~ flesh ~

the urge of the flesh has started buring again in me
i thought i was through all this, but nothing seems to have changed except that im guilty right now
guilty of being in a relationship and having the thirst for someone else
i've tried to kill this thirst inside me and have not failed entirely so far
im beginning to fear myself, seeing myself change back to the old me
would i become of the curse to me as i was, or would the love make me alive and kill the thirst
everything is within me, to kill it or give into my flesh desire
how do i resist this and fight this temptation from being guilty and hurting someone
would my tomorrow be more darker than today or yesterday or would there more light
my darkest fears of being a bastard in a relationship is creeping into my life
if its one thing i was certain of in my life, never wanted to cheated on my love
i havent cheated so far, though to some extent i wud say im guilty of giving into urges
i've questioned myself why is this weakness in memy desire to be greater has been reduced by this desire of the flesh
i was never ashamed of having a physical contact with a stranger but the guilt is weighing heavier in me
all of us wish for a new place to start anew, to me its not the place i need to change, its the world i live in, i move with so many different walks of life, but there is some which i want to be away from and close to some who would change my desire
when im emotionally, mentally and physically with the one who wants to see me better, i end up being better
i see myself as a mirror, its how you want to see me, you would see
but i cant be a mirror anymore, so either i break myself or turn away
i'm longing to talk to someone who knows me most and have seen the most of me
who has seen the good of me and the bad of me
never judged me and never failed to be support when i failed and fell down
i need to pull myself together all over again
there is somethin bold growing inside
its only a child right now and the temptation of that is wild and beyond
should i kill the child in me and make the man i'm alive
the man in me just emptiness and hallow and the child of desire is full of it
how do i change all of this, make the child nothing and the man the full of me
i would need to build a wall around me to keep myself away from those which i need to be away for the life i've chosen
too many questions and only one answer, that is; to end who i'm
i'd do anything to forget my past to forget so many faces to forget what i do to fulfill the desire
or can i learn not to make those mistakes again
im failing my own test, felt excentric once when i tested myself and didnt give in
lately i'm starting to slip, fallen n on the edge of overthrowing myself
every today is becoming more heavy
i need the one with me to hold my hand again for me to get up again
i havent let you down yet, but i'm afraid i might and i wont be able to face you
that is the only thing that rings in my mind everytime im on the edge of making a mistake
your the one who can make me full again

~ space ~

ok, this is something i wrote when i was in a depressed state of mind. this is not something you would enjoy reading, this is more about my feelings and what i was going threw, there is a load of those writing, im just putting one to check out whts the response, so peeps, read it, i wudnt say enjoy it, but do leave a comment on how you felt.. would appreciate it very much.. cheers

