~ stickit notes ~

Days keep passing by like there is eternity, but I know I should have had that eternity with you. Today is too late. You've moved on. I should move on. I've moved on, or so to speak in the figurative sense, of our dreams, funny how I still say it as our dreams. Then again, you were the dreamer and I was merely aiding you in them, finally you made me fall for them and went away. I don't blame you for anything. We were worlds apart, but differences is what made this entire facade, a dream to over flow into our real lives. I know where I went wrong, its a wrong I cannot correct myself, its the path that I walk that I cannot realise or reason in anyway you or anyone could understand. I'm far more sensitive on the inside than my demeanour. I guessed you should have known or read it how sensitive I'm about a lot of stuff. A steady relationship is only a illusion to me. Its not even merely a theory in my life. When everyone you've gotten close to, opened up to, looked up to, just kept walking away, disappointing you, hurting you, leaving you vulnerable, all you do is build walls. You know very well how good I'm at building walls very easily, how stubborn I can be, how much I can block things from my memory. I don't want to put you in a box, pack you off into a deep dark corner in my memory. I want you to live it. You've opened me up to so many things that I can never change about myself. But only remember those memories you gave to last forever. Thank You. I Miss You. Forever. You mean a lot to me thank you give yourself credit for. Maybe this a good bye note. Cause you never I would actually get to give one, so here it is, the first and last note I've given you.

~ hate ~

How much did I hurt you that you had to walk away from me?
I know that question cannot be fathomed in words, but only makes me realize what I've lost in my life.
Without you anymore, it simply doesn't make my life less complicated.
It only makes me more empty, when all I did was make room for you in it.
It may not seem in the quantity or as per your view, but I was slowly starting to make room for you.
Now without you in it, I'm only more reckless.
This broken soul is with a conscience because of you.
You were a reason why I'm still breathing and writing this.
Yet you I've made you to choose for you to walk away from me, sever all ties and disconnect me.
Is that how much you hate me?
Or is that how much I've made you to hate me?
Question question question.

~ need you ~

I wish I hadn't gotten so close to you like I did.

Although I never told you or showed you how much I would miss you when you were not around.

I need to find a new beginning, for a new beginning I need to kill this me.

There is no room for mental blocking. No more putting emotions in blocks.

My mind can only take so much.

Sometimes there is fight between too many of me, ripping out each other.

I'm torn between, the side that wants to drop everything and get on my knees for you.

The other that says’s, to fuck it all, end everything.

The other that say's, time will heal everything.

The other, you deserve this with sinister laugh.

There is only one thing that is keeping me holding onto the last strain of thread between us.

If I let that go, I’m afraid, there won’t be me anymore, all that you've tried would be of vain.

I can’t remember the last time I heard your voice, but it still echoes in mind,

The laugh the ripples through you when I tickle you,

The silent hisses, those starring eyes, those never resting fingers,

Everything is far damn too etched not in memory, but in me.

I remember you every time I’m in the shower,

When I wear the shirt you like the most,

Whenever I take a pic of me,

When I listen to the songs you wanted me to listen to,

Watching a TV series you got me hooked on,

That familiar perfume smell on anyone else.

I remember you, when I pass by the now closed coffee shop,

Where it use to be a hide out just for a few mins with you

How much I wanted you to stay back with me when you wanted to leave each time.

There is so much I wish I had told you, but instead I chose my silence.

Not even when you asked me what I want, but did you wait for me to answer.

We saw the same thing with two different perspectives.

You don’t know what I would give to turn back the time.

This time for real, not just in hopeful wishing, but in its true meaning.

