~ breaking down ~

every story has two sides like of a coin. most of us don look on both sides. some prefer to stick on one side. this in a wy can be better off, but sometimes, when no one knows wht happens actually its easier to jump into conclusion. but we all know there is there always two sides to anythin. recently i've been having a lot of storm. and it just keeps comin n comin without any ending. be it with the love that im tryin to reconcile, be it friendship, be it work. my life revolves around few things, the people im close with, people who are close with me(lately lack thereof), work, and few friends who i hang/talk with. Most who are close to me have ended up taking the wrong pic of me, or maybe they are right n i don see the real picture which they see me as im, maybe thats my originality.

I've always worked hard to get to where am i now. with people, with work. but its all breaking down, comin down like rain, and it dont matter. i've tried my best to keep things in wrap, all i can think n say to myself is wait till the rain is over. but it doesnt seem to stop at al. wish i knew which turn to take, which move to make, what words to say. even though i wud be dejavu, sometimes it makes life a lil easier. so how do i hold up, when i dont know wht im holding up for. everything i've worked for all this while, has broken down to pieces n cant make anythin of it anymore. its decision which i need to make, do i turn back on the road i've walked so far, tryin to keep myself together for someone i really loved n cared about, waiting for her, never doubting her, giving her all the freedom in the world. non of that doesnt even exist anymore.

believes have changed, times have changed, people's mind/thinking have changed. and im still tryin to be the good person. I know im far from it, im nothin of being perfect bf or even a friend. sometimes i dont know, how just a sentence can make a lose eveything u had with them vanish in thin air, how months of waiting to meet you love n tryin ur best to be with her, ends up being not enough work or not enough time for the relationship. how abt the late nights after work that i use to sit up n talk to cos i don get to see u everyday. early mornin wake up calls, which im jus barely gettin some, which i most loved of, when u wanted to hear ma voice. did it all mean anythin how we use to be. does non of that mean anythin to you anymore. for a simple reason i let go of thinkin u'd have a better life without, what ur parents can give, it became my fault, my wrong. i was never thinkin about me, i was always thinking about u. there cant be two dreamers in a relationship.

its breaking me down, how everythin we've been through means nothin, was not enough. u wre on holiday, i wasn't. i had bills to pay, job to keep, things to run. least i thought u'd understand. U never understand me on how i looked at you. you wre too pretty, too cute, too adorable to be with a guy like me. i've always loved the way u wre. i've always appreciated the wy u've looked, n now i never said u look good. im not tellin these to hurt you, i just want u to think back. im trying to hold it together to be the good person, its just breakin me inside to turn to do the wrong, say what i don mean, but just hurt u back. ill never do that purposely. just so u know im down, hurt n lost, i've got no where to go, i cant take no more pain to stand tall. i've become weak as ever. i simply wish u'd understand that. I dont know wht ur goin tru there all by urself. some how i feel i shudnt have let u go, when u wanted to walk away, but now, after u reasoning me to believe i don love u, or i never loved you. i dono wht to say.

nothin means anythin anymore. i feel as if im lost again. my head aint clear, my thoughts become blurry. i've tried to keep focus, but i cant, im losing u, im losing everyone. cant fight no more, got no strength, got no perspective to see things. all im doing is breaking down, pushin ma self destruct harder than ever. time to let go of me darling, i was never there to be with u now ya? u meant a lot, alot more than u though how much u meant to me, just never had the words to tell, cos u'd take me for a regular, kept u on the surprise n dark, guess u walked out when u cudnt take it waiting in the dark, when u wre everythin for me stay sane n be ur man. given up everythin for you, making a day for us, making a life for u n me.. guess it don matter now, cos im no more there for u. breaking down is all im doin right now, u aint here to watch me, u aint here to hold, aint goin to lend out ma hand anymore. back to the animal i was, better for u, better for everyone...u know where to come knocking when u need me, u'd always be my everythin.

