~ recovery ~

recovery from an addiction is the hardest part of falling out of it. there is no institution to help ma kinds addiction, its within me, brought out by someone special. wouldnt be no other than ma baby boo, one simple question that struck hard on me, we were just friends, but we were single at the time she asked me the question. i've never entertained the idea of having a relationship with her, maybe cos she was never the type of ladies i use to get involved with earlier. but we sticked out as friends for couple of years and now slowly she has somewhat come close to ma heart over the months since she came down n left back to temporary home. since then we have been talkin almost daily just about anything from ice cream to ma pain. she has never complained or stopped listening to ma continous whinning of over the rough patch.

has seen me over the bad boy i've been upto, never sticked with me for that but stood out as a friend and said make ma own decision of what i want to be. appreciated her for understanding that i needed to do things on my own and go to rock bottom and then get up from that. hit the rock bottom and on the bounce back, she just held ma hand tight or noticed something i couldnt stop appreciating her for. her care n love for me. always loved conversation with even though if we think back there would be nothin material, we would talk about world issues, we would talk about what ice cream u wanna have, if she wanna smack me if i'd be in trouble again.

im new to this, never really wondered how long distance relationship worked. but even being friends across ocean is a relationship that i've worked at i guess or its just come with the flow. but we both have a long way to go. im my terms a very long way, since we both are so young and so much to achieve and places to go. everything seems blurred, but only thing for certain at the moment is im happy with her and with her even oceans away from her im willing to wait for her. i've got 6 months to straighten out the me and be the perfect man for her. i've got alot to recover from and stay away from, but with her in ma mind n heart everything seems easy but hard to do. i've giving my try at being her's only as i've promised, failure in this term might be the nature of man, but not for me, with her there cant be mistakes and there shouldnt be secoond chances. she is too precious to be hurt, too sweet to be heart broken, too much of everything for me that i dont know what i'd be without her!

this is a time for me to be happy with what i've been given, having a smile each day i wake up, having when i go to bed. think of her more than i think about anything else. it seems too fast, be nothing in my life has been slow, either good or bad has happened fast, faster than the previous one. so all im hoping is alteast this happiness would last in my life and everything would be ok from now. having to make sacrifices, having to let go of things which i've indulged in, everything for her. i don wannabe just another guy to her, im goin to be the guy for her.

~ conscience vs me ~

this is something that struck me a lil while ago and its been a work in progress in my mind, finally crashing the work aside and putting my thoughts into visible words. to start with my conscience is alive cos of someone. so i guess that would mean it belongs to someone or its someone else's voice that act rule my conscience. to myself being wrong / bad / hated / felt disgusted so on and so forth is easy, but living it right / good / most loved is the hardest way. so far i've been choosing the life on the single behind doors life, choosing myself to be wrong / bad / hated cos i never cared about what others said. even now there is not much of difference when it comes to people whom mean nothing in my life except a face which i have to cross everyday and all they can do is bitch about you or talk ill about you with others cos ur more friendly with them or more close to another. having said all this, i've learnt to be soft, learnt to try to understand someone close to you, try to draw a smile when your with them.

my conscience belongs to someone whom i've done all the writing about. i dont get the logic behind how a woman can be powerful and have the ability to create / destroy a man!! in mine it has happened both ways, she happened to be the one who created the man i'm doing and she has worked alot towards that. all i've done is stuck to her rules n regulation. that was the hardest part for me. but then again understood its all the cause for me so why not give it a try.

having said my conscience belongs to someone then who am i? that would be myself on the outside and the other side aka the past. the present is of conscience, the inside of me, cos i feel guiltiness when i do somethin wrong by my conscience. so i've been acutally brought to light and life by this conscience. the battle between the two has erupted between the two and both have had thier triumphs. when the me has own over the conscience it never quit, never gave way, always said there will be another day to prove u can be right and ur good. its easy to say humans can mistake but that doesnt give the right to make the mistake at the cost of another person's feelings. to me all that mattered was what it wants, to conscience it always meant to make someone else life better or happier.

