~ the lo$t $oul ~

~ MMXII ~

2012-01-06T18:43:00.002+05:30

I want this year to count. I've spend about the whole of last and my existence so far lounging I would say. Why this sudden guilt feeling you may ask! Enough of being a doormat or step stone for somebody else. So I've decided this year -

Starting Writing more, at least one paragraph for a day (Day 6 - still not even one)

Save! - Not starve and save, but cut down on mac, expensive restaurants, clubbing & drinking.

Lose some weight, having told your cholesterol is above limit and given the family medical history, take a early warning.

Travel - See another country or take a holiday other than India, I haven't fully seen India either, but saying enough of aunts pampering food which makes you put on so much :) (all depends on savings)

Find a job that you love - enough having worked for corporate that foots your expensive lifestyle, you need to start thinking of a career or even a job that you like to do and not resent it every morning you wake up.

If by Dec 31st 2012 I have managed to do at least 3 of the above then this has been a good year for me!

~ back ~

2011-12-31T18:58:00.002+05:30

I'm back just in time for the partying and celebrations!

Wishing everyone a brand New Year with lots of health, wealth, love and smiles!

Have fun everyone!

~ end of 2K11 ~

2011-12-06T00:19:00.000+05:30

So its almost the year end, my last week at work - I wont be seeing the desk or lack thereof in office until the 3rd of January in 2K12, starting this Friday. That being said, i need to decide if i should take a holiday (by that i mean to India) the one and only place i can afford on quick blink of eye, spur of the moment place to hop over to relax, or maybe not sometimes. This time I've got 3 weeks off, thinking what am i going to do there for that long! since i'm going to be alone and nothing interesting to do! so that leaves me with a dilemma of going or not! with the ticket prices going up everyday, i might have to settle for Sri Lankan airlines.

Enough about my mundane, how has people been? I don't write anymore, but i see a lot of people have dropped the post rate as well. Is life too busy for everyone or its boring like how it is for me. Nothing excites me anymore, why does everything feel like I've lived eons over it? I don't write anymore, even pen and paper doesn't give me inspiration anymore, all i can come up with is broken love. So I've actually given up on writing too.

I couldn't even write this on one stretch!

Year has been good, bad, couldn't get any worse (well i wouldn't count on that)..but i'm still here.

So to everyone! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! this might the last post for the year!

~ adios ~

2011-08-27T07:44:00.001+05:30

Bags are packed and ready to leave, I'm making the annual trip once again! Hope I don't fall sick like the last time!

Have a good weekend peeps!

~ me back ~

2011-08-23T23:41:00.000+05:30

Oh well not really, just popping in to say, I've been neglecting this blog for far too long. There has been nothing interesting to post or rather even mutter! This place used to be my personal space for venting everything i wanted to say with no hold backs. But of late, or rather for sometime, I've known to confine inside my mind. Some say it's not really advisable, but there is only so much my head can hold too. Enough of my rant. Working for corporate really sucks, but i still need that paycheck, I wonder if it had spoiled me and the luxury has me by the ~~balls~~, that I cant seem to get out of it!

So how has everyone else been? I do still read you people, from the comments i leave you should have known i'm around.

Until next time, with anything or if anything at all to say! :)

Keep it real

~ bored me ~

2011-05-02T22:36:00.000+05:30

Hello there bloggers, how has everyone been? Sorry that I have vanished from this sphere for sometime, haven't been able to pen anything down lately. My fingers wont work on the keyboard to do any writing either. Don't think I'm having writers block, or that phase everyone goes through, but, its cause my fingers have been busy on this little piece of techy toy - BlackBerry Torch. Oh yes, got it as gift (lucky me). Had to do a lot waiting for this piece, was testing my patience big time, finally when it arrived, it seemed worth the wait.

But me playing with that has nothing to do with me not writing what I usually writing about, sometimes mundane things, a rant here and there, a few tagged post. I really want to write something that would make me want to read it all over again without having to skip any lines. How do I do that?

Other than this, I really don't have much going on I could share with you guys I guess, but how has the blogging world been going? I see a new trend going - 30 days of movies or poetry, songs not sure!

Somebody please suggest a new hobby for me before I die of boredom!

~ short story 2 ~

2011-03-11T12:32:00.000+05:30

The evening skyline resembled coming of apocalypse, the city below his feet only resembled that everything was below him for once in his life. Is it the beginning of the things to come or the end of everything that he has been through. He felt droplets of rain smashing against his dark skin sinking with the darkness. The droplets keep rushing towards him in numbers. He ran his fingers through his thick black hair, throwing it back, as he looks over the edge. He felt his hair was setting to become heavy for him to throw back with each passing seconds, but inside him, he was carrying heavier thoughts. With a deep sigh, he took another step forward towards the edge, towards a meaning to an end or a beginning. He could barely make out a faint call from behind him, with the rain growing wilder; the sound of rain drops against the concrete flooring was making it even harder. He sighed and took a look over his left shoulder; a faint figure is all that he could see in this darkness, a overhead light was flickering. He could not say out by name that it might be, taking another step towards the edge, he let out another sigh; he could hear a loud muffled cry for him.

The sound of his hear beat was growing louder in his ears, flashes of images kept racing before his eyes, or so he thought, his mind was playing tricks on him. Everything around didn’t make any sense to him, slowly, he was feeling as though the lights were going out on him, almost to a deep darkness, emptiness like never before, the sound of his heart beat almost fading away to nothing, complete stand still. The deafening sound made him feel as though he’s been pulled through a vast vacuum of nothing. He starting to question his conscious, if there was nothing called that right now, with everything that has happened to him in the past few minutes. He felt a sudden rush through his body, his mind raced even faster, as though throw a tunnel waiting to jolt out in high speed. The light coming back and the darkness fading behind him, a sudden shock through his body, he could hear his racing heart beat all over again, just when he was starting to only try to make sense of the blackness he’s been though.

With a loud beating in rhythm, he was starting to hear muffled screams, electronic beeps, he was feeling a rush all through his body, with a sudden jerk his torso rose from the flat bed, he opened his eyes in pain, gasping for air, breathing heaving, his body heaving up and down relentlessly for a few minutes, until he catches his breath to a normal pace. His eyes looked around for where he was. The rush in his body slowly subdued.

His fingers slowly grazing over her palm, roaming aimlessly across, which usually draws a smile across her face, he’d give anything to see that of hers, she’s got one of those soft smile, eyes glowing, everything else doesn’t mean anymore breath taking smile. She was running her fingers through his across; he was lying down on her lap. They would usually spend the evening together like this, nothing fancy, just the both of them at her place, in her little garden at the back of the house, on the swing, till the sun fades away from the horizon. He would make it a point to come spend time with her, let her smile steal his heart away; he wished he could give her everything, him in all. He saw love in her eyes, a love which he can only give in words for now.

His marriage has been on the rocks for some time now; his wife has become overly obsessive over him. He found the serenity of love in her, he is not the poster man of the year perfect reputation right now, but he’s tried so hard. It’s been years since he’s had a decent, laid back conversation with his wife. The hours that his wife and work steals from him, he gets them back in minutes when he is with her. He has been running away from his work and his wife for past few months with her, his excuse to officer would be he has some family issues, excuse to his wife would be client meetings out of office and he had no other choice or way to be with her.

He felt his blackberry vibrate inside his right pocket; it would only be his wife who is calling at this hour, he was about begin his curse, until he felt her fingers slowly going through his hair, almost like calming him, he sank in the moment, but the vibration continued. He managed to get himself up from the swing, sitting up straight, he took out his blackberry, it was confirmed that his wife was calling him. He answered with a neutral tone, “anything urgent?” she only manages in her usual not so soft voice, “what time are you coming home?”He was surprised at the tone of her voice, he continued “I’m not sure, still in a meeting” and he ran his hand over her thigh. “Come home soon, we need to talk, you can postpone your meeting” and line went dead after that. He could only wonder his surprise last only a second and she was back to herself.

He slipped his blackberry back to his pocket, with a sigh he rose from the swing, her hand immediately raced to hold his, pulling him, with her eyes questioning, lips almost murmuring, “do you have to leave?”

She held his hand pulling him back from getting up from the couch, “do you really have to go?” he turned round to say “no”, but his lips raced, “yes she is waiting for me”. Her fingers fell away from his hand; he heart felt so away from him. She knew she wasn’t supposed to feel for him, but she couldn’t stop herself falling for him. Her mind repeating “she shouldn't fall for him, she shouldn’t feel anything for him” but she was against herself on this one, as though there was two of her inside her. She sank back to the couch, sipping away her cappuccino, almost aimlessly starring at the large framed photograph on the wall, of a couple, looking into each other eyes, his arm around her waist, just like how Adam would hold her when she stood that close to him.

Melani’s mind was reeling away into thoughts of the time with Adam, she was his, but not anymore, she would beat herself inside her, every day and every minute for saying for saying nothing to him when he wanted to marry her. Her relationship with men has always never ended on a good note, but then when does relationships end on a good note she thought and at first he was just her quarter life crisis rebound. He was not everything she wanted out of her complex perception of HER perfect man, but he had his ways with his women. He was starting to grow on her skin, which was starting to make her throw panic button – ignoring his late night calls bluntly, not wanting to do Saturday ice cream meeting, or just sip coffee and let her rant out. He was starting to become of all the signs she was either interested in someone else or she was not ready for him. He doesn't stand to be ignored or even second to anyone or anything, with her he learnt patience. She wanted him to be just casual, but everything that has happened, it was starting to become more than just casual. Adam wouldn't ever know if she wanted more, but now all that doesn’t matter anymore.

~ short stories ~

2011-02-25T12:54:00.000+05:30

The cold bench was sending a stinging sensation through her body, the evening breezing wasn’t helping much either, making her feel more nervous and uncomfortable of having to sit all by herself in this late evening. The large tree behind was her concave for their escapades for the few times they have been here. Her mind was racing as why he wanted to see her all of a sudden, in this hour of the day. Why this rush inside her body, she couldn't fathom, brushing her mind off with all the questions inside her.

She felt a touch on her left shoulder, a warm known grip, she instantly swung around sprung herself from the bench and her eyes met his, words none spoken yet. She saw another shadow, as though someone behind him, her eyes confirmed it was someone else beside him. It threw her back, like a punch in her gut, how this could be happening to her, after all she has been through. She had thought the ghost was never to be seen ever again, but yet there it was right in front of her, alongside her happiness, the reason why she is even alive today. She could not know this was the reason he wanted to see her, this was the reason for the rush at this late hour, all her answers were answered, but she was not ready for it. Not for this one. This was not a scenario she had in her mind.

Waking up to the loud noise, which she knew was coming from the ground floor. Her first and instant reaction was a curse, why her man was not beside her, why did he have to be away from her, tonight of all nights. As she tried to get herself up from the bed, she couldn’t move her limbs, her mind was pushing signals to her muscles to move, but nothing was happening. Her eyes started to fill with tears, soft moans was escaping her lips, she knew not to her cry, but she was feeling entirely lost and purposeless, she could not even wipe away the tears from her eyes, as she was laying still on the bed, her tears started to flow down the sides. She cursed the gods, whom she had been so devoted to her all her life, right from her childhood memories as she could remember, going to the cathedral close to her home, which looked giant to her for the first time when she stepped on the small pebble stoned steps leading to a large open wooden door, holding her daddy’s hand, tight, in her pretty white frock with ribbons. Why did they decide put her through this, she has not done any harm to another human being, her mind was screaming loud as possible, yet the room was in silence.
Her mind started to wonder, what that sound could have been, all sorts of possibilities were running through her mind, the worse ones was on top of the list and was coming back into her mind as she tried to brush them away with the thoughts of her love.

The ray of light going across her face was slowly bringing her out of her slumber. Her mind ran through a long list of things which were penned as routine, until today. Today she had none of that routine life anymore, she had the days ahead all to herself, which instantly brought a smile across, as she stretched herself lazily in the large bed, and yet she could not reach the foot rest, the sheet sprawling on her, almost or barely even covering her essentials. She reached out for her blackberry, there were no notifications lights blinking away, which on any other day would show a screen filled with notifications of new mails and text messages demanding her attention. She sprung her upper body up, sitting up on the bed, she was looking at herself on the ceiling to floor mirror on the right hand side of her bed which is in the dead centre of the room, with a large fan over head still hovering in full speed. She manages to get herself out of bed in all laziness and walk downstairs to the kitchen to make her a hot cup of coffee, though she never liked it hot. Leaving the water to boil, she was never the instant coffee person, she liked coffee pure brewed. Walking over the sitting space of the house, her hand involuntarily goes to up the remote resting on the glass coffee table right in front of the leather couch which she picked up last year before all this. Her fingers rubbing on the track pad of her mac, her screen comes to life, wondering if her life might be dull with a plain and clutter free desktop with just the minimum of icons, with a new mail notification.

She had a question, should she read the mail, the dead silent space was now filled with the news channel showing the latest happenings across the world, she could not bother to pay attention to the voice on the television. The voice in her head was asking to read, but another asking her not to, both was growing louder with each passing second. Her fingers rushed to the tap on the notification, which sprang up her inbox, with a name she dreaded to see in her inbox, but her rush was slowed, seeing there was no subject, could this mean anything at all? There was always something in the subject, but not today, why not?, was her question now.

Feeling the evening cold air rush across her face, more like she was racing through it, she could almost taste the bitter sea spray from the blue ocean on her left, she took her eyes off the road for a second to catch a glimpse of the sunset, sending her mind in rewind. Her eyes setting back on the long stretch of wavy road ahead, a soft smile draws across her face, sending her mind in spiral of thoughts back to the time when she came to the city for the first time in her life, when she was young naïve, and free spirited. She wanted so much back then, she questions herself now if she actually wanted all those wishes to be just wishes or not. Everything had been a lesson in her life, everything little experience, every person she had come across. Her parting from the city has been a humble one, but not her entrance. She came from a town few towns away from the city that never sleeps; she experienced it, after reading about in magazines in her teenage years. Everything about a city fascinated her – skinny girls, glamorous movie stars, the social elite, the bad boys, the movers, the shakers and she wanted her name etched somewhere along with them.

Leaving her town at the very young age of 19, not a run away, she loved her family too much for that, her over protective old brother, a younger street smart brother and little baby sitter who looked up to her and wanted to grow up just like her. She wanted to be famous, she never had the survival chance coming from a small town, but her passion and will was more than enough. She wanted to be the face of world famous brands, her silhouette on billboards, walk the ramp for the most outrageous stylist and designers, party all night long till your heels come off, be on the A list. Her senses coming back to reality, when she heard a loud bang against her Bentley Continental, bringing the car to a screeching soft after half a spin. She tried to catch her breath, hesitantly looking over her right shoulder; she could not make out what she might have knocked over.

She walked up to him with another glass of his favorite poison and one in her hand for her, wine, just enough to make her tipsy yet enough to be in her sense still so the night doesn't run for too long or in the most of awkward or a mockery of herself. She took a deep breath before stepping closer to him; she was facing his large broad back, which she admired, one of the things about him. Leaning against the half wall on the balcony, standing on tip toe, she leaned towards him, reaching up to his ear to whisper, “What’s on your mind?” with soft peck on his neck. Getting back on her feet, she hands him his poison for the night, just the first round yet. His response to her was half a smile and peck on her cheek, his lips began “thanks for having me over”, she stopped him half way with her finger on his lips. She didn't need his thanks; she knew he has been going through something difficult all by himself and when her phone screen lit up with his name as the caller, her fingers raced to answer his call. Tonight she could not even get him to smile, when all she can remember his bright and child like smile.
She reached for his cheeks with her soft small fingers, lips just whispering, “Whatever it is, let it go, before it eats you out and takes you away from me, it’s not worth it” her eyes almost going sad watching him like this. She inched closer, “don’t I even deserve that smile of yours?”

He held the little fingers in his for the first time; he felt a new rush, his blood almost rushing against his skin. He never thought he would be in this position, but today after this, anything seemed possible, he was father to this is child. The mother was next to the new born baby, she was not even willing to look at him. She wanted to scream out loud asking him to get away from both of them, but she couldn't, if it was any other day, any other circumstance, she would have never hesitated to hold her tongue. She tried to help herself to sit up, he body was so sore that she couldn't move herself, he reached out to help out of almost gag reflex, and her fingers almost tighten her grip around on his arm, she couldn't fight him today, her body giving away and having someone she despises to aid her at this time, was not what she had in mind.

She felt a sudden emptiness in her life, her room didn't have any flowers and there was no one else other than him, the baby, and her. She never played it in her mind like this; she wondered if all the fights with him were worth all this, the fight for him has left her with almost nothing.

~ untitled ~

2010-12-29T03:08:00.009+05:30

He was crouching on his knees on the roof top of an old abandoned building right across was the hotel which has stood through time and has seen its share of the most unfortunate things in the world, tonight would be no different. Looking through the scope of the finest piece of metal molded into shape and dynamics to hold fine tuned silver bullets, made for only one purpose, kill. His unusually unstable cross hair was roaming to find the intended target, 4^th floor and 3rd room from his right corner. That’s that the note said, he took out the piece of paper in his pocket, taking his eyes away from the scope, he read it once again, wanted to make sure, he was there at right time, right place and had the right person, all the right details. Just then, he left a droplet of water thud on the paper he was holding, he thought, “does it have to rain now”. The ink on the paper was looking a smudged now. He tried to rub off the water on the paper by his gloved fingers. He had to remind himself, this was not his 1^st, somehow, this job felt odd, something didn’t add up. Details were too precise. He was also told that there will no change in any of the details mentioned in the paper and the source that brought this was his most reliable contractor.

A slight hint ran through his mind, he knew this building; he had been in it, long years ago. He had been here, in his early teens, walking home, past the same building. When one day he saw someone looking through the window, it was a cold, she was leaning out of her balcony and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She had the brightest red lipstick on her, hair well done; she had a cigarette between her fingers, took a last pull before she turned out and closed the window. Her face stood clear in his mind, until today. The whole week, he would pass the same building every single day on the way back from school, but he never saw her after that. A week later, he saw her again, she looked nothing like how she was the 1^st time he saw her. He could still remember her to detail, even when standing a good 4 storey below her window, her makeup had be awful, hair was messed, she had a black eye, lipstick all over her cheeks. He could make out she had been crying, her long deep breaths, as the cigarette in between her fingers were close to burning her skin. He always had an eye for detail. He didn’t even know who it was, something inside him, made him cry out “you’re going to burn your fingers lady”. The sudden voice made her jolt and drops the cigarette; he walked by without leaving a trace of his presence. Up to day, he’s one of the best at this, he leaves no trace. He wondered to himself, if he was actually born to do this or was he trained to do this.

Too many questions were arising in this head. He ran his fingers over his bald head, polished as he could remember for the last few years; he had been keeping it this way. He was now in his late 20’s. He has forgotten the last time someone remembered his birthday, to wish him, to kiss him, to hold him close. He was wondering, why is all these questions coming up now, why was he feeling this way. He shook his head and got his eye and attention back on the scope, waiting for his target. Coincidently, it was the same window he had seen the lady when he was a teenager walking by the same street. He was looking through the scope for his target, still nothing; he still had time for the hit to happen. He was growing impatient by the seconds passing. He was wondering what was happening to him, he had never felt this way, “fuck” he said to himself, “get your head straight man, you want to get through this and live to see her don’t you?”. He glanced at his watch, pitch black wrist strap, white dial, one from the many of the same kind. He liked his suit black, silk, pressed clean and crisp, two button jacket, flat pants and black belt with nothing fancy on it.

Suddenly the light in the room came on, he got back to the scope, his mind was wondering to his teenage years, when he was care free, when all he had to do was study, but all that education didn’t help his choice of career, he had to pick the non-conventional venue, the path less travelled. He was good at this, he didn’t know if he had been different, if he hadn’t shot for the 1^st time in his life, right after that he saw the lady with red lipstick and cigarette in a state he shouldn’t have seen anyone in. he got his attention back through the scope, his target was on sight, but the instruction said clearly, he was to be shot exactly at 9p.m sharp. He would receive a call on his personal mobile and he would walk close to the window, that is when he is suppose to be taken out. He had been studying the area for a couple of days looking for anything out of the ordinary, since this was an abandoned building he was using, he had to make sure he didn’t have any unexpected visitors. He had barred the main stair case entrance to the rooftop after he made it with wood, made sure his exist strategy was in place, the fire escape was steady and not too old for his stunts, the alley way was not used by anyone. He studied the place well, drafted everything to precise detail. The clock was ticking close to the time, he steadied his arms, closer to the gun, finger slowly sliding to the trigger, voice inside his head “easy boy, you’ve done this before, easy now” he left the rush getting to his head, he hasn’t felt this rush since his 1^st untrained kill.

He could make out a shadow making it towards the window, target was in sight, checked his watch, it had struck 9, sharp. He firmed his grip on the gun; his fingers went to squeeze the trigger, the hammer pulled back, had the target in this sight, gentle squeeze once again. A second later, he heard scream from the room, his eye stood firm on the scope, looking to confirm if he had hit. A took more than few seconds to actually come back to reality. The scream was very familiar, it was deafening and he was in a state of awe. He had heard this faint voice before, he couldn’t put it where. He got back to the scope to confirm the hit, closing his eyes, he drew a long breath. He needed to be far away as possible. He packed his equipment, made it to the alley by the fire escape with much less attention seeking stunts and to his car, driving away from the scene. Running his bare hands his face, wiping the sweat in some discomfort, speeding away in this beast of a machine. But the scream kept playing in his head over and over again. Made it through the free way, a few minutes later, he was at another warehouse like building in a deserted industrial space.

Driving through the automated rolling doors, switching off the engine, putting the beast to rest, he was still sitting in the car with this head rested, with his mind wondering about the voice. It took more than a few good vibrations to realize his phone in his left jacket pocket was going off. He reached for the phone; he looked at the displayed, “Unknown caller”, with a sigh he picked up, “yes”, he distorted voice on the other end , “job is complicated, package will be wired as communicated, although there might be a little complication, a loose end. Not sure yet”. He cut in between, “what loose end?”, he got a reply - “there might have been a witness”. “Damn”, he thought, “the voice he heard wasn’t one of those voices inside his head”. “We’ll be in touch in case we need your service again”. The line went blank. He slipped the phone back into jacket pocket, he got out of the car, picking up his package, custom built precise killing tool. Heading off to shower, stripping off his clothes, he felt heavy, disturbed like never before, unable to make of what was bothering him, he stopped for a drink, pouring a larger quantity than his usual, sipping it, walking to the shower, drowning the inside of his body with the scotch, the outside with the warm water gushing from the shower. The voice keeps playing in his head over and over again, it keeps getting louder.

Please help me with a title for.. :) finally a post worthy enough that i would even read..

Compliments of the season, all the best for the new year bloggers.. :)

~ lame ~

2010-12-01T01:40:00.000+05:30

The last post i wrote was in september, lame i know. I have managed to neglect this blog for various reasons, to a name a few - haven't been able to write anything creative, been brushing up on my photoshop skills, working on a website that i cud use to launch for freelance portfolio (not that i've worked on any commercial projects) and have been spending alot of time designing. Have been designing dresses for a request and thought i'd post some to get the ladies words on my lame designs, which was actually liked. Need to learn more about drawing figures digitally. So here's a few that i kinda liked / thought wud pass.

I'm still learning to apply patterns and stuff, still in the learning the rope stages. Most of my previous designs have always been on a paper, which went to trash bin (digital / real). So thought i'd keep these just in case someone wanted to see what i can do. This is not the 1st time i'm designing dresses, but this would be 1st time i'm showing to larger audience, and strangers i would say, these are not the best, so go easy on me.

How has everyone been? busy making tht x'mas list?

~ facial hair ~

2010-09-28T00:53:00.001+05:30

or in other words, beard.. :) see i've been sporting this for a long time, but quite not long as the one i've gotten myself with at the moment, its rather bushy.. i wud say. It seems like everyones problem these day. What ticked me off last night was, we were messing around in office (since it was poya, yes i work on poya days, all who sit their lazy bums on local calendar can shut it!!), we were trying out temporary coloring, and one guy got creative with it, colored up my mustache along a thick line down to the beard as well.. :) it was ... imagine a dark Hulk Hogan.. :) i was walking around in office, looking like this, with all the grls giggling away and almost rofl, but it was poya n i was in a sporty mood.

Coming home with it was the worse part, mom was in a complete fit that I've been sporting something that points to another religion (dont want to get in her words) and what the hell is the coloring? I don like being told what im suppose to do, and just coming back from office(which is another trauma for me everyday, not the like Angel's one, but... you get) and she letting it off, asked to zip it (not in the same words).

She has always wanted me to bind to social norms, and i for one, never grew up that way. Lately its not only my mother who is expecting me to be a certain standard... :) so i've asked a few, what they thought about my facial hair, its merely just hair to me, something i've been lazy or just wanted to brew something out of the ordinary.

So here i'm killing the cat, what do you'll think...? does my hair n beard go off, shud it stay? i think some of you might have noticed...bad afro.. long beard, hard to miss :D

~ rewind and relapse ~

2010-09-13T11:23:00.000+05:30

~ 25 to life ~

2010-08-12T11:31:00.000+05:30

I had to steal that title from Eminem, my bad.

But the story is i turned quarter century last weekend. it was hella drama weeks around that corner, but just that weekend, nothing happened. NOTHING. apart from the wall post on fb and a few text msgs. so i decided what the hell, worked harder on nailing the logo i've been going at for months, bingo i did summon the omen in me to come out with it.. :)

Something came out of the not-at-all-happening birthday weekend [by weekend i emphasize i have the friday n saturday as b'day :-P]

Launched 85 Clothing. nailed the brand name, logo. couldnt wait to get my Tshirt done. got it done on one of my b'day's. :) wait for the site of 85 Clothing [nothing mind blowing] on how to get in touch and design that you might want to get done on your next tshirt. business is purely on personalised clothing. Only ONE piece clothing, meaning, only you'd have that designed, it would not be printed for anyone else. so let go of worrying having to wonder if you'd see someone else wear the same thing at office, party.. :)

But there seems to be catch, i wud have to come out of anonymity i think, sucks but then wth...

*raises imaginary glass, to 85 CLOTHING*

So anyone looking to have personalised tshirt... ;-)

Hows everyone's week going..?

~ hikka II ~

2010-08-03T00:03:00.000+05:30

so the following is more explainatory to this as someone wondered why it was left mysterious. :)

I've been wanting to just rush out of colombo cause it has been reminding me of the same thing over and over again, which i wanted a break from. haven't been out of the city in a long time and i've been just mad about it. so the whole haahhoo about hikka fest, everything being underplayed this year. thought i'd just jump out since im not going to get any other excuse to run away from city.

The week has been a real rollercoaster at office, well there was no tumbling or turning on my part, cause i was sitting through meetings (finger pointings / management rants / pms releases of bosses / lack of attention from wife's / BF's) on me with a straight face. i walked out with much surprise, even to myself that i didnt lose my temper. collected my thoughts, made my decision, if ppl are so ungreatful for what you've contributed to it simply not my worthwhile, cause this is not my field and im not planning a career in the company nor this field. I was doing something i was good at and i was recruited back cause they needed a jump start on few things. I said hell with it and decided on what i wanted to put out on the table, everything, with no names, but my account manager knows to put 1 and 2 together, there wre not much ppl calling shots in this or fingers put in, told him i want out of account or i walk out of the company.

