~ piercing ~

I've had this piece of metal stuck into ma eyebrow from24th dec of 2004, as a pre christmas giffy for myself.. the ppl in ma office was in mixed reaction about this.. some liked it, some found it too much to take about somethin stuck there... and another dick(i seriously wudnt mind calling him tht cos he is one) was making a hahoo tht im copying, when i've always dreamed of gettin a eyebrow done even before meeting. (does he think he's the only one in the world, F*** off mate) so through time's i've changed it. actually the pic is of the latest mod. had with two spikes, which was straight not like on the pic, then a ball n spike, then reversed. over these yr n half, i've got so many comments and questions slapped at my face. First most common (99%) "didn't that hurt?" ah no it didnt except for a itch, somethin like you grl's n guys wud get when u got ur ear piercing. simple as tht. other dumb question which gets popped is that a "real pierce or something else", f***g retards yes its pierced, i'd raise it all to a side to show em its through ma skin and watch the scrouny face.!!!

actually my the entire bunch of family is cool, curious and gives some major comments, i mean the comments come from the 3rd generation upwards(g mom's mostly).. right down to the lil tiny twats... so the 2nd gen's(aunts, uncles, distant relation), some are alright about, they'd prefered me having ma ear pierced than the eyebrow, i'd say i'd give that a thought and do the addition in time to come.. hehe.. 1st gen's... hmmm most of em like it.. who ever doesnt like it or gives a sarcy comment, i'd say they are jealous i've got taste in peircing n im not common n im not afraid to be a rebellion.

friends and so forth... consider it hot, grusome, sicken, wicked, hmmm the list goes on.. even some of throw a fit when im adjust it with ma hands or playin around with it. hehe..

so there it is, being bored at office, managed to scribble some thought about ma metal stuck on eyebrow, now for the ppl who dont know me or havent commented about my accessory fitting. throws your at me and ill make it a collection...

~ monotonous ~

well thts how i'm right, been like tht for sometime, i have no say in whts happenin around me. Is there any way of changing this?!?! i dont know where to start and do what to change my life. its another monotonous week, been like this ever since i cant remember. I'm way too adrenaline pumped for the job i do, but i stil sit here complaining and do nothin about it. why? cos i got bills to pay cos of my flamboyant life style(a leo so wht can i say). so tryin to sort that out. so whats in the rest of my life, me let me see, weekdays this is my routine, on a normal day i would wake up about 10, just enough time to roll off ma throne(bed) and ma sip down coffee, watch abit of tv and my new(couple of days old habit) work somethin on my lappie(laptop) mess around while im watchin tv n coffee. by 11 time to get ma shirt ironed(pain in the *** work) cant i have the shirts ironed as n when its washed. then usual, B*G, shower, n on the wy to office i might get to see some birds, if im lucky two/three the most. OFFICE to me is like a literal sense of walkin into hell, u have to be on the alert the min u step cos there is so many ppl who just wants to eat u up cos they can take ur place. god i hate politics, i so badly wanna do ppl some return but i'd guess there'll be no difference between me n them. so office is at large probably around 500+, there is 3 shifts, morning(8-2) UK(12.30-9.30, which i work in) uk offline(1.30-10.30) and night(6 - 2). in ma dept its cut down to 12, so i have to spend 9hrs(8 at most in tht atmosphere) so the 12 breaks down to the male female ratio ofs: 4:8, sadly i don get ma fingers involved in office and nothin of my taste, all gampathalanawa ype(a word which i learnt after coming to this office, prev guys use this to call latha, goday, barbie streotype grls) there is only a couple of ppl who i can lay back with, rest of em im up on ma feet with them and i make sure i run their blood flow very well by frustating them.

so leaving that, i nicely have the secluded corner spot in the office, which is like where there is least of A/C gets to(there has been some major heated up argument about this and the issue is with the head of asian operation) comprising that on hand with privacy and a nice steal cupboard to rest my head when i want to doze off.. hehe :D i leisurely surf, read blogs, comment em, check xtra mail, hmm wht else, ahhh yes music download, although of lately tht has been cut out as the site i use to be gettin ma rips from has been shut down :'( poor poor me. can i have some sympathy pls?!?!? a lonely kid in the block with ferocious mosters(colleagues) around cant i have atleast some entertainment. like i said im too adrenaline pumped for this job, this office. seriously, i use to be like the left out kid a year and half back or right when i started, im 21, 2 1/2 yrs back, just 18(not right out of skool though) and rest of the ppl wre on avg 25+, ahaha hows tht? so now i've aged up and the avg has come down to 20.. now im feeling old (jeeesss) so after all tht i when i look up the roster sheet on the job im suppose to be doing. if i feel like it or someother appointment at night n i hav to get outta office early i get right down to work or a lil more of entertainment(personal) i hate the office small talk as well, ppl say i need to smile once in a while.