"Slip out the back before they know you were there

And at the worst you'll see nobody cares

Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down

Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know

All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control

To the point where everything was going end over end

I'm spinning around in circles again

This is where you come in

All of this to explain to you whyI had to separate myself away from yesterday's life

Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be

But I had to protect you from me

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

I know you felt unprepared

But every single time I was around I just bring you down

And I could tell that it was time to be scared

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

And I know the way I left wasn't fairI didn't want to be around just to bring you down

I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care"

~ brokensouline ends ~

yet again, the souline is broken. there is no life that i see. if most dont get what im saying. its over. curtains closed. the relationship with someone you believed you wud spend ur remaining lifetime with call it quits. couldnt put up with a guy like me. truths exchanged. curtains brought down. im no more the person she thought i was. everythin has to end right. atleast u had it what it takes to call it quits. sensible one in the relationship. n i foolishly beleived i wud have someone good as u in ma life for the rest of ur life. everythin has a reason. maybe i'm payin the price for my sins. well alls well ends well i hope.

thanks to everyone who've been reading, supporting and giving their in love in words for what i write.

take care n love to everyone.

~ look at you ~

everytime i look at myself in the mirror

i saw nothin but a empty shell before i met you

nothin in that life was certain

nothin of it brought real happines

but still i lived it with no purpose

comin to think about what changed my life today

all i can see is you

where did u go when i miss you so much

although it seems like the same i did to do

also feels likes i get what i deserve

i left u in the cold for many days

and i waiting for the summer with you

wish i can turn back time n make it upto you

but all i wanna do is move forward

think about how wud i make it up for you

wishing i'd get every min to spend with you

to make you happy n complete with me

i do not know if im asking for too much

but that is all i ask from you

be with me right now for the rest our time

let me keep you happy

i know i've let u down, never meant to

but i just did happen

wud u be there when i want to make it up

wud u let me be the guy you wanna close ur eyes n dream away

anythin in our days is nothin but if n buts

wish there wud be a day where both of us wud have non of that

have everythin for you and me

hoping for the day to come when you wud be mine

untill time folds for us to be together

i'd just be looking into the mirror

with no one by my side

except for you in my eyes n mind

~ deleted ~

there are things which u don hold onto, which is said to cause you nothin but negative effects. So im getting rid of mine, grudge against someone. I've taken off the previous post which i wrote. I very much thank everyone who read i did comment. i don wanna waste space on ma blog, who made my life miserable. i want to keep this place for the ones i care about - my love, my friends, my life. or just about daily stuff.

So thanks for reading n commenting on previous, time to let go off things.

cheeeerzzzz

~ perspective, hope, love, n wht not ~

how you view something, pov of someone, how you place urself. lately i've lost the perspective in my life. when someone leaves you to be far, the perspective changed. to me its been changing for as long as i've known. how does perspective affect yours? when there is uncertainity of the path thats laid before you becomes blurry or unstable, when u thought everythin has been set out, somethin along the way changes the course or draws ur attention away from where you want to be. how do use ur perspective to be able to see the bigger picture.

lately i've not been myself, too much emptiness. why is that when i get too close to someone they are taken away. its just happenin all over. when i started my long distance, i knew it was difficult, but never imagined if wud be so hard. i mean everything around us has changed. guess im taking my time to take everythin into me. but wht if i end being too late to make anythin for u. would be alright if i don get the chance again to be with you. everything has become so uncertain. i've never waited for anyone as much i've waited for u. i've never given so much of myself for anyone else in my life. when my whole perspective of love, relationship, companionship, life changed everythin in line with you. now your taken away from me. my mind keeps saying that everything is going to be alright.

i've never hoped for anythin in my life. while grew, i made myself a hard head, any emotion that could make me weak out not in me. but u showed me there is nothin wrong in having some for a better day. there is only hope that you'd be with me. with everythin else going wrong around me, only thing keeping me on track is you. sometimes lonliness creeps too much. i just get petrified when i think whats going to happen to tomorrow. i know your parents are never goin accept whats between, yet i hold your arm. everyone tells me im too young to be in a serious relationship. well i've run the field for sometime now, i might be kid by age, but i've got my fair share of time to getting to play, find what you want for the rest of ur n not for the night.

i started to write on somethin, i've ended up with somethin else. my perspective has changed to see you wud be with me for a very long long time. to be there for u when u need me, in the right way. to hold you in my arms, n im too proud to take u out(i hope u know tht). im not the bad ass guy u knew when we were friends. u know i've changed myself for u. there is so much which i was yesterday which im not today. inside me there is the animal and the human. somehow u managed to make the human out of the animal. but sometimes i've scarred you. sorry wud help at al, just so u know i didnt mean to make it that way.

i guess the perspective changes n differs when both of us are on different sides of life n society. what am i goin to change alone? sometime soon maybe i shud understand that n accept that. but when ur young n in love i dont know give up. not again, not with you. ur just happen to be too much in me, aint goin to let go that easily.

