bed alone once again and now in a hotel with her.

He went towards her, knowing he’d be there sooner to hold her, she turned her back towards him, he held from behind, she tried to snuggle up in his arms, she whispered “hold me tighter”. He was thinking to himself, no matter how old a woman gets, she still has needs and wants, still wanting to feel wanted and cared for. He kissed her on her cheek bone, sending shivers down her spine and freezing her body for a second. She said “do that again”, he was giving her butterfly kisses on her cheek bone on her demand, she pulled his arms tighter around him, the water was reaching her feet, in between the kisses he was trying to whisper in her ear, “you sure you want to get wet”. She freed herself from his arms and ran more into the sea, pulling him too along with her. They were standing almost at knee length water; she was clearly losing her balance against the gushing water. She didn’t care at all if she was going to get her dress wet, but she didn’t want to get it all wet. She asked him to wait in the water, as she stumbled and went to the log they were seated. She undid the knot at the back of her neck and the dress fell down to her hip as she maneuvered out of it. He was watching her undress herself to the bikini she was wearing; she managed to tie her hair up in high pony tail. She was quickening her pace towards him now and no more than 2 hops into the heavy waves, she fell on her back. Trying to catch her breath and tried to sit up straight, he was there next to her on his knees helping her up. He couldn’t help it but burst into laughter, she tried to him hard, but she hurt himself, “what are you” was her line she never got tired off.

She reached for his lips, her hands held his head steady; he had gotten all wet by now. She felt a tingle inside her, the same feeling she felt the first time his lips touched her. She was feeling a thrill rushing through her body when his hand took over her hip, holding her down against the strong waves that were gushing against them. Her eyes pierced through his eyes as though reaching for his soul and to steal it away for eternity. She thought to herself, “her loss, my gain, what was she was even thinking”. She kissed him hard on his lips, they went into a wild lip lock, her right hand reached behind his neck and held him closer to her, her left slowly crept through the ends of this thick curls which were wet. He broke the intense between them, just as she was about to take off his shirt. He almost lifted her up in one go and got her on her feet. She stood there still with her hands around his neck, close to him, wet in salty water and her lips dying for his and her body for his hands and lips. She reached closer to him, feeling him against her body, whispered in his ear as she pulled down his head, “take me to the room”. He didn’t want to walk through the restaurant wet like this; he looked around for another way. He saw a mangrove just a few steps ahead which lead to the hotel. He looked at her as though to ask if she was ok to take that way. She took the dress in her hand and walked ahead and pulling him by his hand. They were wet and were trying to get through the mangrove as she was in a rush to get back to the room. Her mind was racing fast thinking about how she wanted him to take her, to have her his way. She stopped and turned around to face him, he almost ran into her, “what now” he asked her. She dropped the dress to the grainy sand and her hands reached for his face, he felt it intense than before, her body was cold. She stood there in his hands, waiting to be taken, he hesitated and she stood there slightly disappointed that he didn’t want her. Her eyes were pleading him to have her then and there, he pulled her closer to him, let his lips seal hers once again, her hands tried to reach behind to untie the string off her bikini, he stopped her with his hands, broke off the kiss, “not here, I don’t want you to be like just another flavor of the month” he picked up the dress and led her to the room.