I wrote something the below when I was only passing by the closed coffee shop, my fingers began on its own, typing away on the phone -

“I keep passing by the road I used to take, the same road I have to take to come to see you. High in anxiety, thinking what you going to wear, hoping you won't be late which brings a demon out of me, if you're going to give me that coy sexy smile of yours when you see me. The thought of holding your hands and not saying a word, looking into your eyes, feeling soft palms, you trying to pull them away cause of how much you sweat and I would still want to hold your hand ever so tightly and give in, how you bite your lower lip and look away teasingly, how you try to run your fingers on my shirt, trying to taking off a button, waiting for me to dare you to do try it and I don't let you take it off. I remember you in ways you would have never imagined. At times I think I'm a fool. A fool who was madly deep in love with inside but never showed you; maybe that's why they say action speaks louder than words. It was always words with us, we talked about life, photography, porno, suicide, love, past, future, dreams, sex, color of nail polish, lingerie, parents, obligations, work, endless list of things. You said you love me; I'm a fool who couldn't comprehend that. You didn't even want a reply, unconditionally you did love me, but what was I waiting for? I could never tell you my feelings; it’s like in a cage, where there is deep scars and emotional damages. My mind forms a cocoon at each emotional scar, blocking it out so I would never be felt that hurt or disappointment. You should have come way before in my life, a time which I was a lot more carefree and wild. Yes but then you wouldn't have met or talked. When all your emotions are blocked out in a cocoon, there is only a memory of that emotion in your mind and sometimes there is only so much my mind is capable to holding onto. The memories it holds are all that's left inside it. The memory of who I was once, who I was with once, everything is just a memory now. What will I be today without those memory? Now you've become that memory, that cocoon I need to have once again, this time not out of hurt but to preserve that memory of you. We may never meet, wish that you wouldn't see me walking by with another woman in your life; I know what that would do to us. What I began to write a line has become more than just now. Every passing building has a suppressed memory about the conversations I've had with you in my mind when I'm on the way to meet you.”

I miss you too much. More than you’d ever know.

~ i wish ~

I wish i had asked you to stay.

I wish i had smiled a lot more at you.

I wish i had told you I needed you more than you thought I did.

I wish you would have pushed me more over the edge to be with you.

I'm writing after so long, cause it hurts you're no longer there.

What hurts me most, you might be with someone else cause I couldn't be with you.

~ MMXII ~

I want this year to count. I've spend about the whole of last and my existence so far lounging I would say. Why this sudden guilt feeling you may ask! Enough of being a doormat or step stone for somebody else. So I've decided this year - 

Starting Writing more, at least one paragraph for a day (Day 6 - still not even one)

Save! - Not starve and save, but cut down on mac, expensive restaurants, clubbing & drinking.

Lose some weight, having told your cholesterol is above limit and given the family medical history, take a early warning.

Travel - See another country or take a holiday other than India, I haven't fully seen India either, but saying enough of aunts pampering food which makes you put on so much :) (all depends on savings)

Find a job that you love - enough having worked for corporate that foots your expensive lifestyle, you need to start thinking of a career or even a job that you like to do and not resent it every morning you wake up.

If by Dec 31st 2012 I have managed to do at least 3 of the above then this has been a good year for me!

~ back ~

I'm back just in time for the partying and celebrations!

Wishing everyone a brand New Year with lots of health, wealth, love and smiles!

Have fun everyone!

~ end of 2K11 ~

So its almost the year end, my last week at work - I wont be seeing the desk or lack thereof in office until the 3rd of January in 2K12, starting this Friday. That being said, i need to decide if i should take a holiday (by that i mean to India) the one and only place i can afford on quick blink of eye, spur of the moment place to hop over to relax, or maybe not sometimes. This time I've got 3 weeks off, thinking what am i going to do there for that long! since i'm going to be alone and nothing interesting to do! so that leaves me with a dilemma of going or not! with the ticket prices going up everyday, i might have to settle for Sri Lankan airlines.

Enough about my mundane, how has people been? I don't write anymore, but i see a lot of people have dropped the post rate as well. Is life too busy for everyone or its boring like how it is for me. Nothing excites me anymore, why does everything feel like I've lived eons over it? I don't write anymore, even pen and paper doesn't give me inspiration anymore, all i can come up with is broken love. So I've actually given up on writing too.

I couldn't even write this on one stretch!

Year has been good, bad, couldn't get any worse (well i wouldn't count on that)..but i'm still here.

So to everyone! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! this might the last post for the year!