i've let down my conscience and given way to me in alot of ways that i'm proud about. there was days when i was proud of my wrong doings, not anymore. my conscience have consumed over me and made me feel guilty about the wrong. don't want to make the same mistakes again. its temptation vs resistance n love from a close. thats what i'm most guilt about, having to let down someone who believe in you. never really occured to me how i drew the attention of such a wonderful character in my life. never would want to be away or apart, even then she is my conscience today, tomorrow and next n on. so there is nothing right about what i've done but i can do right the from now. whats done cannot be undone, what matters is what we do today for our tomorrow. people dont take time to give a second chancee but my conscience has given me more than enough of chances and yet i've let her down and yet she at my side to tell me to listen to my conscience. its a long walk for me but with my conscience within me its a walk im willing to take, not an easy path but its something that i need to do.

~ happiness ~

well starting off with another note which someone asked me to write about. tried explaining to the * that whats all around me and everything about that person, but just would not believe it, wants me to write something which makes only me happy.

its just to common and narrow to say what makes me happy, i don't suppose anything that has made me happy is because i wanted to do it, but its because someone asked me to do it and i did it for them and through seeing them being happy i was more over filled with happiness. going to hit the big 21 in a few months time, can't believe to myself what i've been through, yet now i know how to smile, learnt it from someone who i saw go through alot more than what i could go through in a lifetime and yet knows to have a smile whent the world comes down. wonder to myself how she does it? simple, try to live life the simple way then when u fall down from simple things its easy to pick yourself up again and have a go at it another time. tried that a couple of times never really worked for me. always been flamboyant type. so taking the piece of advise as for days to come in ma life, trying to be simple atleast then would i get happiness? so whats made me happy so far, that has kept me going, hmmm for the recent times i can remember, its someone smile. a smile that i fell in love with, the smile which helped me get back on my feet when i fell down so many times. thinking about all that still draws a smile on me. i use to die to see her smile, drive myself crazy to get new ideas to make her smile. that was something i've never done. never would want to replace anyone there. to wht i'm now has alot to do with her smile.

go further back, i was so happy when every material things was from my bling bling which i toiled for. that was so great, to be young, to be earning your cash, being financial independent, showing off that its all yours and not living in ur parents' shoes ;-) that was awesome. more than hapiness i think it has alot to do with pride. to what i was to where i'm now, thats like a turn around no one expected but something i dreamt of. thank god (i don wanna put a name) lucky stars im still alot wack. goin back, hmm when i was jobless, only thing i had to was go to classes couple of days for a week and thats about it. really boring time of my life, but then thts when i got ma own mobile, literally ma own mobile, ma saving baby&^%$#@.. hehe it felt awesome then to be able to buy your own. then i got a job, thats even before turning 18, kinda addition to the pride, use to be doing whatever i wanted and butter up the owner(lady) was alright, but never earned ma hots ;-)

back.. hmm the good old school days!! hehe no, wait up, there was a period when i quit school very early my most ppl std which still knocks the daylight out of some ppl. quiting schooling, only go there to hang out with ma mates and to play bball. always sneaking around the back gate to we can play ball. then i wanted to live alone, shipped myself to india with the help of my mother, i wasnt that bloated(own bling bling) at that time. stayed at one of the hotest city you could possibly be living in. but i was for almost three months, i was way too adrenaline pumped, the guys i stayed with were way older, i was 16 they were like 23 + i think.. wel i was even happy, living all myself, hated having to wash my clothes. then loved the weather and solitude.
going back to school, the entire blog wont be enough to tell about the fun! cut all the obscene, it was awesome hella time, sacked 3 maths tutor, 2 computer tutors, 1 economics tutor, made a tutor cry n fall off the stage. hmm i think ill be sued for this, but then again, i never gave out the names, ma class mates knows the havoc and menace that we were. ooops this is a drag n lots of it.. so laterz im off..