This was followed with another round with account manager, which he took the other one's side, so managed to do the same thing, sat through, breathin under my skin. Walked into his office after that, told him it aint going to work. Handed in the letter today. Sometimes my stubborness just gets the best of me, I'm my own prisoner. But it had to be done, i wasn't going to be someone else's shoe polish.. :)

So back to being unemployed. well not exactly, i have two months notice period to serve. will have a desk at work till then. want this to pass asap, so i could get this out of the way, clear my head out. Have to seriously think about i want to get on with my life. enough mistakes. enough wishing for 2nd chances.

Hopped on a bus, got to hikka, had a few friends waiting for me there. put on my beach shorts, opened up the bottle..and rest of it zipped, thrown away.

Somehow i see hikka like SIN CITY, where anything and everything goes with no slap on the wrist or anything. Heard names of drugs, never in my life. it scares me in a nauseous way. good thing about the trip - spontaneous, beach, bed, booze, walkin in beach short anywre, reading (half through Living thier lie by Brandon Ingram). My friends wre asking wtf was wrong with me, cause im not a guy who can be pulled off a dance floor easily, here i was sipping my drink(downing, i haven't aged tht much to sip), and me doing a two step wud be slower than snail walk.. :) so there is ma escape weekend....

how has everyone been? naughty, nice, bored?

~ hikka ~

2010-07-31T13:51:00.001+05:30

and now i know whats e whole rave abt hikka is.... :-) shud i detail? ah ah ah...hows everyone's weekend?

~ Help - SOS - F1 ~

2010-07-20T23:54:00.000+05:30

I dont know if im in the midst of quarter life crisis or not, certainly not helping me much, nor my mood, or not having any tolerance for bullshit or ppl pushing and shoving things at me (only was tried). So i jumped the gun once again, took my usual route of going to the avp at a level higher than someone who slotted himself in between in the corporate (bullshit) hierarchy with the prob the so who slotted himself came up with along with my immediate supervisor. dropped the words I WOULD NOT HESITATE TO QUIT IF I GET PUSHED ONCE MORE threat (not sure how it swings & thts a long story short). For once i was diplomatic, put everything on the table and made sure he got my point (frustration) and i was serious about putting the paper on the table and walking out. Was given alt options and routes to work things, but i'm not impressed. Since then, i've been looking for a hint of sarcasm or pushing / shoving from my immediate supervisor to type out that letter and sign and hand it over with a sigh / relief smile along with the frustration of the bills on the table in the back of my mind.

So im starting my backup plan, until i could find something stable, sending cv's to friends, head hunter's, basically as far as my finger tips manage to reach. So i thought why not reach out on the web, as a last resort - im out looking for freelance jobs in the lines of designing, writing. Two key areas which i can manage to do. But i dont have a qualification in one of them - writing and i don have credible work experience as such in both, although i went to a design school to study design. so if any of you know any gigs or temps that pop in ur head, please do drop me in on it, you'll can catch me on thegamelk@gmail.com if you require more of a formal resume of sort....

This comes as a desperation post of sort, hope i get through this week or make it to even a quarter life :)

Have a good week everyone..

~ my world ~

2010-07-16T22:17:00.000+05:30

Was planning on starting a tag myself, and LD started on somethin, RD picked it and its being followed slowly i think, so here i go with mine (totally bored random post on a friday night)

basketball (though i don get to play anymore)
swimming
some friends
some in family
music
a good drink
a good dance
a good partner for the night
good laugh
good lies
flirting
going out with a stranger
nieces n nephews
shoes
red
black
blue
lazy weekday
fondling
caressing just aimlessly
movie
movie date
movie with friends
playing pool to teach someone
dressing up
dessing up for someone
dressin like a old rag just cause
writing
reading
smiling
staying at home when you have to go out
going out when you have to stay at home
waking up late everyday
waiting for someone
planning a date
holding someone's hand
whispering
playing with each other hair

ok the list seems to be aimless n long.. il stop... :) hows it going with everyone...? happy weekend....

~ conversation ~

2010-07-04T10:33:00.000+05:30

Boy: do you remember you asking me where we are going with this?
Girl: oh yeah, i did.
Boy: and that would be?
Girl: i think it wud be best if we stayed friends, we are not going to go far and even if we dragged, it wud be nowhere.
Boy. oh, cool *trying to wipe off a slightly sad smile*

Never in the conversation, did she wonder what he had in mind. :)

Women, cant live with them.. n cant live without them.

~ help ~

2010-06-16T11:10:00.000+05:30

I'm creatively deprived at the moment, looking high and low for designs for inspiration for a website that I have to come up with. Deviant has some gr8 stuff, but nothing that i can really use to my taste. so readers (if anyone out there) please...suggest something.!!

Lame ass post i know, hell i'm gettin frustated that i can pen down outlines for the structure of the website!!

HELP!!

~ saying bye is never easy ~

2010-06-12T02:18:00.000+05:30

To whom it may concern,

Due to personal reasons, I’d have to leave the organization.

My sincere apologies that I have not handed this in person, but my personal situation has pushed me to this.

Thanks for everything that you and the management and everyone in the company has been to me.

With much regret I have to say good bye.

Reading this in head for the last time he managed to fold it neat into an envelope. Taking the deep breath, thinking to himself, will he regret the decision he’s made. Step 1 – send in the resignation, almost like he did a check off from the list he set out to do. He had a long list, Step 2 – write the last note to the friend.

Hi,

This might be the last time you hear of me or the last of my writing to you. I’m not sure if this is a note that you’d like to keep with you, like you say you always do. It’s time we part, it’s time that I grow up, grow out of your shadow and guidance. You’ve always looked at me like a kid who needs love and guidance and I’d be good, but you never saw past certain degree, which you never got around to. Now you have one less social responsibility that you took it upon yourself. It all ends today; now, I would not be there for you like you’ve been there for me. Selfish of me, but its time I say my bye. Take care of yourself; you won’t have me to shout at you any longer asking you to take your meds or anything.

Bye.

Step 2 – Checked off list.

Step 3 – last writing for his love.

Hi my love,

I don’t think I’ve been this passionate or feeling this way about you when I was with you, and now that you’re gone, I have nothing left. You gave me something; I saw redemption in you, hope. Was in hope that you’d make me a more of a man and less of the animal, only to the denied of the one thing I asked of you. Love. Where do I stand today, having to give you up to someone else, and you want me to come watch you do that to me? Sorry. Sorry for the things that has happened between the time you started blaming me for everything and to now. Love him at least till the end. I won’t be around to give you a shoulder no more. Enough that I listened to everything you and soaked myself in it so you wouldn’t have any of the guilt or pain. Guess even that wasn’t enough for that you. You managed to yank that little life I had in me. Good bye. From now on, no me.

Bye.

Step 3 – Checked off list.

Step 4 – letter to his mom.

I won’t be around when your back home. This letter is last you’d hear of me. Don’t waste your time looking for you. I wish I had been man enough to stay and take care of you, but I’m not. I never had the chance to grow up from a kid to adolescent to a responsible adult. After dad left us, everyone wanted me to fill his shoes, I’m sorry that I was only a disappointment to you. I was never the son how you wanted to see. You can’t leave your son out to the wild all by himself and come back home expecting to the little boy you held hands walking on the road. Now you have one less worry, one less disappoint in your life, you can go to take of other kids. Always loved you never knew how to show though.

Bye.

Step 4 – Checked off list.

Step 5 – letter to self.

If your reading this, it only means that you’ve found what you went looking for, if not, you lived your life on own terms, but sometimes you were knocked down cause you were not living to other peoples’ expectation. You lived you life, maybe you can’t be proud of the things you’ve done in your life, but you learned to love, tried only to let it go, but you never did, it ate like a worm hole and if you had stayed any longer you would have only dragged everyone along with you. Now it’s time and you’ve learnt things I don’t understand at this point of time. See you in the future.

Step 5 – Checked off list.

Lifting the bags he left the house, leaving the keys at the door, getting into the cab, wallet in hand and backpack with the minimum clothes. Tossing the phone out of his pocket to where he kept the keys. One final look at the place that has seen a lot of things with him, he’s got to part now from everything. Everything that would remind of her. “It’s the only way”, he kept reassuring himself. Was it enough, was it enough to keep him going where he’s about to go. Saluting at the balcony, almost imaging him standing there, as the cab pulls away from the gravel pathway. Resting his head back, closing his eyes, feeling nothing. Nothing.

~ the first of the many ~

2010-05-28T22:54:00.001+05:30

Like the title goes, atleast hoping. The below design is something that i came up with, got the screen done, but painted it myself :D feeling very proud *not really*. Well this is the decent one to come out of the many i tried at home with all the old t's i can find. But this one come out right the 1st time i tried and did wear it in public.. and no one believes i did this at home :D hehehe like it goes one of the many to under a brand name soon :D for now im stuck with a few names, cant decide.. blah....

So wht do you folks think?

~ beginning of an ending ~

2010-04-18T22:34:00.000+05:30

........“So why did you want to see me then” turning almost frustrated. “I’m getting married, I wanted to tell you that in person, I want you to come, I want you to be there”

The words “I’m getting married” kept playing over and over again in his head, he stood there dumbstruck. He couldn’t think of anything to respond to what she just told him. He knew this eventuality, it had played in his mind that he would find out that is she is married, with kids and happy with her husband. But this is not a scenario which played in his picturesque mind. He had no words to tell her, he stood there almost looking blank past her; she turned to look back to see if he was looking at her still or someone else in the large sitting area of the hotel. She kept waving to bring him back to reality of obscure noise, he snapped back that instant. His mind raced to say “no to her, that she couldn’t do this to him, leaving him wasn’t enough, but she wanted him to be there?” Before he could ask or say no to her, he managed to flush out a smile, took it in his hand. She said her bye; he had nothing in return to give her. She turned back, “I want to see you there”.

All that came into his mind right now was only of the happy moments they both shared together, images so vivid, the smell of her skin was still lingering in his head, even though it’s been two years since he last saw her. Only question in his head, “WHY”, he mumbled almost in out loud, he stood there trying to grasp what just happened to him and drew a breath almost like his last. He wasn’t hit by a truck on the highway, nor was he taken down by someone bigger in size, he wasn’t hurt in anyway physically, but she just managed to yank out his soul like, if there was anything left of him now. He didn’t have an answer to her wish, he avoided her for the same reason that she would do this to him again. He let down his guard and at the very first chance, he was lost once again.

He had only wished and prayed for strength to not lean into the dangerous deeds. Over the last two years, he had been through enough in his mind, and right at this moment, everything that he worked through didn’t matter. He was about to leave a trace of sadness at the corner of his eyes, out of reflex, his eye lids closed to shut out the world and in the tear. He had lost all belief in a relationship, in a normal relationship, but yet he managed to stay away from his physical needs. He was only at the edge of throwing of everything he was holding it together, he pitifully gave away in belief that she might return to him one day. His conscious however was stronger, “Once you’re gone, you’re gone”. He recited like a prayer, prayer, something he had lost all hope in two years ago, on the very first day he made it to church in a long time.

Now he didn’t need a reason to throw it away all, one could question his way, his words, his actions. If there was a price for the things he’s about to do, he was willing to give it away for the eternity of hell according to his fore father’s religion. His belief had long died, only thing he believed right now was of karma, he had a saying inside his head, “karma’s a bitch and she just loves to fuck with me, just as much I did with her”. Indeed karma was just that to him. He was swatting away the invitation, he sighed, “invitation to what, to watch another man take you in front of me”. He was pondering on what he has done to deserve to be where he was now. He thought this was the price he had to pay for the rest of his for his guilty pleasures.

Blows of images of his intimacy with other woman before just kept racing his mind, his boisterous care free years, everything before her, ran through his mind, a voice in his mind remind, “everything’s got a price, you’ve got to pay every single one of them”. He wanted to throw his fist into something hard, to feel pain, to shake away this numbness, this coldness, he’s been using to hide under, but this was not the place to express his deep inner anger, disappointment, with himself. He felt the vibrator on his phone go off, it took him more than few seconds to realise that it was not a message but a call. Unknown number again, he wondered who the hell wanted to talk to him at this time, “hello” in a more muffle tone, “look I am really sorry about what happened between us, I never got a chance to explain, why I had to let you go”, He broke her off in the middle of her sentence, “I’m getting another call, and I’ll call you later”. His defence mechanism kicked in instantly, he was even surprised, that his instincts were rusty always; never the most polite like manner, but today it served its purpose. He closed his eye for a second, before he felt the vibration in the palm of his hand. Unknown number again, “would you listen to me for once”, he cut her short again, “look now is not the best time, please don’t push it, I don’t want to say something I don’t mean and just make my day even worse for me, so I need some space, I’ll call once I get my head around this”.

He wasn’t even back to square one now, it was almost like he was in a place he’s never been, so lost, so angry, so frustrated, but this time, with nobody else, but with himself. He knew instantly, this anger meant only one meaning, destruction, something not out of teenage rage, but this time it was more than that. The light in him was diminishing with the rage of his voice, “so much for believing in fairy tale ending in your life”. Muffled obscene escaped his lips, he knew he should not stay any longer, he felt the vibration in his hand, “office, shit he thought, I can’t deal with another, where are you, you’re supposed to be in office lecture” he thought, he was in no mood to answer any call.

Yet he could call only one person right now, he dialled numbers so fast, it took time to display on the screen, “pick up pick up pick up, damn it, where the hell are you when I need you, why the hell do you even have a mobile”, muffled and only inside his head. The voice on the other end trying to sound in a pissed off tone, “why can’t you answer my call you shit”, he cut her short “I’m in no mood for that, meet me at the mall”, “who do you think you are” in her usual playful tone, “I told you I’m in no mood for that shit, can you come or not, I have something to tell you, I don’t want to do it in office, can you come or not?” he waited a second, two, three for her reply, “you picked the wrong time to play with me”. His thumb pressed so hard on the red button on the phone, it almost made his thumb go numb for a split second. He was in no mood to play games with her.

His feet rushed up on the stairs, he was not in a mood to wait for the lift. She was standing there, “how dare do you do that to me?”, he snapped instantly, “you just picked the wrong time, wrong day to play with me”, he walked past her like she didn’t even exist there, it was a beginning of an end, it was the beginning of the end to a lot of things in his life.

~ past in present ~

2010-04-02T13:24:00.000+05:30

There was sudden silence filling the room, he broke the silence, “what do you want out of this”. She looked at him perplexed “what do you mean”. His tone has gotten a lot more straightened out, “what are you getting out of this”. She was taken by his question; she paused, turned around, away from him. There was silence once again filling the room, he didn’t know what he was doing with her. He began with a sigh, she stopped him, turned around and kissed him, before he could say anything. She broke from the kiss slowly, leaving her fingers tips on his lips, “take me home please” was the only words that came from her of the rest of the night. It was a long drive back to the city, it seemed even longer when she was silent, looking out for the vast open sea, her view was interrupted with buildings and other landscapes as they were nearing small towns on the way back to the concrete jungle. She felt his hand on her thigh, his hand lay motionless and she was having the same feeling running through her body, just like first touch. She moved her eyes away from the sea and towards him; her hands came over his and held them tight.

Her silence said it all, it was over between them. She gave a spot pat and she moved his hand away from her. His eyes turned towards her and then back to the long stretch of road almost like a tarmac. His mind was fixed with only thing, getting away the weekend. He wanted to be far away from it all. An hou or more later, they were at her apartment lobby entrance, he got down to get her bags, she took them from his hands. She kissed him on his cheeks, “thanks for everything, you deserve someone better, let her go”, she walked away from him, no turning back to look at him even once. He let out a loud sigh, shrugged his shoulder and got back into the car, turned around and back to his empty house. Switched on his hall lights, flipped the keys on the table, walked into his to change into his towel and for a shower to wash away everything. But a shower was not going to wash away everything he knew.

Couple of weeks passed by, there was no call, no text messages, no email. He went about with his work, didn’t pay much attention to his loneliness, which was he was reminded of each time he saw any couple, his mind instantly swing to his memories of holding the love of his life’s hand. There was nothing he could do to shift time back and correct which he wanted. He could only close his eyes and reminiscence about the time they had been together, those late night walks at the almost empty mall after a quick dinner or laughing and fighting over a milkshake. He would shake off the image in his, he was not ready to let go nor was he able to live in those memories any longer.

“Hello”, a familiar voice, his heart was racing faster, he was gasping for air; he knew instantly to whom the voice belonged, “How did you get this number”. This was his office line which he never used or has no memory of calling her from this number. “Oh well I have my ways, how are you doing” was the reply of the familiar, he had thought he would never hear her voice or see her again, but here she was talking to him “I’ve been alright, going on” is all that he could come up, “how are you doing and how did you get this number”. Her answer began with the most familiar giggle he knew of “I’ve been good, thanks”. He didn’t know what to tell her or ask her, “are you back” was the first of the questions he managed to come out with. “Yes, I’m back, I’ve been here for about a week now”. There was a pause before she began again, “I need to see you, I have something to tell you and give you, when are you free for me”. He took a good second or two before he answered her, “are you sure, we should meet”. She broke his sentence, “aren’t you still one of my mate?” was the most obvious question she could come out with. He couldn’t come up with an answer to her question, sighed and he began, “yes I’m still the guy you use to know, haven’t changed much.” “So when are we meeting”, he wanted to avoid meeting her even though he’s been dying to see her at least once again, but he knew better, besides what is it that she wanted to see him for, running countless times again and again. “Oh I’m kind of stuck with some work these few days, how about next week?”, her voice turned cold, “ so you don’t have time for me anymore, so much for thinking you’d be still the same”. He cut her off short, “I want to meet you, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing” she cut him short, “won’t take much time, I just need 15 minutes of your time, do you think you could do that for me?” was her pleading request, he couldn’t say no. “Where do you want to meet up and when?” he had no say in this what so ever, “usual place, same place where we meet, by 2, is it ok with you” was her quick reply. “I don’t have a say in this what so ever do I?”, she began “just 15 minutes of your life, that’s all I’m asking”, he agreed to meet her.

Still holding onto the phone, with line gone dead, he was thinking “you want only 15 minutes of my life when I was willing to spend my lifetime with you”. He sighed and had to put his head back to work, to take his mind off the last 5 minutes, which was sure to turn things around, for good or for worse he didn’t know yet, only one question reminded perpetual to him all the while, what is that she wanted to give him or tell him, that was so urgent. He couldn’t let his mind wander when he had work on this plate more than he could handle without all his concentration. Calling it a day, he couldn’t give mind about tomorrow, because he was already beat up for today. His mind raced to the second he answered the phone, thinking about her, his mind kept playing back over and over again only thing “I need to see you, I have something to tell you and give you”. He tried to figure what is that she wanted to see him for so urgently.

He picked up the shirt she liked to see him, dark blue. He was on his way to office, his mobile rang with a familiar number but no name and he thought could it be her. “Hey I’m on my way, are you there yet or still on your way” from the same familiar voice. “I’m still on my way to office, I’ll be there by 2”, “ok, see you then”, the line went dead. He was growing more impatient to find out why she wanted to see him. He knew he would know the answer to that question very soon. Quickly settled in office before he made excuse to rush out of office on the pretence of lunch and head out to the place he was suppose to meet her. He walked past a couple of the stores on the mall, few new shops have turned up and some missing, “times have changed” he thought.

He was waiting for her; he saw her coming through the large arch rolling doors. She picked her mobile, looking for him; he was almost standing straight in front of her only few meters away from her. He could only sigh and wave at her, she saw him at last and almost a relieved smile showed up on her face. He was thinking “stop killing me all over again with that smile of yours”. He leaned forward to give her a hug, she didn’t move, “I can’t be seen with you, I had to put a argument with mom to come today” in a soft tone. “So why did you want to see me then” turning almost frustrated. “I’m getting married, I wanted to tell you that in person, I want you to come, I want you to be there”

~ foto post ~

2010-01-29T12:05:00.000+05:30

Pics from my last week quick trip to india.. :)

Chepak Stadium - back end - CHENNAI SUPER KINGS Home Ground

Train ticket from Nugumpakkam to Guindy (Chennai)

Couzin's 21st b'day - purpose of trip

Insanely hyper dog taking a rest- Roger

Chennai Airport

Jet Screen :P

Flight of Stairs no longer used

Boarding Ticket

Chennai - Colombo

I know its nothing much, just wanted to post some pics.. :)

~ flushed ~

2010-01-17T21:08:00.000+05:30

That would be my current state of my mind, totally flushed.. Like there is nothing more left in me, in terms of creativity. I've not been able to write, draw nor come up with anything to design about. I've got a few deadlines to meet up. Personal goals rather, with a business partner ofcourse. so im calling out for ppl who might be interested in teaming up on a freelancing basis. Looking for fashion designers in general, but if your a graphic artist, good in line drawing, basically anyone who can draw.... :) i've seen a few ppl who really gr8, like Cerebral Ramblings, Suri... to name a few. if you'd like to know more details, please email me on thegamelk@gmail.com and we shud be able to talk about portfolio work or how you can help me out.. :D it wud be really gr8..

So leaving that aside, how has everyone been?

I know sorry a** post after a long time... :D

~ good bye 2009 ~

2009-12-31T23:43:00.001+05:30

hmmm im not sure how i can put this, but its been a very testing year. good, bad, hard to say, its all grey.. :) not that there was not enough color in the year... but wht ever happened did.. happen.. well.. its time to say GOODBYE to it.

Hope the new one turns out to be better than the last one.. wishes n hopes are all we are left with.

Wishing a everyone who drop here, HAPPPY NEW YEAR, may you and your family and loved ones be blessed with good health, wealth, love and happiness. ENJOY

~ so it is christmas ~

2009-12-20T14:07:00.001+05:30

A week more i guess for everyone to get high on the season n be merry about it. but never the less..

MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone to drops in here and dont.. :)

I've started work, so lack thereof the continuation of story or post or any sort as the last week has been nothing but - Sleep - Work - Sleep - Work.. I've done nothin other than tht.. practically..

I was asked to come join at the same place i use to work 8 months ago, where i actually started working n been working for close to 6 years. i dont get the same desk.. but i got a new pc.. on the 2nd day work.. :D hehehe

How have you peeps beeen?? everyone in celebrative mooood??

~ guilt over pain ~

2009-12-12T13:35:00.001+05:30

“did you love her” and she paused and closed her eyes and ears scrunching her face, she covered her face with her hands. There was silence between the two, the swaying has stopped and the waves dashing against the shore filled the air. He let out a sigh; she opened her eyes and looked at him, holding his face in her palm, “come on, you can talk to me about this”, he understood her intension. He began with a sigh to say “is that a question to get rid of me”. She got off him in a haste and she almost feel on the grainy sand, he caught her before that. She began with a sigh and in a disappointed tone, “I know it’s not my place or have any rights to ask you about her”, she tried to keep her voice calm, she began once again, “I know I’m just another woman to you, just another flavor of the month to you”. She tried to hold her voice steady and not wanting to let out any emotions. She tried once again, “but, I do care about you”. She stopped, feeling the voice going down in tone, drained and taken over my emotions filling her. She paused and waited for him. He sat there motionless, looking into the deep open sea. She broke the silence between them, “can you take me back to the room”. She sighed and tried once again to get his attention in a more broken and distorted tone but raised voice, “can we just go to the room please”. He looked back at her and he had a tear at the corner of his eye. He tried to hide that from her, wiped it off his face and started scratching his eyes as though something went in.

“Yes, I loved her” in a soft tone when he got himself up from the log, wiping the sand off his shorts. He began once again, “you want to go to the room, fine lets go” he sighed as he broke in between to begin again, “and you’re not one those of other flavor of the month, like you think you, first get that thought out of you if you want to see me again”. He took a couple of steps towards the hotel, he paused and waited for her, “aren’t you coming” he looked at her in a quizzical manner. She sighed and began to walk towards him, she stood in front of him, within an inch of space between them, her feet caressed on his, rubbing the grainy sand on his feet. Her right hand reached towards him, her palm rested on his cheeks, “I only wanted you to be happy, even though you don’t tell me the pain you’re going through inside, I know you are in pain, I only wanted you to let it out”, she let her hands run around him and rested her head on his chest, “how could she have walked away from you” and she continued “her loss, my gain” she tried to throw in a wink with that. He shook his head in as though a mental shoulder shrug. She took her hands away from around him and started walking towards the water; he stood there watching her. She turned around to face him, reaching out her arms, “aren’t you coming”, he stood with his feet cemented, “thought you wanted to go to the room”. She wasn’t going to give into that, she stood there waiting for him and he sighed and walked towards her. He couldn’t believe himself that he was giving into her, in his mind he was starting to map out where is this all leading to, he remembers calling her out for a drink, meeting in the club, first time at her place, waking up alone in her bed, rushing to his home, dinner she cooked for him, waking up in bed alone once again and now in a hotel with her.

He went towards her, knowing he’d be there sooner to hold her, she turned her back towards him, he held from behind, she tried to snuggle up in his arms, she whispered “hold me tighter”. He was thinking to himself, no matter how old a woman gets, she still has needs and wants, still wanting to feel wanted and cared for. He kissed her on her cheek bone, sending shivers down her spine and freezing her body for a second. She said “do that again”, he was giving her butterfly kisses on her cheek bone on her demand, she pulled his arms tighter around him, the water was reaching her feet, in between the kisses he was trying to whisper in her ear, “you sure you want to get wet”. She freed herself from his arms and ran more into the sea, pulling him too along with her. They were standing almost at knee length water; she was clearly losing her balance against the gushing water. She didn’t care at all if she was going to get her dress wet, but she didn’t want to get it all wet. She asked him to wait in the water, as she stumbled and went to the log they were seated. She undid the knot at the back of her neck and the dress fell down to her hip as she maneuvered out of it. He was watching her undress herself to the bikini she was wearing; she managed to tie her hair up in high pony tail. She was quickening her pace towards him now and no more than 2 hops into the heavy waves, she fell on her back. Trying to catch her breath and tried to sit up straight, he was there next to her on his knees helping her up. He couldn’t help it but burst into laughter, she tried to him hard, but she hurt himself, “what are you” was her line she never got tired off.

She reached for his lips, her hands held his head steady; he had gotten all wet by now. She felt a tingle inside her, the same feeling she felt the first time his lips touched her. She was feeling a thrill rushing through her body when his hand took over her hip, holding her down against the strong waves that were gushing against them. Her eyes pierced through his eyes as though reaching for his soul and to steal it away for eternity. She thought to herself, “her loss, my gain, what was she was even thinking”. She kissed him hard on his lips, they went into a wild lip lock, her right hand reached behind his neck and held him closer to her, her left slowly crept through the ends of this thick curls which were wet. He broke the intense between them, just as she was about to take off his shirt. He almost lifted her up in one go and got her on her feet. She stood there still with her hands around his neck, close to him, wet in salty water and her lips dying for his and her body for his hands and lips. She reached closer to him, feeling him against her body, whispered in his ear as she pulled down his head, “take me to the room”. He didn’t want to walk through the restaurant wet like this; he looked around for another way. He saw a mangrove just a few steps ahead which lead to the hotel. He looked at her as though to ask if she was ok to take that way. She took the dress in her hand and walked ahead and pulling him by his hand. They were wet and were trying to get through the mangrove as she was in a rush to get back to the room. Her mind was racing fast thinking about how she wanted him to take her, to have her his way. She stopped and turned around to face him, he almost ran into her, “what now” he asked her. She dropped the dress to the grainy sand and her hands reached for his face, he felt it intense than before, her body was cold. She stood there in his hands, waiting to be taken, he hesitated and she stood there slightly disappointed that he didn’t want her. Her eyes were pleading him to have her then and there, he pulled her closer to him, let his lips seal hers once again, her hands tried to reach behind to untie the string off her bikini, he stopped her with his hands, broke off the kiss, “not here, I don’t want you to be like just another flavor of the month” he picked up the dress and led her to the room.