~ missing you ~

wish you were here with me right now
let me put my arms you and hold u close to me
not too tight, not away from me
jus the wy u always come into ma arms when u hug to leave me
ur last fragrance still fresh in my mind
your kiss before you turned n walked away from me
tell me how am i make up the weeks your not going to be here with me
its just been couple of days n still i want u to come back to me right now
thinkin about being away for just weeks drives me crazy
it evens hurts n drives me insane thinkin about you going to be away for far longer than that
my mind just goes to trance, thinking wht u would be doing right this moment
when im sitting here thinkin about you, would u be thinkin about me
would be wishin i was there with you, wishin i was holding your hands
in a land where we are couples n strangers to others
i wish i could steal u away from where i'm
a place only the two of us, look into each others
with no fear of being taken away from each other
where the thought of you'll be always mine
where i know only u and be with you

wake up every mornin next to you, you in ma arms still sleeping
wish i wud wake up before you every mornin, to watch you sleep
roll in bed with your eyes half open and hair fall on me
with my hands holding and my eyes just gaze into you
kiss you mornin, hug you tight and let you curl and fall into sleep again
run ma fingers thru ur hair and curl em
bite ur ear lobes n kiss u on ur lips
n u gettin on me n not letting me sleep
wish you with me, here with me now
so u could wat im typing, so you wud be first who reads this
you wud be the one knowin that i love you too much
i just dont know how to tell it to you
maybe im just searchin to say wht to say to you
but i've realised i wished i told you i love you more often
everytime ur hand wud search for mine, everytime you smile just when u look at me

i just cant find a reason wht made u fall in love with me
after u know so much about me, after all the times i've let u down
wonder why took the chance with me
don ever think i wud leave for another
i just hurts too much everytime u say that
i dont know if u mean it or not, but it aint funny
wishin i had someone in life
was getting so comfy in my solitude
not anymore, wishin u wre with me every
my mind maybe roamin around wen im with you
but when i take back to you, i just cant simply find a reason how come those eyes fell for me
would u be mine forever, would u be there when im down, wud u let me be there when ur down
wud u let me hold n let u cry when u just want to

years ahead seems all blur n clear
sandy beaches, no work, no phones, no fear of u being taken away from me
just u n me, i jus wanna melt in ur arms and let u hold me really tight n let go of me ever
walk on the beach, watchin the sunset n dippin our feet in sea
cook for each other, be always in each others arms
house only for the two of us, a place to share between us
a house to be burned wen ur mad at me, a house to be curled in cozy cold weather
wish u wud always fall asleep in ma arms n let me carry you to bed
watch you curl up n sleep in ma arms every night

is this too much to wish for, is this of a young loves' wish or simply how much i miss you,
i've told you wht i want with you from now, with u by my side always
to know no matter how the world turns against me, u wud be there for me
no matter wht comes between us, no matter how many arguments, no matter how many long night conversation, no matter how many early mornin wake up calls, i will be there
always know to let ur hand so i wud grab out for it

miss you too much baby, come back in to ma arms quick
till my eyes set on you, memory of being with you fresh in me..

wrote this while you wre away from me.. hope you'd get to read this know and i do miss you maybe not n how u want me to.. but i sure do...

~ what would i do ~

been mising you ever since the network went dead on us
havent heard ur voice in 2 weeks, seems like a very long time
the early mornin wake up to ur sweet voice
now my mornings empty, just waking up without hearin ur voice
ur sweet innocence which draws a smile on me always, now only in my memory
waiting til you come back into my arms
to catch you looking into ma eyes
to watch you go blank, to put my arms around you n tell you that i love you

Been all crazy everytime i think about you
two weeks seems endless, thinkin about how long you goin to be away just makes me stare into emptiness
never waited for anyone like i've done for you
maybe the loniless is creeping inside me too much
wanting to be with every second, hopin i wud get more time with you
im sorry i've not given you all my time, somehow you've made me feel how much i need you
how much you must have wanted to be with me n i didnt give you time
makes me look stupid n not worth your time

made up ma mind that you'd be my everythin when u come back
goin to make it upto you ma lil baby love
thinking about all the times you'd get cute with me
thinkin about how much im missin when ur not around me
and when ur around me, the wy ur arms goes around me
the way u make u feel excited when i hold u in my arms
when smile innocently like a lil child

please come back sooon
waiting for you