sitting up in an empty space around me
feeling the life been drained out of me
not feeling for anythin anylonger
wishing that i wud get a chance to tear up this emptiness
saying to myself to stop wishing but to get up and make the what i need
but where i go its just filled with emptiness
how would make anythin out of this
remembering how my life use to be colorful
and now colorles and selfless world around
my efforts of trying to paint colors in my world have failed with no effort
what do i do to turn this around
whats even more depressing is that even among a handfull of people feeling lonely runs deep inside me
tired of waiting for something to change all this
still finding reasons to my loniless
searching for an pinhole to look at color again
would any of this change, would it be different tomorrow from yesterday
just getting weak n wearing thin each second passes by
does this mean im meant to be alone like this or would there be someone or somethin to turn things around for me
everytime i hope for somethin happy to happen turns around absolutely the other way
something inside keeps blocking me from moving on
is this feeling rests only within me or is it around everyone
i do not understand how come i stand alone today
is it cos of who i was i or is it cos who i am
or do i not allow anyone else to stand with me
i can remember being with a pac
running wild n pushin hard, force u never want to try push
nothin of my past is the same today
but there is nothin in today for me
every time i recall the happiness i had in life my, leaving left alone of those memories
want to give up on tomorrow and just live the day, but not given the chance of living out tomorrow
endless hopes n dreams have made me fail about the day
nevertheless have i stopped dreaming
somewhere within rest a voice asking me fight, push harder for the tomorrow i want to live in
chances are wearing thin and i dont see myself goin anywhere
to the world im just a kid, but within me i've aged much more than a number
countless endures of pain from failing, endless outspoken moments, too much guilt, lost of hope
everything he would need to go through a man's lifetime have been through
yet i wonder whats left in for tomorrow, if there was so much in my past
questions pouring out constant
to those which i have no answer but to live and find out
would anything of what i do or say matter to anyone
would they not understand what i say or just take me for granted cos i don have the age to tell beyond what they know or understand
tired of trying to prove to others of what i can
given up on what i want and living what comes toward me
too tired to fight with people who would not understand what im trying to prove
who are looking to prove and put me down
yet there is a certain hope n love to fight with
the ones close to me has given me everything they could possibly give to keep me alive
im still finding a word to say how much they mean to me
after being through everythin with me and yet they are still with me
guess this is what you call a break between game
somethin to sit down and think about
endless nights of lonliness, vague dreams, guilty past, rough patches not consoled
what would all this mean when i wake up from my dream
am i in a transition between sleep and being awake or is it a mental state within not letting allowing myself to wake up
have i gone too far in my dreams that i would not wake up
or the voices inside me would wake me up in time
unresolved till i wake up

~ 21 ~ ii

continuation of the previous post has been cancelled due to personal reasons, freely writing about myself has cost me somethin over the last week. so here after this would be open to few or i would stop writing at al and go back to my usual generalised writing on life n amuses.

adios

~ 21 ~

most ppl would say it as the turning point in life or they make a haha hoo hoo about it, well i managed to slip through it from many ppl, but the closest who wouldnt forget it those minor details to embarass you that your getting older by the number dont seems to get it. well since off complications i have two days of hosting my party for being 21 years of dwelling in this earth putting up with many, thrashing out plenty, giving in, taking out, lazing around, amusing others, list goes on. i obviously have to make you ppl laugh about this, i have two days *for those inquisite ones, let me explain to your rusted upstairs, i was born on the 7th just passing the hour or somethin*now i know why i'm a night owl and not a early bird* but the hospital records intially showed as 6th, my parents had done the necessary to change it at that level, the hospital authoritys didnt bother to double check records gave my legal date as 6th, probably thought i was born in the late hours of 6th. so my legal documents bare the date as 6th and family treats me for the 7th.

so how was this 21? i mean u get only one 21 ya, i mean ma 21! hmmm started off with a grand gift with 3 of my friends, before actually opening ma gift, i had to go through alot of celotape, appreciate the love guys, i mean the pleasure you get out of seeing me blarring ma gift in public. well it was nice of em to get the most unusua card and have the gift inside it. they intial gift they planned on getting me was a russian hooker, somehow i convinced them to give me the cash they were goin to utilise on her for my good night. escape that. they got me a nice set of $$$$$, im still shocked.. which means even i have to throw in at thier gifts. hmmm makes me wonder. finised off me mini supper, to knock off ma previous night and early morning toxication from a friends b'day party at the club. kicked off to play some pool, quiet an art, they say im too fast at shooting my que at the ball and my eyeline is out of sight. finishing that went off for dinner, pizza*yum yum* sitting there and looking around what to order, before deciding on the dinner, a nice hotty*a guy next to her(obvious), tell me where in sl do u find hot single grl at a restaurant, are woman in colombo are bare or im lost on that concept* made the order, like always mocking ma friends gf, previously a colleague rather ma team leader now working for a rival company. so mocking her is never a ending concept, its continous process and development. finishing that, walking out of the restaurant, nice chicks, but with family, give em the usual, looking fine but ur not my type look at her, actually two and the mother tryin to barge into ma looks into her daughters and not stay away from the lime light. off to ice cream, night doesnt end without ice cream at ILGELATO, nicked up a double mix soup of the delicious ice creams there, walking around, sitting on those high chairs...usual couch was occupied by a milf*guys im sure wud get this, she was one of those knockers* off to home, night has not ended yet, went home to put a change.

