~ just another day ~

where has my love gone
im not just talkin about a person
but my love for living life itself
i've lost my way in too many ways
im not someone who is proud of myself anymore
i've lost the pride that let my head held up high
im not the same i was year(s) back
i've simply become a regular average next door chump

i always knew i was made for somethin larger than who im now
its just that i dont know what it is, where im suppose to be
it has always been an elusive search for inevitable loss at the end
every search begins with a perpetual question
with only the end being the beginning of another
i've lost in the race of suppose to being someone
the soul burns with only desire of roaring high above
but only to taste the dust of the earth where ma knees crumble to

i do not take interest in anythin anymore
its sad and pathetic of my ownself to know i've lost and do nothin abt it
maybe i deserve it after all, karma does have its way
i've done my fair of the dark deeds which has only sold my soul to the devil
so many deserve what i had, or whats left of it after all the destruction
im a walking disaster, a disaster too bold for my own good
i've become to embrace the darker side of me to dwell in its solitude
to only feed the hunger of my pain with more sorrow and darkness

since i lost my love, i've only searched for one thing
destroy every last thing about me that made someone fall in love with me
i've become this creature unworthy of its existance
finding if atleast guilty would wash away the love i have left of
what was taken away from me cannot be returned
and to watch it being handed over on a silver platter to someone in grande gesture
can only make it clear, she indeed deserve someone always better than me
karma just worked itself into my soul, the only way to break me is love
love for the one who i most had it for,to break me was to take it away from me
i was too proud that i was in love who i know was most beautiful in everyway through my eyes
you have ur flaws which only ppl know to point out
but i know of the love we had for each other

my present is consumed by the past i had with you
i've only searched for it some way to be locked away
too deep that even in my last moments i wudnt feel it again
making me want to live the pain even though i knew wht it wud be
and where do i stand today, just left to feeling completely worthless
where in this love was i blinded from the truth of the life
good and evil can never join to become one
i dont where i'm suppose to lead myself to now
with you around i thought i has a purpose
wish i can let myself to believe in me again
i've lost it to believe i wud ever make anything good of whats given to me
i've lost it to trust myself ever again
for once not break it down to a million pieces
to treasure it someplace safe
and right now its only the memories of you and me
no matter what has happened now and time before
no one can take what you gave me to keep deep in me
your love and the times with you
the feeling of holding you, being in love, being loved
and today for tomorrow and the day after to follow there is nothin left to take away
what was mine and mine only was taken away the day you u had to let me go
my soul just flew out of my body and i turned to nothin

where i stand today, is not where i want to be
you know abt my stubborness to even hurt myself to prove you a point
and yet you ask of me things which shud have never escaped your lips
there is nothin that i can hate you for cos i know why you did what you did
but im only glad you've finally understood it yourself
it was a choice you made, and your sticking by the choice you made
listening to BEST I EVER HAD at 2 in the mornin
thinking about how times have changed and so have we
no more long chats, no more fights on the phone, no more sorry to tell each other
no more acting cute just to get smiling like baby with all the innocence in the world
tryin to put it all in a box where i leave on a jet plane to far off land
but like always even the plane is no where to be found not even the deserted island
nothin will feel like the wy it did with you, nothin will change
everywhere its just you and simply cant help but only to pack away
and im not even lucky to do that, just the perfect end

~ timing ~

ever done whats the start and where anythin it all ends
is it with birth and death or is the from one sec to another
what is the right time for anythin, who decides on this
ever in search of that perfect timing, which seems to elude all of us
how do you measure it, by wht quantitative
who decides when is that perfect moment
is it within our hands that we are too fragile to take hold of
or is it somethin that will never be ours just call it fate

in my not so perfect lil world, timing is often been too loong or too short
i was always too fast or too slow things
never did i catch up to the time or atleast how i saw it
every birthday or around it involved losing someone
15 - lost my dad's mom
16 - lost my dad
23 - lost a close family friend
thank god there was a break in between but there was alot that happened inbetween too
for how long am i goin to put up with this loss
when i turned 21 i was never ever so happy in my life
i had a grl friend who was half wy around the world who sent me cake and actually made me blush in front of my mom
and before i turned 22 she walked out on us
and right after im 23 she is married to someone
wish there was a map to all this, wht im suppose to do
or where am i suppose to go, who am i suppose to meet or even run into
everything in my life happened for the best and to change my life
every change has been just another tumble
the ride has been tiring, not to complain about wht has made me smile through all this