Before he could close it behind him, she pushed him against the door, letting the string come off her neck. Her lips sealed his, in a passionate wild lip lock; she managed to take off his shirt. He carried her in a swift and laid her there on the bed softly, he was being gently no matter how rough she got. Her mind running wild to think what would actually get him rough. She broke from the kiss, moved herself away from him, he sat there completely put off, “what did I do wrong” he asked. She paused for a second, for two, for three, kept him waiting until he reached out her; she wanted to feel wanted at all times. He reached her and she completely let him have his way, all she remembers seeing last were his moist lips reaching towards her upper lip. She needn’t witness anything anymore; she was feeling exactly how she wanted to feel and more. All she did was play along with him, her sighs and hisses filled the room once again, his lips moved further down on her chin, her neck and her body was feeling waves of thrills gushing through her. Her fingers through his thick curls guided him across her skin, her most sensitive spots and where she needed to be kissed. She thought to herself, what was happening to her, she has never felt like this before, not even with her husband, she wanted him more than she thought she was going to give him. She closed her eyes shut tight, only to dip into the moment; bit her lips, threw her head back and arched her body to meet his lips. His hands held her hip firmly, raising her lower body to meet his; he could feel her body heaving up and down against his lips and body. He moved in unison to the rhythm of the tune her body was playing. He wanted to stop; she wanted him in her once again. She realized his reluctance and didn’t want to give into him; she held him close, brought his face up to hers to kiss his moist lips, she now opened her and saw beads of sweat on his forehead, wiping it away and she closed her eyes once again and let him to her bare skin.

He didn’t understand the reluctance he was struggling against, he shrugged it off and let his lips back on her skin. She slowly removed his shorts and the slid her dress down. He pulled the sheets over him; she moved them away from them. Her nails started piercing through his skin when he was inside her, she moved against him first, he was more than surprised, he moved against her. Her moans had gotten louder; her sighs n hisses were filling the room. She held him tight, her body was going stiff and he knew she was close to her climax. She wasn’t going to wait for him; she was meeting his every stroke. Her right around his neck tight and the left around his waist, her nails were almost into his skin, he could feel the blood rushing to out of his skin. Her legs around his waist gave him full access and she was in control of him. Suddenly she threw her head back and arched her body up to his, his naked sweated skin against hers. She flopped back to lay rest on her back now slowly as though she was trying to regain herself from a cramp that had caught her body stiff. Her legs were still around him, she knew he wasn’t done yet and she wanted him to reach the same euphoria in pleasure hell she went to and came back out of. Her legs came off his waist once she knew he was done, she was more than content. She ran her fingers through his hair, stroking them softly and getting tangled in his curls.

She rolled him to her side, he reached for her lips with his, she moved back and then forward to kiss him on his lips, pulled the sheets over them and she could see he was wild awake as though in trance. She wanted to ask him, she thought better not to ask another question from him and ruin everything. In his mind, he was beating himself up for what he was doing. He had only reason why he was doing this. He had promised someone, that he would never go back to this kind of life ever again, but he just did the exact opposite. He wanted the guilt to be more than pain she left him. Memories of her ran through his mind, he got up from the bed and went to the washroom, closed the door behind him. She was lying there on the bed, wondering why he closed the door, because he has not done it since they both have been in the same room. She was struggling against her emotions to get up and follow him or just to lay there and pretend that she didn’t see anything or that he closed the door makes no difference. She waited for him, but he took longer than she anticipated, she wrapped herself in a towel and knocked on the door. She could hear soft sobs. She knocked again, “are you alright”, between breaths and heaves he replied “yes, give me a few seconds I’ll be out”. She instantly knew something was wrong. She tried to open the door, but it was locked from the inside. “open the door, I want to use the loo” she tried her luck. Few seconds passed, he opened the door, wiping his tears away from his face, “you can use it now” he walked out of the washroom, brushing against her arm. She held his hand and turned to face him, “you want to talk about it” she asked, “it’s nothing” and he tried to walk to the bed. She held his hand firmly and made him turn back, “remember we said, no regrets, no thank you” she asked him, he nodded his head in agreement, “tell me, what’s wrong” she asked him in a more stern tone. He led her to the bed, sat her down, he got down on his knees, she was running her fingers through his hair, he paused. She waited for him, she understood it wasn’t easy for him, what he’s about to say, but before she could hold her tongue back “is it about her”, she felt her palm reach to close her mouth, but the words have been let out. He held his breath and she was holding his hand in anxious about what he might say or do. He softly nodded his head. There was sudden silence filling the room, he broke the silence, “what do you want out of this”. She looked at him perplexed “what do you mean”. He’s tone has gotten a lot more straightened out, “what are you getting out of this”

~ lady divine ~

2009-12-02T23:50:00.006+05:30

another boredom post.. :)

Here you go LD.. as you asked for in black and purple.. two variations of the same design.. not my best.. :S

If you don like the fuzzines let me know, ill sharpen out the text.. No trouble at al..anytime.. :D let me know if you need it any other way.. ;-) now u owe me a drink.... and no more excuses.. this time.. :P

Edit: as requested LD.. i've done the final editing i suppose with the "Divine's" hehehe..

~ boredom ~

2009-11-28T16:10:00.001+05:30

Well that happens to be cos im at home since last monday and i've been out only once, reason why you may (you should) ask..*drum roll*.. i'm unemployed.. yes you read correct. Moi quit the workforce since monday. Have not been searching high n low for a job, but sending around cv's and talking to ppl is going on. its like a nopay leave, with only ur last paycheck in bank and you've got bills on the table.. :-D.. how many would do somethin stupid (or not) like me..?!?! thats a serious question, under what circumstance would you quit the job your at right now? what would force you to quit a organisation? Having said all that and like LD put in the last post comment, i've had a whole lot time in my hand to laze around, mock around and what not... so what came out of this boredom..and unemployment... below is the answer..

Have been working on them for a couple of days, just a selected few of whom i read often. Got a few other i want to get creative for.. Santhoshi, Cadence, Deliah, LD...not sure of the theme i can work on.. :) here's more variations for a couple of the above i managed to play around with...

Pretty much sums up.. how jobless i've been.. :D hehehe

Hows the weekend going.....?

~ map of letter to me ~

2009-11-27T13:32:00.001+05:30

RD seems to have a burning question of if he should continue the mapping.. He started the tag, he better finish it. :) lol.. well here you go..managed to map out with the last map that you had put up. Dont know how far this had caught fire, as most of them later tags were not mainstream bloggers i suppose. So do let me know if you want me to add more ppl and ill convert it to a way you can have links to each one's blog...

Im sure there is more to the above.. so ppl who wre tagged, tagged themselves.. pls do drop a comment so i can add em all..

Any reason why the right hand side is just branched to 3 tier?? lol

~ letter to 16 (tagged) ~

2009-11-20T17:20:00.001+05:30

Here's the follow on the tagging.. by Santhoshi, who broke the rule :D..besides rules where meant to be broken. Wanted to use this tag in the story(crap) im writing these days, but i've been tagged so.. have to adhere to this.. :D

Oi Lo$t $oul,

Ya thats the name you'll be known by in about 4years time in a place called blogosphere. Yes im the future you, i know you must be jumping up and down now. shut it and listen to me, like thts going to happen. Cutting the crap, pointers what you might go through, just a heads up, thats all.

Your planning to go to India again and yes your going for that wedding. you remember your hunch of you being with a single parent for the rest of your life, wish you hadnt had that. Enjoy the wedding, spend time with both of them, you cant stop whats going to happen. Dont go around looking for black shirt, cos you wont get it, and alot of ppl are going to ask you why and how you know and all that crap, they call black as omen, and ur not going to listen i know. So go ahead, learn to shave early, gosh you sloppy ass, always late and last minute just like appa, no wonder he keeps screaming at you all the time. following that your going to go on a trip and thats where everything changes for the rest of your life. next few days are going to be the worst, toughen up boy, pull your socks up.

your going to come back to sl with only one person and ur AS results is going to shock you, doing crash course without going to skool u might think was cool, NOT. Pick on what you like more, all the geeky computer stuff. Your going to leave SL by coming January, live alone and play havoc, and maybe study. You'll get bored soon, dont worry and you'll see alot blood and threats.. you'll come back and wonder wtf to do next. you'll start doing odd jobs that pay you by the hour, no at a petrol station or mcdonalds..you'll find out. pretty soon you'll go to india again, cos you have the anniversary. things going on like that, no one will hire you yet, cos its illegal you shit to work before your 18.. so much for headstart!! so stop wasting saliva, envelope, stamps, money, walks to post office. You get into some serious trouble cos of your friends, i mean serious. go for the KIT Challenge, but dont go to your friends house after that. You get hired to work for an AD company before ur 18...and when you meet ur boss, tell her she looks good. Dont be shy. You'll feel proud about your 1st paycheck. you'll have your first phone, yes from your savings ofcourse.

Next few months, will work out alright, you'll be talking to someone, you'll drive her insane enough to ask you out, late night text, calls. you'll meet her soon in real too. nothing special happens when ur 18. your on ur wy to india again, coming back you'll have her waiting for you. you'll be head over ur shoes for her, she is someone whom you'd never be able to handle. she is too much of work for you, but still go ahead. loosen the other one you keeping messaging on the side, there is nothin there for you there, but do it anyway, you'll learn a few things. You'll start work in the most strange way, take a bloody shave, wear a tie. No your not going to australia, even though you get accepted. At work you'll meet alot of ppl, good/ok/shitty ppl. ease on your words, you have a loud foul mouth we all know, so tune down a lil if you can. You'll kick some serious ass with your work, you'll have ur seniors whinning you finish work so early.... LAUGH OUT LOUD as you can. The paycheck is going to be way more than you expected, ill leave you to get a mini heart attack.

You'll stand out for you work, loud mouth, showing up late to office or long breaks. Being you, your just going to handle it hows it all meant to be handled. Your not going to be with that girl you dating, she break up, you'll break up, drive you insane. Finally you grow some balls and tell her that you cant do this anymore. You close that book. But hell you'll open alot of doors you didnt know existed. i aint going to tell you what. you'll have a love/hate, more like you both want to kill each other relationship with someone at work. she'll turn out to be quite a work for you, too much most of the time, but you become the punching bag for her and she'll confide in you. Dont worry nothing new you'd need to know, cos your were good at what you did.

Remember the grl you met online who likes In the End by LP as much as u did, who lives half way around the world, you'll meet her soon. She is going to turn your world around. i'll let you find out how you become what you become for her. pretty soon you wont be the same guy. You work well, your now very much known for your foul loud mouth, hot head in office and by the management. People would still hesitate to give you responsibility, FFS your still not even 19...obviously they are not use to having ppl your age running sections of projects. Things will go on as it will, you keep doing what you doing. There is so much you will learn, fall into, get out of, become of in the years... everything is left for you find out.

By the time you turn 21, things will fall into place, you'll have some peace in your life and you will learn to smile more often for no reason when you look at someone picture. You and your love/hate - worst enemy/best friend will grow a bond, stronger, closer. she will happen to be your strength in the comin months, before your 22 everything will fall out of place. You'll lose someone and nothing will be same again. dark times ahead, watch out for emotions that run deep dark inside you. dont give into the suicidal side of you. your strong and try to be. talk to ppl, write more. ok this may some as surprise, even though you've been kicked out ur english & english lit class back in school. you have a way to channel all your anger, dissappoint, so write that long note to the first puppy love gf of yours and you know where to hit the next you down the dark pit. you'll fall deeper into, but something along the wy will save you.

By this time you'll grow more close to your family, your uncles will be teaching how to mix drinks, drink with them, make the best bites and get into trouble with their wifes for it. you'll have a great time growing up. You'll become be distant with your only parent alive. Will make you want to run away so many times, will never understand you nor will you be appreciated for who your. You will be hurt and you wont understand how can you talk to you own blood this way. embrace yourself, cos your so alone now, there is no one who can help you, except yourself. but you start finding other stuff to help you and you know to bottle it up and build walls around you.

By 23 your a different man, things take you down the rut even further and you swim right into as well. You'll never learn from your mistakes, you only have experience. By now you would have carried three coffins, stand next to your uncle and only feel numb. you'll learn not to cry anymore, you'll learn not to give into emotions. when the year begins, you make up ur mind to leave your past behind, including the good things. your even going to leave the special someone in the dark. one side will beat u up inside for it, but the other side knows to take the beating and make you stubborn of what your head wants.

Im 24 now, single, alone but i accept who im, you will learn to accept who you are.. You wud have gone through different hairstyles, full shave, plats, braids, oh yes you grow your hair long enough to get braids done, a piercing, a tattoo and women's name you dont remember anymore who have been in your life and some you dont want to hear ever again in ur life.oh btw.. you get into a whole load of shit cos of the bad habits you have with woman, threats, almost beat ups and what not, but your still alive and you still do what you do...you'll learn to laugh about it all..

its almost november in 2009 and your attitude and you will change so much, you'll regret who your at the moment. there is nothing you can change. life teaches you alot, you learnt it yourself in the wildernes.. once you leave home, you never come back, and your one of them. so live it as it comes, try to save a lil if you can for that rainy day or if you want to do a surprise date, you'll never be rich, but u make the most of what you get and with credit cards. where im today, im proud, cos i made it on my own. when you reach this date, you'll know you'd be writing this.

~ questions and answers ~

2009-11-17T22:40:00.001+05:30

He broke from the passionate lip lock, trailing his lips down to her chin, to her neck, as he slowly bit on her neck, a she responded with hers on his neck, very soon something that’s going to be questionable if he went out without high collar. Sighs and hisses of hers filled the room. Her finger nails gets more intense on his skin, almost piercing through, leaving her love marks on his back; his skin feels the burning sensation as she runs down on his back. His lips trailing further down to her neck, soft butterfly kisses on her collar bone. He pauses for a moment to catch his breath, her fingers rush to his hair to guide him back to her skin, his lips trailed even further down on her skin, down to her navel, his lips could not get enough of her skin and she couldn’t get satisfied enough with his lips on her skin for she wanted more of him as each second passed by. Their wet naked body soaked the bed; she could feel the coldness creeping on her back when she suddenly pushed him aside to roll on top of him. She sat on top of him, he thought to himself, second time on one day, he was laying there breathing heavy, his chest was heaving up and down and he was looking breathing heavy almost meeting his rhythm. Her hair fell in front covering her face, he tried to get up to push them back and she pushed him back to lie down on his back. She swung her hair back like in one go, like a in shampoo ad he thought, she ran her fingers through her hair and tried to fluff her wet hair, he rose once again this time he was in control of her, still on top of her she was about to fall on back when her reflex kicked in to hold him by his neck.

He sent both his arms around her to hug her tight; the water has almost dried off them, when he kissed a pearl of water on neck, she threw he head back, biting her lips and she drew him closer to her. It was as if they were one, her bosom crushed against chest, his pelvis almost as one with her hip. She began to grind on him, slowly at first, their lips once again locked in a wild battle to take over each others, he tongue pierced his first and he came back stronger with his. Her slow paced rhythmic movement against him turned her on even more; she broke off the kiss as she couldn’t take it anymore. She whispered in his ear with her hands around his neck, “I want you now”. He moved her away from him, looked deep into her eyes, his hand went to her hip, as he guided her to slowly lie on the bed, she ran her nail top on his arms, turning him on, tickling his senses, he came over her and covering the day light, he let his lips lay softly on her moist lips, she met his kisses like for the first time she was kissing a man. His hand moved to thighs stroking them softly, her hand now running around his neck, pulling out this thick curls and the other over his broad back to pull him closer to her. Her right hand slips between them, creeping over his strong abdomen and to guide him to the gateway to heaven. She sighed at his first touch on her. She wanted him more than ever now, there was no holding back and there was no going back. She moved against and under him, he weighed more than her, sensing she wanted to have control of what’s to come next, he lifted himself lightly but she used her left hand to pull him down on her. Lips locked, her bosom crushed against his heavier upper body, she was barely managing to breathe in-between the wild union of lips and crushed rib cage.

Their body moved in a perfect rhythm, she felt as though it was her first time, indeed it was her first time with him and one in a long time. Her feelings for her husband died the moment she walked into the bedroom finding him with another woman, what killed her more was that he was on the same bed each night with her. She felt the lost intimacy between them a while ago, she felt as though there was a drift, a wedge between them on the same bed, and now she found the reason for it. She closed her eyes to forget the pain inside her and wanted to enjoy the moment. He didn’t love her, but still somehow she wanted him out of all the men she could have had. Her nails dug into his skin making him groan at each stroke, he went deep into her, she groaned like never before, at least she didn’t remember the last time it was this way with a man. She tried to move him to get on top of him, but his weight never gave into her want, she met his strokes with a certain disappointment in her. He was too strong for her, but her womanly nature didn’t want to back down, there was nothing to lose, only to gain, she tried once again to shift position, to her surprise he rolled her over him, making him to sit on top of him. A loud squeal filled the room once against amidst the moans and sighs. She flung her hair back over her shoulder, he was watching her flushed face starting to show pearls of sweat on her fair skin. Her hands pushed down on his chest, she commanded him “stay down”. Her hands went to his shoulders to hold him down, but she didn’t know he let her have her way cause he wanted to, this time he overpowered and rose up to kiss on her lips, his fingers tenderly went through her wet hair holding them tight to keep her head steady against her movement, still inside her, she was on top, she wanted to give him all for she doesn’t know what might happen tomorrow. More than she wanted to give him, she wanted him for herself. She rose up against his body, slammed back on him, this made him groan the first time, the second, the third, when he started meeting her. She was going wild; she hasn’t felt like this since her first few years of marriage, during the early months of exploring she turned from a naïve innocent young girl to satisfied woman.

She was pushing against his strokes now, she was more wild with each second passing by, she was nearing her climax, when he felt he was about to give out, his fingers clutched her hair tighter, she knew instantly he was about to give out into her. She picked up her pace when she was reaching her climax, he was first to give in, he groaned loud, his deep voice showed a level she has never heard. She felt a gush inside her, she didn’t want it to stop, she was reaching hers and she followed him. Intense waves of pleasure, one after the other followed like the flood gates have been open, she sent her nails into his skin, she didn’t care if she had to stitch him after, holding him so tight against her, she let the flood subdue slowly, she now rode him much slower and finally almost came to a halt before she collapsed on top of him as he laid down on the bed. She managed to lift her head up from his chest, reached her lips on his neck and kissed from softly. His hands went to stroke through her hair and the other caressing the soft skin of her back. He was still inside her.

Minutes had passed, both hadn’t noticed until she managed to roll off him and lie next to him, almost his arms, when she rested her head and pulled up the sheets and closed her eyes. He closed and lived the moment. He had a question at the back of his mind, but this not the time. He tried to get up but her hands were around him, he turned to her side and closed his eyes. He woke up in darkness, didn’t know that time has passed to night. She had rolled to the other side; he didn’t want to wake her up, got himself out of bed and pulled the towel around him as he walked to sitting area of the suite. He looked at the contemporary clock hanging on the wall over his head, took him a couple of seconds to figure it was past 7. Stretched out his arms and tried to stretch his sleepiness out of him, he heard a familiar voice call out for him, “come back to bed will you”, and he turned around to watch her sitting up on the bed, naked, sleepy and messy, like she has been ravaged. He stood there with a smirk. He said “time for dinner darling and we have to get back to city as well”; she got up on her knees and stretched out her laziness, “what if I wanted to stay here for the night, would it be too much to ask”. He didn’t say anything to her, no question as to why. He looked for his phone, found it on the dressing table with a large mirror facing the bed, he remembers how she how she rode him and he was all the while watching it on the mirror. He started typing a message and he switched it off. She asked him “had to cancel your dinner plans with someone else?” he replied with a smirk on his face, “only dinner plans I have with you on the beach, get ready”. He walked to the shower and she followed him. Showered and freshened, he watched her get dressed in front of him. He presumed she had already planned this just in case, she put a string tieback with a open back blue dress, “just perfect for the beach” he thought in his head. “how do I look” she asked him standing there almost jittery, thinking to herself if she is pushing her luck too much with him. “just perfect” as he took her in his arms and kissed her softly. She pushed him away, “don’t get started now”; she came into his arms and kissed on his lips. Both walked out of the suite, hand in hand, walked to restaurant by the beach, she wasn’t interested in anything or anyone around; she kept looking at him all the time. She wasn’t too keen on the food, the breeze from the sea kept her senses alive, she was playing with his feet with hers. She felt a sudden chill as stroke of strong breeze brushed over her overly exposed skin, she felt that chill run down her spine and give her goose bumps.

He suggested they take a stroll on the beach, they finished dinner in an orderly manner, not rushing through anything. She picked up the desert in her hand, she said let’s take a walk, they walk strolling on the beach, she was twirling around and sending her dress fly up to her mid thighs, exposing her fair skin. She fell on him trying to spin around with the desert cup in her hand, he helped her up and she was trying to feeding him the desert. They came across an old washed up on the beach, she said “let’s sit down”, he sat down first on the log, feeling it too hard, he asked her to sit on his lap. She sat across his lap, feeding him another spoon. She kept the desert down, he asked her “too full to finish it”, and she replied giggling “I’ve been starving and no I’m not full yet” with a wink. “can we talk” she asked him a very soft tone, “yeah sure, what do want to talk about”. She paused, sighed and tried to get the correct words that were not coming easy to her at this point of time. She didn’t want to ruin what she was having, but she wanted to know. Finally calmed herself and took in a deep breath and sighed out slowly, slowly swaying her left to right on his lap, “what” he asked her. “ok, promise you want get mad at me for asking this” she let out a sigh once again, she made him promise and he did.

“did you love her” and she paused and closed her eyes and ears scrunching her face, she covered her face with her hands. There was silence between the two, the swaying has stopped and the waves dashing against the shore filled the air. He let out a sigh; she opened her eyes and looked at him, holding his face in her palm, “come on, you can talk to me about this”, he understood her intension. He began with a sigh to say..

~ postponed ~

2009-11-16T17:37:00.001+05:30

early notice, due chapter 10 has not even gone through the thought process.. :( without my laptop i feel kinda lost... hate to be sitting at my pc n large keyboard.. large scren.. feels weird.. :S

sad ass post i know.. didnt know wt else to post..ahaha...

~ sinful escape ~

2009-11-10T13:14:00.001+05:30

They both enjoy the Sunday breakfast in bed. She was in his arm, that’s all she wanted of him, his closeness, to make him forget about his pain. She began to say “I have something to tell you”. She paused to look into his eyes, if she should really tell him what she wanted to get off her chest. He raised his eyebrows as he sips his coffee only to blurt out, “go on, tell me”. She replied with a heavy sigh, took his cup of coffee from his hand, got out of his arms and sat on his lap, with her legs on either side. She moved her hands to his cheeks, running her left hand through his hair, running through his think curls, “I have something to tell you and please don’t be mad at me”. She paused once again, with an emotionless smile on her face, sighed again and began “I just found out”, sighed again and stopped her words, taking a deep breath once again and she tried not to swallow her words once again, “I caught my husband cheating on me”. She stopped her words, took her hands away from him and she moved away from him as he sat there motionless biting his lips and listening to what she was saying.

“tell me something, tell me anything” pleading to him, as he sat there motionless. She tried to grind off him, she got on her knees to get off him, he stopped her, holding her left hand and pulling her on top of him. She fell on top of him, she looked into his eyes, his lips opened slowly which all the while was not moving, “it’s alright, I know what its like to lose someone you love”. She sighed in relief, he could feel her body heaving against him and she closed her eyes and laid her head softly on his bare chest. A soft cry as tears rolled from her eyes onto her cheeks and then on his body, he lifted her chin up, wiping the tears away from her face, “ didn’t we agree on no regrets, no thank you, no sorry”, she nodded softly and threw her hand around his neck and laid her head once again on his chest. It’s been sometime since she had laid there on top of him like this, he stroked through her long dark hair and tried to swallow the words in his mind, but he couldn’t. Before he could begin to say anything, she began to say “do you have to go”, there was pain in her words and he knew of the pain in some way. “not if you want me to” he smiled at her, trying to take her pain away. She looked up to his eyes; she smiled back softly, “please stay”.

He rolled her away from his body and get out of bed, she was on her back looking at him, her chest heaved up and down with a loud sigh and “so all that was just a tease” was the question she managed to ask her after fighting with it inside her mind, watching him get dressed, as he teasingly said “who said I’m leaving” as he winked. She quickly got herself straight up from the bed, “what do you mean”, “now can I have my shirt please” and she replied pleadingly “no, don’t leave me, I’m not going to give you the shirt”, he stood there holding his jean pocket, “do you want me to take you around without a shirt” with a evil smirk on his face. Her face lit up in excitement and then the next second her bright smile went away. He asked her “why the saddened face now”, “well you know why” was her soft sad reply, “no I don’t know why” was his response to her, “you know I can’t be seen out with you”, he stood there with disbelief, “ is that your problem, who said anything about going around in this town”. She was on her knees on the bed, unbuttoning his shirt she was wearing all the while, with a quizzical look on her face she asked “what do you mean”, “I mean we are getting out of this town, I’ve already got a room booked at the hotel”, she was shocked at his words, she paused unbuttoning for a sec, “and when did you plan on telling me this, why don’t you want to stay here with me”. He moved closer to her, she still could smell his perfume on his neck, as she threw her arms around his neck, he tried to take the shirt off her body, “I wanted to surprise you and to tell you the truth, I’m not comfortable in sleeping in another man’s bed”, he was strong with his reply. He took the shirt from her, “come on, let’s get out of here”.

She couldn’t say no to him or yes to him, she was fighting for a reply in her head. She knew she had already crossed the fence and now there was no point in looking back. She pulled herself together and made up her mind, she was going to have the best Sunday. As she was getting dressed, “what about your clothes”, “oh we’ll get something on the way or pick it up on the way”, she surprised herself at saying yes to eloping away from the city, from her house, her bed, which has tormented her all this while, a much needed sinful escape she thought. He was waiting for her until she changed herself to more than skin, stood there watching her robe herself with every piece of garment she needed to get out of the house. She covered herself in embarrassment with her hand and turned her back to face him. “oh, so you shy to show me your nudity to me now”, she replied quickly, “yes I’m” and yet he stood there, “move it” she said with a raised voice followed with a giggle. He was on the large black leather couch, thumbing away a text, she came from behind and pulled the phone away from him, “you are not going to get this until we get back” she put it away in her bag, “let me at least finish the text” he said, she denied him saying, “she can wait until we get back, today you promised to be with me and you better keep that promise”. He sighed and asked her “we all set”, she came close to him whispered in his right as she let her hand wrap around his broad waist “I’ve got something special”, he looked at her with a evil grin once again, “if you say so”. She led him out of her house, pulled her shades down from her head to cover her eyes from the world, but everyone in the building knew her, she was mostly known by her surname.

