~ past of my future ~

a man's future is made by the past and the present
been a long time since i felt low to write something heavy
Im writing now cos im not heavy at heart or low in strength to fight but
im goin back to ma roots of writing to start once again where i came from
a true character of a man and the people would be known when a man is at his lowest n darkest
those around him would either lift him up or let him rot
i was someone of no care to others
i lived by my own rule - i have my own problems i don give a f about wht happens around me
then one day storm just swirled into my life out of no where and took over me n changed me

i feared nothing, i had made myself feel there is nothin as feeling or emotion
its nothin other the state of mind at one given point of time
in my solidarity i learnt to control my feelings my emotions
i learned to be self sufficient, to be stronger, to be hard headed, to take what may come by, leave wht may leave
never string onto anythin, nothin in this world is permanent
it was fear of losing someone again made me feel this way
not to let anyone get close to me except make them feel they are close to me
been a selfish arragont self made evil form oneself
i had my own rules and i will not listen to your to ur opinion, cos i have one myself
nothing else matters except for wht i want in my life and i would give up anythin to get that for that moment of time and i would throw it away like trash
been there done that persona which most cant stand and never will

fate didnt leave me alone, it had to make a change in its own time and given my own time
it was matter of time and in a way that i never i would change my life
i've never let anyone get close to me like she did, in fact i did even let her
she just stormed her way through in to ma mind n heart
opened me up to things i've never believed in or i've put a thick wall between myself and everythin else
things were never the same, things will never be the same
everything mattered when it came to her
felt her love by just the words and nothin else
her support when im down and wounding claws when im uproaring
looking back it was ride never to forget, it would be ungrateful if i did

the writing was started cos of you, since the words that came out of my mouth hurt u, i found the words to make you happy in reading how much you mean to me
my day n life was made when it was with you and in the comfort and agony i fell into with you
you made the better of me come out and yet to have my own thoughts in wht i did
you wre the never to judge but many times mistook me of wht i said before
there are times now wish i hadnt said all that i've said to you, but thats whts has made us closer
through our fights and talks and rumblings, rain n sunshine
you have your wy of bringin out a smile wen im down and a make me feel like beating my guts when im morally wrong

there has been never a moment i wish i hadnt met you, i met you and i've become this
i dont know wht i wud be without your part in my life, seems blank or no clue
everythin is owed to you, my good and how you wanted to see me
in your eyes i would always remain a kid, but you wanted to see a man out of that same kid someday
everyday i've never given up tryin to make it upto you, failed miserably, embarrasingly, disastrously
never stopped have i, even till today, you n i might be oceans apart but our conversations still continues
the wy we argue hasnt changed one bit, but the wy we come together hasnt changed either
its only through toil n sweat we have wht we have, it is through hard work whom we are now
i regret not taking the chance of making u stay and me leave
i felt that was the right choice i could make for you at that point of time
but i regret that every moment im not there to help you or get through it in my own wy

to everythin you meant to be between us, no one will ever be
there are things which i wanted you to see beyond your sight
but somethings will never changes like you say
your frame of mind and strength of heart is always which i've looked upto
never will be close to that, maybe its wht makes u special n stand out from the rest

it is endless to say n write about us, mainly about you
but something unsaid are best kept secrets and which remains special in my heart
to which i would always want to have you close in my heart
cos u've made me realise you can do wht ur heart wants to as well..

~ x-mas wish list ~

ok, call me a grown up brat for stil having a wishlist. i don believe in santa, but i believe in friends, hek hek hek. well not really, i've been treating myself n others for christmas, never really gor anythin.. ok this is another wy of telling ppl wht i wud like this christmas. although i don "celebrate" celebrate, just myself n mom at home, nice lunch and thats about it. thts how its been for sometime now. leaving that, here's the list:
1 - game console: doesnt matter PS2/3, x-box, definitely no WII, tht is just tooooo(im lost for words) ahhh sickenin to be called a game console, its like wank exerciser(except without all the pleasures)

2 - tech toys: mainly a graphic tablet(so in need if u want to see ma designs in digital :P), i dont know if i want ipod?!?! a new fone maybe.... xtnal hard drive maybe, WIFI/CDMA card for lappie. thts it for now im just blank.

