~ being who i am ~

Continuing on being 23, its quiet hard to accept when you get past a certain age i suppose
now i understand why most ppl whine and rant abt aging and hiding the real age
which makes me think of how i've never lived my life on my age
everything that happened either too quick or too slow
but never in the perfect moment of time except for a very few things
there is no possibility that i could relate myself to anyone else
i've roamed to find a mirror to compare and know where im is where i shud be
if not for questions and answers where would be today

my mind is filled with so many questions right now, when its even 1.30 in the middle of the morning, i shud be out partyin, hittin up on the last drinks for the night, where as im sittin here at home after watchin a movie. Back to the questions, I let myself drown in certain someone i've tried so hard to get over. But only to end up with more questions and more of the times i was with her. Truth be told, im no expert at relationship, i do know a few things, here & there to save myself. I keep wondering myself to so many IF's, which i'll never have answers to, cause i'd never be speaking to her again, if she'd be even talking to be, don't think i'd be the guy to ask her any questions.. I've even let myself wonder on what happened, why it happened, how it all happened.

I dont know who im anymore. plain and simple as i would put it. over breakup and downturn, most would come up with the phrase as "back to square one". In my case i would say, "BACK TO BEING OUT OF THE GAME." i'd gladly say im a loser (one hella of loser*bigtime reality check*). I've been told many times, I DON HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO FIGHT, I DON HAVE IT TAKES TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO, GIVE UP ON THINGS WHEN IT GETS A LIL TOUGH. the recent few months have been the toughest in my life, career wise, i commited a suicide by throwing a promotion out the window. Now window is a lil understatement after all the heated arguments & bombings. how many of you would have what it takes to walk away or stay and fight for whats rightfully yours? What i've learnt until now is, no matter how much you deserve to have whats yours, you'd have a million ppl reasoning against it, and they'd do anything in their last will power to take down who they want to. Seriously makes me wonder where is that will power of mine? I was once blood thirsty animal, who would stand against any storm and say FUCK you right in the face. But now i turn away from the storm after a hard beating with a smile on my face. i guess learning to let it go has some how taught to me LET IT ALL GO, ending up being on either clean slate or being totally make the life altering mistakes which you can never go back to change.

I clearly dont know where i would start off now. everyone dies for a fresh start at some point in their life. i wonder if this is mine. I've got a lot to clean up, specially on the mess i've gotten myself into since work. But like all things, everything does come to an end, question is IS THIS MY END GAME? I keep wondering to myself, if i've turned myself to be my father, stuck in a dead end job, who cant make a move because of certain choices. Wish i'd have someone to talk to, i so wish you'd be around to tell me something. I've made choices that even i regret in my life, but i only wish that i wouldnt be so arrogant, such a knuckle head, im a walking talking self desruct button always pushed on. my pride, my ego, my arrogance is desructive, i dont know where im goin to end up. I had someone to pull me back each time i'd get outta bounds, but now the voices gets blocked inside my head, i cant hear myself anymore. it's difficult to be who i am, where i am. Being me is no easy task, there is moral quarrel between the animal im am and the man inside me, even when its at looking a pretty looking lady. i digust my own self.

there was so many things i believed about life when i was with my last girl, love is such a dagger even when its being pulled out, there is pain, and somehow the wounds still like the metal slashin the meat away and the sting sends you to a state of mind you lose yourself in it. indulgance in such is what i've done so far. i havent even realised that there was no knife, it was only my mind sayin there is pain and love. the awakening hasn't been pretty. the animal which has been sleeping inside the the cover the man i was tryin to become of, is out and in vengence. there is no love anymore, how can there be any love, when it was yanked out of me. such a blind fool to everything that ever happened. today i've lost what i tried to become, to which ill never be. i will learn to love again, but the mind has blocked my heart so far locked inside, i cant hear the voice no more. it has become of my manipulative desructive mind, which wants to live the mind. path to the destruction has begun, from now on its goin to FUCK YOU LIFE, WORLD MEET THE ANIMAL...i'm learning to be the destruction im meant to become of, anythin i touch, anyone who cares or loves for me. i guess its a gift, no matter how hard you fight to run away from it, if your born to be this, for how long and far can i be running away from the destiny. to being 23 and to being the dark side of the lo$t $oul

For the one, if your still reading this, this is meant not to hurt you in anyway, im simply lost again, dont think there is anything that can be done now. Remember to smile, look pretty as how you'd look on any given day.

Question: i've got a 18 page, 12K+ word document which spans for 6 months, sort of digital journal during my last relationship. wondering what i should be doing to it..help anyone.