and today here i'm wondering what to do
at 23 i dont know where im going
wish i can be more, there is voice in me which says im born for more
im in search of what that is, wish it was more clearer
or my mind was clouded with too many thoughts of the day n night of pain
ever wondered if you can erase memory and forget about everythin
move onto a new whole world that you never existed, a clean slate all over again
wish i wud you give myself to what im suppose to feel
rather clogged in my own nutshell of self destruction
or is my more about the chaos that i can be
what more could i destroy than i have destroyed now
cause of my foolishness i might have destroyed a family
cause of my care and love which blossomed to a relationship which destroyed someone life
cause of being who i am destroying my mom's happiness each day
how many more am i goin on about

wish my parents brought me up like other kids
sat and told them whats wrong, whats not
where to take the lead on and where to say no
let me on my own and here im payin the price
a price i will never finish payin
maybe what goes around comes back around
and what i've given has been so evil
that the come back is with interest
wish i can clean it al, take it back
karma sure is a bitch and she is just loving me

where ever my roads may lead to,
its all me, it has always been me
need to get my head more clear the next time i come across turns
choose the 2nd to the one which my heart jumps at
until then you can read about the lo$t $oul

~ being who i am ~

Continuing on being 23, its quiet hard to accept when you get past a certain age i suppose
now i understand why most ppl whine and rant abt aging and hiding the real age
which makes me think of how i've never lived my life on my age
everything that happened either too quick or too slow
but never in the perfect moment of time except for a very few things
there is no possibility that i could relate myself to anyone else
i've roamed to find a mirror to compare and know where im is where i shud be
if not for questions and answers where would be today

my mind is filled with so many questions right now, when its even 1.30 in the middle of the morning, i shud be out partyin, hittin up on the last drinks for the night, where as im sittin here at home after watchin a movie. Back to the questions, I let myself drown in certain someone i've tried so hard to get over. But only to end up with more questions and more of the times i was with her. Truth be told, im no expert at relationship, i do know a few things, here & there to save myself. I keep wondering myself to so many IF's, which i'll never have answers to, cause i'd never be speaking to her again, if she'd be even talking to be, don't think i'd be the guy to ask her any questions.. I've even let myself wonder on what happened, why it happened, how it all happened.

I dont know who im anymore. plain and simple as i would put it. over breakup and downturn, most would come up with the phrase as "back to square one". In my case i would say, "BACK TO BEING OUT OF THE GAME." i'd gladly say im a loser (one hella of loser*bigtime reality check*). I've been told many times, I DON HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO FIGHT, I DON HAVE IT TAKES TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO, GIVE UP ON THINGS WHEN IT GETS A LIL TOUGH. the recent few months have been the toughest in my life, career wise, i commited a suicide by throwing a promotion out the window. Now window is a lil understatement after all the heated arguments & bombings. how many of you would have what it takes to walk away or stay and fight for whats rightfully yours? What i've learnt until now is, no matter how much you deserve to have whats yours, you'd have a million ppl reasoning against it, and they'd do anything in their last will power to take down who they want to. Seriously makes me wonder where is that will power of mine? I was once blood thirsty animal, who would stand against any storm and say FUCK you right in the face. But now i turn away from the storm after a hard beating with a smile on my face. i guess learning to let it go has some how taught to me LET IT ALL GO, ending up being on either clean slate or being totally make the life altering mistakes which you can never go back to change.

I clearly dont know where i would start off now. everyone dies for a fresh start at some point in their life. i wonder if this is mine. I've got a lot to clean up, specially on the mess i've gotten myself into since work. But like all things, everything does come to an end, question is IS THIS MY END GAME? I keep wondering to myself, if i've turned myself to be my father, stuck in a dead end job, who cant make a move because of certain choices. Wish i'd have someone to talk to, i so wish you'd be around to tell me something. I've made choices that even i regret in my life, but i only wish that i wouldnt be so arrogant, such a knuckle head, im a walking talking self desruct button always pushed on. my pride, my ego, my arrogance is desructive, i dont know where im goin to end up. I had someone to pull me back each time i'd get outta bounds, but now the voices gets blocked inside my head, i cant hear myself anymore. it's difficult to be who i am, where i am. Being me is no easy task, there is moral quarrel between the animal im am and the man inside me, even when its at looking a pretty looking lady. i digust my own self.

there was so many things i believed about life when i was with my last girl, love is such a dagger even when its being pulled out, there is pain, and somehow the wounds still like the metal slashin the meat away and the sting sends you to a state of mind you lose yourself in it. indulgance in such is what i've done so far. i havent even realised that there was no knife, it was only my mind sayin there is pain and love. the awakening hasn't been pretty. the animal which has been sleeping inside the the cover the man i was tryin to become of, is out and in vengence. there is no love anymore, how can there be any love, when it was yanked out of me. such a blind fool to everything that ever happened. today i've lost what i tried to become, to which ill never be. i will learn to love again, but the mind has blocked my heart so far locked inside, i cant hear the voice no more. it has become of my manipulative desructive mind, which wants to live the mind. path to the destruction has begun, from now on its goin to FUCK YOU LIFE, WORLD MEET THE ANIMAL...i'm learning to be the destruction im meant to become of, anythin i touch, anyone who cares or loves for me. i guess its a gift, no matter how hard you fight to run away from it, if your born to be this, for how long and far can i be running away from the destiny. to being 23 and to being the dark side of the lo$t $oul

For the one, if your still reading this, this is meant not to hurt you in anyway, im simply lost again, dont think there is anything that can be done now. Remember to smile, look pretty as how you'd look on any given day.