~ unearthen ~

ever felt like you've been buried alive? well thats how i feel right now! buried alive. i know what exactly i've been buried under, but its so hard to unearthen myself. im so tired of waiting for someone to do that, but have realised that this is my life, everything done by myself so why the resurrection to someone else. there have been only a few who took the shovel to unearthen me, but many atimes i've pushed them away or they have got tired, but they never failed to keep trying and believe i will come out of this misery. so this unearthening is to them.

i'm not doing this for me, im doing this for the those believe in me, for those who care about me. need to put a stop to everything. i've gotten this into my head, need to find the way. it's just not about whats within me, its about whats around me. i've adapted to bad company to build around, there is nothing as i cant maneuver myself out of this. nothing is of certain, but its in my head to clean the dirt earth off me. i dont know how i dont know when, but i need to before its too late.

for every start there is an ending, thats life, there was a troubled start, a wrong step in the path im walking, had no reason to turn back or walk out of it untill now i realised there should be no reason to be good. i've always considered myself being the wrong to show the right, but i've gotten tired of it, cos however much u may show people about the right and wrong, the one who shows the wrong happens to be bad one. i want to make it upto those who believe in me. its time that i walk right, it times i think right, its a right start to be right one.

i could never be said i was wrong cos i had my own ways, even if someone harmed me i would know to let it go and not waste my fury over that, but never have i forgotten what the world has done me, it is a lesson not to trust people like you, i've seen it in the eyes of those who have hurt me, and yet i've seen it in the eyes of those who wish to see me good, who have given everything to make me right. knew i was gone astray but when was i wholey wrong. that is something which has taught me to be the whole new me.

resisting temptations is something which we learn over time over experience. i've failed each time i was tested with temptations. the desire burns all over me. somehow i've learnt to resist it in the small way, i would say it as a start for me, but my endurance at this is wearing thin, its my choice, i've had the say the only way to fall out of temptation is to indulge in it, but hope not no more, be strong, divert your temptation to achieving somethin more meaningful, somethin that would make your day better or another tomorrow for u or anyone else.

with this start to walk away from temptations, i've found my new indulgence, divert ma temptation to my art, literature, feelings about my loved ones, anything that would make me feel great of overcoming this earthly body wants.

~ is it somethin about me ~

wonder to myself if i'm the cause of what happens to me, endlessly on the losing streak these few years, nothing goes by the way i want it to happen, even if it happens does happen in the most bizzare and drastic manner, i cant think of a reason why it happens but it just seems to be wrong, is it karma or hmmmm lost for any word an ordinary person would use it to blame on it and move on, ahhh got it now.. fate! would anything change from now on or nothin would matter but hopelessly believe and live carefree that would revolves around hypocrites.

I mean its jus there just about anybody, sadly have to generalize it as the count of that is on the rise, in which sense i mean the people whom unfortunatly happen to be in front of my face. i mean the sickening crowd of grls who happen to gossip behind each other back and again collectively bit** about the own people they hang out with. to what extent should i tolerate this or should i not be bothered at al. it so sickening to watch to this crowd kuchoo kuchoo in the corner when they are suppose to be working and whats even more sicken is that i have to put up with them.

ma immediate reporting guy is no care about anythin that happens if ppl do work or not, doesn't matter if client reoprts goes on time and all the crap. im so stuck in the middle of having to put up all this cos im the 2nd in command, wht do i command? myself, keep ma bloody f****** gap closed! thats somewhat i heard from someone who left to another country recently, only person who kept me sane admist the insanity im going through now. well back to what i wanted to shout, scream, yell out loud, which i have bottling it for too long.. why on earth do people have to be two faced and b**** their own friends or collegues, so disgusting. dont think even the cave species did that. im sure even though they didnt dress as sophisticated us was more well mannered or rather atleast with some humanity or be civilised. these are questions which i cannot put out in public to them, cos i've already lost my reputation and put myself on the wreck when i took it out everything in the boardroom last time in office, feeling bad about making someone break tears and the others were shut quiet about what i had to say. from that day onwards, what bullshit that happend, i've kept it quiet. for the sake of my friend. i so wish she was here to see me go through all this, but there is nothing even she can do, but just smile and ask me forget about everything else and do what i have to.