She was driving seat today, “are we getting your clothes on the way or you picking up the beach shorts I got you last time” she asked him, “oh yes, that’s exactly what I had in mind, let’s go pick up my clothes” was his reply. She sped away close to his and parked closer to his house “I’ll wait here” she said and he got out of the car. He was back in the next few minutes. “so where are we going now” she asked him, he said, “just keep driving”. Soon they were out of the bustling city and the seashore line’s came to their view, she wanted to feel the breeze rush past against her face, she felt an excitement running all over her body, she glanced at him, through her dark shades. “keep your eyes on the road” he said, “you think I can’t keep my eyes on you and the road” she questioned him, “I bet you can” he replied and pulled down his aviators to cover his eyes. They reached the hotel sooner than she anticipated, but she wanted to be one with his skin. He finished up picking the keys and he had gotten the room on the top most floor of the hotel, he picked up her bag and she walked hand in hand with him. Still her shades covering her eyes and hiding her anxiety, excitement, the thought of getting away from the city to a faraway place with him. She never imagined she would be where she is now, but here she was with him. He led the way to the suite, locked the door behind them. He dropped the bags and grabbed from him behind, almost startling her, his lips came down on her fair skin, her long jet black hair was between his lips and her skin, she pulled them away to once again feel his skin touch hers and send thrills all over her body. She pulled his hands tighter around her waist, drawing him closer, his broad shoulders helped him almost cover her from behind; she threw her head back on his shoulder, trying to reach and to nibble his ear, but failing. She turned around to face him, she got out his embrace, he stood there puzzled, she pulled her top over her head and walked to the bedroom, he followed her right behind her, she led him to the room with her hand in his and he gave her fingers a gentle squeeze.

She stood close to the king size bed, waiting for him to come take her, she needed him more. He was like a drug that she could not get enough of, she thought to herself. He came next to her, taking off his t-shirt, “I need to shower” he said, as he walked away from her pulling the towel from his bag, she pulled the towel from his hand “look who’s shy now” she said to him a teasing tone. “you can keep it” and he took off his shorts “and I’m not shy”, winked back at her and kept walking towards to the bathroom and left the door open. She could see him from where she was standing; she was still holding his towel in her hand, watching him get wet was provoking her thoughts to join him. She tried as much to resist the temptation of being there next to him in the shower; finally she gave in, “what the hell” she thought, before she threw the last piece of the silky piece of cloth that was covering her skin. She joined him from behind, running her hands on his broad shoulders, cold was drizzling down his spine, slowly let her hands brush against his body and the guzzling water she reached forward to his chest and held him tight. He could feel her skin one with his one, in a tight embrace she stood there getting herself wet. He turned around put his arms around her, held her tight, lifting up her chin, eyes closed, he moved closer to her lips and stopped just a breath away, she leaned forward, for she longed for his kiss since she got out of the house and now she was in state of euphoria. Her mind told her, this was just the beginning.

Her hands ran wild over his back; his hands held her hip in a steady position as their lips went at each other like lovers who didn’t have a tomorrow, well no one knows what tomorrow brings. Against the gushing water, their skin dashed against each other making the sound of water splash, thrills ran over her body like never before, or at least not in the recent time and she loved every second that she was with him. He gave her that feeling of being wanted, in the back of her mind she knew this was all wrong, but she couldn’t be bothered anymore with the pain and loneliness. She reached up to him on her toes and pushed him against the wall, he was surprised at her move, even she was, like someone else has taken over her body and she liked that feeling inside her. Her hands ran wild through his thick curls, she clutched the end of this curls tight, and his hands were caressing her wet back, her chest now crushed against his strong chest. She brought her left hand down to run on his chest, running her nails on his chest, followed his sigh in pain, they broke off the kiss, he could see 3 small red lines on his chest, she came down to kiss on them, he stepped out of the shower, took the towel from the counter , a large white towel. She stood there facing him, he wrapped the towel around her, tucking the end in on the front and she wrapped one around his waist. He lifted her off her feet to her surprise, “put me down” she squealed, words which fell to deaf ears. “you think I’m not strong enough” he said, “your strong enough, but I’m heavy, now don’t put me down” she quickly threw her hands around his neck.

He walked over to the bed and laid her down slowly, as she rolled to the other end of the bed; the knot that kept the towel around her body came loose. He stood there watching fair wet skin, she tried to cover herself with the towel and he pulled them away from her. He joined her in bed, crawling up to her, as he came on top of her, she loosened the knot that kept his towel at his waist and she was slowly closing her eyes as his lips kept inching towards hers. Her eye lids and she would feel his lips against hers. She longed for this from him, if not for him, she thought it would have been some guy she didn’t even feel anything. Just some random guy who got a lucky screw she thought to her. With him she had a sense of security; she had known him for some time. She let loose of all her fears and hold backs, he let herself free with him, her hands once again ran through this thick wet curl ends, clutching them hard, and other hand running over his back.

He broke from the passionate lip lock, trailing his lips down to her chin, to her neck, as he slowly bit on her neck, a she responded with hers on his neck, very soon something that’s going to be questionable if he went out with high collar. Sighs and hisses of hers filled the room.

~ fat ~

2009-11-02T10:42:00.001+05:30

"dude u've gotten fat / buffed / put on / heavy" is the comment i get from ppl these days who havent seen me in sometime and when we bump into each other. What prompted me to write this, i got this comment twice on one night.. :D had one of those weekend right from friday to sunday partying and yes im standing - at 3 in the morning at work. Fridy night at LUSH ended somewht early, Saturday at Zouk as long hrs into Sunday morning and followed with afternoon at the beach. i actually felt good getting out this much after a very long time..on the other hand, drinking was at all time low, i think the whole of the weekends drink would have summed to my normal one night partyin!! dissappointing on tht account though..

back to the topic, yeh i've gained about 10 since i stopped hitting the gym the last 6 months, eating sleeping sitting in one place, eating sleeping... work routine.. you get the pic, thats wht i've been doing. so that has left my body to expand or rather not fit atleast, not tht im the size of a big pig... well i dont know - 5-10, 80K, dark, bad afro.. wht do u say?!?!? . i've never really bothered until the frequent comments, not that im bothered, just wanted to know how to reply back..? Excuse (keyword) i use is "I've stopped working out" but i dont know how long i can use it for....

- Simple - Thank you?

- more sarcy - You look ugly.

- Simple - Just smile?!?!?

just a bored musing on a monday morning as im about to get off from work (its still 10.30) :-P mmmwwwaaahhhaahah...

on another note - wht do you ppl think of the story so far, i've managed to write 8 chapters, for a guy who failed english in skool. but i can promise the next two chapters would be treat if you'll plan to stick around.. :P or not hehe. you'd have to tell me. my style of writing has changed, i dont know how many like it or dont. want to know what you'll think how its been so far.

Hope everyone had a good weekend (was it trick or treat) and have a good weeek....

~ things will never be the same ~

2009-10-30T18:56:00.001+05:30

She stood up from the bed, he was trying to hold her back with his hand, she turned to look over her shoulder with a smile that didn’t have a definite meaning, yet she began to keep walking towards the sliding door of her balcony. She opened them slightly the cold wind was blowing her hair away from her skin, she opened them even more, he could feel the cold wind brush against his face. The sound of wind blowing from the balcony was filling in the room; he couldn’t bear the silence and the questions that were building in his mind. He still hasn’t gotten the answer to his question, “why is she doing all this for him”, he thought of it enough and he stood up from the bed, moved towards her. He was standing right behind her, his hand stretched out to the railing; his chest leaned against her back resting his chin on her shoulder. Still no words have been spoken between the two, he knew she had an answer to his question but the silence between the two has grown too much and he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He began with a sigh, bringing his hands closer to hers on the railing, he whispered silently in her left ear “you still haven’t answered my question”, she let out a sigh and turned around to face him, with her hands around his neck, her head resting on chest, “can I skip the question” was her reply. He didn’t understand why she didn’t want to answer him, but he was not going to keep pressing the question at her, her tone was such he hadn’t heard before. He knew better now, when to ask a question and not to press at it. He slowly brought his arms around her, holding her tight, “we should go in”, as he tried to turn her, “can we wait here”, and he held her even tighter with a sigh. Few minutes later, she withdrew her hands from his neck, with a smile at the corner of her lips, “its getting too cold, lets go in” as she walks towards the room taking him by his hand. She lets him walk in, pulls the sliding door to shut, the room left chill by the wind, the sound that was filling the room was shut out now. It was only the two of them, a bed, a light, the chill air from the air conditioner, the table beside her bed, a larger mirror on the wall, a closed wooden wardrobe. She draws the curtain close, dims the light, he stood there with his back towards her, she came behind him, she let her right hand slip under his arm and moved in front, when her left reached in front and clutched on his shirt at his shoulder. She held herself tight against him, she needed that warmth and she had forgotten what it likes to be in his arms. He stood there feeling cold at the same time his body was reacting to her closeness.

Her left hand fingers trailed from shoulder to his collar to his top button, only to feel it unbuttoned already as she comes down slowly, as she unbuttons one after the other until its let loose. She takes a step back moving away from his body and taking his shirt off him, he turns around to face her, she takes a step forward, running her fingers through his thick hair, as he comes down to take away the light, she last remembers his dark eyes looking deep into hers before she closes her eye lids. She felt her lips being sealed by his, she felt her heart beat rising, her chest heaving against his and he stood there still unmoved yet. She was wanting for the moment to last; she wanted the time to be still. He felt her waves of intense passion passing through her. He wanted to stop her there, but he couldn’t, he wanted more of her, his hands moved on both sides of her, drawing her close, for the first time he wanted her. They both moved to the bed, her fingers went to the switch right next to the head rest, still locked in each other’s passionate need for that physical intimacy, her fingers stumble upon the switch to turn it off. Brings her fingers back to brush it through his thick hair once again and hold him steady.

Their passion was only getting more tensed as each second passed. He broke away from the kiss, her eyes slightly open, her fair face looks flushed, he noticed that she didn’t have any make up on her and in his mind he thought, and she looked more beautiful than the artificial skin over her real beauty. A soft smile, she asked him “what is that you see new in me today”, he moved his upper body back, resting his hands on the soft bed, she was sitting on top of him, with her legs on either side, he paused for longer than he second, in his mind he had one answer, but his lips blurted out to say something else, “you look more beautiful in this darkness, without any make up, on top of me”, she giggled and feel on his chest throwing her hands around him, she softly kisses on his cheeks, his hands quickly come around her. She whispers in his ear, “do you have any plans for tomorrow morning” still resting her cheek on his, with a soft kiss on he right cheek he replies “if you want me to leave before your husband shows up tomorrow morning, its alright, you can say it straight away”. She moves away from his body and punching his arm, once again she wiggles her hand in a slight pain, “what are you” she pauses and looks deep into his eyes, like the look of a longed lover, “would you like to have some breakfast with me tomorrow” she looks into his eyes for an answer, he pauses, “only if you promise to let you take you next friday night”. She slaps his arm once again, “so your not going to come see me until then”, she giggles softly and falls back on his chest, putting her hands around him pulling him for a tighter embrace, “yes, you can take me out next friday” with that she closes her eyes and resting on his chest, she could hear his heart beat in a perfect rhythm but only against hers. He runs his long finger through her hair softly, until his finger tips meets the end of her long straight her. He fights the thoughts of his only love, for he is with another woman, in her apartment, in her bedroom, with her on top of him. He was letting the guilt run deep into his skin, blood, his mind, he wanted to shatter every memory of her love, the pain, everything about her. Tonight he made a promise to himself; he would never be the same guy he promised he would be forever to his love.

He took her into his arms in a tighter embrace, lifting her body in his arms as he laid her next to him. They both made love, the word love only in the physical sense, into the nights until she retired in his arms, she turned around, letting him snuggle her from behind. Her face blushed, her body feeling weak and tender; she was laying there right next to him. The night’s coldness made her want his warmth more, she pulled up the sheet to cover her body and she was feeling shy for the first time for the night. She pulled his arm around her, her hair was brushing against his face, tickling him and she pulled them in front to cover her naked neck. She closed her eyes within few minutes and he laid there trying to wash away his emotions with guiltiness. He knew that nothing will be the same again. His eyes closed in the following minutes.

His arms felt empty, when he tried to open his eyes, flashes of memory of last night run wild in his head. He managed to draw a smile as he barely opened his eyes and there she stood, waiting with a cup of coffee in her hand. “Rise and shine boy, tired of last night”, she stood there in his white shirt and nothing else, handing him his cup of coffee. He sat up, pulling the sheet over, “morning” he said, he smiled back at him, walked over to her bed, “good morning” she replied. She sat next to him, she pulled his left arm over her and around her neck, he pulled her closer, a soft peck on her lips, she said “thanks for last night, I didn’t think you were going to show up”. He cheekily replied, “though we agreed on no thanks, no regrets”, she shyly replies “yes, I take it back” she kisses him back.

They both enjoy the sunday breakfast in bed. She was in his arm that’s all she wanted of him, his closeness, to make him forget about his pain. She began to say “I have something to tell you”

~ the morning after ~

2009-10-20T20:30:00.004+05:30

A thin ray of light goes across his face, the mid morning warm sunlight making him feel stuffy. Rubs his eyes with his left hand, scrunching his cheeks, trying to open his eyes but failing to, his head resting on an unfamiliar cream colored pillow larger than his usual one. A cold shiver runs across his body, lifting himself off the bed in one jerk, flashes of memory from last night running inside his head, making him remember how he ended up in this bed. Calls out for her in a low voice, soft tone, but nothing other than his own echo filling the room. Getting off the bed in much reluctance, he couldn’t stay any longer; he didn’t have any reason to be there the morning after. Turns his head to his left to the bedside table, to find a large white mug with a yellow post it note under it. A soft hideous grin on his face, he gets off the bed, picks up the mug, pulling the note off bedside table. Reading it in his mind, “ going out to get some stuff, help yourself for some breakfast, car keys on the front table, ill pick it up in the evening, c u soon xoxo, p.s. thanks for last night.” Crushes the paper in his palm as he sips the coffee, looking around for his red sweatshirt and his denim, he finds them on the rack by the side of the bed.

He pushes the curtains aside and the bright sunlight hitting his face making him squint his eyes, brings his arm over his eyes as he turns his back to the light, looking at the cream clean sheet double bed, flashes of memory of last night runs through his mind, running both his through this thick hair, feeling the cream on his fingers, thinks to himself, “he needs to wash off everything from last, but this is not the place” gets into the jeans and pulls the sweatshirt over his head, putting his shoes on in a haste, almost ironic how he began last night, how he was rushing to the cab. Picking up the keys and rushing out to the car at the basement, speeding away from the car park to the roads and finds himself back at his house soon. Opens the door, walking into empty hall, feeling lucky he doesn’t have to answer those pressing question where he was last night to his mother. Picking up the towel he rushes over to the shower. A nice long cold shower to wash away the cream off his hair, the sin of his skin from last night he thought, but this sin was not going wash away from his skin soon. His phone screen starts flashing of a name, not sure if he should pick up the phone, picks it up with no second thought as seconds pass. “Hey baby, where are you” a sweet soft voice on the other end, “just got home and after a shower, thanks for last”, she cuts him short, “no thanks, no regrets, got it?” in a more stern and pressing tone. “fine, no regrets, no thanks, can I take you out for dinner”, “is this a pity dinner or is this a cue card for round 2” in a more sheepish tone from her. “I want to see you”, ill come pick you up from home”, she cuts him short again with long sigh “no, come over, I’ll cook, I’m not that bad”, “ok, see you at 8?” she replies, with a sigh he replies “sweet, see you at 8”

Feeling drowsy, he finds himself on the bed, flash of memory of last night strikes him once again of how he was on another bed, skin to skin, chill air filling the room, the way her fingers went over his back, pulling him on top of her, his large frame covering the light from the overhead dimmed lights. His hands resting on the soft mattress, her finger nails trailing over his spine, as she finds her finger tips on the ends of his curly hair, as she tangles his hair around her index finger and letting rest of her fingers of her right hand to hold his head steady by his hair, as he moves closer to her pout lips. He shakes his head and pulls a pillow over his head and letting eyes his close with the light fading away from his window blinds as the sunsets. Time pass, opening his eyes half way through after he feels a vibration close to the pillow, his phone screen blinking the name of the sad puppy face friend from the club. “hi” in a stern voice, “hello” back in a sleepy tone, “thanks for standing me up last night, I called to say I don’t want to talk to you again, bye” in a want to be rough tone. “Oh well like I said I had to go somewhere and got held up” replies still in a much sleepy tone, “what time is it” he asks. She rudely cuts him off, “why are you late to go somewhere, if you are, I’m happy”. “Oh come on, I’ll tell u later what happened, can I know what time is it?, “it’s half past 8”, he raises himself from the bed in one jerk, “what”, she replies quizzical “what, I said it’s half pat 8”, “oh shit I’m late”, she cuts off him again, “late for what, for your man whore shift?” in a much more rude tone. “I don’t have time for this, and you wouldn’t get it, I’ll call you later, I got to run”. She almost barks at him, “FINE, HOPE YOU GET NOTHING TONIGHT”, he replies to her “oh I love you too, call you tomorrow” hangs up in a haste and rushes to the shower, out of if in a whisk. Picking up the white shirt with blue pin stripes, something that he picks up for a night out in his relaxed jeans, rushes out of his door to the car and speeding away in the direction of the lady in red lingerie in the high tower of the city.

Straightens down his shirt, hiding the bunch of flowers and bottle of champagne behind him which he picked up in haste on the way; knocks on the door softly, “come in, its open” was the soft answer from other side of the road, he pushes the door with his foot, as he walks in and locks the door behind him. She walks up to him, throws her right hand over his neck, pulling him close to her, “you are late” with her cheek on his. “well I went to pick you these and they did take time” as he hands her the flowers, only a state of shock on her face with a slight blush, “you shouldn’t have” as she take the flowers from his hand, puts both her hands around his neck and pulls him for a closer hug, a little longer this time. She leads him to the leather couch, another sudden flash of last night, he pauses for a second as she leads him and pushes him to the couch. He flops down on the cushy leather couch, “no lights?” half quizzical and half amused why the lights were out, was the only question he could come up with. “Do I even have to answer that question?” was her quick witty reply. She walks into the dim of the kitchen, he pulls himself from the couch to walk towards the curtains thats hiding the light that’s light up the city and tonight he watches the same city only difference is the 15 floors.

Her finger tips crawling on his shoulder, feeling her nails even over his shirt, he puts his arms behind him to pull her closer as he softly falls on his back and right hand going over his shoulder and the other around his waist. She stays on for a little longer, both stand motionless; her head resting on his shoulder, his eyes fixed on the moving and still lights of the city, it was like watching abstract art in motion he thought. She pulls her hands slowly away from him; she pats him on his hard back, “let’s have dinner, hope you are hungry”, she questions him with soft smile drawn on the corner of her lips, “hope you didn’t cook” was his quick reply, as he finishes his words her right fist punches to his rib, only to withdraw her hand wriggling them in air in slight pain, “what are you?” as she moves away and pulling him along with her by her hand, he picks up the bottle of champagne as he passes the leather couch. A table set for two, lit by only a candle in the dead center, he sits her down and joins opposite her. “Your last chance of backing out from my awful cooking”, she says with half a smirk, “I think ill take my chances” was his quick reply. “Oh my goodness, I never knew you could cook so well”, was the compliment he could give her. He could still make out that she was blushing, even in this darkness. They wrap up dinner quick and he goes to settle on the couch with her larger screen on her wall lighting up the room a little more. She cleans out the table in haste as she puts them away behind the kitchen door which she closes and walks over to him. She slides slowly on the arm of the couch as she slips on top of his lap, pulling her dress down over her exposed fair thighs. “Hey no peaking” as she move his face away from her thighs to face her. He can only draw a large grin, looking deep into her eyes, pushing his hands around her waist, her hand holding his face in a still position, still looking deep into her eyes, “what are you getting from this?” was a question he has been wanting to ask. A soft sad smile was her reply, “I want to know why” he was persistent and he wasn’t going to let go. “You want to know why” and a pause before her next words.

~ bloggers i've met (tagged) ~

2009-10-18T18:06:00.001+05:30

Well not alot...Sorry to disappoint. only two blogger i know personally or in real is the all popluar *drum roll, loud trumpet, multicolored balloons, fireworks, u know the whole works*.....

your none other than...

~ LADY DIVINE ~ well i know her ever since i've been in sl (minus 1yr), been in the same skool. we kinda lost touch after i quit skool early, but bumped into each other and after work n different paths, totally lost touch until we met online..wonders of msn, we wre back together talking away..through my turmoils n female drama's.. i think she was like the first few of my reader of emo posts, back then i was scribbling on myspace is it.. cant even remember(was limited to only a very very very few ppl). She is indeed DIVINE i tell you, one of the most sweetest ppl i've met in ma life, who is there to listen any time..

~ Thacks ~ the second blogger, 1st stranger to meet in person. Very nice guy, damn down to earth, always has words of wisdom like a older brother. met him a couple of times i think before he left to another land. awesome designer, all you ladies should get in touch with him, but he has to come after me. deal?!? hehe im glad i did meet him.

i think the post ends there... :) sadly i've not met anyone in person though i know a few ppl more than whats said in the blog i guess.

First few ppl who happen to drop on the blog, after the move was:

Sweet Idiot - She was like the first to comment on my initial days of public posting(move over from spaces to blogger and added to kottu)

Evil Lankan ~ he was the first to comment on my post n we kinda clicked. he was like the older version of then evil me.. :D guy has not posted anytin in a long long time. wonder wht he is doing now!!

then came along Featherman, Thacks and lot of ppl to the recent more ones..

I know this post is like the worst of wht i've written so far, been in draft for over 2 weeks i think.. i just want to get rid of it.. until i move to the next ones.

how come no one said anythin about the latest chapter..?!?! skipped out on everyone or was it boring?!?!

~ get me out of this club ~

2009-10-07T08:50:00.001+05:30

The purple laser lights keeps lighting his face up every second n then and in between a red. He sips his poison from the short and fat glass. This is his second for the night. Taking the last draw of the poison looks into the empty glass and somehow his reminds of him eventually. He is going to be that empty glass eventually. Music blaring loud, the tunes which he danced to happily, endlessly into the wee hours until he has had too many to drink too many to stand straight and legs starts to go numb from moving on the floor, but not tonight. His head usually nodding to the sound of beat, his fluid legs moving suave on the floor, none of it today, his left hand stuck in his left jean pocket, his right on the glass holding it tighter, as he holds it up to the barmen nodding his head for another, his legs stuck in one place like two pillars of a fortress. The barman pours right from the bottle, looks into the poison bashing against the glass and filling up, still waiting to fill more than the last time he filled it, asks him to stop when it reaches almost half the glass, “rough night boy?” asks the elderly barman, his usual. Nothing other than a soft sad smile on this face as reply, the barman nods back. A mutual pain understood by each other. Picks up the mixer, just a little to mix with the poison, way less than the time he started tonight. He came out for all out tonight, he looks over his shoulder, making sure his friends having a good time. He isolated himself from them; he didn’t want to drag them down with his sorrow. Nods his head at one of them, the one who has been watching over him, helping him silently cope with all the pain, she waves at him to come over imitating a sad puppy face. He turns his head back, feeling a strain on his neck, takes another sip of his favorite poison, making him feeling a little sick, scrunching his face, holding his muscles tight, takes another long sip from the glass. Feeling a burning sensation rushing down his gut making him remember he hadn’t had anything to eat since afternoon. Looks to his right, known by face, unknown by names, smiles at them, returned with a nod and smile. Goes back to sipping his poison, feeling long slim fingers running on his back, all the way up to his neck, as he slowly turns his head and his body follows.

A well too familiar face with a sheepish grin, “hey babe” as her right hand goes over his neck, drawing him closer, his right around her waist and left around her back as she pecks on both his cheeks, a smile on the corner of his lips. “Drinking alone?”, “well no, my friends are over there”, still her hands over his shoulder, his around her waist, change in the music track, she turns her to face him with a sheepish grin and pulling him away from the bar, his feet still like two pillars, she turn around to him, “come on, your coming to dance with me”. Pushing himself off the bar stand rest and follows her to the fiber glass dance floor. His feet still doesn’t move much, she comes closer, turns around, taking his hand around her hips, whispers softly into his left ear “where’s my favorite dance partner?” replies only with a smirk as he rolls her out and pulls her back to knock against his body, twirls her around over head and pulls her back, her right hand going over his shoulder and holding him close, he whispers in to ear, “he’s here”. His feet thudding on the floor to the beat, as he swings her out, pulling up his sleeves on his sweatshirt, holding on to his buckle as he bust a move, swirling around her and his hand holds on her hip from behind, making her groove along with him as his hip moves left to right back n forth. She remembers how he moves, his feet does its twist and thudding on the fiber glass floor, raises his head up accidently brushing his lips over lips. He stood there frozen for a second; the DJ changes the track to heavier beat, his favorite track, a slight screech in awe, as she jumps up n down. A slight relief for him, as she takes the change in role in being the dance partner, swirling around him as she enacts the song, lends her hand out and pulling him closer turns her back to him, her hands around his neck, pulling him closer as he runs hands from her hip to the front of black deep neck top.

His heart skips a beat as he feels her hip tensely going against his hip, her right hand holding hold on his hand even closer, pulling them more closely. He twirls her out of his arm, to face her, her face slightly blushed, he could make that out even in this darkness with different shades of color running over her face n body. He glances below her neck, down to her bosom as he races his eyes back to her face. He turns his head the other way in embarrassment; she traces his eyes and even when it came back to her face. She walks closer to him, pulling him by his sweat shirt collar, almost as if a whisper in his ear among the musci she hushes out "let’s get a drink". He turns around and takes her hand in his, she stands still and then walks up to him when he stands still, whisper in his ear “drink only, you and me, say bye to your friends, will be waiting outside, don’t keep me waiting”. As she walks away from him from the floor, dodging other happy people, he looks around to see more couple in each others arms, faces sunk into necks, hands running over backs, shakes his head for a reason he didnt know.

Walks up to his bartender, pulling out his wallet, handing out the plastic, “calling it an early night son?” was the shot from him, “ya, I got company” was his reply, “you picking up the tab on the table of your friends?”, “ya, what ever has been ordered, taking it on the card”. Signs off the slip and takes the couple of notes to tip off his bartender, “have a good night”. He pulls out his phone and texts his friend, the one with puppy face who asked him to come over, “Sorry, I got to run out for a while, will be back soon, don worry about the drinks, it’s on me, enjoy it while I come back.” He takes the bottle of champagne and heads straight at the dark green overhead light board 'EXIT'.

As he walks out, the music shuts behind him, shaking his head to get his hearing to meet the ambience, hearing a horn, as he looks ahead, she waves for him. Walking over with the champagne and he gets in from the passenger side. Lifting up the bottle, “got your favorite drink, still like it don’t you?” she kisses him on his cheek, “save the sweet talk honey, its going to be a long night” as she wheels off from the gravel strip leading out from the gates of the club. Quickly making her way to her apartment car park, locking the car, as they both make it to the lift, level 15 lights up when she swipes her card, making it out of lift together, as he runs his left arm around her waist, pulling her closer and kissing on her soft hair. She opens the door, walks him in and locks it behind him. Make yourself comfortable, let me freshen up, as she starts to walk away from him, he pulls her by her hands, she stumbles and falls on him, she softly pats his chest, biting her lips, “what’s the hurry?”, she pats him once again, this time on arms, softly running her right hand over his neck, a soft peck of her lips on his cheeks, his hands running around her back. She leans forward getting on her toes and reaching up to him whisper in ear, “ill make sure, it’s worth the wait”. As her lips trail to his cheeks her hand comes away from his neck and he lets go of her. Watching her walk away from him, into the room, a dim light comes out through the door left open. He shakes his head in disbelief, picks up his phone from his jean pocket, 1 new message, reads it in his head, “thanks so much for stranding us”. Putting his phone back into his pocket not before he turns it to silent, sitting down on the couch, the leather couch, he rests his head on the head rest.

