~ walking away ~

everytime i dream about you, i sway my mind the other way around
thinkin it aint even right to feel the same feeling of holding you in ma arms
making me wish now that i had held u tighter more than often as we did
looked into ur eyes to tell you that i loved you
there is nobody else i wanted to spend the rest of my life with
with ur cuteness with ur anger with ur insecurity with your jealousy
its been time n more since the last time we even spoke

all it is to me is sweet memories
im where im i was last year except without you anymore in my life
shake my head in disbelief that a year has passed since we saw each other as lovers
thinkin about only makes me feel like a fool letting go of what i shudnt have
time n over i think to myself i shud have held to ur hands n asked u to stay with me

but there was no chance of that n no right i suppose
u always deserved someone better than me
i still dont know wht u saw in me, to make u think im anywhere close to being the man for you
there have been many a times i've asked you that n i never got an answer
im looking for the unanswered question in my mind to know that u knew wht u got into
rather than just another day in ur life
i hate to hurt to even ask u or say this, i never shud question if you love(d) me or not

today we've lost something we had over 3 years just over 8 months of relationship
i miss the baby talk, i miss listenin to you rant n rave about ur day
about how much you missed me, made me feel i was once worthy of having someone
guess time has answered my question of being worthy enough in ur world
i knew the ending before the beginning
carefull of not steppin ma feet into unknown waters
guess when i turned back to look i was long away from shore
gone too deep, too far into the point of no return

i dont understand how inbetween the begining n the end did i fall into this
all that comes to my mind is the sweet baby voice, the soft skin rubbin on my skin
that lost look in ur eyes, always looking for somethin when im around
i was never there to hold u when u broke down like i use to before
distance n space made each start walkin seperate paths in our lifes
when did we lose each other to other n finally away from the other

everyone say is just a guilt ride you wre on after we walked out on wht we had
but i never gave you up to anyone, even today i wudnt stand anyone trash talk to u
time has passed since i even wrote
the passion, the love, the pain, the hope, has been drained out of my days
today i walk with smile on my face with a scar in my heart
i can never hate you, i can never love you like i loved u again
today im just lo$t $oul who gave it all up cos he wasnt man enough to stand up for wht he wanted

sometimes i feel, how am i feeling alright, even after somethin which blew up in my face
right exactly when i knew it was going to, the drift, the hate talk, the silent treatment
i've done my mistakes, which makes me feel more than a fool to have done it
but everythin meant n counted i suppose
today there is nothin to go back to, only my walk lonely on a beach
when did we say bye to each other, i don remember anythin now
guess thats y i feel ur inside my head

i feel guilty everytime i look another person other than you
still that feelin is inside me even today
but slowly its fading away n which scares me most
how i was tryin to become a better person wen u wre inside me
today with everythin fadin away like yesterdays dream
the chains kept me in wraps have come off

i know that i would neve walk the same road i use to be walking
that which im clear, the promise i made you
there rest a dark fear inside me that i wud let you down, everyone who looked to me
there was blind trust n hope which i had in you
slippin n silding away, guess its just the part of lettin go
im lettin go off the the love n trust n hope of me becomin better

there is nothin i want to change now
how i feel now is just another drop of tear that you get to see, among other ppl who saw me broken down
today is about to be over, when its tomorrow, it wud be sweet dreams of yesterday
and the day after, the day following, n soon wud seem like far far away
all it meant to was everythin of yesterdays second
and everythin slipped away, nothin much the stain of tears in my hands
time to wash it all away, time to wake up from the dream
back to one day at a time in the life of a lo$t $oul

~ mia ii ~

im still alive. :)

~ mia ~

well not literally.. im almost miles n miles away from technology these days. with so many restriction to access even comment on a blog!! wud anyone believe that.. oh atleast i get to read the blogs :) hehe..

getting really busy with work, outta country and hating it as well. i guess its just completely business.. i mean literally business. things to do, deadlines to meet, reports, updates on trainees'.. wht not. no entertain wht so ever. biggest disappointment of all.. the whole team is married. they are bunch of nice ppl so far, but then again 5 ladies all taken.. pity me lord even lil bit. totally lacking any good lookin ladies here.. i mean literally.. no good looking ladies at al!! completely going insane..

then comes the all time question - "how old are you btw?" - and the comments...

mumbai chick ~ OMG ur younger than ma lil sis... (rollin eyes n big smile)

dark ~ hmmm ur the youngest of al!!