then around 4/5 somtimes even 6 work work work work work, continous till 9.30, wrap up ma stuff and sign off. off to home, where there'll be some thing to eat on my most lucky days if my mom is at home. watch tc while im having dinner. then lazin around till 10 or 11 unless im just impatient to watch a movie or series(DVD, thank god for techno, i don have to watch a series for weeks n weeks, i'd get bored). off to bed at about 1/2 depending on wht im watchin, lately its 2 series im watchin, Lword(how many have caught this i dont know) & NIPTUCK, its a plastic surgery cover, fav line in that, "so tell me what dont you like about yourself today?". off to bed, check up for final msgs, use it as a torch actually, snug into bed and dream away(i dont sometimes remember half the things, although sometimes i've able to bend my dream the way i want it to be..which makes me kinda nauseous sometimes) wake up as if it was a nightmare.

so thats how it is for the 5 days of week, and my weekends are horrid sometime worse than the weekdays, i wish there was no weekends, just work work work get paid, work work work work, get more paid and inbetween spend all that and make good use of my cc as well. so im laying it out here. peeps throw over ur comments... and il let u knw wht happens

~ emptiness ~

ok, another of you readers from my past writings, these were the cause of wounds which was inside, at the time it felt right, but now i dont know know, it was just about my feelings i suppose, one sided and closed up thoughts on myself, i've seen the light now, perhaps this is why they say u have to go through darkness to see the light, the darkness i went through was somethin to learn from.. so read and put ur comments...

emptiness just gets deeper in my myself
every second seems eternity without you
the more i try to keep myself busy
im reminded about you
feeling so lost and confused without
darkness just seems to be taking all over me
why does this happen to me?
would anyone have the answer to my question...
you alone hold the key to my joy and pain!
when the world seems to be the last place i want to be in
with you in it i dont mind spending my eternity in it with you
why wouldnt you understand my love for you
im not asking you to love me back,
im asking you just to understand my love for you
the truth that we both cant be together as lovers was known to me from the start
its just a wish n dream that i had, atleast as a friend you would understand me and accept me for who i am
but i guess that was not to ask for or dream about and wish for...
endless nights with thoughts and dreams about you in my mind
and today you want me to shatter all those dreams and hopes i've had about you
forget you, stop loving you, stop caring for you...
this is what we really meant for?
you wanted to see me being in love with someone
but when i choose to love you with all my life you ask me throw it away and forget everything about you
i dont know wht you meant to do to me by asking to be in love and now you ask me to throw that away..
i never meant to be in love with anyone
i started loving everything about you
when you meant to help others and turned bad, and others laughed at you
i had nothin to say except to pity them and loved you for what extent you would go for others not for yourself..
you asked me to believe in me but when are you going to start believing in yourself?
my mind is filled with those sweet memories we had together as friends
even when i choose to be a friend to you, love you and care for you
you choose not to understand me and accept somethin so small as this...
even knowing your reason why you dont want to understand my love.. there is something in me hoping you will some day..
till then and for ever i choose to love you n care for you as a friend
its your choice to throw me away and watch me in emptiness without you..

~ past ~

ok, here's another from the dark times of ma life, actually one of those times. i dont know how many would get wht i'm sayin, but it was just an expression of feeling. i found my way to let go of things through writing.. so here it is, take time to read up and drop a comment...