Not knowing his eyes closed, only to be tingled by neatly manicured finger nails, trailing on his neckline. Opening his eyes and sitting up to watch her walk over in front of him wearing red and black lacy lingerie. “special night?” only to be answered, “just for you”, sitting on the arm of the chair, as she runs her fingers through this thick hair, ruffling his curls. She slides onto his lap, and crossing her legs over to the other side of the arm rest. “You do know I was just dumped and this could mean a lot of things in a lot of different ways” she lifts her face up to him holding his face in her left hand and her right on his neck. Reaching in closer, he looks into her eyes, his arm around her waist, pulling her up to him, her smaller frame trying to fit along with his big frame. Her cheek resting on his large palm, as she softly brushes in them. Her eyes closes as he draws her even closer, holding his lip just a breath away from hers, his waiting wears off as she closes on his lips, slowly biting on his lower lip. He feels her finger tip clutching to the curl ends as her lips moves more intense on his and his on hers.

~ stepping out of the door ~

2009-09-29T21:33:00.001+05:30

He meant it every time he told her that he loved her. In his blank, non expressive eyes, his still face, his heart skipped a beat each time the words slipped out his mouth, “I love you”. But that was not enough for her, it’s been a few weeks, he’s heard it more than he can count, “he never loved her”. He tried to put it all behind him and still tries to be there for her with everything that she is going through but it was falling apart. He didn’t know how else to remind that he loved her, or even how much he loved her. Sometimes he didn’t want to remind her about them. He tried not his best, but he tried to make it work out between them. He needed her more than she needed him, he wished he had told her all that, but being so to himself, he never told her enough. Each time she puts the blame on him, his mind keeps playing “put the blame on me”. He wanted to suck away all her anger, her pain, her guilt from her into him. He wanted to let her free just like she wanted to be. He was never going to say anything back to her. He just took it all into him.

Weeks pass, still the finger pointing at all the things he hadn’t been for her, he hadn’t loved her as much as she loved him. Every word sent a cold sting up his spine, freezing each time she spoke of all he was not for her and how he had made her leave him. He never wanted her to leave; he only knew she deserved more, something he couldn’t give her at that time. He doesn’t want to regret, not yet, that he didn’t stop her. It’s a choice she chose he thought, for which he said he would be there for her no matter what happened between them. He had lost the most important person in his life, he feels a strong blunt spike into this heart, he does not know to reply to her, only to watch her type away her anger, her disappointment, her misery of the time to be without him and the decision she was forced to make in that tiny little blue window, the window might be tiny, but it was the world for them.

He couldn’t live with the guilt; he wanted her to move on from the blaming and all that has happened. Both have started seeing each other in a different way, a whole different way that they have not seen each other. She meant a lot to him now, more than before, even when she left him. But he wouldn’t tell her anything. Only in his mind does her miss her more than ever, he wanted her back, but the words were not meant to come out, for it was too late for him to say anything now. She pushed him to the limits beyond anyone else has, he tried to keep everything inside him, he bottled it all up, sulked in his own solitaire of loneliness which not many knew of. He lived every moment from the day she left him thinking about her, he wouldn’t tell her, for she is far away than ever and didn’t want him. She thought he wouldn’t stand a chance to fight for her. She even told him so many times, “you didn’t want me, you never wanted me”. Every time she said that he wished she would hear her own self those words, but only returned only silence. He was not going to fight anymore. His heart now cold with the love he had for her, the memories of her to last for eternity. He meant to let it all go, give into her and absorb everything that she wanted to let out.

Days pass by, less spoken between each other, starting with a caring “hi” turns to heated finger pointing of all that she is going through cause she had to leave him and having to go through it alone. At every popup message in that tiny little window, his fingers starts to tremble, his mind not steady anymore to keep up with her. He wanted to just close the window and leave without even telling her, but he couldn’t, he was too weak for her. He couldn’t hurt her anymore; he promised that he would be there for her no matter what. He thought a promise that he would give his everything to keep. He didn’t know where to draw the line of being her ex-boyfriend, a friend in any case, he had gone passed a level from being just a friend, to a boyfriend, even more than she would ever know. His thoughts no longer clear, a tear at the corner of his each time he thinks about her. He said it too many times inside his head “she is gone, it’s your fault, and what are you crying about now”. He could never answer his own question in his. He blindly trusted to be his forever; time taught him another lesson “no one lasts in your life forever” and this was the endless time that he lost something he cared about. Nothing hurt like this one, he’s been hurt, he was starting to get use to it, until she turned up, “it’s going to be alright”, and he doesn’t know what it all means to him anymore. His nights was filled with her voice in his head, one voice asked for the voice to be out of his, while another longed, cried to hear her voice over and over again in his head. He was no longer the one who can keep her voice, he thought to himself “it’s time to let go, she is no longer yours”.

On another lonely friday evening, his eyes glued to the large screen in front of him, but his mind just wondering elsewhere, thoughts about her run wild in his head, he couldn’t control it anymore, burst into soft cries, he eyes could not hold back the tears that were flowing out. He felt weak for crying out; he felt that he is left with nothing now, no meaning, no purpose, crashing his fist hard to the wall to his side, a loud thud, he did not feel any pain in his bleeding knuckles, another one follows and another like a boxer in a rage title match, throwing his last punch to win by knockout keeps jabbing his fist into the wall, he didn’t not feel anything yet for the pain in his heart and mind was too much. He stops after few spots of blood on the plain cream wall, looks at his knuckles bleeding, the skin peeled off, his sobbing calming down slowly, tears run dry on his cheek now. He couldn’t keep it inside him anymore; he needed a drink, a strong one. Picks up his phone as he scrolls down to a name he was too familiar on a friday night, sends a text message “you heading out tonight? Could do a drink, you up for it?” he didn’t wait for a reply, he picked up the towel, headed to the shower, as the cold water runs through his hair, trickling down his spine and on his face, waiting to wash the tears away, soft sobs taking over his body, couldn’t control it, lets out with the water running on his body. Throws his head back, letting it wash away it tears, closing his eyes, memories flashing in his head, making him remember of a weekend, a cold shower he would never forget in his lifetime, opens his eyes in a fast motion, like a nightmare, with the water running to his eyes making them hurt as he closes it once again and the flashes of images in his head of the shower once again.

Drying himself off the cold water, goes to check on his phone, 1 New message, picks up to read, “anytime for you hun, meet you at the club at 11”, puts it back on the table, checking the time, just about right time, pulls out his red sweatshirt, his bleached out jeans and his favorite baller shoes. Just as he gets ready, his phone starts blinking, 1 New message, “I’m already here”, puts on his shoes in a hurry as he dashes out of his house for the cab that is on his waiting. Gives direction to the driver short and to the point. Never liked the small talk except for the few regular drivers the cab company sent on his request, this one was a new one. His patience was wearing thin, just about when he was around the corner of the club. He gets outs to get into the club, walks in to find a lot of familiar face. Walks himself to the bar as he sees the familiar bartender on shift, no time for pleasantries tonight he thought to himself. “make it a stiff one” he said with a sly smile. He didn’t care who was there, who wasn’t, he needed his drink tonight, anything else is just a bonus he thought. Looking around as he take a long draw on the glass, his eyes scrunch, cheeks tighten as he send the poison down his throat sending a burning sensation an turning around to have purple laser lights going right across his eyes making him squint, flashes of colors in front of his as he asks the bartender to get onto the second one. Picks up his phone as he feels it vibrate, another alert, 1 New message, “where are you?” as he replies, “at the bar, come over.” Slips it back into his jean pocket and drawing another short draw on the poison in his hand.

~ glitches ~

2009-09-29T08:08:00.001+05:30

so yea, im messing around with my blog layout n design, please do excuse me if things go missing.. :)

on a brighter (or not) chapter 5 & 6 are completed. chapter 5 is done with editing, so will be up shortly, 6 will follow soon pending on comments on 5.. :P (in case anyone is wondering wht im talkin about, its the continuation of chapt 1, chapt 2, chapt 3, chapt 4)

hows the week going for everyone?

~ desktop ~

2009-09-27T14:21:00.001+05:30

Been wanting to put my messy desktop for sometime.. so here is its, a lil cleaned!!

Notice any change to the blog?!?!?!

~ originals (of the crap) ~

2009-09-12T16:22:00.003+05:30

I know a few wud wanna bash me up now for calling my own work CRAP, who's a better critic than yourself.. :).. so here's the actual work on paper n pen. not the best of tools. but wht i manage to get my hands on at work..besides im suppose to be working right.. not drawing crap.. :D here's the one i uploaded earlier, with digital clean up. hope you'll like this.. or not.. :)

~ sketches (crap) ~

2009-09-09T19:43:00.003+05:30

Here's some of the crap sketches i do when im utterly bored at office.. :D these were initially on paper now scanned and few digital edits. more on the wy unless u really ask me to stop with the posting of these :D hehehe. think ill post link to deviantart and upload the stuff there..

~ to me love is (tagged) ~

2009-09-08T13:16:00.001+05:30

following the tag by santhoshi. after reading alot of what others bloggers had to say about love, gets me kinda wondering, is it small gestures that makes a person lovable or is it just ur inner feeling towards someone, something?

~ having my niece n nephew hug me when i go to visit them and chat with them.
~ my mom getting up very early morning just to make coffee before i go to work.
~ hugging those special friends.
~ giving someone in times of needy and walking away content.
~ and the same person saying thanks and meaning it.
~ being pampered by aunts, grandmom and grown up cuz's and cuz's husbands/wifes.
~ taking the lil cuzs out once in a while and mocking around at home even.
~ mum sometimes hugging you for no reason.
~ getting a text or seeing tht special someone(s) online.
~ your friends asking you to stop being insane atleast from now on, year after year on ur b'day card.
~ listening to the special someone say how you look good when you took the time to dress up for that person.
~ giving / getting hugs for no reason.
~ getting a call / msg from someone you havent heard the voice or not known the where about in a long time.
~ fighting for no reason and having to make up for it with cute talk.
~ messing up the hair of someone special.
~ lying on my mom's lap / belly watchin tv/movie.
~ the look on ppl's face who use to carry you when u wre a lil kid now awed at your size and looks.
~ spending even your last penny to make someone smile, knowing you've got walk to the take the bus instead of the tuk tuk.
~ being utterly broke, no way to call, you write a note to say you love someone.
~ wished, cared by strangers whom you havent met in your life on your b'day, breakdown/happy times.
~ being tagged by ppl :)

i dont think i have anyone left to be tagged... i know im late.. :D
just back in sl and back at work... :'(

~ oh yeh its gone ~

2009-08-25T13:21:00.002+05:30

Dont think ill get much of seeing places or enjoying the break im getting. i have to stay bed ridden for sometime now, dont know for how long though. suffering from ankle arthritis on both ankles.

Hey Angel doc - any idea how long i wud have to taking rest. so much for a break n holiday on no pay.

but i guess this was meant to happen one of these days.

so how has rest for the bloggers been?!?!

just thought i'd drop a line on the update.

~ going going gooonneee ~

2009-08-21T07:19:00.004+05:30

Well not yet. I'm still in sl :P will be leaving in a while, with just my laptop n my clothes. I so love travelling alone compared to accompanying my mom. Her min luggage is 3 baggages. I use to hate it when i had to travel with her. Now i get her the tickets n drop her at the airport.. I never book my tickets for the same flight :D MEAN SON i'm u may say.. >:) tooo bad.

oh btw the planned surprise has been spoiled by someone. i'm yet to find out the culprit and have some of my fist(if only i can give tht in real).

Going to be flying Kingfisher, lets see if all the haa hoo meets my standards. yet to see a airhostess who make me drop dead right on spot, then n there. will i be lucky atleast this time.. :(

Does anyone need anything.. :)..

This is turning out to be most expensive holiday im taking, since im going on NO PAY. Hope its all worth it, and i need one.. havent done a holiday in 3yrs. No wonder im so cranky n uptight.

so you'll ppl, do drop by. might upload pics and short news flashes... take care n love to all.....i think im already high on the thought im going on a holiday.. :D

~ recent things ~

2009-08-17T15:27:00.003+05:30

I think this post shud go as the part II of this post. Cos thats what i've been so far, or maybe i have too many things running in my head and only with 4hrs of sleep my energy is drained out and im like a walking zombie. I think i need to go see a doc..not this DOC, though i think she would be good too :P hehehe. Seriously lacking sleep and having to wake up at 2.30 in the morning just adds on to that. Finally i thought i had enough of this and I did quit ma work, thought of going unemployed for a little while and get my own lil teeeny weeeny business venture up n running. But the company wanted me to stay back(after accepting my resignation) to go into the technical division with alot of red tapes and pay cut. i also needed a paycheck for the start up cash :D. so i have to put up with the lack of sleep and drained out health issues, pay cut when i move to technical division for couple of months or so or a miracle doc needs to come save me to help me have it all :D i know no one can have it al.

That being said, im still experimenting with my new toys. Shud post some pics once have somethin i can really post up without having to make myself look stupid n embarrass myself.. :D

Also might be gettin a break from everything for 2 weeks. A holiday(after 3yrs), hopefully i'd get ma passport in time, that is on or before thursday!! flying away to India on friday.. hope i dont jinx it.. :( be back in couple of weeks. got a wedding & mommy is turning 50. she doesnt know i'm coming :D heheh another heart attack for her..whoooppppyyy...its suppose to be a surprise.. and hopefully it stays tht wy. I wonder if i even want to get to 50?!?!? tht seeems like eternity to me. We've had our differences, but its hey its still mommy. she wud be herself.. and i would be me. so hopefully everything goes to plan.

just wanted to drop in and say hi... what have you folks been upto? had a good weekend?

~ 24 - II ~

2009-08-09T15:54:00.004+05:30

So yes, this years celebration was actualy lack thereof :-(. Was sick since wednesday, so didnt have the energy to do anything. Was working on my birthday, sick, working and was pushed really over the edge. Couldnt take it anymore, called in sick the next day. Rested it off.. the best part of the bad start of my b'day weekend ended with gifts from few friends collectively.. im still awed!!
G-pen 450 & Lide 100

Apparently its not for me.. :D its for the business im working on my own. A big help from my friends. Thanks boys & grls. :D

Setting the toys aside, like i said, one of the low key birthday's i've had. No clubbing, no drinking, and wht not.. :( DULL is not the word..cant wait to get ma cut, put ma shoes and get those red sweatshirts out.. ;-)

hope everyone else had a good weekend..more work(tshirts you might/might not see in stores) to be posted soon.

~ 24 ~

2009-08-06T05:30:00.003+05:30

ok.. here i go again. another boring post. havent been really able to write anything at al. only writing that i do is in a chat window and work i guess :D.

leaving aside my boring work life, and social too :P just turned 24, well its abt 6 hrs since i turned. hehee..i know lame post!!

question? i was thinking about someone last night, just before i was closing my eyes, things were running in my mind about how much she talks death is more easier than what she went through and going. slept off. woke up to check for msgs if anyone left any offline msgs. there she is, after a long time, left a offline, to say "i had a bad dream about you, please take care of yourself" & wishes for my b'day.. and im like shocked..and i didnt know wht to say... im still tryin to figure out...

4msgs n 2 pre b'day wishes so far!! and im so pissed with someone for a one line, 3 word text msg to wish me.!!!your so not gettnig a treat!!!

ok back to work.. :-( anybody willing to join for drinks..??

~ pick one ~

2009-07-25T16:08:00.006+05:30

ok, i've been very indecisive and lot on my plate at the moment, one step at the time is not going to work this time. :) before i go insane, can i get a vote on which one looks good as for logo for new brand to rock your town(Colombo for now)..

Please do let me which one shud make on the tshirt your going to be wearing soon.. :-)

~ to continue or not ~

2009-07-15T15:40:00.003+05:30

Been wondering if I should continue on the short story that i've been writing for a while.

Here's the re-cap:

Chapter1: ~ coffee date ~

Chapter2: ~ leaving on a jet plane ~

Chapter3: ~ 6 months ago ~

Chapter4: ~ i'm with you ~

so comments.. if you'll still interested in reading more? but this time it wud be more organised and timely post for sure :P

back to list of things to do.. :)

~ mock tattoos ~

2009-07-13T21:15:00.004+05:30

Here you go LD.. long time over due.

Not ur final tattoo that i want to give out..but somethin in the mean time.. :)

Hope you like it..

~ angel with a pitchfork ~

2009-07-13T20:24:00.004+05:30

Just a mock around.. ;-)

~ braids ~

2009-07-09T09:51:00.005+05:30

Got em couple of weeks back.. ;-)

Indyana, if your still reading, here's the update.. that you asked for sometime back..

So there you go peeps.. see me on the road.. do say hi.. :)

This post comes up.. as im utterly bored in office!!

~ lazziiieee ~

2009-07-08T06:24:00.003+05:30

That's what I've been upto all along, except for the blog title pic changed to custom made(by moi). That's cos i had to take a day off being sick *cough cough* :-D

I have a whole list of things to catch up upto, on top of it:

Paper work on the new business

Designs

Logo (done a couple, not happy / not striking)

Tattoo Design for LD

Tattoo mod for Black

most of all get some f'ing sleeeep!! Proper Sleep!! i get through a day with only 4hrs of sleep MAX, sometimes only 2, like today morning!! Specially having to wake up at 3 so i can be at work at 4 in the morning, very much ticks me off, and the checkpoints and the tuk tuk a'hole driver who keeps going into every manhole he can find on the galle road!!! ARRRGGHHHH, im abt to go BALLISTIC!!! TRANSFORMER BALLISTIC(watched it twice yesterday.. one after the other!! Back to not enough sleep, this is bad, cos my health has been all time low, been falling sick week in week out.. sometimes within a couple of days even, catching cold easily and what not. When i dont get enough sleep, i get more annoying, less tolerating of the nonsense ppl try to throw around me, i get into a mode very much defensively OFFENSIVE, i dont care a 2 cents abt wht i want to say.. and wont regret it mind you. Guess that's enough warning, but then again, not even a few of the ppl around me read this blog, so the warning goes down the drain. *fake a smile, fake a smile*..whooooozaaa whoooozaaaa..

Ok back to work...

Comments on the blog title pic??

~ tribute ~

2009-06-17T06:39:00.005+05:30

Here's something to the a few blogs that i love reading and first of my digital artwork ~

Lady Divine - A long time reader / skool friend / ....

Disease ~ been on the reading list for a long time..and has been gr8 with his words of wisdom

Black ~ a new artist / writer. this is for her army :P

More to follow for the readers or on request..

Hope you'll like it..

~ i'm with you ~

2009-06-16T07:00:00.006+05:30

It’s been two weeks since he heard her voice, since she left him on the jet plane to far away. Counting each second as it passes by, his mind filled the images of the time they both had spent together, of what they spoke of into the late hours of the night after his tiring days at office. His office has kept him busy lately, but he still doesn’t fail to check for a message or a call from her. Wonders in his mind where could she gone missing, clouded thoughts in his head – “if she has gotten sick again”, “if something had happened to her”. He knows of her medical condition, which throws them apart for weeks, which kills him most that he was not there for her before, and what kills him more that he cannot be there for her at her worse. He hopes for the best and dives back to the screen, emails to reply to, project planning, costing, and everything that was laid out for him on his table. He tired many times for her mobile, which doesn’t respond, but this time, he picks up his mobile on his desk, dials out her number. A long silence, his mind blank with the phone held close to his ear, suddenly a “hello”, a familiar voice, a voice that brings out a smile in him any day. Almost jumps out of his seat, returns his happy “HI”, “where have you been”, “why haven’t you even called me”, “what happened to you”, questions thrown at her breathlessly. “hold on, hold on, catch a breath” was her reply. “I’ve been busy darling, my internet is disconnected, my phone was disconnected as well, that why I’ve not been able to call you, I’m sorry”. A long sigh from him, “do you know how much I missed you?”, “what have you done to the guy the who was head strong and was shy to tell you I missed you”, a loud laugh from her was the only reply. His heart felt much relieved like nothing before, he wondering how to wipe that stupid smirk off his face, each time she kept in waiting to talk to him. The conversation ended oh how much she missed him, since she has come back.

Leaves his phone back on his desk, getting back to the routine work, emails, and the many documents to finish before he can leave office. His mind swings back to the minutes that had passed by, thinking about how much he had missed her, since she left, no matter how bad his day may have been, thinking about her only draws a smile on his face – a silly grin on his face each time he thinks about her. Shaking his head in disbelief, wondering what has happened to him with her. Still something disturbing him in the back of his mind, wondering what could it all mean, an uncertainty in his mind. A week passes by with no voice from her, with no words from her online. Working draining his energy and patience, waiting for her everything taking a toll on him, only wants to hear her voice and know she is doing fine. Just a few words with her for a day was his only hope but that’s not what he got. His phones beeping with a name with he had not expected, someone was back in the island, the other end of a dagger – his friend, his worst nightmare all together, the only other person who can easily draw a smile on him. Both plan to meet for lunch, she wants to know all about his relationship, she more than happy for him, more excited than him, that he is going out someone, a steady relationship. She listens to how they both met, how it all started, how much he misses her since she left and how both have been on the edge and not sure of their future. She listens to it all, shakes her head in disbelief, something doesn’t fit in the puzzle for her, and she tries to hide it in herself. He knows to read her through, only to drill more and more and finally she speaks out, “I don’t think she is the one for you, I’m sorry to say it”, “I’m happy for you, you know that, but something’s not right, you need to talk to her.” He just wonders she just said, “are you saying she is not the one for me?”, she replies “I don’t mean in that sense, I think you need to think it threw, you need to be sure if she is really into you and if this is what you want as well, something’s not right”. She was leaving the next day, so little time did they have to speak to each other.

Weeks pass by; still catch each only on a minute or two call with each other. His patience wears real thin with her, on a late afternoon call, he asks her “why are you avoiding me?”, she replies with a long sigh, “nothing darling, I’ve just been really busy with uni and working and tutoring, bills to pay, I’m not doing anything on purpose”, he tries to smile and believe her, but he knows her better – “come on, you can always tell me, I think I can handle what’s keeping you away from me”, a long silence from her, he tries to make her say something , anything – an answer to her silence, her space from him, “hello, knock knock, anyone there?”, “no one here, go away” was her reply. He knew instantly that there was something wrong, something has been troubling her too much to keep away from him, his desire to know only grew. He thinks of what to say, he knows to tick her both ways, he only wants to know an answer, before he could speak out, she speaks out “mom wants me get married soon, she has been pushy”. He tries to take a deep breath but only to stop in the middle and tries to think what he wants to say to her, words rush from his lips - “so let’s get married, tell mom you’ve already have a guy”. No reply from her, few seconds pass by, her reply comes after a sigh, “you know it’s not that easy and you think my mom would just listen to what I say”. Before she could say anything, “don’t you want to be with me?” was the words that come out from him. He knows he shouldn’t have asked her that, but he wanted her to say it out loud to him, she replies “you know the answer to the question, why do you even have to ask that”, he tries to calm her down, “I just wanted to know”. “I’ve got to go now, sorry, I’m in the middle of tutoring someone, lets talk later about his, got to go honey, I’m really sorry” was her quick reply, and before he could say anything the line just disconnects. Holding on to the phone even after the line has been disconnected; he grows furious within him for being such a stupid jerk of asking her if she wanted to be with him, he answers himself, “do you think she would have asked you out if she didn’t want to be with you, you stupid idiot”, a loud groan in his head. He pushes himself back to the busy work life that’s been draining his time and energy.

Fewer words were spoken between the two about her mom wanted to see her in marriage. Each time they both speak, each one tries to hint about it, but only the other to ignore. Tension grows between the two, fewer turn to non in weeks. He decides enough is enough, he wants to break the silence between them, the tension that has mounted; “so what have you decided” he asks her bluntly again, she replies “about what”, “you know what I’m talking about”, she return “no I don’t know”, “what have you decided about what your mom asked from you, about you getting married”. Her usual long silence fills the conversation and he once again breaks the silence and brings her back to conversation – “have you decided”, she replies – “I don’t want to talk about it, leave it be”. He didn’t want to push it anymore with her, he wanted her to open up to him when she felt time was right, but he so badly wanted to ask her if there is anything he can do about it, he fought against his decision, he thought this would change everything, change his life forever and there was no turning back – “why don’t you tell your mom about us, why don’t you tell her that you’ve found someone to be married to”, a short silence followed by “what do you mean”, he follows her words “I mean I want to marry you, would you tell your mother that there is someone already and he wants to marry you”, only to hear a long heavy sigh from her, “leave it alone, I don’t want to talk about it now bubs”. He had no more words for her, he has just asked her if he could marry her, to be with her forever, and the only reply he got from her was not what he was expecting. He understood what she was going through, he put himself on the side and he wanted to be there for her. Before he could say anything, “I’ve got to go now honey; I’m really tired, got a early class tomorrow, bye, we’ll talk later, good night, love you”, he had to zip his words only to “love you too baby, take care, its going to be alright, I’m with you through anything you decide of”, “thanks, bye” was the only words that had come out of her.

Weeks pass by between the two, less words exchanged between the two, his mind now filled with only her thoughts. On one lonely night after a tiring day at office, his heart aches for her voice to fill her mind, he knows its not the time to call her, he scrolls through the pictures of her for the time he doesn’t remember, she filled his little screen with her smile, he was starring at a particular one in which her bright smile always drew a smile on no matter how much of hard day he has had. He puts down the screen and getting ready to head to bed, flips his phone open to read the last message from her before she left him, he still kept it even after, he would always read through it during his hard time when all he needed was some hope, a light that only her words can show.
It one was one gloomy sunday, he had not been to church in a long time, he had lost belief in all that at the loss of his father and more, but today, something in his heart longed to go for it was a marked day in the calendar, it was Easter. He did take time in dressing himself; he was there dreaming one day would make the walk on the isle, but laws and rules of the church and the men who upheld it in pride and glory would never allow let his dream come true, but still he hoped he would be with her forever, no matter in church or not. He takes his leave from the church when the mass has ended. He picks up his phone from his pocket, dialing the one number his fingers never rest, a faint “hello”; his reply was nothing more than his usual one “hey baby, how are you”, her reply in a dull voice “I’m alright, just missing you that’s all”. He tries to find the words to make her even smile a little, something that he hasn’t seen from her in sometime, but her sigh comes before his words, a long heavy sigh, he felt something was wrong with her, his fingers gripped the phone tighter, his ears now could only hear the little sighs and gasp for breath with the rest of the world shut away from his moment. He could hear a slight sob, as the seconds pass and everything else completely deafens around him, he could hear her cry getting heavier, finally she breaks out into a loud cry, all he could from her was only loud cry of pain. For the second time she breaks into tears for him, the first was when she had to return to home away from him. His mind not straight enough to think what could be the reason now for his angel break out in tears. He tries to calm her down, but nothing he can say stops her heavy sobs.

She tries to find words in between her sobs, but she could only come out with more heavy sobs. He wished she would tell him, instead of killing her like this, he couldn’t stand the last time she cried, tears were almost at the corner of his eyes. She tries once again, this time she finds her a few words coming out of her lips, more of escaping from her, “I’ve got to let you go, I can’t do this anymore, I’ve got to let you go”. He felt the pain as though someone jabbed a blunt rusted spike into his heart and only the life to bleed out of him, which he couldn’t stop. His ears deafened, his breath falling short, his eyes doesn’t move, fixated with only a picture of her sobbing in front of him, but only his mind. He collects himself to “it’s alright, I understand, don’t worry about me, I told you I’m with you no matter what you decide”. Her sobs lighten yet continue, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore, my parents would never let me get married to you, I’m sorry baby I’ve got let you go, I’ve got to go now” was the last words he heard of her. He phone line goes dead. A loud honk brings him back to the world, which he was taken away from, as he slowly turns to look back and move himself to the sidewalks, slips his phone inside his pocket. No tears, no blood, no wound, his life taken away from him, he doesn’t feel it yet.