second part of the night - went home, get changed to hook up with my friends who im seeing after 5 years. awww time moves on and never waits ah? had to do the normal, hi's n whts goin down for the night. decided where we goin to be heading down, pick up couple more guys, it was a guys night. detour guys wanted to have somethin to eat before boozing al night long. so where else but pillawoos, early kotthu, just past 12, biiizzzbiizzz ma stupid phone, *1 Message Received*, who else could it be ma darling friend/enemy from india, she always been the first to wish me on my b'day in the couple of years we been together, she has once waited up till 3 so she can wake me up in the middle of ma sleep to wish me, anyways it was soo sweet of her and i like up in heaven to see her wishes. sent her kisses back for the wishes. so went down to the club n waiting for a henchman who had to slip all boys gang inside on a couples night. but hell its sri lanka, contacts and good repo can work u anywhere. so smoothing into the club, usual stares from the hunnies at the bar. the music wasnt anythin blood pumpin*me got a biggie adrenaline blood* i need music, smoothin around for a table, dropped off the bar, ask the bartender to throw me her best, she asked me if i wanna try her speciality, BULL DOG*anyone tried this* looking at her mixing it gave me shocks, is it goin to throw it in ma head with the first drink, but tht didnt do anythin, mind you this about vodka, bacardi, gin shaken with ice n served with red bull. me and ma friend sipping it until the rest of the gang shows up. cranky whad ups... so finally, booze arrives, so pick up the bottle walk up to get a bird eye view of the hunnies, sipping bacardi.. wasn't feeling heat right, so had to go close to the dance floor. sipping the drinks, i don get on the dance floor unless its with a grl, so standing and watchin the huns doin the thang. on for about couple of hours, times ticks off about 3.30, kinda tippsy with the large amounts of toxication impunding into my body. checked with ma mates if we are good to roll out, they were tippsy, except for the guys behind the wheels*responsible youths aye* so roll out club, untill someone wanted to check out another club, this is 4 in the morning, good enough so on the CHECKPOINT* the most decent cops i've ever come across in my lifetime in sri lanka* so being a tamil, i get a bonus question as to where i work and what i do, they were damm decent* so back in the car on the way to another club, finding more than the usual cops at galleface turn, and its some drunk jackass in a hatchback civic tried to overun at WRX*how stupid can he get* has hegded of the roundabout pavement and busted his front wheels, apparently couple of the guys who i know where in that. we were about to get into the club and thought not a good idea, since there wre two ladies involved in the tragic moment, valiant men i would say to the rescue, actually they wre with known guy. so where else to roll n shake em to reality and bring em back to normal at tht hour, pillawoos to the rescue. we cant resist the kotthu. so couple of cars and gang n the grls chillin out, talkin about old times and how messy we were. time to head back home. dropped off the huns and back to home...

rest to continue...

~ fate of love or uncertainity of realism ~

"we come into this world crying, but we must make sure we go from this world laughing. The day we stepped in this world we had no idea what we were heading for. We are on top of the world when someone who means the LIFE to you holds your hand, but with the twist of fate that very hand is taken is away from you and then you feel that someone has snatched your heard beat away and you find it hard to breathe. I think of main purpose of our existence is for one another. We live life for ourselves but for others. I know the reasons why I have to keep my heart beat working all the time, and the reason is for someone else heart beat to run. Well we might keep doing that al our lives, like we are doing it now, but that very person will continue life like there is isn't anyone who's watching them that close. The best way is to tell that how you feel about her/him, even if your not destined to be together, they will atleast know that there is someone who wants to protect everybit of them. So my advise is to tell them and the rest is upto her. If you never tell they would never know and your end up fading away the thoughts with time, especially when they have a own family, so please tell"

this is the text message which I received, not in a single one, this is compilation for the entire string of text messages which followed on one night at a stretch. this is not somethin new to me, we have this kind of conversation very frequently and disturb the minds of others and then we have a laugh about this. this is from a friend of mine, who in many circumstances understood what I was going through a period of time. what strikes me is that, how ever much we love someone and even if they don love us back the same way we wanted them to, that feeling would still be fresh within us. through time, soul searching and painful loneliness i've brought back the sunshine in my life now.