keep remebering my past over and over again
remind myself not to hold onto to but just to remember of it as a past
there is nothing i wud want to erase from it
there is nothing i wud want to add to it
everything that happend was for a reason and everything happened for the best
even though we had our mistakes
we had our fun and we had our best of times
even though things got complicated and made a distance between us we still liked being with each other
or atleast i was more comfortable having you around than anyone else
i meant to tell you everything for the only reason that u know me better and more than anyone else
atleast one person who wouldnt judge me and wud take me for who i am
i might have not been the best friend for you or atleast a good friend for you
but inside me i know i atleast tried to be there and might have failed
have no regret about caring about you have no regret for not having things go the way i wanted to be
but admist everythin we still happen to be friends
thats wht matter to me most and maybe thats wht we both needed from each other
just two people to be friends and be there for each other when each other needed other
all that mattered was the kinda of relationship we had with each other as friends and never mistook one and other
I've been myself around you and you yourself when ur with me
didnt have to put someone else for each other
we were comfortable being ourselves
i dont think i will ever regret about telling you the truth even though i know you wud want to kill me for wht i do
i dont know how is that you and i became friends
i remember you telling me you found a lil kid who didnt have anyone to talk to and who was frustrated about everything and you just wanted to help me out
you know what i saw in you, a woman who couldnt be more honest with her friends, who coudnt be more shy about her sleeping habit, who wud love to care for anyone without expecting anythin in return, who wud give her life for her siblings, who feels bad about even crying in front of a friend, everything so perfect and imperfect about her.
its strange how life brings two people together in the strangest form of caring for each other
everytime i think to myself if anyone cares for me i remember the smile of yours when ur down yet u dont want to show it
be always proud of your self darling never let other put you down
your who you are and never change for anyone else
i dont think i will ever see someone like you
but even if i didnt she wouldnt come close to ma dearest friend
nothing on earth can take my past away from me
but that doesnt stop me from moving onto my future and not ruining my present
im still enjoying my present being a friend and being there for you
and hope that ill be around some where in your big big big life
well memories is all we have to help us smile when the world comes down on us
never have i been clear about what i want in my life
never would know how wud i go on without my friend snapping me back to reality when im in false dreams
everything may seem too much all of a sudden but it happend for a reason
i never really got to know what i mean to you or what i write to you means anything for you
but ur smile means almost everything you want to say to me but doesnt come out in words
just hoping someday you would tell me wht i write to you means and wht you felt
been away from each other and still finding time to say hi
well my life seems to be taking a turn back with the stupid troubs i fall into like always
would love the company of a friend, someone to sit down and talk to you lik we use to
but sometimes atleast a one word txt from the person means alot
even though we have ended up with different things to go on with our lifes and drift away from each other we find some reason to be ther for each other
i guess thats wht somethin special about us and thats wht we are meant to be
still miss those long walks, ice creams, fighting with each for stupid reasons, talking long hours after work, watching you crave for something and then give it to your sis cos she likes it, too many things in my mind
i'm meant to be who i am right now, just a friend will always be ther for you as one
till my fingers are nibling again on the keyboard again, a hug a kiss from a friend who misses you...

~ frozen present ~

another one of the old post transferred to this.. enjoy this and please leave your comments...

stuck in the present cos of the memories and my bad habits of my past
searching for a resolution, willing to make sacrifices and move on
but every time im faced with the situation i end up self destructing
dark memories and bad attitude just wouldnt let me change to be away from what costs me alot
failing everytime im put out for a test, with scars, bruises and anger from them,
learning not to make the same mistakes over and over again
wishing that i would get a chance to start anew and leave my past behind me
but we all have to live with our dark memories and hope a sunshine
or is that every time i fail i've lost the chance for a sunshine day
my mind filled with question and searching for answers
there was a place where i would have found answers
but im lost once again even though the door was shown to me and the path i needed to take
trying to keep myself together and not let anythin take over the path i want to talk
ever been so self destructing never felt gravity of what i did
learning to face consequences of actions and mistakes has made me realise not to go the same path once i did
would i live upto expectation to other people or would i become of a failure
been always the rebellion, forced out norms and practises
taking things to my own hands and done everything the way i wanted it to be
would someone stop me falling deep down into darkness and depths of wrong
or would i continue to be the warrior for the war and be the casuality of being a rebel
keep questioning about a phrase that is ever ringing in my head, to know the good there is has to somethin bad, i've been or chosen to be bad for others to know what is good, in order for them to realise that do i ruin my life or have i already become a example of that and gone far in the path of that
reminding myself there is always a way to turn back and walk towards the right path and not to keep going where am im goin
i do not see myself clearly anymore, become so hallow that there is nothin left in me for me to turn back
i see myself going down cos of wht i done
only with one happiness of the smile that i remember of the ones close to me
would this ever change and be a turn around for me
i do not like to wait for something to happen on its own but still i find myself stuck in this mess
having learnt many things in relation to looking at life and live the day one at a time
beginning to take it slow and easy and not hoping for anything
one of the things i've learned from someone whom i have a million more to learn
wait for things to take place on its own then there wudnt be disappointment
being alone has a new meaning and new beginning
even with a crowd of known faces some emptiness rests in me
haven't really found the reason to why but i've been explained its natural
would the frozen present change or wud it ever remain frozen