~ 6 months ago ~

2009-05-20T06:12:00.004+05:30

Walking fresh out of the shower, tries hard to dry his messy thick curls, but fails. He gets himself ready for work in a haste and is out of the house, forgetting even to pick up his lunch. "Oh I can always eat from out" he thinks. Walks himself straight to his seat, a "HI" to everyone as he has to pass to get to his desk. Finally in his corner, before anything, logs into his messenger to look for that sweet friend who has been in company through his day and into her wee hours of her morning. As they both live half way across the world, a world apart from each other yet they feel close through technology he thought. His face a little saddened, he doesn’t see her online. With a sigh, he thought he’d wait a little while longer for her to show up, he said to himself "she should still be in college, not back home yet". He lifts himself up from the uncomfortable chair that has been giving him a lot of trouble with his spine and knees. Still disappointed that she has not showed up online yet, his fingers go to the keyboard to lock his terminal, just then he see’s a pop at the right hand corner of his screen, showing her nick name and status as online. A wild glee in his head, a sharp smile draws in his lips. Flops himself back to the chair, only to hurt his back again but ignores it. His fingers reach for the mouse but before he could even move his fingers, his screens blips with a chat window.

Crazy lil Angel: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii *hugs*

Crazy lil Angel: How are you today?

Crazy lil Angel: Had lunch yet?

~the game ~: Hiiiiii lil angel… im good, how are you?

~the game ~: Just about to leave for lunch, when you hadn’t come online, waited for you

Crazy lil Angel: don’t wait up anymore, you go have lunch and come back, ill be waiting for you.

Crazy lil Angel: ill have my shower and be fresh n be back.

Crazy lil Angel: oh can he hand me the towel on your way out :P *innocent look*

Crazy lil Angel: oh could you bring me ice cream as well when you’re coming back from lunch

~the game ~: *hands the towel* go have a wash you stinky lil baby: P

~the game ~: *hugs* be back soon

Locks his terminal and leaves for lunch, wonders in his mind, what that about her that makes his day so easily, even during a hard one, she has been with him as a friend, listening to all his babble and what not. Walks away from his desk, reluctantly to get his lunch, he thinks he should be back soon. Rushes through his lunch to come catch up with his only friend, who would leave the rest of the world aside to listen to him and talk to him. That day he felt something more for her, he felt he was supposed to be more for her. But only to brush it away saying, there couldn’t be anything more than the deep friendship they both share and cherish so much. He kept his day and her nights busy with their baby talk; virtual cooking for each other, eating ice cream, talking about how both wanted to live together in the same house in different rooms. He shakes in all disbelief how could someone bring out this side of his personality, which he never knew it existed. He walks back to his seat, eagerly his fingers work on the keyboard to unlock his terminal, a blue blinking bar at the bottom of his screen. He opens up and it reads out:

Crazy lil Angel: I’m back.

Crazy lil Angel: u there?

Crazy lil Angel: wre’s ma ice cream!?!?

Crazy lil Angel: don’t you come back without the ice cream

Crazy lil Angel: *sigh* guess you’re not back yet

~the game ~: I’m back…

~the game ~: how you smelling now.. :P

~the game ~: oh here’s your fav ice cream

~the game ~: *hands you the ice cream and waits for a hug*

Crazy lil Angel: Thanks… no hugs for coming late.. :P

~the game ~: oh well then I guess ill leave you to your ice cream

Crazy lil Angel: no no… wait.. come here, sit next to me

Crazy lil Angel: can I ask you something?

~the game ~: *sits up next to you* sure thing hun, wht is it?

*She pauses for a few minutes*

~the game ~: wht is it?

~the game ~: waiting….

Crazy lil Angel: how much do you love me?

*with no hesitation or second thoughts in mind, nothing dramatic, nothing romantic, he replied*

~the game ~: *with arms wide open* I love you that much……

~the game ~: *hugs* come here sweets…

~the game ~: why did you ask all of a sudden

Crazy lil Angel: *hugs* just wanted to know if you love me enough..

*he continues, with no understanding of what has just happened, but only makes him smile in plain wonder, what has happened all the while*

A week passes on; it still hadn’t struck him yet, what has happened. He goes with his day, as if nothing unusual to say, they both love each other. Until one Saturday he seldom recollects out of the blue, her words in his head, "how much do you love me?" he wonders what she actually meant. Taking too lightly of everything, he shrugs off with his sheepish smile. His world turned upside down in the coming of days; she took control over everything of his. He was not allowed to party without a heated yet but sweet jealous girlfriend conversation. He was to save up for their future, get his debts out of the way. He liked the way she took over his life and day, he wanted someone to take over it, and he wanted her to be there for him through his thick n thin. He knew instantly that she was going to be one. He feared nothing any longer, his lonely days were over. She asked of only one thing from him, to be hers and hers alone. He wanted to be there only for her, promised himself, he his not going let this slip through him, he was to fight it through to the end.

With everything going so well he thought. He had shortened his Friday nights to be at home on the phone with her half way across the world from him, from her home. But she called where she was her 2nd home; she had spent a good part of her life being away from her real home. She knew going back home this time was going to be different, she wanted the coming 3 months that she is going to be with him to be longer. Both spent their time talking about the babyish, sweet innocent coy feelings they had for each other and how they wanted spend their lives together now, living together in the same room, same bed, sleeping in his arms, long cold showers tugged in his arms, fighting over who’s going to cook, silly little things that made each other so happy. It was all to special for him, for he had not felt loved and wanted by a woman like this, so far as he can remember. They’ve not even had the first kiss, not even a glimpse of each other in real since they started this relationship; but he can feel her warmth in her words, her sometimes soft spoken manner, and her usually fiery words for keep him on track. He loved it all; he loved her more than anything he can remember of. Their relationship bloomed over time over the tiny little blue window. He thought to himself, what would have been his days if they both never met, if they both hadn’t bump into each other years ago in a chat room.

He waited through the nights for his angel, he said to himself "the one that is going to redeem from all his sins, the one who is going to show him the light at the end of the darkest tunnel he’s been walking in". He had a deep dark past, his flamboyant night lifestyle, his choice of woman, his silly mistakes in life and his earthly sins, which she was all familiar and known of. He feared that he would let her down in any one of these, to which he would never forgive himself, "never ever in his life" he said to himself. He knew it all too well; this was the last chance he was going to give for himself in live. Everything meant to him, every little word from her and every want of her. He never showed her much of emotions. His flamboyant flirty talk, his witty ways of getting around woman in general, the worst of him – the best of him, had to be benched for her. He didn’t want to lose her for his ways. He’ll never forget his 21st birthday, a large cake in the shape of the key, for which had to give a blushing explanation to his mom from who it was. His laptop had a folder of filled pictures, he wasn’t hiding from her, he showed, this is girl who sent him the cake, from across the world. His mom only returned a smile. His world was coming together he thought, piece by piece. His naïve belief in life was coming back into his. He knew only one thing before - he wanted to anybody, but now – to be one for her.

Their future together was not how both had planned to be, he knew she was coming home for the holiday; he wanted to be there for her, to have the first embrace of her warm body against him. But there was another plan written for the days to come, a sudden business plan, his first break, and his first trip out of the island on work. He was more than ecstatic at what’s coming ahead for him, but she was didn’t want him to go; she knows he would be back in time when she is back in the island. She wanted him to wait for her not the other way around, but she doesn’t know if he would be back in the island before she comes, of even if they would have enough time together for them. He wanted to tell his boss, he couldn’t but she decided for him against that, she wanted him to take the temporary job overseas. He didn’t know long he would be away; it was open ended business trip. He packed his bag and he was away, his call from the airport – she had done something he had asked her not to; cut her hair short. She had done it to piss him off, she told him "I hate you so much right now, see your email". He rushed to office, first thing - rushed to his email, he long hair, was down to half way through, her face frowned in anger of leaving her having to wait. He promised her he’d be back sooner. He found her cute even in her anger, it only took him minutes to mellow her down, bring her back to not hating him for leaving her waiting for him, he promised "I’d be back soon, the very next flight once I’m done here".

He picked up a habit; he started to write about what happened in his day with her, only about her in the journal, he never told her he wrote about them. His lips always wanted to blurt he had something for her to read and maybe understand a little how much he loved her, how much he missed her, how much he wanted of her, but he thought to himself, "all too soon, and never to too late to tell her that he loved her"". By now she was back in the island, picked on to fight every day when called, why he left her waiting, every call had asking "when are you coming back?" and he only returned with "I don’t know, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe never". She would almost slam on the phone on him but she wanted him to be there, missed him dearly. His days of being away from the island was over, he spoke no word about with her.

He picked on the very next flight back to the island. The first number he dialed for was for her, she saw his number on her phone and jumped out in pure joy, she cried his name in glee, he was only about to step out of the flight of stairs, his face smiled much simply that he should have, yet his self composed always had the best of him. They both talked through the night, all the way from the airport to his bed, finally he was home, he felt a lot more than that, his angel was back to be with him he thought. He couldn’t wait for the sun to rise and the clock to strike to the time they were supposed to meet. He waited for this for a long hard yet the happiest 6 months of his life, ever since she had asked him to be with her. He was up before the sun was, but her sunshine was up before him, he looked at his phone that never leaves his palm. 1 New Message – Wake up my baby boy, are you still sleeping? Don’t you want to see me… Can’t wait to see you. Jumped out of his bed and for a long shower, picked out his best for her, he wanted to be at his best for her. There he was waiting at the coffee shop they had planned to meet, where this time he was suppose to wait for her, fair enough he thought.

Looking at his phone screen, waiting for the seconds….

~ wtf ~

2009-05-14T07:07:00.003+05:30

Sorry about the title, but this is call out for INDYANA!!!

I hope your blog deletion has nothing to do with trolls n BS's..

better show up soon :-(

~ leaving on a jet plane ~

2009-05-04T22:04:00.003+05:30

With blood rushing all over his body, he has no sense of what has happened so wrong to her. His ear’s running out on patience to know what could be so terribly wrong that has made her weep out in public and his arms. She starts to blurt out for words and only silence and gasp for air comes out from her. He wipes her tears away, moves to an empty couch in the corner. Carrying her bag for her, he leaves it at his side and makes her sit down and let her catch her breath. She curls into his arms once again. Her fingers clutching his collar so tight that she doesn’t want to leave him even an inch of space between them. He brushes through her hair and holds her in one place over his chest, leaving her breath into his skin. His mind tries to hold still and let her come out with what she needs to say to him. No one says a word for time passes by. When she finally opens her eyes, wipes her tears away, holding his hands tight. She blurts out and only a loud sigh that comes out. She holds her breath and a tear at the corner of her eyes, “I have to leave you”.

His mind still blank, rewinding time in his head to figure the words that just came out of her. “You have to leave me?” with no emotions, with no drama in eyes. His eyes completely gone dark n wide. He wished he hadn’t heard what he heard from her. She only blurts out to cry, she has to leave him. He grabs her close to him. He tries again, “what do you mean you got to leave me?” she replies, she has got accepted to go to the university she fancied since she can remember. A loud sigh with relief comes out of him. She puzzled he’s not even moved by this. “Oh that’s great honey, CONGRATS” as he goes to give her a warm hug and tight squeeze. She moves back from him. “Didn’t you hear what I just told you?, I’m leaving on a plane to somewhere you wont see me”. “Your only going away to study, something you wanted, all your life and here is your chance”, he tries to comfort her. She punches into his arms, “Do you always have to be like this?”, punches him once again and pulls herself into his arms to rest a little while. “I’ve been crying ever since I got the letter and couldn’t stop even after talking to you last night”. He shrugs away saying, "its only going to be a only a couple of years, time will fly away honey. You can always come home for summer break or maybe I can come visit you." Her hands go around him and hold him tight. He keeps brushing through her thick dark hair n butterfly kisses on her forehead.

“Do you love me?” spills out from her lips, as he swiftly without wasting a second in silence he replies, “I love you more than anything else in the world, and you know that, and I’m not tired to say it a million times, Now would you like some hot chocolate with marshmallows?. He gets up away from her warmth, to get her something to eat. He knows she hasn’t had anything from last evening. He grabs her sandwich which he knows she is not going to finish, and her favorite strawberry milkshake. Finally a smile on her face when he returns, still dry tears on her cheeks. As she gets up and walks towards the washroom to clean up. He pushes himself back on couch, trying to just figure out what just happened to him in the last 10 minutes. It seemed as though his breath was taken away from him, his life force yanked out of him at the second she said she’s got to leave him. He just closes his eyes and catches his breath for a second. Feeling her fingers going through his rough hair, she pulls him close for quick peck on the cheek. “You know I love you right… Don’t ever leave me please, even if I want to leave” she blurs out. As comforting fortress as he is always, he pulls he up close to him, only to say “never ever.”

She wishes he would ask her not to leave him, but being that he is, what he believed in her, how much he cared about her, he always wanted her to spread her wings wider and go out there and be her best. She was a hard worker, he believed in her more than she believed in herself. Both wanted each other to be better than where they were. He always pushed her to become more, he loved n cared her more than she would know he thought to himself. But she always wanted a simpler life than what he did. Before they both met, they have spent different life separately and together. They both were searching for a reason and purpose in each other.

She parts from him, with much hesitation and reluctance. She knows more than what she has told him. He so naively believed in their dreams. How she always wanted a baby of his, a house just for them, long cold shower while in each others arms. She holds unto his arms tightly, while they both leave, her car waits for her. She gives him one last kiss before they leave, on his right side of the neck. As she takes her lips away from his skin and walks away from his hug, she doesn’t look back this time. He smells her strawberry lip gloss smear over his skin. He waits for her to turn, but she walks ahead in fast stride, as her car pulls he turns and walks away. Still with a naïve smile on his face, as he walks from it al. his phone beeps out – 1 New Text Message, he opens with no hesitation. Reading it in his head, in her voice, “Please don’t leave me ever, I know I’m a difficult person to be with, but I want you with me for the rest of my life. Even if I want you to, would be please stay and fight to be with me.” His fingers quickly moves to punch out, “love you always, no matter where I’m. Good night baby grl. Miss you even now, even though its been only few mins.”

Couple of weeks later, they both make the time to meet each other, just before the day she leaves. He would never forget the day. It was valentines, they both never fancied the overrated day of showing affection, but this time it was different. He had called in a day off, just to even see her beautiful innocent and naive smile of hers, the one that keeps him going in the long hard days at work, when the rest of the world around him crashes. But he was to meet her only for few minutes as she has not even finished packing her bags. He waited out half day, to meet her. They both end up meeting in a haste, he was a little annoyed that she didn’t make it alone, but with her friend. He hides his emotion well under his skin, only to show her happiness that she is there with him. They both act like friends, as her friend was not to know of their relationship. It felt strange to him, but only to understand that her friend was close to her mother and anything spills easily over to the other side could mean disaster, a point of no return for each other, their life’s would change or seize for ever.

They walk around the mall for the final time, in her mind, she thinks, when would she get this long walks, window shopping or even to spend time with him. He takes out for a little treat, asks her to pick anything she likes from the store she strolls in. She picked a couple of dresses, which he jumped to pay for, it drove her mad, it drove her up the walls. She pinches him in front of everyone; she smiles and walks away to the car waiting for her. It ended with a simple hug, He was still left numb, each time she hugs him, there was something about her that he never understood at that moment, when she hastily left him. He tried to grab her hand one last time, just a few more seconds of her soft skin in his hand, but only to find her fingers slip away from his. He stood there watching the car drive away from, he could see her turning her to the back to catch a glimpse of him.

His phone that never stops ringing, thinking its one of those business calls, he picks it up to see a message from “love you baby, happy valentine. Call me tonight, I want to hear your voice before I catch that damned plane, thanks for the dresses.” With a smirk he replies, “anything within my grasp for you baby”. But in his heart he promised to give her a life, the world at her feet, his angel, and his miracle. He often thought to himself, in his silent silly coyish day dream, how lucky he was to be with her, after all that he’s been through, and he thought life still has something for left. Just one last person, who completely loves him for the way he is and wouldn’t change anything about him. But he has come along way, from the player type that he was, to melting at every word of his woman to be. He thought to himself, this is one time I’m not going to give up easily on. I’m going to fight, and until the end, even if its six feet under.

That night, he called to speak to her, but only to get a busy tone. He tried again and again and again, but still the busy tone, wondering if he should call her on her home line. He denies the urge to call her on that, try once more a voice in his head. He tries, with the luck of his stars on his side, she answers in a plain “hello”, he replies in a high pitch glee “hi”. “I cant talk right now, mom around, can I call you from the airport?”, he shrugs in disappointment, “sure, talk to you later.” She hung up on the other side, before he could even open his mouth to tell her that he loves her. Couple of hours pass by, with still no return call from. Voices in his head echo, “she must be going through immigration now, wait a few minutes”. His patience wears thin as he picks up the phone to call her, no answer on it, tried again, still no answer, tried again, only to find a tired n sad “hello baba”, he replies without showing any sad emotion, trying to cheer up, “How are you my baby girl, so you finally get the chance to run away from me”, laughs in a evil glee. She returns sharply “you really thing I want to leave you?, don’t you dare be checking out girls while I’m away” and she asks for a hug over the phone, and he replies “one real tight hug just for my baby, coming right up”. Both of them laugh away at each other’s childishness in them, even after ageing. He senses her tiredness in her voice as her laugh slips into a long sigh. “So would you miss me”, he asks. Lately both of them have not had the time for each other, he working on a new project for the company, while she was busy with packing and letters and restless situation at home.

They both say bye to each other, he waits until she went off on him, and she was waiting for the same of him. Both of them push out a long sigh, and he comes out first, “I’m going to miss you more than ever, take care baby, don’t be much of a naughty girl now” and she replies, “I’m going to miss you like nothing; you just don’t know how much I love you”. They both go on to say bye for the last time, “love you, kiss kiss”. He knows that she leaves to a land half way across the world from where he is, but he holds on to hope and dreams she has given him, one day they would be together, soon, very soon. As he goes through the messages she has sent him over the months they’ve been together, smiling at each and every message from her. He puts his phone down, takes a walk on the balcony, where he spent hours of every night on phone conversation with her when he comes home after work. She has left him with memories that would last him a life time, which he would drag it with him even to eternity. But something in his mind is not right, a hunch, an intuition, that something is not right, the way she has been with him. Somewhat colder than her usual warm n fussy baby like nature. He shrugs off all doubts in his head. He wants to be with her, no matter what comes in the way, he promised to her, he would love her forever.

She settles herself on the window seat, looking out for hope, as she leaves the island and her man behind for a childhood dream, her life long hard work which is waiting to her hers today. She wishes she hadn’t applied for it, this was before they both met each other, before she fell in love with a man who couldn’t be more rusty on the outside and so soft and cushy inside. She loved his passion, his talking, she would spend hours in front of him watching him talk, go on and on and on about anything. She put her arms around her, a voice in her head “He deserves to know everything, you should have told him everything, he would understand and still love you every little bits of you”, another voice echoes against that “He deserves to be happy, my work with him is done, he’ll move on, I’m just another girl to him…”. Sound of the roaring jet engine brings her back to reality, a tear at the corner of her eye, dribbles down on her cheeks. She closes here eyes and tries to remember his warmth one last time. She is leaving on a jet plane, leaving him behind, leaving her love behind. His voice inside her head “I’m going to miss you more than eve.. I’m going to miss you more th…. I’m going to miss you” as she slowly drifts into sleep. With the engine roaring away from the tarmac, lift off and away. His hopes flies away with her, her heart so heavy that even she couldnt not carry. He slips away to bed, thinking of how long will it take for them to meet again. For him to feel her warmth, her love, her smile, those dark, glistening peircing eyes. He's dozed off before he even realises that sleep has taken over him.

~ coffee date ~

2009-04-10T13:23:00.003+05:30

Looking at his phone screen, waiting for the seconds to pass until the time for him to meet the one he has been sitting motionless for the passing tensed minutes. Memories rush into his head of the times they’ve been together. The good ones racing to come out before the bad ones, but he sulks in them all and let’s himself drift into a dreamland where everything seems to be a bliss. He pictures the first day they both met, where he saw the tensed look on her face and watch it all fade away as he gave away her favorite flowers he picked for her on the way to meet her. He spent more time at picking the flowers than he did getting ready. Thoughts of doubt rushed into him, yet he kept his player coolness and brushed away that adrenaline rush to his head. He was only looking straight into her eyes, complimented her genuinely about the way she looked and how great she smelled and a nice hair do which took her time n effort. He let her make her choice of what she wants, liked her instant comfort in his company and his in hers; he knows there is more than just this coffee she hesitantly agreed to.

He left her to let her naturally fall into his comfortable arms, when she sulked deep into the leather couch they both were in; his hands slowly went around her, holding her gently close to him, with a soft brush over arms, which made her giggle n brush away saying “don’t you dare try tickling me”. For which he took as a challenge and let his hands reach towards her hip and tickle her over slight bulge which she was embarrassed that it revealed and she covered with her arms around herself. He drew back, reaching for the coffee on the table, as she reached forward towards his back and put her right arm over his shoulder and the other around his waist and rested her head on his broad strong shoulder. Her hair conditioner faintly filling his air that he inhales and exhales out, as he draws a sip on his bone dry coffee, how he likes them best from his favorite coffee shop.

She tells him not to move, stay on a little longer until she thinks she had enough of his strong body against her. She lets go off him and he hands her cream caramel latte, her hands reach for them, as fingers brush against each other and eyes meet throwing electricity at one and another. They hold themselves looking into each others eyes and her fingers slowly crawling over his now, as he lets go of the cup and she takes them over, goes back to rest on the couch, crossing her legs over on the right, a little closer to him. His fingers slowly run over her smooth skin and draws back. Restricting himself not to let his past walk into his present. There was some mystery hidden in her, loneliness that crept her at night and took away her sleep, a yearning to be loved, which he read about her in all the long nights of messaging each of all the random things they both kept coming up with into the wee hours of the morning, until he dozed to bed, with his fingers on the keypad.

“Lets break the silence” she said, “do you find me boring?” with a innocent smile that followed with her question. He answers “I’m just mesmerized by your beauty, in a trance, in a way making me feel high on coffee with you, I just can’t say if it’s you or the coffee, that’s making me feel this way”. She blushes away from him, slaps his arms softly and then fingers curl around it as she pulls herself to him. “So do you have a girl friend?”, he looks blank into her eyes, as she can only draw a embarrassing smile, which she takes in another sip of her latte to cover herself from the stupid question which she blurted out. He emotionally replies “not anyone other than the one sitting right next to me”. She draws back at the reply and questions his reply. He sits the coffee down and turns towards her, takes her hand in his, almost on his knees, “would you be my girl friend?” in a melody. She bursts into a hysterical laugh, as he tries to wipe away his embarrassed, quizzical smile. She sharply replies “I already have one!” He’s puzzled by her answer, waits for her to continue, as she says “What?” He raises his eyebrows and nods motioning her to continue. She excuses herself and walks to the restroom, leaving him puzzled, with blood rushing all over his body, he starts shaking his leg and the words “I already have one!” keeps running through his head over n over n over again.

He doesn’t realize she is back, until she ruffles his already messy hair, he tries to excuse himself for not tidying up. She covers to say – “that’s alright, ill excuse you only for today my boyfriend”. With a sharp turn towards her, his eyes wide open, looking straight into her eyes, questioning her answer. She replies softly by saying, “you were my boyfriend already before you asked me the formal question, that’s why I even agreed to meet you”. They had not shared pictures of each other, they both wanted to leave out the looks for fate to decide, but they shared a lot more than that. His past, his pains, his dark desires, his willingness to change from those dark desire, his silly escapades with other females, his faults, his taunts, his goofy hilarious laugh, his flirtatious cues. Her painful childhood, her torn family, her love for animals, her wish to disappear, her loneliness, he childish wants of cookies, dancing in the rain when no one is watching, dream about a prince charming, her belief in romantic fairy tales and lastly her painful breakup that takes away her beautiful smile each time she thinks about it.

They both somehow formed a cocoon for both of them to find comfort in each other and dwell into after a long tiring day, they said the cruel world had to offer. His awe happiness she could read from his gasp for air and the excitement in his dark brown eyes as they glee up and wide open. He couldn’t believe his ears and blurted out “come again”. She came closer to him, kissed him softly on his cheeks and threw her hands around his neck, leaving him flabbergasted and in awe, he slowly collects himself and puts his arms around her slowly, holding her in a gentle hug. She whispers, “I love you” and draws herself from the hug and turns herself away from him, slightly mad at herself, without evening knowing if he had any feelings for her. She cursed her lips for jumping out before her mind can decide. He moves without her notice, plucks out a little flower from the trees around them, and comes behind her slowly, softly keeps it on her dark thick jet black hair. She turns around in a glee and he gets on knees, arms wide open with the words “I LOVE YOU” escaping his lips in all meaning and purpose. She tries to hide her face from the sweet embarrassment, with the by passers in their laugh and claps and astonishment at his public confession of his love.

She pulls him put to her and pushing her face into his chest to hide and vanish away, as he slowly raises her chin, looks only into her eyes filled with blissful love, he softly kisses her on the corner of her lips and lets her rest herself on him, face buried in his chest, fingers holding his collar of his dark blue shirt, in a tensed grasp to not let go as if it’s the end of the world. He assures that he is not going to leave her for anything else. From now on, she’s all that’s left in his world, he thinks she knows that. She hesitantly accepts to what he says. Both left to dream in each other’s arm. He realizes it’s been a while as a bill lands on his table. Paying what’s due, “are you ready to leave” he asks, “you promised you wouldn’t leave me for anything!” she replied. He strokes her hair, “you’ve got to go home my silly girlfriend”, “yes, but not yet” she replies. He lets her have it her way. His lips crawl to her ear, once again “love you my silly baby”. She smacks him sharply on his arm and only to hurt herself. “Let’s go”- she finds the words to put out. He says “a little while more please”, she rests back on him as he keeps stroking her hair. They both part ways, were waiting for one and another to leave the other. Her phone rings, as she looks at the display, and *sighs* my driver is here. She kisses him on the cheeks and parts with a bye. As he returns them, she pulls away in haste, and winks at him. His lips moves to make out the words I love you and he signs to call him. She turns her back on him, he watches her walk away from him, feet away from him with each passing second. He *sighs* and walks away. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he reads 1 New Message, goes on to open the message, ‘I love you, silly boy friend. Kiss’, thumbs at the keypad to reply ‘love you butterfly’.

Only thing that draws up on his dark face, is a smile that is never tired of coming up, each time he thinks about her. But today, he felt a sudden rush in his body, his mind a little more disturbed than usual. Trying to relax himself in his dark worn out jeans, a t-shirt she had bought for him and his messy hair how she always liked it, his two days unshaven scruffy dark face. He opens the last message she had sent him last night after an hour long conversation, reads in his mind, “please come meet me tomorrow, I want to see you, good night, try not to miss meJ.” Tapping his fingers on the screen and the deep stare at the entrance from where he is seated, waiting for her at the same coffee shop he met her for the first time. His lips widen in a soft smile, as he see’s her open the door and walk in, pulling out her phone to call him. He stands up for her and waves her to come over. There was no smile on her face, a casual jean and top that he had got for her in one of the many dates and window shopping spree they had been out, this particular one she was found at the first look, which he disappeared and the next minute it was wrapped and handed to her in an instant. Along with the pair of earrings’ that he got for her from the last business trip that kept them both away for a long 2 months. She walks right up to him, as he open his arms for that warm hug she fancies any day any time of the day or night, she bursts into a slight cry with tears pouring like water rushing after a flood gate was let lose. He’s lost at what could have terribly happened.