explain to me how can you have a smile face in front someone that you disgust most? having to look someone do that to you is the worst and terrible mistake i'd be doing. but whe i do question about this my other mentor's and oh almighty wise one's they seem to care less about it or don't at al and give me an simple smile and say thats is how the world is and we who try to change it would not ever succed, its best that we go about in our ways, not to waste time in others obscene indulgence. so i wish to leave the hypocrites aside or rather push them out of my world and go on with those who are true to their heart more than anything else in the world. its my right to have to straight face n say, its ur right to be a hypocrite, dont cross to my side of town, cos ur so not goin to like it when i lose control!

~ whats with looks and grls falling head over heals about them~

hmmm starting with something personal and controversial. not the all time blogger, just when i get sometime off or if i need to put something out of my mind get it to writing, lets call it another way of dealing with rage in ma system. back to the title, i've asked a couple of lady friends the same question and each of them had a different opinion, but im still wondering to myself if that would be the same case if they were faced with the same situation..

here's wht the ladies had to say to me when i shot the question at them..

muffins~ well it has nothin to do with looks, she believes in meeting a guy more than looks and totally wudnt fall head over heels looking over at a goregous, considers that a man has be matured, smart, romantic, understanding and her list seems to be endless, but somehow she has sunk the good looks to almost bottom of the list wandering away if all that can be in one man. well i'm still tryin to make her spill it that looks counts alot when it comes to in terms of making a impression, hmm lets say a spark to ignite the fire. so lost between what she had to say.

baby gurl~ most adorable and cuteness i've come across, she and i have been friends for sometime now, both live almost half way around the world, yet we find time to share our ideas our fights and thoughts. she was on the edge of both, looks doesn score some points but not always, if a person is shallow well nothin works with her at al. looks go way down to the drain. she believes in a man with quality and content than just shiny smile and bright eyes to sweep her off her feet.

ash~ looks are hell no on her list, like the rest of the above she wants a guy with lotsa things which sense in terms of conversation and opiniated thoughts, but wonder to which extent would all this be..

judz~ she had alot to say, we were having a mixed conversation on this, lost some of the points i guess in between. well had to add that looks does give the advantage, something about good looking man, she finds them confident. asked her what that exactly meant, she likes a man who is confident in himself that he is ready for her and would like to take her up for who she is, a hard one to put up with rather you can say (she might kill me for this now). she thinks its gives a head start to conspire a relationship or somethin like a jump start, but she says looks always fade away and the reality strikes her hard with something she doesnt like in a man, like a shallow personality or someone is argumentative over a simple opinion. needs a man who wud have a opinion and would also respect her opinion.

harsh~ well she happens to be like a big sis who my mother should have given birth to and had to give me all the spankin ma mom missed out on. literal sense she can cause tantrum in my mind more than in real, always have to be against, for some odd reason she happens to be right at the end, wonder sometimes why they call n search for miss right. i know she is more opiniated than anyone else i've met. knows all the secret about me, but never judged me, now hasnt got the time to give me an opinion. thinks im a kid off the path.. so till i hear from her this is goin to be blank" "

andiz~ Good looks matter but it's not the most important thing. it's a guys personality and confidence that counts the most. there’s no point if a guy is good looking and is a complete jerk!
But if he does have good looks plus a good personality then that's a totally different story, but this combination is the most impossible to find!I think what girls really look for is a guy who would completely and totally love her for who she really is and who wouldn't change a thing for anything or anyone in the world, a guy who would be there no matter what, a guy that makes her laugh when she's down and a guy who is romantic, sensitive and not afraid to show it!

well finally i get to say wht i want to say.... i simpy think its nothin as a whole, each one has a different opinion and thought towards it and how they would react to somethin like this. but somehow truth bites in the hard way and it does hurt. there is nothin tht i can say other to go out and explore more of the world and laugh at somethin like this...

~ spine chiller ~