everything that happened to me, happened early and too fast for me grasp the depth of it. its only after gone past me i've realized the gravity and intense of it. when i didn't want to lose someone again i took the first dive in expressing my feelings verbally, which steered major catastrophe. but passing over and all that im living n loving again. im happy again. i've found someone is dearly in love with me, never imagined that would come true, but only dreamed of someone who would love me for who i'm. im not all that bad, just a lil bad ;-) its understandable how everyone wants to be loved and cared for. but i've someone who only gave and never expected anything back getting hurt, i've seen who've used someone's love to get what they want. its hard to define a border or line and say this is it, for love we go to extents we believe we would have never gone if we were not in love.

so is it something wrong to be in a state of mind where you would do anything for love and not do it for yourself? i've asked the question a zillion times, well thts the excuse i've been using in the past, that i ddint have anyone to change myeslf for. its nice to experience a change and feel love flow through you. love can hurt n heal. depends who you give it to. not out of my personal experience.its something what i have seen. so with that love is within all of us, its fate n uncertanity about each other that brings two together or rip apart to nothin.

~ dazzed weekend ~

woke up in the middle of ma sleep of rather second sleep, wondering what to do after rolling around too much in the bed and it was getting hot as well. so finally gave it up and dragged maself out of the throne(bed), after the usual morning chores, wondered what i had to do for the day as i made no plans previously, *ding* got a meeting at 1 remember, so had to go to office on saturday, which i never do, so privilaged and honoured, but dont know for how long. well picked up a ma package to be dropped before the meeting after office. went to office, nice to see an empty office, actually i prefer it that way, admist wht i go through 5 days of the week, man above in high heaven has decided to spare me for 2 days, thank him for tht.. got done with the last min prep for the meeting. dropped the package to a friend, had a quick chat, slipped to the meeting. on the way the stupid fone had to ring and embarrass me. i use to have a 6600, it was getting common every tom- dick- n- harry n jenny(blondes') ended up having it, so slipped it for an elite 6260, due to ma harsh usage managed to chip off the a key pad! so now im brought down to ma 2300, yes the lil butterfly model, so the guy whom im suppose to be having the meetings rings me to find out if im coming for the meeting, asked him to give me somtime will be there.. checked ma time.. oops im late. went there and it was over in a matter of 5 mins.. cant believe that he dragged me out of ma throne on a saturday for 5 mins meeting! was frothin furious but then something inside me asked me think of somethin sweet, ahhh ma sweet darling came to ma mind, wondering what she's upto. stood at the bus halt, wondering where to spend ma saturday afternoon at? hungry as havent food in ages, literally havent had proper food intake in about a month i think. so thinking of all the places, nothin comes to ma mind.

on the way home looking at the dark clouds and wondering would it start some rain and give me chill air? so i head home, pick up lunch at shop nearby, dropped ma pillows on the floor on the hall, switched on ma dvd player, slipped in a movie i bought over 3 weeks back didnt feel like it cos i as consumed by oc season 3 and x-men 3, i would support piracy to the fullest if they came out with good quality, but still piracy rocks. sat down, opened ma lunch, to find not enough curry! " i need alot of curry with rice" this is another day where i have to eat rice with less than visible curry. finished that, trying to stay awake.. but not, ma saturday evening nap consumes entirely and to find myself awake after couple of hours, movie has stopped playin and ma player has gone to snooze as well. hungry again. wondering what to do as it was too early for dinner. checked ma fone for any invitations or wake up calls, non! so happily rolled around for a while. was dark to turn on the light. started watching the movie from where i left, it was categorised as horror, found nothin horror about it than two hot grls in the movie, total JENNY*refer previous definition* finished that, ordered pizza, wait another half hour, walking around in ma balcony, found somethin, which im not goin to share! that kinda amused me and at the same time didnt wanna go to the balcony again. pizza arrives, im totally digusted by the sight of it, half cooked bacon, over roasted beef! complained to the manager.. wanted me to keep it as it is.. asked him to fly a kite as i was too hungry. calls me while im having ma half cooked pizza, to inform i wud get another pizza free with ma order.