3 - accessories: hmmm clothes i'd buy, though sl really doesnt have much to my taste. shoes are wy too expensive, im not botherd to cough up 12-15K on a shoe. though i have a major craving for shoes. specially bball, old skool reebok, converse designer. i spend so much time online on nike site designin ma shoes and then "SIGH" and clear it off. they don ship to asia, even if they did, shipping cost is about the same as the shoe.. so rather buy it in sl store. definitely watch is necessary for this christmas. i havent sported a watch for nearly 3-4 years, since i broke ma fav. didnt have the heart to buy another watch. a bracelet is line, im thinkin of going for charm braclet- with various hanging itenaries or chainlink or something else. any suggestion?? i sport a half seashell bracelet and a rubberband on the other wrist. Jeans - a dammm must, the hunt begins!!! more sweat shirts. recently i cant seem to get enough out of sweatshirts.

ok now in the dreamworld wish list

total tech setup - (if any of you guys read this and make it real in your life, please please be kind enough to invite me to your place, so i can kill you n take over the stuff hak hak hak, jus kidding, you make me jealous and the same face BRAD PITT had in the start of the movie MR(S)SMITH, remember the line "... there are times when you wish you could......", heehe)

one dedicated system, dont care HT, Dual core, hell i don care QUAD proccessor, better be good enough and never to cough when i load shit on you. a LCD / Plasma TV to take up the entire wall to fit in and crack into the next room as well. gamin console, nah not really when i have crackhead pc why seperate gaming, ill just fix up ma system to tv, but with console controllers. surround speakers to make your a** feel the vibration when the title of the movie is playin or tht heartstopping race scene in a movie. no need of a seperate music system, just plug it out to all the rooms in the house, more like piped music or split console music selection system(i need music while showering) a big leather couch, hi-speed internet access. thats good enough i suppose

vehicle - if i own a bike, there is no point in buyin what u cant drive legally, i should be able to show off any any given time. rave n race up with the bike. a decent 250 cbr/fireblade/bandit would do. although there are other option. Car - hmm now this better have the muscle when i push the pedal to the floor. im talkin about old school american muscle. Mustang, Hemi, Barracuda are my fav of the old skool. latest of coming of age - ENZO, F50, Cayman S, 911 Turbo, Diablo. thinking about mods - EVO, Lancer, thats it.

ok thats it for now, im goin to get back to real life(borin and sad) for now and forever and live it ssdd. do post up your list.

~ being lo$t / mi$$ing ~

it all started on a late night at office, heavy browsing through some devianart stuff and killin my brain, wud i be able to achieve atleast 1% of the works in there... its just toooo good stuff there. leaving that, suddenly the net bonked off. since im using ma superviosor login(right now we both are in diff location) so sent a mail.. no reply, chased it up the next morning. get a freaking long mail, to put in simple multiple logins are causing his login to access fail to some sites. so he resets the password n im not allowed of it. darn there goes ma least privilage of spending time with some mode of entertainment or amusement. no net means doomsday for me. i was only able to read the comments left by ppl cause it comes to ma office mail(somehow i was smart on that ;P)hehe. well actually ppl wre looking for me.. thts the greatest feeling in sometime.. do ppl actually read ma scribblin n want me more to scribble like this all the borin things...hak hak(ok i copied this from my grlie n now i think im payin the price for it.