~ adios ~

Bags are packed and ready to leave, I'm making the annual trip once again! Hope I don't fall sick like the last time!

Have a good weekend peeps!

~ me back ~

Oh well not really, just popping in to say, I've been neglecting this blog for far too long. There has been nothing interesting to post or rather even mutter! This place used to be my personal space for venting everything i wanted to say with no hold backs. But of late, or rather for sometime, I've known to confine inside my mind. Some say it's not really advisable, but there is only so much my head can hold too. Enough of my rant. Working for corporate really sucks, but i still need that paycheck, I wonder if it had spoiled  me and the luxury has me by the balls, that I cant seem to get out of it!

So how has everyone else been? I do still read you people, from the comments i leave you should have known i'm around.

Until next time, with anything or if anything at all to say! :)

Keep it real 

~ bored me ~

Hello there bloggers, how has everyone been? Sorry that I have vanished from this sphere for sometime, haven't been able to pen anything down lately. My fingers wont work on the keyboard to do any writing either. Don't think I'm having writers block, or that phase everyone goes through, but, its cause my fingers have been busy on this little piece of techy toy - BlackBerry Torch. Oh yes, got it as gift (lucky me). Had to do a lot waiting for this piece, was testing my patience big time, finally when it arrived, it seemed worth the wait.

But me playing with that has nothing to do with me not writing what I usually writing about, sometimes mundane things, a rant here and there, a few tagged post. I really want to write something that would make me want to read it all over again without having to skip any lines. How do I do that?

Other than this, I really don't have much going on I could share with you guys I guess, but how has the blogging world been going? I see a new trend going - 30 days of movies or poetry, songs not sure!

Somebody please suggest a new hobby for me before I die of boredom!

~ short story 2 ~

The evening skyline resembled coming of apocalypse, the city below his feet only resembled that everything was below him for once in his life. Is it the beginning of the things to come or the end of everything that he has been through. He felt droplets of rain smashing against his dark skin sinking with the darkness. The droplets keep rushing towards him in numbers. He ran his fingers through his thick black hair, throwing it back, as he looks over the edge. He felt his hair was setting to become heavy for him to throw back with each passing seconds, but inside him, he was carrying heavier thoughts. With a deep sigh, he took another step forward towards the edge, towards a meaning to an end or a beginning. He could barely make out a faint call from behind him, with the rain growing wilder; the sound of rain drops against the concrete flooring was making it even harder. He sighed and took a look over his left shoulder; a faint figure is all that he could see in this darkness, a overhead light was flickering. He could not say out by name that it might be, taking another step towards the edge, he let out another sigh; he could hear a loud muffled cry for him.

~

The sound of his hear beat was growing louder in his ears, flashes of images kept racing before his eyes, or so he thought, his mind was playing tricks on him. Everything around didn’t make any sense to him, slowly, he was feeling as though the lights were going out on him, almost to a deep darkness, emptiness like never before, the sound of his heart beat almost fading away to nothing, complete stand still. The deafening sound made him feel as though he’s been pulled through a vast vacuum of nothing. He starting to question his conscious, if there was nothing called that right now, with everything that has happened to him in the past few minutes. He felt a sudden rush through his body, his mind raced even faster, as though throw a tunnel waiting to jolt out in high speed. The light coming back and the darkness fading behind him, a sudden shock through his body, he could hear his racing heart beat all over again, just when he was starting to only try to make sense of the blackness he’s been though.

With a loud beating in rhythm, he was starting to hear muffled screams, electronic beeps, he was feeling a rush all through his body, with a sudden jerk his torso rose from the flat bed, he opened his eyes in pain, gasping for air, breathing heaving, his body heaving up and down relentlessly for a few minutes, until he catches his breath to a normal pace. His eyes looked around for where he was. The rush in his body slowly subdued.

~

His fingers slowly grazing over her palm, roaming aimlessly across, which usually draws a smile across her face, he’d give anything to see that of hers, she’s got one of those soft smile, eyes glowing, everything else doesn’t mean anymore breath taking smile. She was running her fingers through his across; he was lying down on her lap. They would usually spend the evening together like this, nothing fancy, just the both of them at her place, in her little garden at the back of the house, on the swing, till the sun fades away from the horizon. He would make it a point to come spend time with her, let her smile steal his heart away; he wished he could give her everything, him in all. He saw love in her eyes, a love which he can only give in words for now.