Question: i've got a 18 page, 12K+ word document which spans for 6 months, sort of digital journal during my last relationship. wondering what i should be doing to it..help anyone.

~ 23 ~

This is not a post on the Jersey no of David Beckham or Lebron James or Michael Jordan..
I'm officially 23 now, it sucks aging!! i've never felt so old in my life.. and its just beginning!
It was not like any other b'day celebration's i've had before, it was very simple this year, dinner with a friend and late night coffee, right on the day before ma b'day. hmmm it was nice to be wished by so many.. thanks to FB i guess.. :P hehe

got to run now, aint got no time for blogging or commenting again... will get back to blogger world sometime soon.. until then.. i aint dead, im just MIA..

~ never ending ~

where do u turn to when ur world just crumbles down
brings me to my knees wishing i don have to see tomorrow
with everythin so deep and heavy draggin me down more
wanting that yesterday's sweetness
the smell of your perfume on my shirt
the stains of ur lipstick on my collar
the way ur hands finds mine and fits perfectly in it
and that all lost look into my eyes

why does my heart still linger on yesterday's memory
all u say now is for me to be happy with wht i've got now
only happiness i ever remember is having you in my arms
and hearing your voice so late in the nights
and waking me up too early to open ma eyes
wishin that i had your voice to wake upto
that innocent childish look on your fresh in the morning

why did we end up caring too much of each other
and both of us stranded and left alone in each other's world
only words spoken over keyboard
and yet the feelings so fresh, the love we had for each other
why couldnt we try hard at wht we hard
why did i even choose to let you go
i cant forgive myself for that ever again in my life
making you cry today and leave you with nothin but pain
when i promised to give all the love i had in me

how did we end up walking away from each other
and realised it when we wre too far away
oceans apart, we ripped each other apart
and want each other wen we cant have each other
after so much has changed on your side
and im still waiting ashore waiting of that becon
all i do is sit up in my lonliness thinking about us

i've got your words, your cute ways deep too much inside me
things that no one ever replace, a feelin thats never goin to change
how could you the love i had for you to someone else
just cos you chose to be with someone else doesnt mean i need to
i hate it each time you have a fight and gettin treated wrong
cant help it other than to pray u have a better tomorrow
when wud ever learn we needed each other more than anythin else in our lifes
and yet we decided to be apart, not for now but for ever

i can never forget what you gave me when u with me
puttin up through ma rainy days and hopin we'd have sunshine together
but today i've left with only more rain
hopin and prayin it'd wash away my pain
but i don wanna let it all wash it away
cos im too afraid the rain my wash out the love left in me
the love we promised to have for each other
no matter how apart we are, no matter where we went
no matter whom we met, the days we had together belonged to us

im left in pain, thinkin and cryin and prayin to turn back time
just this one time to have you back in arms and not let go of you this time
the truth and the pain ill be if i do let go of ur hands
why didnt you ever look back and ask me once again
you left with just a cry in your voice
everythin changed the time we decided to be part
now to know there is love still left burnin in us

i've got your words for eternity
"i wish i hadn't met you
i wish i hadn't fallen in love you
then maybe i wud have thought this is life n got on fine"
you broke me down the first time you left
and into pieces no one can pick it and put it back in place
left me alive only to take away my soul with you
when u packed your bags and decided to let me go
i cant help it no more to tell you i need you in my life
name what do i have to give to have you back
but i guess there's nothin to change
not today, when you stand in line to be a wife of another man
dreams of us together shattered
love for each other burnin our souls out
for we care not about tomorrow, we care too much abt each other

~ tagged ~

Thanks to Indyana for the taggin...

NOW THIS TAG HAS RULES,AS FOLLOWS:
*Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
*Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
*Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
*Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven random things about me

I suck at real face to face conversation skills
I'm clumsy as ever than to my appearance
Use to be a real sports freak at school
I need my atleast 3hrs after i wake up to come into senses
I love to be alone when im with someone and i earn to be with someone when im alone
I dont think before i dive
I have identities seperate from my family & friends

there i go... 7 random totally useless information.. :D

~ here u go II ~

another set of designs.. hmm you'll like it...