LD: she's in sl now, but im not.. too bad you have to wait..

so wth (i wud hav used wtf, but im not in such a pissy mood so im goin with *hell) was i doing all the while.
1. the mouse button is starting to shake lil bit when i even keep ma finger, cause i've pressed it so many times on send/receive button in ma mailbox.
2. never have i felt the length of 10hrs in a day like the days of my last+, tht was so disastrous. you wouldnt believe there was so much of time and to do that no work as well, i've had only 5 calls for the entire day!!
3. with all the free time, which bored the daylight off, went into the habit of sleepin in office. actually the entire last week i was sleepin for nearly a hr or less..
4. drawing all the insane design i can think of, thankfully i have a seperate cabin, but its not covered, ppl outside can see wht im doing. hell with that n went to sleep and do all the drawing
5. admist all this, finally decided to go see ma aunt n the rest. well thts somethin i wouldnt regret at al. its a fairly long trip in the bus, 5Hrs & 2 bus(lucky). it was kinda bumping, i was the only one sitting on my seat, i get tossed into the air n then back on my seat with my rib cage smashin into ma lungs.

the most funniest things is when i landed at ma aunts house at 5 in the mornin, they didnt who had come knockin at this hr in the morning. they didnt recognise me. i was like its me your bro's son!!. well wht can i expect it was tht time in the morning n i didnt even tell them i was comin :D was talkin with ma aunt in the wee hours, all the pleasantries and the all the family blah blah's. i was in no sleep.. my time of sleeping has passed.. ihave to sleep before 4/5 thts it.. other its only after 8 or 9 i'd sleep and get up within a hr.. so slept at abt 8 n then woke up after a hr.. as i put ma jeans to get out, i get the frown look from my aunt n uncle,"u just got home, where are you going?" - "i have to see all the ppl in a day, so ill be back before dinner". snooped out and then headed to ma uncles, then another one, then ma aunt(dad's sis) and then ma cuz place..
lucky timing ma cuz husband was just getting home from work. spend some time with ma niece n nephew, cute buggers.. lil n not so lil as well.. sitting n chatting around. it was time to get home before ma aunt starts blowing sirens. went home, but cudnt resist to stay at home, packed up ma laptop and went to ma uncle's place, ma cus got adsl, and tht guys is insane in downloading. NFL Madden is the only guy i managed to rip from his drive and few other softwares which i didnt manage to get it myself.. cracked version of Media player11 and few other stuff. im a day early for getting NFS Carbon & FIFA 07.. arrrh.. he was downloading which wud take a day or two. so backed back home, nice home made food(sweeeeeeeeetttttt stuff like nothin) i love my aunts cooking more than mom's...

was up untill 2 in the mornin playin NFL n kicked to bed. then it was a boring sunday. well nothin much to do n i was lazin around and copin some of ma niece's pic's n videos who lives in col for ma aunt n them but her player didnt manage to read, had to write them seperatly. had a heavy home made lunch. yummy yellow rice with thick indian chicken curry and fried.. gosh the taste is still in ma tongue. rolled straight to bed. n woke up a hr later time to pack up n leave. and ma other cuz shows up with her lil batta kid, cute.. was talkin to em.. then time to get going, with all the bye bye's..after instructing and WARNING im not goin to carry anythin for my mom or anyone back in sl, everyone sends stuff.. i refused n refused, finally gave up afer the naggin by my aunt. ok this is where the bad part starts - its raining, im wearing low jeans and i dont fold ma jeans, its been raining, so its muddy. i've got tip toe to walk around carryin a bag with heavy stuff n ma laptop. i so so freaking pissed with my aunt n them... im goin to be even more freaking pissed when i give these stuff to me mom n who ever else. i mean there is already stuff which ma uncle brought when he came to see me the week before and this again!?!?! it actually took 7hrs n 3 buses to come back.. and finally went to bed.. cos work during the day. a good weekend with a bad ending.

somehow begining of this week i managed to do some of other work and usual making report templates. breaking ma head with formulas n the wht not. so thts about the tale n boring long hours. somehow i manage to make a routine where ever i go or reside maybe.

well thts enough for now. if anyone has got down to reading this sentence, i'd buy your choc's when im back. not from the local kadee, but from dutyfree.. hehehe