His marriage has been on the rocks for some time now; his wife has become overly obsessive over him. He found the serenity of love in her, he is not the poster man of the year perfect reputation right now, but he’s tried so hard. It’s been years since he’s had a decent, laid back conversation with his wife. The hours that his wife and work steals from him, he gets them back in minutes when he is with her. He has been running away from his work and his wife for past few months with her, his excuse to officer would be he has some family issues, excuse to his wife would be client meetings out of office and he had no other choice or way to be with her.

He felt his blackberry vibrate inside his right pocket; it would only be his wife who is calling at this hour, he was about begin his curse, until he felt her fingers slowly going through his hair, almost like calming him, he sank in the moment, but the vibration continued. He managed to get himself up from the swing, sitting up straight, he took out his blackberry, it was confirmed that his wife was calling him. He answered with a neutral tone, “anything urgent?” she only manages in her usual not so soft voice, “what time are you coming home?”He was surprised at the tone of her voice, he continued “I’m not sure, still in a meeting” and he ran his hand over her thigh. “Come home soon, we need to talk, you can postpone your meeting” and line went dead after that. He could only wonder his surprise last only a second and she was back to herself.

He slipped his blackberry back to his pocket, with a sigh he rose from the swing, her hand immediately raced to hold his, pulling him, with her eyes questioning, lips almost murmuring, “do you have to leave?”

~

She held his hand pulling him back from getting up from the couch, “do you really have to go?” he turned round to say “no”, but his lips raced, “yes she is waiting for me”. Her fingers fell away from his hand; he heart felt so away from him. She knew she wasn’t supposed to feel for him, but she couldn’t stop herself falling for him. Her mind repeating “she shouldn't fall for him, she shouldn’t feel anything for him” but she was against herself on this one, as though there was two of her inside her. She sank back to the couch, sipping away her cappuccino, almost aimlessly starring at the large framed photograph on the wall, of a couple, looking into each other eyes, his arm around her waist, just like how Adam would hold her when she stood that close to him.

Melani’s mind was reeling away into thoughts of the time with Adam, she was his, but not anymore, she would beat herself inside her, every day and every minute for saying for saying nothing to him when he wanted to marry her. Her relationship with men has always never ended on a good note, but then when does relationships end on a good note she thought and at first he was just her quarter life crisis rebound. He was not everything she wanted out of her complex perception of HER perfect man, but he had his ways with his women. He was starting to grow on her skin, which was starting to make her throw panic button – ignoring his late night calls bluntly, not wanting to do Saturday ice cream meeting, or just sip coffee and let her rant out. He was starting to become of all the signs she was either interested in someone else or she was not ready for him. He doesn't stand to be ignored or even second to anyone or anything, with her he learnt patience. She wanted him to be just casual, but everything that has happened, it was starting to become more than just casual. Adam wouldn't ever know if she wanted more, but now all that doesn’t matter anymore.

~ short stories ~

The cold bench was sending a stinging sensation through her body, the evening breezing wasn’t helping much either, making her feel more nervous and uncomfortable of having to sit all by herself in this late evening. The large tree behind was her concave for their escapades for the few times they have been here. Her mind was racing as why he wanted to see her all of a sudden, in this hour of the day. Why this rush inside her body, she couldn't fathom, brushing her mind off with all the questions inside her.

She felt a touch on her left shoulder, a warm known grip, she instantly swung around sprung herself from the bench and her eyes met his, words none spoken yet. She saw another shadow, as though someone behind him, her eyes confirmed it was someone else beside him. It threw her back, like a punch in her gut, how this could be happening to her, after all she has been through. She had thought the ghost was never to be seen ever again, but yet there it was right in front of her, alongside her happiness, the reason why she is even alive today. She could not know this was the reason he wanted to see her, this was the reason for the rush at this late hour, all her answers were answered, but she was not ready for it. Not for this one. This was not a scenario she had in her mind.