that was about it no more drama, slipped on another movie. watched it in one time. time to get back to ma throne, was living all alone for three weekend and didnt do anythin which most teenagers would wanna do when their parents are out of house.

sunday wakes me up with a bright too much shine on ma face, took the piss off me. went on to morning black coffee, sipping ma coffee and switchin channels between split seconds and then later, ma mom decides to show up. had yummy lunch from ma aunts, which she cooked, i miss home cooked food! decide to go for a swim, ma usual sunday dip in the water, couple of lengths, rest of the breaths. getting the water off ma afro is a hassle, enjoyed the soup. headed home. for a peaceful dinner and then another movie. so thats about him. so s**** totally forgot why i started this, ma baby grl calls me from all the way in nz and i don recoginse her voice. well not ma fault entirely cos i havent heard her voice in 6 months. but then i didnt know where to stuff ma face, this happened on sunday morning. which the entire day i sat at home wondering how would i face her in real.. she calls to talk to me n i don recognise her voice. she is so badly goin to kill me. but i have a defense, ma smile, which she cant resist.. thts ma only weapon against her sweet innocence and everything about her.

~ care about you ~

this is something long over due, its a question which you asked me, but the answer to that is the meaning of our frienship. i dont know why this came into ur mind, out of the blue you asked me u cant find a reason why would i care about you so much and even trying harder. i put if off the that day saying don try hard, its somethin easy. well im putting down what i really want to tell you.

since day1 we met we were on the wrong books with each other, but as times went on we got to know about each other, u became friends with me when everyone else was not comfortable with ma language or general gesture. but i dont know what u saw about that made want to be my friend. but we progressed, through ma rough patches, through your rough patches. i knew how to handle ppl n problems my way when it goes wrong, but i couldnt watch u break down over a problem that you came across, even though u were strong, you blamed yourself for everything that went, thats when i came into being your problem, as im something u can handle and in front of you. im someone whom u can deal n put out all your frustration. like u never misjudged my anger and wanted me to control it, i was more concerned about you letting other ppl walk over me. everytime we use to fight, u wouldnt talk to me, u wouldnt answer ma txt, would keep everything to maself untill u would cool down about me. so i can blabber all again with you even though i wud have had the conversation with you in ma head.

there was everything i liked about you, i cant think of anything that i dislike about you. when you ended up caring for me and looking out for me when there was no reason to do other than a friend, i don think i need a reason to care for you. overtime we have grown up together now. but still i end up being the kid to you and you wud be the lil big sis to me. wonder to myself wht wud i have been without you! the track of life seems so blurr n dark to me. u made come out of my fears. the last few mins of the fathers' life, everything that is connected to that, going to a hospital. but there was a moment when i was scared of losing you, even though there was nothing that i could have done. something about seeing you was less painful than to never see you again. but all that is past now. that day is still so fresh in my mind, the sight of you lying on the bed, with tubes and needles stuck on you. just too scary and still freaks the day light off me. everything about you has a meaning and is special. everyday seems like a brand new day. everything you done for me is a miracle which i never expected. when u say friends were a season and they come to our lifes for a purpose, i use to think, i always think of only ur purpose, i wondered what my purpose in meeting you? two different ppl dont meet without a purpose. you've done everything that i can expect from a friend, you've given me your time, your attention, your patience, your wisdom, your simplicity.

there is so much of the couple of years we been together which is still fresh in ma mind. but everything is past. i still wish u were here, to be with me wht i'm going through so much. something which you wanted to see me change to, im doing everything with all my power and strength to break the chains and whom im today. everything owed to you.. guess now you know why i care so much about you....