blonde ~ oh jeeeesss

wht can i say.. im too young to mingle ;-) only if it was colombo n i was using ma magic stick to work it like i work it...

ppl need to literally explain to me.. is it written on my forehead or somethin i've gf's more than the fingers they can use to count!?!? i mean come on.. give me break here.. i've slowed drastically over the months..(giving out one yr of my life for love) rest of it, from last yr april/may i think n till this yr right on easter.. n to now.. my luck on woman just dropped!! literally.. sheeez i wish i can wind back couple of yrs n enjoy all the hmmm hmmm... ;-)

well i just wanted to say hi to all the ppl who use to read or stils reads this boredom site.. im still alive but not kickin as i use to be.. :D

take care you'll... once i get back to civilaztion with no security issue assole who think they can control me.. >:)

~ shining ~

you need to be in darkness to know n seek the light
the light comes in many different ways
it sometimes passes by us in an instance that you dont notice
how do u know which light is right one for youi've spent my life so far dwellin in the darkness
seeking my solitude in it and being too comfortable
time was right when i needed to move away from the darkness and towards the light
i did make the move and i thought i was the best thing that happened to me
i dont know wht made the light fade away from my life
but now there has always been a light in my life that never faded
the light i see in your eyes, the light that shines you above others
what makes you more special than anyone else in my life
will it always be there, i will never know
everyday i see it shine brighter than yesterdayit so hard to make you see the light you are
or is ur modesty that is hard n never for me to break through
i can only wish that you would feel your precious and most wanted
i've tried my days to make you feel special
i've tried to make you happy, make you feel the most wanted person in my life
i rarely get the chance to do so and make it for you
even those im always late or never mad it the whole nine yards of the wish
i keep wonderin to myself when wud i ever make it upto you
for all you have been in my life, for all you have done in my days to lighten up
the load you have eased off my shoulder, all the crap i've poured out
everythin you have done for me cannot be done over again by anyone else
you'd always bee special in my heart till my eyes close for the final time
your everythin in my mind when i happen to be smiling
i wish i had more time with you everyday
you've asked me a million time, don i get fed up of you?
how could i ever do that what makes me smile n happy
all i need to do is think about you in my mind and rest of trouble flies away
wonder to myself what wud happen when there is distance between us
i've realised it cannot make us grow apart but make it special
im not the same person who you met the first timehow much has changed is not somethin i can write up
guess a part of me will never change, or how you see me as kid
wud u see me past being younger than you and look at me just as a guy
its just another silly dream of mine out of all the millions
wanted to write you n tell u how much im missing you right now
hope you enjoy reading this, and wud love to see the smile that always comes up
wish you here hun, miss you more than ever,come back soon
i wanna see your smile more than anythin else in world right now
you'd aways be special and only be more the next moment in my life

~ breaking down ~

every story has two sides like of a coin. most of us don look on both sides. some prefer to stick on one side. this in a wy can be better off, but sometimes, when no one knows wht happens actually its easier to jump into conclusion. but we all know there is there always two sides to anythin. recently i've been having a lot of storm. and it just keeps comin n comin without any ending. be it with the love that im tryin to reconcile, be it friendship, be it work. my life revolves around few things, the people im close with, people who are close with me(lately lack thereof), work, and few friends who i hang/talk with. Most who are close to me have ended up taking the wrong pic of me, or maybe they are right n i don see the real picture which they see me as im, maybe thats my originality.

I've always worked hard to get to where am i now. with people, with work. but its all breaking down, comin down like rain, and it dont matter. i've tried my best to keep things in wrap, all i can think n say to myself is wait till the rain is over. but it doesnt seem to stop at al. wish i knew which turn to take, which move to make, what words to say. even though i wud be dejavu, sometimes it makes life a lil easier. so how do i hold up, when i dont know wht im holding up for. everything i've worked for all this while, has broken down to pieces n cant make anythin of it anymore. its decision which i need to make, do i turn back on the road i've walked so far, tryin to keep myself together for someone i really loved n cared about, waiting for her, never doubting her, giving her all the freedom in the world. non of that doesnt even exist anymore.