~

Waking up to the loud noise, which she knew was coming from the ground floor. Her first and instant reaction was a curse, why her man was not beside her, why did he have to be away from her, tonight of all nights. As she tried to get herself up from the bed, she couldn’t move her limbs, her mind was pushing signals to her muscles to move, but nothing was happening. Her eyes started to fill with tears, soft moans was escaping her lips, she knew not to her cry, but she was feeling entirely lost and purposeless, she could not even wipe away the tears from her eyes, as she was laying still on the bed, her tears started to flow down the sides. She cursed the gods, whom she had been so devoted to her all her life, right from her childhood memories as she could remember, going to the cathedral close to her home, which looked giant to her for the first time when she stepped on the small pebble stoned steps leading to a large open wooden door, holding her daddy’s hand, tight, in her pretty white frock with ribbons. Why did they decide put her through this, she has not done any harm to another human being, her mind was screaming loud as possible, yet the room was in silence.
Her mind started to wonder, what that sound could have been, all sorts of possibilities were running through her mind, the worse ones was on top of the list and was coming back into her mind as she tried to brush them away with the thoughts of her love.

~

The ray of light going across her face was slowly bringing her out of her slumber. Her mind ran through a long list of things which were penned as routine, until today. Today she had none of that routine life anymore, she had the days ahead all to herself, which instantly brought a smile across, as she stretched herself lazily in the large bed, and yet she could not reach the foot rest, the sheet sprawling on her, almost or barely even covering her essentials. She reached out for her blackberry, there were no notifications lights blinking away, which on any other day would show a screen filled with notifications of new mails and text messages demanding her attention. She sprung her upper body up, sitting up on the bed, she was looking at herself on the ceiling to floor mirror on the right hand side of her bed which is in the dead centre of the room, with a large fan over head still hovering in full speed. She manages to get herself out of bed in all laziness and walk downstairs to the kitchen to make her a hot cup of coffee, though she never liked it hot. Leaving the water to boil, she was never the instant coffee person, she liked coffee pure brewed. Walking over the sitting space of the house, her hand involuntarily goes to up the remote resting on the glass coffee table right in front of the leather couch which she picked up last year before all this. Her fingers rubbing on the track pad of her mac, her screen comes to life, wondering if her life might be dull with a plain and clutter free desktop with just the minimum of icons, with a new mail notification.

She had a question, should she read the mail, the dead silent space was now filled with the news channel showing the latest happenings across the world, she could not bother to pay attention to the voice on the television. The voice in her head was asking to read, but another asking her not to, both was growing louder with each passing second. Her fingers rushed to the tap on the notification, which sprang up her inbox, with a name she dreaded to see in her inbox, but her rush was slowed, seeing there was no subject, could this mean anything at all? There was always something in the subject, but not today, why not?, was her question now.

~

Feeling the evening cold air rush across her face, more like she was racing through it, she could almost taste the bitter sea spray from the blue ocean on her left, she took her eyes off the road for a second to catch a glimpse of the sunset, sending her mind in rewind. Her eyes setting back on the long stretch of wavy road ahead, a soft smile draws across her face, sending her mind in spiral of thoughts back to the time when she came to the city for the first time in her life, when she was young naïve, and free spirited. She wanted so much back then, she questions herself now if she actually wanted all those wishes to be just wishes or not. Everything had been a lesson in her life, everything little experience, every person she had come across. Her parting from the city has been a humble one, but not her entrance. She came from a town few towns away from the city that never sleeps; she experienced it, after reading about in magazines in her teenage years. Everything about a city fascinated her – skinny girls, glamorous movie stars, the social elite, the bad boys, the movers, the shakers and she wanted her name etched somewhere along with them.