He try his best to calm her down, takes her hand bag and lays it on the table next to them, he didn’t care what people around him thought of them at the moment. Only she mattered to him. He swore to bring the wrath on anyone that made her cry or even ounce of displeasure. She tries to speak amidst her cries and heaves. He kisses her on her forehead and holds her hands tight, “its alright baby boo, I’m here, everything would be ok.” He tries his best to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong. She tries to speak out again, he makes her rest for little while longer until she wipes her tears off and start to say “I have to …….”………. (to be continued)

~ the days gone by ~

2009-04-08T18:35:00.002+05:30

Don't think I’ve ever taken such a long break from writing, the last post shows, 3months ago; this is of a list of things that happened last year. The New Year has been really a tough one so far, in all good ways. I was asked to come join another company. A decision which I may have done blindly or not though I wouldn’t know yet. But never the less it was decided that I called it quits with the company I’ve been working for the last 5 years. It was in a way lil hard in the last few days of cleaning my desk off and drawers which were always empty or with others stuff. But what I’ve learnt so far from the company, the ppl, the bosses, has been tremendous. I’ve never pictured myself as I corporate guy, heck I didn’t even dream of sitting on a desk and doing what I do best with numbers and a pc. But that has all changed over the years and how I’ve developed myself into becoming more resourceful and expendable asset to an organization. The company grew in size as in a way of buy over and merger, found myself to be a grain of sand on the longest beach. With all this I expected growth, a growth that was promised and some reason that had slipped under the carpet and remain unspoken of. I was very disgruntled at this, but never did I stop doing what I was supposed to do. So I remained there, until I found a suitable chance of moving out, and I did jump at the first instance I got. Which didn’t come easily, it was long 2-3 months process I would say. A lot goes for the global economic downturn, or so they say.

Now I’ve moved to a smaller organization. Comparatively, well you can’t actually compare cause the company im working for is less than the dept I use to be running back at the old office. So you can imagine how I might actually feel, there is a big hole left of how things worked and happened. But im trying to stay focused with my goals and try to pick up things on the way. I’m not saying it’s entirely not worth my effort in there, but I do have a certain way of working, which is not matched easily. Standards which I set myself too high always, working at a pace which normally higher than how a company actually works with all the red tapes, large corporate structure and all that comes along. I’m stuck in the mid –way thinking if it was the right choice. Well many didn’t advice against it, well I didn’t ask much though, I got the offer, and then I just accepted it and gave the news. The working hours are a big toll, but then again, I guess it’s a sacrifice I’ve got to make to get what I need. Since I’ve started working, which is closing to 2 weeks, I’ve had only 4hours of sleep maximum.

Not that its long hours, it’s the hours of work that makes it difficult. I’ve been working on UK project for the past 5 years, so which means I have the luxury of getting out of my bed really late, cause I have to work when UK works, so that mean I get to office only by 1.30 in the afternoon n drag till 10.30.. All that changes now, caused I’ve managed to get myself to work for the aussies.. Given that they are 5.30 hrs ahead of us, I have to give up my sleep, I have to start at 3 in the morning and go on till 11 in the afternoon. Hours haven’t changed, but the zone has. It’s still hard to find myself the proper sleeping pattern. I get a nap in the bus on the way back home actually. One of these days if you do see me sleeping somewhere along the road, pls do come say hi!

So I shall write more in due time with the tales of down under. Well not actually, I still live in the sl and have to work for them. What is the perk, I get paid in AUD(I haven’t got my paycheck yet, so hold it, what ever thought that came in the head), well not for long as they are trying to establish to pay in SLR, sucks kinds like. And I work on the 5^th floor of the high roll apartment of Colombo ;-) but I still haven’t seen any hot one’s yet.. Maybe I need to pick another roster or move around the lobby maybe.. Hope I didn’t give out too much detail.. J

So until then, I’m still alive. A lot has been happening on the side, where I’ve become a certified bastard by any degree/classification I would say; well that’s what I’ve been to a close friend of mine. Don’t think I will talk about it at all. But just that I don’t want to say SORRY or even ask for FORGIVENESS. I’ve turned my back on someone who needed me the most and what’s done is done, I don’t know how else to put it. OH I’ve been soooo inspired to write something similar to a post I read lately, not sure of the blogger, it’s something like bohemian …something! My jaws literally dropped at reading the post. I shall try my hands on that, but im sure I would never accomplish the style of writing. Jeez the post is too long; don’t think anyone would have gotten down so far.. me got to go now, wondering if I shud play on ps2 or watch new season of Heroes, or pen down that story. Oh and the post comes as request from someone, and SOMEONE, you know who I’m talking about.

~ so it is christmas ~

2008-12-21T10:43:00.007+05:30

So its christmas... well almost i wud say. Join in the bandwagon of post on the recap of the happenings for this year. Its been a tough and most challenging of all times I wud say. With a lot of good things and even more hard times I’ve faced over the years. Not to sound melodramatic.. but personally I’ve change, which is not of voluntarily, my mind has once again managed to form the cocoon to protect myself from emotional pains.

Warning, I’ve taken the dare to put up my image! Indya.. here’s ur chance to catch the lo$t $oul..

Jan - So the year began with me taking over the team which I’ve toiled my heart n brains for the last 4yrs. I never saw myself working for any company for more than 3yrs. But when I did get the break right at end of my 3yrs from another company and spoke abt my resignation, my big boss asked for the offer and topped it up. So ended up staying with the same company. A lot was on my shoulder with the beginning of the year. But somehow got through the first month..

Feb - a year since my ex left the country, the last time I ever saw her as my gf, right on valentines day. ironic?!?!? Saw one of my best friend get married, went all out, got ma hair done, got a new suit, shoes. One of the best days I wud say.

Mar – Well when most of the heat at work started working itself and I wasn’t in the best of minds to go all out for the team, as there was few difference between myself and the management. The bestie who wud be my side, hanged the cloak up with the company and called it quits.

April – mostly uneventful, but with a lot of pain and post breakup trauma. I was starting to lose my cool for even the slightest mishap at work.
May – ever more increasing of nothing but pain from the breakup. A lot of misunderstandings, fingering pointing all to one side(took it all up cos I was the one to blame for everythin, she deserved someone better than me, after all). A whole load of heat at office too abt my management style or lack thereof.

June – never got around to writing much, maybe a single post at most. By now work ate most of my time and energy. Being alone n lonely made my time even more miserable can it already be…

July – lost a family friend, who was more than family in 99.99% of the occasion, I think I wud call him family. Has been around even before I was born, and the age im right now and still around helping out a lot and being with my family, he deserves a award!! He has been a lot close since my dad died, years back. I never had a father figure around, but his stories of his young prime n youthful days, makes you wanna get outta ur skin n live life with no boundaries. With as with everything, no one can understand me or give into wht ever im doing, so there was a lil misunderstanding and lack of communication over the last year. But is loss is just too grave, which I cannot relate too. They say you can escape death for certain while, and finally it does catch up with u ironically…

Shortest trip I’ve ever made to india. Left the country on a Tuesday afternoon, was at the airport just 30 mins before the departure time, landed in india, took the bus in another hr, was in the bus for another 12hrs, landed in home town, attended the funeral, and was there till Friday, another 12hr bus to Chennai, back on Monday morning and back to work.
Along with it came my resignation of heading the team. After a lot of persuasion from big boss, same guy who convinced me stay back, took the time to have along conversation in his busy day, so sit me down and make me understand wht I need to do. Was persuaded to stay back and take a entirely different role in leading the team. But everythin changed just over a day. And I was definite of position of stepping down and so it happened in a unlikely professional manner.

August – a lil niece turned 1 with me when I turned 23. Both the same date, the family is dreading and standing on pins if she wud turn out be big bad boy cuz… and having a knuckle head like me as the shoulder look over.

Sept - my ex was back in the country for her wedding. Met her as she wanted to give me the wedding card. Put it all up, cos I somehow owed her that much. So how I cudnt stop myself from seeing, when I promised never to see her ever again in my life. But with all that, just wanted to know how she is doing now. One last time before she becomes someone man. Top it all up, was suited up for her wedding, how far can this get?!!? You may think…
Had the best trip of my life time with my family. Got kinda attached to the family since the beginning of the year. Spent a whole weekend, travelling around 2 places I haven’t been to in the last 8-10 yrs. Set off to Nuwerliya on a Friday morning, was there until Saturday lunch, back to kandy to tree of life and then on Sunday to lunch at mahaveli… food was awesome, drinks taste different when you have ur uncles mixing it for you…

Oct - nothing happened that stands out...

Nov – mostly uneventful I would…except that i completed 5 yrs in the company.

Dec – it is Christmas, thinking back on all the stuff happening, spending time away from a lot of things, indulgence.. for which I didn’t have the luxury for yet did manage to get around it…

Wishing everyone a happy holidays.. hope the next year works out better…..

~ just another day ~

2008-11-16T12:11:00.001+05:30

where has my love gone
im not just talkin about a person
but my love for living life itself
i've lost my way in too many ways
im not someone who is proud of myself anymore
i've lost the pride that let my head held up high
im not the same i was year(s) back
i've simply become a regular average next door chump

i always knew i was made for somethin larger than who im now
its just that i dont know what it is, where im suppose to be
it has always been an elusive search for inevitable loss at the end
every search begins with a perpetual question
with only the end being the beginning of another
i've lost in the race of suppose to being someone
the soul burns with only desire of roaring high above
but only to taste the dust of the earth where ma knees crumble to

i do not take interest in anythin anymore
its sad and pathetic of my ownself to know i've lost and do nothin abt it
maybe i deserve it after all, karma does have its way
i've done my fair of the dark deeds which has only sold my soul to the devil
so many deserve what i had, or whats left of it after all the destruction
im a walking disaster, a disaster too bold for my own good
i've become to embrace the darker side of me to dwell in its solitude
to only feed the hunger of my pain with more sorrow and darkness

since i lost my love, i've only searched for one thing
destroy every last thing about me that made someone fall in love with me
i've become this creature unworthy of its existance
finding if atleast guilty would wash away the love i have left of
what was taken away from me cannot be returned
and to watch it being handed over on a silver platter to someone in grande gesture
can only make it clear, she indeed deserve someone always better than me
karma just worked itself into my soul, the only way to break me is love
love for the one who i most had it for,to break me was to take it away from me
i was too proud that i was in love who i know was most beautiful in everyway through my eyes
you have ur flaws which only ppl know to point out
but i know of the love we had for each other

my present is consumed by the past i had with you
i've only searched for it some way to be locked away
too deep that even in my last moments i wudnt feel it again
making me want to live the pain even though i knew wht it wud be
and where do i stand today, just left to feeling completely worthless
where in this love was i blinded from the truth of the life
good and evil can never join to become one
i dont where i'm suppose to lead myself to now
with you around i thought i has a purpose
wish i can let myself to believe in me again
i've lost it to believe i wud ever make anything good of whats given to me
i've lost it to trust myself ever again
for once not break it down to a million pieces
to treasure it someplace safe
and right now its only the memories of you and me
no matter what has happened now and time before
no one can take what you gave me to keep deep in me
your love and the times with you
the feeling of holding you, being in love, being loved
and today for tomorrow and the day after to follow there is nothin left to take away
what was mine and mine only was taken away the day you u had to let me go
my soul just flew out of my body and i turned to nothin

where i stand today, is not where i want to be
you know abt my stubborness to even hurt myself to prove you a point
and yet you ask of me things which shud have never escaped your lips
there is nothin that i can hate you for cos i know why you did what you did
but im only glad you've finally understood it yourself
it was a choice you made, and your sticking by the choice you made
listening to BEST I EVER HAD at 2 in the mornin
thinking about how times have changed and so have we
no more long chats, no more fights on the phone, no more sorry to tell each other
no more acting cute just to get smiling like baby with all the innocence in the world
tryin to put it all in a box where i leave on a jet plane to far off land
but like always even the plane is no where to be found not even the deserted island
nothin will feel like the wy it did with you, nothin will change
everywhere its just you and simply cant help but only to pack away
and im not even lucky to do that, just the perfect end

~ timing ~

2008-09-15T14:08:00.002+05:30

ever done whats the start and where anythin it all ends
is it with birth and death or is the from one sec to another
what is the right time for anythin, who decides on this
ever in search of that perfect timing, which seems to elude all of us
how do you measure it, by wht quantitative
who decides when is that perfect moment
is it within our hands that we are too fragile to take hold of
or is it somethin that will never be ours just call it fate

in my not so perfect lil world, timing is often been too loong or too short
i was always too fast or too slow things
never did i catch up to the time or atleast how i saw it
every birthday or around it involved losing someone
15 - lost my dad's mom
16 - lost my dad
23 - lost a close family friend
thank god there was a break in between but there was alot that happened inbetween too
for how long am i goin to put up with this loss
when i turned 21 i was never ever so happy in my life
i had a grl friend who was half wy around the world who sent me cake and actually made me blush in front of my mom
and before i turned 22 she walked out on us
and right after im 23 she is married to someone
wish there was a map to all this, wht im suppose to do
or where am i suppose to go, who am i suppose to meet or even run into
everything in my life happened for the best and to change my life
every change has been just another tumble
the ride has been tiring, not to complain about wht has made me smile through all this

and today here i'm wondering what to do
at 23 i dont know where im going
wish i can be more, there is voice in me which says im born for more
im in search of what that is, wish it was more clearer
or my mind was clouded with too many thoughts of the day n night of pain
ever wondered if you can erase memory and forget about everythin
move onto a new whole world that you never existed, a clean slate all over again
wish i wud you give myself to what im suppose to feel
rather clogged in my own nutshell of self destruction
or is my more about the chaos that i can be
what more could i destroy than i have destroyed now
cause of my foolishness i might have destroyed a family
cause of my care and love which blossomed to a relationship which destroyed someone life
cause of being who i am destroying my mom's happiness each day
how many more am i goin on about

wish my parents brought me up like other kids
sat and told them whats wrong, whats not
where to take the lead on and where to say no
let me on my own and here im payin the price
a price i will never finish payin
maybe what goes around comes back around
and what i've given has been so evil
that the come back is with interest
wish i can clean it al, take it back
karma sure is a bitch and she is just loving me

where ever my roads may lead to,
its all me, it has always been me
need to get my head more clear the next time i come across turns
choose the 2nd to the one which my heart jumps at
until then you can read about the lo$t $oul

~ being who i am ~

2008-08-21T11:46:00.002+05:30

Continuing on being 23, its quiet hard to accept when you get past a certain age i suppose
now i understand why most ppl whine and rant abt aging and hiding the real age
which makes me think of how i've never lived my life on my age
everything that happened either too quick or too slow
but never in the perfect moment of time except for a very few things
there is no possibility that i could relate myself to anyone else
i've roamed to find a mirror to compare and know where im is where i shud be
if not for questions and answers where would be today

my mind is filled with so many questions right now, when its even 1.30 in the middle of the morning, i shud be out partyin, hittin up on the last drinks for the night, where as im sittin here at home after watchin a movie. Back to the questions, I let myself drown in certain someone i've tried so hard to get over. But only to end up with more questions and more of the times i was with her. Truth be told, im no expert at relationship, i do know a few things, here & there to save myself. I keep wondering myself to so many IF's, which i'll never have answers to, cause i'd never be speaking to her again, if she'd be even talking to be, don't think i'd be the guy to ask her any questions.. I've even let myself wonder on what happened, why it happened, how it all happened.

I dont know who im anymore. plain and simple as i would put it. over breakup and downturn, most would come up with the phrase as "back to square one". In my case i would say, "BACK TO BEING OUT OF THE GAME." i'd gladly say im a loser (one hella of loser*bigtime reality check*). I've been told many times, I DON HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO FIGHT, I DON HAVE IT TAKES TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO, GIVE UP ON THINGS WHEN IT GETS A LIL TOUGH. the recent few months have been the toughest in my life, career wise, i commited a suicide by throwing a promotion out the window. Now window is a lil understatement after all the heated arguments & bombings. how many of you would have what it takes to walk away or stay and fight for whats rightfully yours? What i've learnt until now is, no matter how much you deserve to have whats yours, you'd have a million ppl reasoning against it, and they'd do anything in their last will power to take down who they want to. Seriously makes me wonder where is that will power of mine? I was once blood thirsty animal, who would stand against any storm and say FUCK you right in the face. But now i turn away from the storm after a hard beating with a smile on my face. i guess learning to let it go has some how taught to me LET IT ALL GO, ending up being on either clean slate or being totally make the life altering mistakes which you can never go back to change.

I clearly dont know where i would start off now. everyone dies for a fresh start at some point in their life. i wonder if this is mine. I've got a lot to clean up, specially on the mess i've gotten myself into since work. But like all things, everything does come to an end, question is IS THIS MY END GAME? I keep wondering to myself, if i've turned myself to be my father, stuck in a dead end job, who cant make a move because of certain choices. Wish i'd have someone to talk to, i so wish you'd be around to tell me something. I've made choices that even i regret in my life, but i only wish that i wouldnt be so arrogant, such a knuckle head, im a walking talking self desruct button always pushed on. my pride, my ego, my arrogance is desructive, i dont know where im goin to end up. I had someone to pull me back each time i'd get outta bounds, but now the voices gets blocked inside my head, i cant hear myself anymore. it's difficult to be who i am, where i am. Being me is no easy task, there is moral quarrel between the animal im am and the man inside me, even when its at looking a pretty looking lady. i digust my own self.

there was so many things i believed about life when i was with my last girl, love is such a dagger even when its being pulled out, there is pain, and somehow the wounds still like the metal slashin the meat away and the sting sends you to a state of mind you lose yourself in it. indulgance in such is what i've done so far. i havent even realised that there was no knife, it was only my mind sayin there is pain and love. the awakening hasn't been pretty. the animal which has been sleeping inside the the cover the man i was tryin to become of, is out and in vengence. there is no love anymore, how can there be any love, when it was yanked out of me. such a blind fool to everything that ever happened. today i've lost what i tried to become, to which ill never be. i will learn to love again, but the mind has blocked my heart so far locked inside, i cant hear the voice no more. it has become of my manipulative desructive mind, which wants to live the mind. path to the destruction has begun, from now on its goin to FUCK YOU LIFE, WORLD MEET THE ANIMAL...i'm learning to be the destruction im meant to become of, anythin i touch, anyone who cares or loves for me. i guess its a gift, no matter how hard you fight to run away from it, if your born to be this, for how long and far can i be running away from the destiny. to being 23 and to being the dark side of the lo$t $oul

For the one, if your still reading this, this is meant not to hurt you in anyway, im simply lost again, dont think there is anything that can be done now. Remember to smile, look pretty as how you'd look on any given day.

Question: i've got a 18 page, 12K+ word document which spans for 6 months, sort of digital journal during my last relationship. wondering what i should be doing to it..help anyone.

~ 23 ~

2008-08-14T10:30:00.003+05:30

This is not a post on the Jersey no of David Beckham or Lebron James or Michael Jordan..
I'm officially 23 now, it sucks aging!! i've never felt so old in my life.. and its just beginning!
It was not like any other b'day celebration's i've had before, it was very simple this year, dinner with a friend and late night coffee, right on the day before ma b'day. hmmm it was nice to be wished by so many.. thanks to FB i guess.. :P hehe

got to run now, aint got no time for blogging or commenting again... will get back to blogger world sometime soon.. until then.. i aint dead, im just MIA..

~ never ending ~

2008-07-05T11:43:00.002+05:30

where do u turn to when ur world just crumbles down
brings me to my knees wishing i don have to see tomorrow
with everythin so deep and heavy draggin me down more
wanting that yesterday's sweetness
the smell of your perfume on my shirt
the stains of ur lipstick on my collar
the way ur hands finds mine and fits perfectly in it
and that all lost look into my eyes

why does my heart still linger on yesterday's memory
all u say now is for me to be happy with wht i've got now
only happiness i ever remember is having you in my arms
and hearing your voice so late in the nights
and waking me up too early to open ma eyes
wishin that i had your voice to wake upto
that innocent childish look on your fresh in the morning

why did we end up caring too much of each other
and both of us stranded and left alone in each other's world
only words spoken over keyboard
and yet the feelings so fresh, the love we had for each other
why couldnt we try hard at wht we hard
why did i even choose to let you go
i cant forgive myself for that ever again in my life
making you cry today and leave you with nothin but pain
when i promised to give all the love i had in me

how did we end up walking away from each other
and realised it when we wre too far away
oceans apart, we ripped each other apart
and want each other wen we cant have each other
after so much has changed on your side
and im still waiting ashore waiting of that becon
all i do is sit up in my lonliness thinking about us

i've got your words, your cute ways deep too much inside me
things that no one ever replace, a feelin thats never goin to change
how could you the love i had for you to someone else
just cos you chose to be with someone else doesnt mean i need to
i hate it each time you have a fight and gettin treated wrong
cant help it other than to pray u have a better tomorrow
when wud ever learn we needed each other more than anythin else in our lifes
and yet we decided to be apart, not for now but for ever

i can never forget what you gave me when u with me
puttin up through ma rainy days and hopin we'd have sunshine together
but today i've left with only more rain
hopin and prayin it'd wash away my pain
but i don wanna let it all wash it away
cos im too afraid the rain my wash out the love left in me
the love we promised to have for each other
no matter how apart we are, no matter where we went
no matter whom we met, the days we had together belonged to us

im left in pain, thinkin and cryin and prayin to turn back time
just this one time to have you back in arms and not let go of you this time
the truth and the pain ill be if i do let go of ur hands
why didnt you ever look back and ask me once again
you left with just a cry in your voice
everythin changed the time we decided to be part
now to know there is love still left burnin in us

i've got your words for eternity
"i wish i hadn't met you
i wish i hadn't fallen in love you
then maybe i wud have thought this is life n got on fine"
you broke me down the first time you left
and into pieces no one can pick it and put it back in place
left me alive only to take away my soul with you
when u packed your bags and decided to let me go
i cant help it no more to tell you i need you in my life
name what do i have to give to have you back
but i guess there's nothin to change
not today, when you stand in line to be a wife of another man
dreams of us together shattered
love for each other burnin our souls out
for we care not about tomorrow, we care too much abt each other

~ tagged ~

2008-06-04T17:52:00.004+05:30

Thanks to Indyana for the taggin...

NOW THIS TAG HAS RULES,AS FOLLOWS:
*Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
*Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
*Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
*Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven random things about me

I suck at real face to face conversation skills
I'm clumsy as ever than to my appearance
Use to be a real sports freak at school
I need my atleast 3hrs after i wake up to come into senses
I love to be alone when im with someone and i earn to be with someone when im alone
I dont think before i dive
I have identities seperate from my family & friends

there i go... 7 random totally useless information.. :D

~ here u go II ~

2008-05-13T16:25:00.003+05:30

another set of designs.. hmm you'll like it...

~ here i go ~

2008-05-07T20:34:00.004+05:30

ok.. with much regret, starting to post some pics of the stuff i've been designing on... not the best of what i've done. just a few randoms stuff..

be sure to let me know what you'll think...

~ to or not to ~

2008-04-27T11:36:00.003+05:30

im in a lil confusion of i shud be puttin my designing skills (or lack thereof) online. I've been told my many to go sell ma designs to alot of accessories or designer jewellery outlets.. im not too confident in showing them off in public, as we all know ripping off is our born instinct :-D

so bloggers.. wht do u think.. i shud or shud not.. n wait for my real chance...

~ so long... ~

2008-04-16T11:44:00.004+05:30

Never been the guy who had the right words to say bye
even though we would see each other often
even though we would have a long way to go
we part today as colleagues
a bond that can never been replaced
a friendship that means more than anythin in my life
a good 4 years fightin, arguing, being there for me
there is nothin i would wanna go back n redo today
but in silent promise to be there for you

we never got started on the right foot
still we managed to find somethin to keep us together this long
looking back at all of it, it jus seems blur
how we met, how we came together
how we parted from each other, still found each other
all the laughs all the misunderstanding
someone who knew to knock me down when i had to be
the one person i ever gave ear to
the who knew changed the animal to the man
yet still treat me a kid

through your struggles and hardship u've never forgotten to smile
in turn made me look at u in a whole different way i've never seen
as a person, there couldnt be anyone to beat your place in my heart
as a friend, i'd have to write all day long what u've been to me
as a colleague, how to be a figure to look for professionalism
i could never finish thanking for everything you've been for me
but i guess you should know by now, im not much of spoken words

u've given me light in my life like no other
and yet you ask me to search for more brightness in my life
before i met you and who im right now
not many ppl would know my true self
before im nothing, beside you im just your shadow
everything u've given me can never be replaced

there is no one who knows me inside out like u do
what made you tear me up n look for whats inside
all i do right now is smile thinkin about all the long night chats
the coffee's together, the silent walks, the standin up, the fights
endless memories of our time together
how is that i decided to let u ride along with me
time's we walked away from each other
yet coming back together without ever mentioning about it

its been a real good life
and now your not going to be around with me
to ask me to keep ma cool, to let it go, to be sensitive
where wud i go looking for the wisdom of yours
where wud i go looking for the smile when my world seems to be crashin
where wud i run to when i need advice
guess i'd have to keep it all together by myself

the bond we share is just so strange and comfortable
how we both know that there is somethin bothering the other
how well we fit in each other's uncomfortable zone
the space we make for each other, the time we make for us
how each other bluntness makes us laugh in the toughest times
how we managed to stick up for each other no matter how hard it became
the silent conversation with each other

wish i had all videoed, just to sit back and watch it all over again
and yet still smile about the time we had together
how can i ever pay back for the angel u've been to me
guess thats a question left for you answer
i hope we'd have a lot more years together to laugh, to cry
for you to tell me "I hate you lo$t $oul" everytime i read you
so here's to the 4 years of tolerating a nonsense like me
hope i'd make it upto to you someday and make some of ur dreams come true
all i ask from you is to keep that smile of urs on always
have the best in life, for your good heart nothin can beat you
love you grl.. take care of your self...c u sooner than ever.