~ mission: impossible ~

its really the above or i think thts how this is goin to be. well its spilt in two ways. im not expert in any, but i do know a thing or two about wht i wanna put. the idea is to make $$$ and have fun, dont say u can have only one of them. how my equations work is, work = $$$ = increase in fun option. but then again, how much of work is it goin to take to make $$$ and will it affect the current fun options? well all things set aside, im determined in making this happen but not sure how.

option1: Coffee house cum Club
daytime it would be a coffee house. not just a coffee house with your regular chill down and laugh n some music. this will be medium for showcasing artwork(no matter wht the medium) of those need of wall space or floorspace or hang up.. just about anything. apart from piped sound, jukebox to do a lil shake shake or kick back n listen to somethin soft of your choice. wifi for those wanna break those minycomposed keyboard in ur lappie. couple of pcs for quick check on mails or blog about the place. magazines on travel, living, fashion & IT, Daily news paper for some of the common. a pool table is must n only one, sign up for a game style, its goin to be a regular 9footer, blue ground and some heavy cues(thts how i like it) or u can bring your cues. floor spacing is fixed(no move around furniture), elevated space for DJ/band(in house & guest DJ's, bands can use the stage to do gig anytime), upstair seating for VIP or day time open to everyone, bar and coffee serving are wud be the same, liquor is only for the club or otherwise display. centeric dance floor(fibre glass flooring), leather couches(goin to be expensive), modern club music with mostly hiphop, r&B being the main, rest is wht goes on the flow. it would be a 20hr hotspot from 10 in the mornin to 6 the following morning. coffee house would be 10 in the mornin to 8 in the night and 8.30 turn it to pub probably band playin or even chill out lounge for with jukebox music, till 12/1/2 depending on the crowd( this is for the weekdays) weekends(friday, sat nigh) coffee house wud be from from 4 - 6 in the morin(sat n sun mornin) and then the normal coffee house 10 - 11, club wud get happenin from 11 - 4/5. sunday nigh usual pub/lounge style. Special nights would be themed. private party servings as well. cover charged not overly priced, F&B to be managed at moderate level for clubs . F&B for coffee house offering most the market standard or customer request. i dont know if you can call this a mini plan or even of that sort. this is just a thought which needs a lot of financial plannin and marketing skills with those in the field of f&b n entertainment. sh*t i shud be a consultant, then i can get this all done, ppl wud buy it, i cant do this on my own.. !!?!?!?!

option2: design production house
this would alot of skilled creative people on different aspects of design. im talking about mainly clothing(branded under the house name or private labels and marketed outside), fashion accessories, graphic(ad for print, corporate or non profit). doing this would be most viable start up option. Clothing, fashion and graphic to be all intrigated into one block of business as it design compliments clothing and fashion and likely around each other. Clothing to be done on individuals design's, team tags, more over personalised clothing under the house brand or as premium nonbranded clothing, same goes for accessories. Accessories would be designed and produced according to requirement. im looking for the newest trendiest design to be punched out. doesnt matter if its sultry or over covered its meant to match the personality and taste of the client. so anything goes by. this would be foundation of business. since there is not alot of sme with binding of the three, hope to catch all of them together. its meant to be base plan thats al. maybe break it down later. No duplicates of other branded accessories or clothin, entirely should be of the house/personalised. Graphic design to be for multi platform serving just about any print/web/interactive medim. would be solely for support for the clothing and accessories designin and marketing tools (ad's n other).

im kinda reluctant to publish this as im writing. it happens to be dreams of mine, can shatter can never come true or might see rich guy do this. but as for all i'd like give this a try, this is somethin i havent seen in sl. its going to be a huge success if i can even get the finance for this kinda project. the second mission is the most viable, as most of us are equipped with the adequate pc power/skills, it would just need about for coming to together with the resouces. dont know how venture capital works in sl. that was the other option i was looking at, but i clearly dont have the entire experience. i've just got the creativity for such a project and vision to see it happen.

so with fingers crossed and hopes on high. choose the mission which thrills you..

this wouldnt self destruct so don wory you can sit on the page n ponder on that n leave you words to be marked.