Leaving her town at the very young age of 19, not a run away, she loved her family too much for that, her over protective old brother, a younger street smart brother and little baby sitter who looked up to her and wanted to grow up just like her. She wanted to be famous, she never had the survival chance coming from a small town, but her passion and will was more than enough. She wanted to be the face of world famous brands, her silhouette on billboards, walk the ramp for the most outrageous stylist and designers, party all night long till your heels come off, be on the A list. Her senses coming back to reality, when she heard a loud bang against her Bentley Continental, bringing the car to a screeching soft after half a spin. She tried to catch her breath, hesitantly looking over her right shoulder; she could not make out what she might have knocked over.

~

She walked up to him with another glass of his favorite poison and one in her hand for her, wine, just enough to make her tipsy yet enough to be in her sense still so the night doesn't run for too long or in the most of awkward or a mockery of herself. She took a deep breath before stepping closer to him; she was facing his large broad back, which she admired, one of the things about him. Leaning against the half wall on the balcony, standing on tip toe, she leaned towards him, reaching up to his ear to whisper, “What’s on your mind?” with soft peck on his neck. Getting back on her feet, she hands him his poison for the night, just the first round yet. His response to her was half a smile and peck on her cheek, his lips began “thanks for having me over”, she stopped him half way with her finger on his lips. She didn't need his thanks; she knew he has been going through something difficult all by himself and when her phone screen lit up with his name as the caller, her fingers raced to answer his call. Tonight she could not even get him to smile, when all she can remember his bright and child like smile.
She reached for his cheeks with her soft small fingers, lips just whispering, “Whatever it is, let it go, before it eats you out and takes you away from me, it’s not worth it” her eyes almost going sad watching him like this. She inched closer, “don’t I even deserve that smile of yours?”

~

He held the little fingers in his for the first time; he felt a new rush, his blood almost rushing against his skin. He never thought he would be in this position, but today after this, anything seemed possible, he was father to this is child. The mother was next to the new born baby, she was not even willing to look at him. She wanted to scream out loud asking him to get away from both of them, but she couldn't, if it was any other day, any other circumstance, she would have never hesitated to hold her tongue. She tried to help herself to sit up, he body was so sore that she couldn't move herself, he reached out to help out of almost gag reflex, and her fingers almost tighten her grip around on his arm, she couldn't fight him today, her body giving away and having someone she despises to aid her at this time, was not what she had in mind.

She felt a sudden emptiness in her life, her room didn't have any flowers and there was no one else other than him, the baby, and her. She never played it in her mind like this; she wondered if all the fights with him were worth all this, the fight for him has left her with almost nothing.

~ untitled ~

He was crouching on his knees on the roof top of an old abandoned building right across was the hotel which has stood through time and has seen its share of the most unfortunate things in the world, tonight would be no different. Looking through the scope of the finest piece of metal molded into shape and dynamics to hold fine tuned silver bullets, made for only one purpose

~ lame ~

The last post i wrote was in september, lame i know. I have managed to neglect this blog for various reasons, to a name a few - haven't been able to write anything creative, been brushing up on my photoshop skills, working on a website that i cud use to launch for freelance portfolio (not that i've worked on any commercial projects) and have been spending alot of time designing. Have been designing dresses for a request and thought i'd post some to get the ladies words on my lame designs, which was actually liked. Need to learn more about drawing figures digitally. So here's a few that i kinda liked / thought wud pass.

I'm still learning to apply patterns and stuff, still in the learning the rope stages. Most of my previous designs have always been on a paper, which went to trash bin (digital / real). So thought i'd keep these just in case someone wanted to see what i can do. This is not the 1st time i'm designing dresses, but this would be 1st time i'm showing to larger audience, and strangers i would say, these are not the best, so go easy on me.

How has everyone been? busy making tht x'mas list?

~ facial hair ~

or in other words, beard.. :) see i've been sporting this for a long time, but quite not long as the one i've gotten myself with at the moment, its rather bushy.. i wud say. It seems like everyones problem these day. What ticked me off last night was, we were messing around in office (since it was poya, yes i work on poya days, all who sit their lazy bums on local calendar can shut it!!), we were trying out temporary coloring, and one guy got creative with it, colored up my mustache along a thick line down to the beard as well.. :) it was ... imagine a dark Hulk Hogan.. :) i was walking around in office, looking like this, with all the grls giggling away and almost rofl, but it was poya n i was in a sporty mood.

