I
wish I hadn't gotten so close to you like I did.
Although
I never told you or showed you how much I would miss you when you were not
around.
I
need to find a new beginning, for a new beginning I need to kill this me.
There
is no room for mental blocking. No more putting emotions in blocks.
My
mind can only take so much.
Sometimes
there is fight between too many of me, ripping out each other.
I'm
torn between, the side that wants to drop everything and get on my knees for
you.
The
other that says’s, to fuck it all, end everything.
The
other that say's, time will heal everything.
The
other, you deserve this with sinister laugh.
There
is only one thing that is keeping me holding onto the last strain of thread
between us.
If I
let that go, I’m afraid, there won’t be me anymore, all that you've tried would
be of vain.
I can’t
remember the last time I heard your voice, but it still echoes in mind,
The
laugh the ripples through you when I tickle you,
The
silent hisses, those starring eyes, those never resting fingers,
Everything
is far damn too etched not in memory, but in me.
I
remember you every time I’m in the shower,
When I
wear the shirt you like the most,
Whenever
I take a pic of me,
When I
listen to the songs you wanted me to listen to,
Watching
a TV series you got me hooked on,
That
familiar perfume smell on anyone else.
I
remember you, when I pass by the now closed coffee shop,
Where
it use to be a hide out just for a few mins with you
How
much I wanted you to stay back with me when you wanted to leave each time.
There
is so much I wish I had told you, but instead I chose my silence.
Not
even when you asked me what I want, but did you wait for me to answer.
We saw
the same thing with two different perspectives.
You don’t
know what I would give to turn back the time.
This time
for real, not just in hopeful wishing, but in its true meaning.
I wrote
something the below when I was only passing by the closed coffee shop, my
fingers began on its own, typing away on the phone -
“I keep passing by the road I used to
take, the same road I have to take to come to see you. High in anxiety,
thinking what you going to wear, hoping you won't be late which brings a demon
out of me, if you're going to give me that coy sexy smile of yours when you see
me. The thought of holding your hands and not saying a word, looking into your
eyes, feeling soft palms, you trying to pull them away cause of how much you
sweat and I would still want to hold your hand ever so tightly and give in, how
you bite your lower lip and look away teasingly, how you try to run your
fingers on my shirt, trying to taking off a button, waiting for me to dare you
to do try it and I don't let you take it off. I remember you in ways you would
have never imagined. At times I think I'm a fool. A fool who was madly deep in
love with inside but never showed you; maybe that's why they say action speaks
louder than words. It was always words with us, we talked about life,
photography, porno, suicide, love, past, future, dreams, sex, color of nail
polish, lingerie, parents, obligations, work, endless list of things. You said
you love me; I'm a fool who couldn't comprehend that. You didn't even want a
reply, unconditionally you did love me, but what was I waiting for? I could
never tell you my feelings; it’s like in a cage, where there is deep scars and
emotional damages. My mind forms a cocoon at each emotional scar, blocking it
out so I would never be felt that hurt or disappointment. You should have come
way before in my life, a time which I was a lot more carefree and wild. Yes but
then you wouldn't have met or talked. When all your emotions are blocked out in
a cocoon, there is only a memory of that emotion in your mind and sometimes
there is only so much my mind is capable to holding onto. The memories it holds
are all that's left inside it. The memory of who I was once, who I was with
once, everything is just a memory now. What will I be today without those
memory? Now you've become that memory, that cocoon I need to have once again,
this time not out of hurt but to preserve that memory of you. We may never
meet, wish that you wouldn't see me walking by with another woman in your life;
I know what that would do to us. What I began to write a line has become more
than just now. Every passing building has a suppressed memory about the
conversations I've had with you in my mind when I'm on the way to meet you.”
I miss you too much. More than you’d
ever know.