believes have changed, times have changed, people's mind/thinking have changed. and im still tryin to be the good person. I know im far from it, im nothin of being perfect bf or even a friend. sometimes i dont know, how just a sentence can make a lose eveything u had with them vanish in thin air, how months of waiting to meet you love n tryin ur best to be with her, ends up being not enough work or not enough time for the relationship. how abt the late nights after work that i use to sit up n talk to cos i don get to see u everyday. early mornin wake up calls, which im jus barely gettin some, which i most loved of, when u wanted to hear ma voice. did it all mean anythin how we use to be. does non of that mean anythin to you anymore. for a simple reason i let go of thinkin u'd have a better life without, what ur parents can give, it became my fault, my wrong. i was never thinkin about me, i was always thinking about u. there cant be two dreamers in a relationship.

its breaking me down, how everythin we've been through means nothin, was not enough. u wre on holiday, i wasn't. i had bills to pay, job to keep, things to run. least i thought u'd understand. U never understand me on how i looked at you. you wre too pretty, too cute, too adorable to be with a guy like me. i've always loved the way u wre. i've always appreciated the wy u've looked, n now i never said u look good. im not tellin these to hurt you, i just want u to think back. im trying to hold it together to be the good person, its just breakin me inside to turn to do the wrong, say what i don mean, but just hurt u back. ill never do that purposely. just so u know im down, hurt n lost, i've got no where to go, i cant take no more pain to stand tall. i've become weak as ever. i simply wish u'd understand that. I dont know wht ur goin tru there all by urself. some how i feel i shudnt have let u go, when u wanted to walk away, but now, after u reasoning me to believe i don love u, or i never loved you. i dono wht to say.

nothin means anythin anymore. i feel as if im lost again. my head aint clear, my thoughts become blurry. i've tried to keep focus, but i cant, im losing u, im losing everyone. cant fight no more, got no strength, got no perspective to see things. all im doing is breaking down, pushin ma self destruct harder than ever. time to let go of me darling, i was never there to be with u now ya? u meant a lot, alot more than u though how much u meant to me, just never had the words to tell, cos u'd take me for a regular, kept u on the surprise n dark, guess u walked out when u cudnt take it waiting in the dark, when u wre everythin for me stay sane n be ur man. given up everythin for you, making a day for us, making a life for u n me.. guess it don matter now, cos im no more there for u. breaking down is all im doin right now, u aint here to watch me, u aint here to hold, aint goin to lend out ma hand anymore. back to the animal i was, better for u, better for everyone...u know where to come knocking when u need me, u'd always be my everythin.

"Slip out the back before they know you were there

And at the worst you'll see nobody cares

Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down

Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know

All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control

To the point where everything was going end over end

I'm spinning around in circles again

This is where you come in

All of this to explain to you whyI had to separate myself away from yesterday's life

Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be

But I had to protect you from me

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

I know you felt unprepared

But every single time I was around I just bring you down

And I could tell that it was time to be scared

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

And I know the way I left wasn't fairI didn't want to be around just to bring you down

I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care"

~ brokensouline ends ~

yet again, the souline is broken. there is no life that i see. if most dont get what im saying. its over. curtains closed. the relationship with someone you believed you wud spend ur remaining lifetime with call it quits. couldnt put up with a guy like me. truths exchanged. curtains brought down. im no more the person she thought i was. everythin has to end right. atleast u had it what it takes to call it quits. sensible one in the relationship. n i foolishly beleived i wud have someone good as u in ma life for the rest of ur life. everythin has a reason. maybe i'm payin the price for my sins. well alls well ends well i hope.

thanks to everyone who've been reading, supporting and giving their in love in words for what i write.

take care n love to everyone.

~ look at you ~

everytime i look at myself in the mirror

i saw nothin but a empty shell before i met you

nothin in that life was certain

nothin of it brought real happines

but still i lived it with no purpose

comin to think about what changed my life today

all i can see is you

where did u go when i miss you so much

although it seems like the same i did to do

also feels likes i get what i deserve

i left u in the cold for many days

and i waiting for the summer with you

wish i can turn back time n make it upto you

but all i wanna do is move forward

think about how wud i make it up for you

wishing i'd get every min to spend with you

to make you happy n complete with me

i do not know if im asking for too much

but that is all i ask from you

be with me right now for the rest our time

let me keep you happy

i know i've let u down, never meant to

but i just did happen

wud u be there when i want to make it up

wud u let me be the guy you wanna close ur eyes n dream away

anythin in our days is nothin but if n buts

wish there wud be a day where both of us wud have non of that

have everythin for you and me

hoping for the day to come when you wud be mine

untill time folds for us to be together

i'd just be looking into the mirror

with no one by my side

except for you in my eyes n mind