Coming home with it was the worse part, mom was in a complete fit that I've been sporting something that points to another religion (dont want to get in her words) and what the hell is the coloring? I don like being told what im suppose to do, and just coming back from office(which is another trauma for me everyday, not the like Angel's one, but... you get) and she letting it off, asked to zip it (not in the same words).

She has always wanted me to bind to social norms, and i for one, never grew up that way. Lately its not only my mother who is expecting me to be a certain standard... :) so i've asked a few, what they thought about my facial hair, its merely just hair to me, something i've been lazy or just wanted to brew something out of the ordinary.

So here i'm killing the cat, what do you'll think...? does my hair n beard go off, shud it stay? i think some of you might have noticed...bad afro.. long beard, hard to miss :D

~ rewind and relapse ~

There was sudden silence filling the room, he broke the silence, “what do you want out of this”. She looked at him perplexed “what do you mean”. His tone has gotten a lot more straightened out, “what are you getting out of this”. She was taken by his question; she paused, turned around, away from him. There was silence once again filling the room, he didn’t know what he was doing with her. He began with a sigh; she stopped him, turned around and kissed him, before he could say anything….

*Alternative to the previous story line*

He broke the kiss with a sigh, he tried to look into her eyes for an answer to his question, she knew well to hide it, but not for long. All she longed was for some attention, some love, some vanity and some excitement, something of everything that she has been deprived off by her husband for another woman. He understood the pain inside her which showed in her eyes, she couldn’t hide it so well. He closed the door behind him, shutting out the only lights to the room other than the moonlight filling the floor of the room close by the window. She tried to walk away from him, turning her back, putting both his arms around her, just around her waist, snuggling her closely, kissing on her neck, she running her fingers over his cheek, slowly trailing to his hair, pulling him closer, down to her skin. She let out a sigh, he felt her hip on his, grinding back on him. He manages to lift her off her feet, with his arms around her waist, tight, and her hands around his, flopping her down on the bed. Just as he walks closer to the bed, he could hear the vibration off the table, his phone, he goes closer to the phone away from the bed, looking at her, she let out sigh with a lower lip bitten by teeth, with her hand running over her bosom, curling her leg up to her bosom, he didn’t have the heart or the mind to take another step closer to the phone, he turned himself back to the bed.

His mind was telling him to stop, he wasn’t going to listen to that, they had other plans. they had begun a new chapter together, unconsented, unspoken of....

Does the above make any sense at all to anyone who has been reading the blog or the story (fantasy / surreal love tale) that i've been writing for sometime now? well I'm trying to figure what the IF's in the story, alternative to what previously happened, another parallel thinking of the same mind. does this sound like something u'd be interested in?

~ 25 to life ~

I had to steal that title from Eminem, my bad.

But the story is i turned quarter century last weekend. it was hella drama weeks around that corner, but just that weekend, nothing happened. NOTHING. apart from the wall post on fb and a few text msgs. so i decided what the hell, worked harder on nailing the logo i've been going at for months, bingo i did summon the omen in me to come out with it.. :)

Something came out of the not-at-all-happening birthday weekend [by weekend i emphasize i have the friday n saturday as b'day :-P]

Launched 85 Clothing. nailed the brand name, logo. couldnt wait to get my Tshirt done. got it done on one of my b'day's. :) wait for the site of 85 Clothing [nothing mind blowing] on how to get in touch and design that you might want to get done on your next tshirt. business is purely on personalised clothing. Only ONE piece clothing, meaning, only you'd have that designed, it would not be printed for anyone else. so let go of worrying having to wonder if you'd see someone else wear the same thing at office, party.. :)

But there seems to be catch, i wud have to come out of anonymity i think, sucks but then wth...

*raises imaginary glass, to 85 CLOTHING*

So anyone looking to have personalised tshirt... ;-)

Hows everyone's week going..?