Before he could close it behind him, she pushed him against the door, letting the string come off her neck. Her lips sealed his, in a passionate wild lip lock; she managed to take off his shirt. He carried her in a swift and laid her there on the bed softly, he was being gently no matter how rough she got. Her mind running wild to think what would actually get him rough. She broke from the kiss, moved herself away from him, he sat there completely put off, “what did I do wrong” he asked. She paused for a second, for two, for three, kept him waiting until he reached out her; she wanted to feel wanted at all times. He reached her and she completely let him have his way, all she remembers seeing last were his moist lips reaching towards her upper lip. She needn’t witness anything anymore; she was feeling exactly how she wanted to feel and more. All she did was play along with him, her sighs and hisses filled the room once again, his lips moved further down on her chin, her neck and her body was feeling waves of thrills gushing through her. Her fingers through his thick curls guided him across her skin, her most sensitive spots and where she needed to be kissed. She thought to herself, what was happening to her, she has never felt like this before, not even with her husband, she wanted him more than she thought she was going to give him. She closed her eyes shut tight, only to dip into the moment; bit her lips, threw her head back and arched her body to meet his lips. His hands held her hip firmly, raising her lower body to meet his; he could feel her body heaving up and down against his lips and body. He moved in unison to the rhythm of the tune her body was playing. He wanted to stop; she wanted him in her once again. She realized his reluctance and didn’t want to give into him; she held him close, brought his face up to hers to kiss his moist lips, she now opened her and saw beads of sweat on his forehead, wiping it away and she closed her eyes once again and let him to her bare skin.

He didn’t understand the reluctance he was struggling against, he shrugged it off and let his lips back on her skin. She slowly removed his shorts and the slid her dress down. He pulled the sheets over him; she moved them away from them. Her nails started piercing through his skin when he was inside her, she moved against him first, he was more than surprised, he moved against her. Her moans had gotten louder; her sighs n hisses were filling the room. She held him tight, her body was going stiff and he knew she was close to her climax. She wasn’t going to wait for him; she was meeting his every stroke. Her right around his neck tight and the left around his waist, her nails were almost into his skin, he could feel the blood rushing to out of his skin. Her legs around his waist gave him full access and she was in control of him. Suddenly she threw her head back and arched her body up to his, his naked sweated skin against hers. She flopped back to lay rest on her back now slowly as though she was trying to regain herself from a cramp that had caught her body stiff. Her legs were still around him, she knew he wasn’t done yet and she wanted him to reach the same euphoria in pleasure hell she went to and came back out of. Her legs came off his waist once she knew he was done, she was more than content. She ran her fingers through his hair, stroking them softly and getting tangled in his curls.

She rolled him to her side, he reached for her lips with his, she moved back and then forward to kiss him on his lips, pulled the sheets over them and she could see he was wild awake as though in trance. She wanted to ask him, she thought better not to ask another question from him and ruin everything. In his mind, he was beating himself up for what he was doing. He had only reason why he was doing this. He had promised someone, that he would never go back to this kind of life ever again, but he just did the exact opposite. He wanted the guilt to be more than pain she left him. Memories of her ran through his mind, he got up from the bed and went to the washroom, closed the door behind him. She was lying there on the bed, wondering why he closed the door, because he has not done it since they both have been in the same room. She was struggling against her emotions to get up and follow him or just to lay there and pretend that she didn’t see anything or that he closed the door makes no difference. She waited for him, but he took longer than she anticipated, she wrapped herself in a towel and knocked on the door. She could hear soft sobs. She knocked again, “are you alright”, between breaths and heaves he replied “yes, give me a few seconds I’ll be out”. She instantly knew something was wrong. She tried to open the door, but it was locked from the inside. “open the door, I want to use the loo” she tried her luck. Few seconds passed, he opened the door, wiping his tears away from his face, “you can use it now” he walked out of the washroom, brushing against her arm. She held his hand and turned to face him, “you want to talk about it” she asked, “it’s nothing” and he tried to walk to the bed. She held his hand firmly and made him turn back, “remember we said, no regrets, no thank you” she asked him, he nodded his head in agreement, “tell me, what’s wrong” she asked him in a more stern tone. He led her to the bed, sat her down, he got down on his knees, she was running her fingers through his hair, he paused. She waited for him, she understood it wasn’t easy for him, what he’s about to say, but before she could hold her tongue back “is it about her”, she felt her palm reach to close her mouth, but the words have been let out. He held his breath and she was holding his hand in anxious about what he might say or do. He softly nodded his head. There was sudden silence filling the room, he broke the silence, “what do you want out of this”. She looked at him perplexed “what do you mean”. He’s tone has gotten a lot more straightened out, “what are you getting out of this”