~ hikka II ~

so the following is more explainatory to this as someone wondered why it was left mysterious. :)

I've been wanting to just rush out of colombo cause it has been reminding me of the same thing over and over again, which i wanted a break from. haven't been out of the city in a long time and i've been just mad about it. so the whole haahhoo about hikka fest, everything being underplayed this year. thought i'd just jump out since im not going to get any other excuse to run away from city.

The week has been a real rollercoaster at office, well there was no tumbling or turning on my part, cause i was sitting through meetings (finger pointings / management rants / pms releases of bosses / lack of attention from wife's / BF's) on me with a straight face. i walked out with much surprise, even to myself that i didnt lose my temper. collected my thoughts, made my decision, if ppl are so ungreatful for what you've contributed to it simply not my worthwhile, cause this is not my field and im not planning a career in the company nor this field. I was doing something i was good at and i was recruited back cause they needed a jump start on few things. I said hell with it and decided on what i wanted to put out on the table, everything, with no names, but my account manager knows to put 1 and 2 together, there wre not much ppl calling shots in this or fingers put in, told him i want out of account or i walk out of the company.

This was followed with another round with account manager, which he took the other one's side, so managed to do the same thing, sat through, breathin under my skin. Walked into his office after that, told him it aint going to work. Handed in the letter today. Sometimes my stubborness just gets the best of me, I'm my own prisoner. But it had to be done, i wasn't going to be someone else's shoe polish.. :)

So back to being unemployed. well not exactly, i have two months notice period to serve. will have a desk at work till then. want this to pass asap, so i could get this out of the way, clear my head out. Have to seriously think about i want to get on with my life. enough mistakes. enough wishing for 2nd chances.

Hopped on a bus, got to hikka, had a few friends waiting for me there. put on my beach shorts, opened up the bottle..and rest of it zipped, thrown away.

Somehow i see hikka like SIN CITY, where anything and everything goes with no slap on the wrist or anything. Heard names of drugs, never in my life. it scares me in a nauseous way. good thing about the trip - spontaneous, beach, bed, booze, walkin in beach short anywre, reading (half through Living thier lie by Brandon Ingram). My friends wre asking wtf was wrong with me, cause im not a guy who can be pulled off a dance floor easily, here i was sipping my drink(downing, i haven't aged tht much to sip), and me doing a two step wud be slower than snail walk.. :) so there is ma escape weekend....

how has everyone been? naughty, nice, bored?

~ hikka ~

and now i know whats e whole rave abt hikka is.... :-) shud i detail? ah ah ah...hows everyone's weekend?

~ Help - SOS - F1 ~

I dont know if im in the midst of quarter life crisis or not, certainly not helping me much, nor my mood, or not having any tolerance for bullshit or ppl pushing and shoving things at me (only was tried). So i jumped the gun once again, took my usual route of going to the avp at a level higher than someone who slotted himself in between in the corporate (bullshit) hierarchy with the prob the so who slotted himself came up with along with my immediate supervisor. dropped the words I WOULD NOT HESITATE TO QUIT IF I GET PUSHED ONCE MORE threat (not sure how it swings & thts a long story short). For once i was diplomatic, put everything on the table and made sure he got my point (frustration) and i was serious about putting the paper on the table and walking out. Was given alt options and routes to work things, but i'm not impressed. Since then, i've been looking for a hint of sarcasm or pushing / shoving from my immediate supervisor to type out that letter and sign and hand it over with a sigh / relief smile along with the frustration of the bills on the table in the back of my mind.

So im starting my backup plan, until i could find something stable, sending cv's to friends, head hunter's, basically as far as my finger tips manage to reach. So i thought why not reach out on the web, as a last resort - im out looking for freelance jobs in the lines of designing, writing. Two key areas which i can manage to do. But i dont have a qualification in one of them - writing and i don have credible work experience as such in both, although i went to a design school to study design. so if any of you know any gigs or temps that pop in ur head, please do drop me in on it, you'll can catch me on thegamelk@gmail.com if you require more of a formal resume of sort....

This comes as a desperation post of sort, hope i get through this week or make it to even a quarter life :)

Have a good week everyone..