~ overdue ~

2008-04-03T18:27:00.004+05:30

this is something which i got last August over a friends b'day. Everyone was totally against it.. but then again.. its just me ;-)

comments pls.. :-)

~ behind curtains ~

2008-03-26T13:11:00.002+05:30

i dont know why u got to hide behind curtains
wht can i do to make u come out of it
tell me how u feel for me
sittin up here dreaming about the pain n love
everythin seems to have changed
my body has forgotten how ur hands crush mine
how evertime ur lips meet mine sends shivers down my spine
ur baby soft skin rubbin mine cheek
but in my mind all too fresh to ever let it go
the smell of ur hair, ur kiss, ur skin
i still can feel the gloss on my neck before left me
how ur hands crushed me and held onto it longer
i never relaised that u wre goin to leave me
wanted to hold me one last time before never forever

im suppose to be stronger than this
what happened to my castle with all those high walls
where did it all go before you
u just stepped up and if all fell n tumbled
left u see the real me
behind the bad boy, the animal, lost cause
there was someone who believed in hope love and you
when everyone else was just another name just another number
u stood there until i walked and took u in my arms
someone i'd never forget in this life time
not even my soul would know to forget the happiness you gave
the time u've made smile when everythin fell apart
the deep look into ur eyes which gave me hope
your caring words and warmth that gave me love
and the friend that you gave me of urself
i can never forget the love which i had for you

what happened to the promises we made
we stick till the end no matter wht comes through
im still stickin to my end of the deal
waiting for you to pick me up where u left me
but the flight you took is just on one way ticket
no return no look back
just promsises and questions left unaswered
im here looking for the trace where i went wrong
maybe i wasnt the one who wre looking to take home
thought u knew that before we even started anything
has social staus, money, car, greener pasture bought ur love off me
did it settle our promises
everyone's got a price, everything got a price
i never could afford to buy u off that

days have passed me by n its been a year since u let go
it still feels likes yesterday ur voice ringig in my ear
your last cry i heard from you n i was a fool to say it be alright
all the while been the fool to believe in love
to believe somethin good as u wud ever last for ever in my life
there is a pain which crushes my heart each time i keep think abt us
wish it wud crush n flush the blood out of my heart
so it stops beating n let my lo$t $oul rest in peace
a wish no one can fulfill for me a eternal only which only u can put me to
i need to stop cryin over you, i need to stop thinkin abt us
u've moved on, it times for me to move on
not to someone else, but on with my life
u'd be fresh in my mind for longer than you know
i can't let anyone else take your place
there is not enough room to anyone
u've taken it all, stolen n lost it

~ its been a while ~

2008-03-18T12:38:00.002+05:30

been running too wild, far too long
its easy to say im just 22 for now
to say its just the beginning n not the end
for all i know nobody fits ma shoes
cos im the animal iam
there is nothin i can do about it
its goin to be the wilder
im search of my end with no destiny

hating to have let go of u
but i had to, now regrettin n weepin over it
time to wake up from this
let go of ma love let go of the pain
let myself be the stranger iam
hearts so cold like u say
takin ma mind of you

with no feeling no emotions
its all the doubts and gaps fillin between me n u
there is nothin that you can do now to fill the gap
wish i can let my soul fly from this body
close my eyes n go to rest for ever
could you grant me the eternal rest

i didnt ask to you love me
i was fine before you swept the ground i was standing on
this life doesnt have no justice
why is that everytime i love its got to be taken away
there is nothin in my life which is goin to make me feel better
words cant heal ma pain nor stitch it back like how it was
just left me back n packed ur bags n flew far away

u cant say anythin now to make it right
whtevers done is goin to stay as it is
where ever ur right now, ur love is gone
its just me alone here, there is nothin u can abt it
u cant ask me to be a better man
you've for me stranded me and trapped in your web
i cant seem to walk away, i keep circling back
would i ever know the exist to this
spending time alone thinknin abt u n me

love aint enough this world to make a relationship work
u need everythin else for the love to work
i did go crazy every second i think about
when u left me lovestoned
thinkin about you use to love me
i cant wake up everythin thinkin how we spent time
just aint right no more cos everythings too far back
too long for you to remember

can u give me back the nights thinkin abt u
wondering if u'd be thinkin abt me
everythin so still here while i see u move fast across me
u've left me no number left me no name left me nothin
why am i sayin it now wht i shud have told u wen u left me
nothins goin to change, nobody can rewind
its gone far too away for me to reach
and i still cant seem to find the close
end it all for me, right now right here
this is to since a year you walked away n let me go
and the years of pain its going to be

~ still ~

2008-03-15T14:52:00.002+05:30

still alive.. without a reason. waiting for the ending...
would fate bring my end or wud it be my own self
i have nothin left in this world
i have pain and a lil happiness left this heart
the happiness only seems to be dryin away each day
before i turn back to stone take me away

~ lo$t again ~

2008-01-17T12:33:00.001+05:30

everythin around doesnt mean anythin anymore
all i ever did was i loved you more each day
and it just wasnt enough for both of us
we parted away with a smile and tear in our hearts
today im here nothin but to love you still
you would never understand the love i had for you
each day passes by only with ur smile in my mind
ur fragrance still in my memory
all i wanna do is just to walk away from it all
but i cant seem to find the strength in my heart to do that
all i wanted to give u happiness
so i let you go
n today im so lonely n too tired to keep fightin
i cant fight no more, just too much of misery
im nothin but dead in my heart
nothin but pain
nothin but broken heart
wud it ever end
wud i ever get tht same love again

i thought i wud be over you sooner
but there is so much u dont know
so much i didnt i had for you
evrythin around me is so blur
everythin around me doesnt matter no more
all i want is ur love
which i wud never get again
why did i ever let u go
do i even know your happy
do i know the smile is not fake
am i being blind that you've moved on
im still stuck here with the love i have for you
tried to move on so many ways
i can only think just to forget everythin
everythin reminds about u
everythin around me reminds about you

what did i ever do to make u fall for me
n today im nothin but fallen
far too gone to come back
not this time, not again
just too lost n cant find my way
all i wanna do is end the misery im goin tru
no one can love me the wy u did
u filled the heart with so much of love
now its so heavy n i cant go on like this forever
take my pain away, take away the love you put in there
take away the memory, take away everythin u had
i cant do this anymore
i cant live everyday with a smile thats not for you
im jus throwin away wht i have today

all i wanted was to make you happy
wud i ever know that i made u happy
wud i ever get to see that innocent smile
wud i ever get to feel in my arms again
hate to ever think u just left just like that
u gave me hope, u gave me love
now you took it all way within a breath
before i ever even knew what i've lost in my life
the rainin aint stoppin filled with tears
this aint how we suppose to be
this aint wht we dreamed of
where did we lose each other n end up in misery
why cant i hate u n forget you
why cant i move on
why does my mind tell me u havent left me yet

i've tried to look for my way
end up with nothin but just ur memories
please tell me how do i end it al
end all this pain n love for you
am i payin the price for not loving only you
why did u even leave me alive
u shud have taken away my life when u left me
u took away the life in me n left only body
today i've lost my soul to you
goin gone for ever, like you wanted it to be urs 4evr.

~ stranded and hurt ~

2007-12-15T13:07:00.001+05:30

would it matter im alone today
after dreaming about being with you
everythin turn so sour between us
there is nothin which i can go back to
i don want to sit around thinkin its goin to be ok
even though everyone seems to keep sayin it
no one can make me feel like how i felt about u
every sec i was with you
i made it to be wit you
tell me wht happened tell me where did we go wrong
tell me where did i go wrong
wishin that i had the answer to all the question in ma head
i know i wud never get an answer
its all rumbling inside me wishin i wud see u all those vanish
but time n luck is not on my side today
not today nor will it come back tomo

everytime i wish that wht we went through was a dream
it only comes back in memories of the times i had u with me
n today u belong to someone i cant even think in mind
it just gets hard so time, i feel only guilty all along
u made me happy like no other grl in my life
i aint tellin u now to make myself know wht it means to lose u
just another wy of lettin myself i lost somethin which never belonged
never looked a wy to slip through the back door
where did i go when u needed me
why couldnt u find me when u needed me like u used to
wht happened to we tell each other wht we want
why couldnt u ever talk to me at the end
was i so hard on u to walk away from u
i never asked u stay?
i never asked u to leave to begin with

u wanna think i been emotionless
u know nothin about wht i went through to get here today
i made myself for u, just never showed u myself entirely
u know the dark side of me, u know the downs i've been through
u sticked up as friend, wht happened now
was i too heavy to have u in ur heart anymore
everyday passes by wishin i had an end to the ache in my heart
it only keeps gettin heavier
tears just boil up in my eyes everytime i think about u
where did u go when u wanted me
why did u run away from me when u wanted to me
im not asking u back
i have can never have u the way i had u when i did
today is just another day without u
ur not here, not anymore
not even as a friend to talk when i want to

i miss the baby talk, the rants, the obsession
i miss the part of me which did crazy things just for u
everytime i wud just chuckle wondering why am this to u
just got the answer in a sour way
today i miss being in love with you
nothin can make it right ever again
i've packed my bags, damn its just too heavy for me
wht im today has everythin to do with you
i cant move on upackin u away
but i got no choice except to get up n walk with heaviness
why does love hurt to so bad
not as much it hurt everytime u wanted me to act as though nothin happened
i can play the nice guy anymore baby
it just too much right now

i run towards whts runnin away from
i run back when i see somethin comin my wy
why did i run into u n bump my head into urs
i still don get wht got me into u
its just crazy n ull never know how much yesterday means to me
its not only u whos cryin
u just aint here to watch me
ur times up with me
i wanna know i kept u happy
i hope u never shed a tear for me, cause i aint worth tht
hope u know how to fake a smile for ur today
i aint there no more to be ur baby boy
i cant make u laugh no more
i cant make u cry no more
i cant wish i had u in my arms
all i did was let u down today
u had wht it took to call it over when u know it aint goin no where

back to being the warrior, back to the field
all tht comes to ma mind is u
i cant take it out whts a cancer in me
eatin me lil by lil
if i do, i wudnt be who iam today
i never said, i never got to see ur smile
u didnt wanan c me when u got back
u didnt wanna know how im doing witout u
but why wud u wanna answer it now
never wanna dish u down
but all i do think wht we did n been through
am i ever goin to know to let it my past n walk away
it just tied to me i got no place to go
except the wrong way
this is not how i hoped it wud end
but it don matter now, walked away
kept walkin away from each other and that we did
not even look back to see for each other

no one can give me what u give me
the first time of being in ur arms
having the most beautiful angel whom wanted to be with me
wonder to myself wht happened now
im not worth no more for u to have stayed n fight
i didnt have chance to stand up n fight
i'd be under six feet under if we did
but tht didnt matter, i wanted to know atleast u wud fight with me to the end
guess the answer was no, the end u wrote on a call
u got let me go, u can hold me anymore
cause u got someone else to take care of u
even without ur choice u had to just walk into it
someone so strong i jsut wonder wht went where

all im doing right now is sitting here
writing how i feel about
its the fire of love, that burnin my heart out
i wish the flame wud go out
so all i can do is drink up for my pain
with a fake smile on my face
all its goin to take is a mistake
for me to take the step back to where i was
im prayin for the chance to get it over n get it done
even the curse of death doesnt like me anymore
like how it use to like me when i was with u
the love cannot be replaced my another
but just my action which can cheat on the love i had for u
waiting for the chance to give up on my life
i don have wht it takes to take it away
u cud have done with a knife n not with ur love for me
i wonder i still believe that u might have some love left for me

im in search of the fake love, tht fake smile
the fake kiss to get my pain run over by guilt
there is nothin more hurtin n cruel that i can do to u
i hope then my love for u will kill itself inside me
so i wud be born again or die with it
memories to be burned, to be ashed n washed with guilt
wud it make me happier tomo than today
my search for happiness without u has been of vain
why am i cryin now n not when u left me
stop killing me from inside n take it away
put a bullet, bring the rain down on me
get it over, make it done n washed away

im sorry i didnt ask u to stay
im sorry im not around
u got me thinking wht i need to do for me
im just waitin to jump over the edge
waiting to see if i'd fly or wud i go crashin down
i don know wht i can do to stop myself feeling this wy
all i can do is just sit here n write my feelings
u cut deep inside me
not a cut to be stich back
1 in the mornin sittin here
with a drop of tear on the corner of the eye
listenin to good girl gone bad
n writing a dramatic expression of the pain in my heart

~ walking away ~

2007-11-24T14:38:00.001+05:30

everytime i dream about you, i sway my mind the other way around
thinkin it aint even right to feel the same feeling of holding you in ma arms
making me wish now that i had held u tighter more than often as we did
looked into ur eyes to tell you that i loved you
there is nobody else i wanted to spend the rest of my life with
with ur cuteness with ur anger with ur insecurity with your jealousy
its been time n more since the last time we even spoke

all it is to me is sweet memories
im where im i was last year except without you anymore in my life
shake my head in disbelief that a year has passed since we saw each other as lovers
thinkin about only makes me feel like a fool letting go of what i shudnt have
time n over i think to myself i shud have held to ur hands n asked u to stay with me

but there was no chance of that n no right i suppose
u always deserved someone better than me
i still dont know wht u saw in me, to make u think im anywhere close to being the man for you
there have been many a times i've asked you that n i never got an answer
im looking for the unanswered question in my mind to know that u knew wht u got into
rather than just another day in ur life
i hate to hurt to even ask u or say this, i never shud question if you love(d) me or not

today we've lost something we had over 3 years just over 8 months of relationship
i miss the baby talk, i miss listenin to you rant n rave about ur day
about how much you missed me, made me feel i was once worthy of having someone
guess time has answered my question of being worthy enough in ur world
i knew the ending before the beginning
carefull of not steppin ma feet into unknown waters
guess when i turned back to look i was long away from shore
gone too deep, too far into the point of no return

i dont understand how inbetween the begining n the end did i fall into this
all that comes to my mind is the sweet baby voice, the soft skin rubbin on my skin
that lost look in ur eyes, always looking for somethin when im around
i was never there to hold u when u broke down like i use to before
distance n space made each start walkin seperate paths in our lifes
when did we lose each other to other n finally away from the other

everyone say is just a guilt ride you wre on after we walked out on wht we had
but i never gave you up to anyone, even today i wudnt stand anyone trash talk to u
time has passed since i even wrote
the passion, the love, the pain, the hope, has been drained out of my days
today i walk with smile on my face with a scar in my heart
i can never hate you, i can never love you like i loved u again
today im just lo$t $oul who gave it all up cos he wasnt man enough to stand up for wht he wanted

sometimes i feel, how am i feeling alright, even after somethin which blew up in my face
right exactly when i knew it was going to, the drift, the hate talk, the silent treatment
i've done my mistakes, which makes me feel more than a fool to have done it
but everythin meant n counted i suppose
today there is nothin to go back to, only my walk lonely on a beach
when did we say bye to each other, i don remember anythin now
guess thats y i feel ur inside my head

i feel guilty everytime i look another person other than you
still that feelin is inside me even today
but slowly its fading away n which scares me most
how i was tryin to become a better person wen u wre inside me
today with everythin fadin away like yesterdays dream
the chains kept me in wraps have come off

i know that i would neve walk the same road i use to be walking
that which im clear, the promise i made you
there rest a dark fear inside me that i wud let you down, everyone who looked to me
there was blind trust n hope which i had in you
slippin n silding away, guess its just the part of lettin go
im lettin go off the the love n trust n hope of me becomin better

there is nothin i want to change now
how i feel now is just another drop of tear that you get to see, among other ppl who saw me broken down
today is about to be over, when its tomorrow, it wud be sweet dreams of yesterday
and the day after, the day following, n soon wud seem like far far away
all it meant to was everythin of yesterdays second
and everythin slipped away, nothin much the stain of tears in my hands
time to wash it all away, time to wake up from the dream
back to one day at a time in the life of a lo$t $oul

~ mia ii ~

2007-11-03T13:57:00.001+05:30

im still alive. :)

~ mia ~

2007-09-30T20:56:00.001+05:30

well not literally.. im almost miles n miles away from technology these days. with so many restriction to access even comment on a blog!! wud anyone believe that.. oh atleast i get to read the blogs :) hehe..

getting really busy with work, outta country and hating it as well. i guess its just completely business.. i mean literally business. things to do, deadlines to meet, reports, updates on trainees'.. wht not. no entertain wht so ever. biggest disappointment of all.. the whole team is married. they are bunch of nice ppl so far, but then again 5 ladies all taken.. pity me lord even lil bit. totally lacking any good lookin ladies here.. i mean literally.. no good looking ladies at al!! completely going insane..

then comes the all time question - "how old are you btw?" - and the comments...

mumbai chick ~ OMG ur younger than ma lil sis... (rollin eyes n big smile)

dark ~ hmmm ur the youngest of al!!

blonde ~ oh jeeeesss

wht can i say.. im too young to mingle ;-) only if it was colombo n i was using ma magic stick to work it like i work it...

ppl need to literally explain to me.. is it written on my forehead or somethin i've gf's more than the fingers they can use to count!?!? i mean come on.. give me break here.. i've slowed drastically over the months..(giving out one yr of my life for love) rest of it, from last yr april/may i think n till this yr right on easter.. n to now.. my luck on woman just dropped!! literally.. sheeez i wish i can wind back couple of yrs n enjoy all the hmmm hmmm... ;-)

well i just wanted to say hi to all the ppl who use to read or stils reads this boredom site.. im still alive but not kickin as i use to be.. :D

take care you'll... once i get back to civilaztion with no security issue assole who think they can control me.. >:)

~ shining ~

2007-08-25T10:53:00.001+05:30

you need to be in darkness to know n seek the light
the light comes in many different ways
it sometimes passes by us in an instance that you dont notice
how do u know which light is right one for youi've spent my life so far dwellin in the darkness
seeking my solitude in it and being too comfortable
time was right when i needed to move away from the darkness and towards the light
i did make the move and i thought i was the best thing that happened to me
i dont know wht made the light fade away from my life
but now there has always been a light in my life that never faded
the light i see in your eyes, the light that shines you above others
what makes you more special than anyone else in my life
will it always be there, i will never know
everyday i see it shine brighter than yesterdayit so hard to make you see the light you are
or is ur modesty that is hard n never for me to break through
i can only wish that you would feel your precious and most wanted
i've tried my days to make you feel special
i've tried to make you happy, make you feel the most wanted person in my life
i rarely get the chance to do so and make it for you
even those im always late or never mad it the whole nine yards of the wish
i keep wonderin to myself when wud i ever make it upto you
for all you have been in my life, for all you have done in my days to lighten up
the load you have eased off my shoulder, all the crap i've poured out
everythin you have done for me cannot be done over again by anyone else
you'd always bee special in my heart till my eyes close for the final time
your everythin in my mind when i happen to be smiling
i wish i had more time with you everyday
you've asked me a million time, don i get fed up of you?
how could i ever do that what makes me smile n happy
all i need to do is think about you in my mind and rest of trouble flies away
wonder to myself what wud happen when there is distance between us
i've realised it cannot make us grow apart but make it special
im not the same person who you met the first timehow much has changed is not somethin i can write up
guess a part of me will never change, or how you see me as kid
wud u see me past being younger than you and look at me just as a guy
its just another silly dream of mine out of all the millions
wanted to write you n tell u how much im missing you right now
hope you enjoy reading this, and wud love to see the smile that always comes up
wish you here hun, miss you more than ever,come back soon
i wanna see your smile more than anythin else in world right now
you'd aways be special and only be more the next moment in my life

~ breaking down ~

2007-05-30T15:26:00.006+05:30

every story has two sides like of a coin. most of us don look on both sides. some prefer to stick on one side. this in a wy can be better off, but sometimes, when no one knows wht happens actually its easier to jump into conclusion. but we all know there is there always two sides to anythin. recently i've been having a lot of storm. and it just keeps comin n comin without any ending. be it with the love that im tryin to reconcile, be it friendship, be it work. my life revolves around few things, the people im close with, people who are close with me(lately lack thereof), work, and few friends who i hang/talk with. Most who are close to me have ended up taking the wrong pic of me, or maybe they are right n i don see the real picture which they see me as im, maybe thats my originality.

I've always worked hard to get to where am i now. with people, with work. but its all breaking down, comin down like rain, and it dont matter. i've tried my best to keep things in wrap, all i can think n say to myself is wait till the rain is over. but it doesnt seem to stop at al. wish i knew which turn to take, which move to make, what words to say. even though i wud be dejavu, sometimes it makes life a lil easier. so how do i hold up, when i dont know wht im holding up for. everything i've worked for all this while, has broken down to pieces n cant make anythin of it anymore. its decision which i need to make, do i turn back on the road i've walked so far, tryin to keep myself together for someone i really loved n cared about, waiting for her, never doubting her, giving her all the freedom in the world. non of that doesnt even exist anymore.

believes have changed, times have changed, people's mind/thinking have changed. and im still tryin to be the good person. I know im far from it, im nothin of being perfect bf or even a friend. sometimes i dont know, how just a sentence can make a lose eveything u had with them vanish in thin air, how months of waiting to meet you love n tryin ur best to be with her, ends up being not enough work or not enough time for the relationship. how abt the late nights after work that i use to sit up n talk to cos i don get to see u everyday. early mornin wake up calls, which im jus barely gettin some, which i most loved of, when u wanted to hear ma voice. did it all mean anythin how we use to be. does non of that mean anythin to you anymore. for a simple reason i let go of thinkin u'd have a better life without, what ur parents can give, it became my fault, my wrong. i was never thinkin about me, i was always thinking about u. there cant be two dreamers in a relationship.

its breaking me down, how everythin we've been through means nothin, was not enough. u wre on holiday, i wasn't. i had bills to pay, job to keep, things to run. least i thought u'd understand. U never understand me on how i looked at you. you wre too pretty, too cute, too adorable to be with a guy like me. i've always loved the way u wre. i've always appreciated the wy u've looked, n now i never said u look good. im not tellin these to hurt you, i just want u to think back. im trying to hold it together to be the good person, its just breakin me inside to turn to do the wrong, say what i don mean, but just hurt u back. ill never do that purposely. just so u know im down, hurt n lost, i've got no where to go, i cant take no more pain to stand tall. i've become weak as ever. i simply wish u'd understand that. I dont know wht ur goin tru there all by urself. some how i feel i shudnt have let u go, when u wanted to walk away, but now, after u reasoning me to believe i don love u, or i never loved you. i dono wht to say.

nothin means anythin anymore. i feel as if im lost again. my head aint clear, my thoughts become blurry. i've tried to keep focus, but i cant, im losing u, im losing everyone. cant fight no more, got no strength, got no perspective to see things. all im doing is breaking down, pushin ma self destruct harder than ever. time to let go of me darling, i was never there to be with u now ya? u meant a lot, alot more than u though how much u meant to me, just never had the words to tell, cos u'd take me for a regular, kept u on the surprise n dark, guess u walked out when u cudnt take it waiting in the dark, when u wre everythin for me stay sane n be ur man. given up everythin for you, making a day for us, making a life for u n me.. guess it don matter now, cos im no more there for u. breaking down is all im doin right now, u aint here to watch me, u aint here to hold, aint goin to lend out ma hand anymore. back to the animal i was, better for u, better for everyone...u know where to come knocking when u need me, u'd always be my everythin.

"Slip out the back before they know you were there

And at the worst you'll see nobody cares

Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down

Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know

All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control

To the point where everything was going end over end

I'm spinning around in circles again

This is where you come in

All of this to explain to you whyI had to separate myself away from yesterday's life

Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be

But I had to protect you from me

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

I know you felt unprepared

But every single time I was around I just bring you down

And I could tell that it was time to be scared

Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there

And I know the way I left wasn't fairI didn't want to be around just to bring you down

I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care"

~ brokensouline ends ~

2007-05-07T13:28:00.001+05:30

yet again, the souline is broken. there is no life that i see. if most dont get what im saying. its over. curtains closed. the relationship with someone you believed you wud spend ur remaining lifetime with call it quits. couldnt put up with a guy like me. truths exchanged. curtains brought down. im no more the person she thought i was. everythin has to end right. atleast u had it what it takes to call it quits. sensible one in the relationship. n i foolishly beleived i wud have someone good as u in ma life for the rest of ur life. everythin has a reason. maybe i'm payin the price for my sins. well alls well ends well i hope.

thanks to everyone who've been reading, supporting and giving their in love in words for what i write.

take care n love to everyone.

~ look at you ~

2007-03-26T20:18:00.001+05:30

everytime i look at myself in the mirror

i saw nothin but a empty shell before i met you

nothin in that life was certain

nothin of it brought real happines

but still i lived it with no purpose

comin to think about what changed my life today

all i can see is you

where did u go when i miss you so much

although it seems like the same i did to do

also feels likes i get what i deserve

i left u in the cold for many days

and i waiting for the summer with you

wish i can turn back time n make it upto you

but all i wanna do is move forward

think about how wud i make it up for you

wishing i'd get every min to spend with you

to make you happy n complete with me

i do not know if im asking for too much

but that is all i ask from you

be with me right now for the rest our time

let me keep you happy

i know i've let u down, never meant to

but i just did happen

wud u be there when i want to make it up

wud u let me be the guy you wanna close ur eyes n dream away

anythin in our days is nothin but if n buts

wish there wud be a day where both of us wud have non of that

have everythin for you and me

hoping for the day to come when you wud be mine

untill time folds for us to be together

i'd just be looking into the mirror

with no one by my side

except for you in my eyes n mind

~ deleted ~

2007-03-26T20:11:00.001+05:30

there are things which u don hold onto, which is said to cause you nothin but negative effects. So im getting rid of mine, grudge against someone. I've taken off the previous post which i wrote. I very much thank everyone who read i did comment. i don wanna waste space on ma blog, who made my life miserable. i want to keep this place for the ones i care about - my love, my friends, my life. or just about daily stuff.

So thanks for reading n commenting on previous, time to let go off things.

cheeeerzzzz

~ perspective, hope, love, n wht not ~

2007-02-27T21:53:00.001+05:30

how you view something, pov of someone, how you place urself. lately i've lost the perspective in my life. when someone leaves you to be far, the perspective changed. to me its been changing for as long as i've known. how does perspective affect yours? when there is uncertainity of the path thats laid before you becomes blurry or unstable, when u thought everythin has been set out, somethin along the way changes the course or draws ur attention away from where you want to be. how do use ur perspective to be able to see the bigger picture.

lately i've not been myself, too much emptiness. why is that when i get too close to someone they are taken away. its just happenin all over. when i started my long distance, i knew it was difficult, but never imagined if wud be so hard. i mean everything around us has changed. guess im taking my time to take everythin into me. but wht if i end being too late to make anythin for u. would be alright if i don get the chance again to be with you. everything has become so uncertain. i've never waited for anyone as much i've waited for u. i've never given so much of myself for anyone else in my life. when my whole perspective of love, relationship, companionship, life changed everythin in line with you. now your taken away from me. my mind keeps saying that everything is going to be alright.

i've never hoped for anythin in my life. while grew, i made myself a hard head, any emotion that could make me weak out not in me. but u showed me there is nothin wrong in having some for a better day. there is only hope that you'd be with me. with everythin else going wrong around me, only thing keeping me on track is you. sometimes lonliness creeps too much. i just get petrified when i think whats going to happen to tomorrow. i know your parents are never goin accept whats between, yet i hold your arm. everyone tells me im too young to be in a serious relationship. well i've run the field for sometime now, i might be kid by age, but i've got my fair share of time to getting to play, find what you want for the rest of ur n not for the night.

i started to write on somethin, i've ended up with somethin else. my perspective has changed to see you wud be with me for a very long long time. to be there for u when u need me, in the right way. to hold you in my arms, n im too proud to take u out(i hope u know tht). im not the bad ass guy u knew when we were friends. u know i've changed myself for u. there is so much which i was yesterday which im not today. inside me there is the animal and the human. somehow u managed to make the human out of the animal. but sometimes i've scarred you. sorry wud help at al, just so u know i didnt mean to make it that way.

i guess the perspective changes n differs when both of us are on different sides of life n society. what am i goin to change alone? sometime soon maybe i shud understand that n accept that. but when ur young n in love i dont know give up. not again, not with you. ur just happen to be too much in me, aint goin to let go that easily.

~ missing you ~

2007-02-16T18:16:00.001+05:30

wish you were here with me right now
let me put my arms you and hold u close to me
not too tight, not away from me
jus the wy u always come into ma arms when u hug to leave me
ur last fragrance still fresh in my mind
your kiss before you turned n walked away from me
tell me how am i make up the weeks your not going to be here with me
its just been couple of days n still i want u to come back to me right now
thinkin about being away for just weeks drives me crazy
it evens hurts n drives me insane thinkin about you going to be away for far longer than that
my mind just goes to trance, thinking wht u would be doing right this moment
when im sitting here thinkin about you, would u be thinkin about me
would be wishin i was there with you, wishin i was holding your hands
in a land where we are couples n strangers to others
i wish i could steal u away from where i'm
a place only the two of us, look into each others
with no fear of being taken away from each other
where the thought of you'll be always mine
where i know only u and be with you

wake up every mornin next to you, you in ma arms still sleeping
wish i wud wake up before you every mornin, to watch you sleep
roll in bed with your eyes half open and hair fall on me
with my hands holding and my eyes just gaze into you
kiss you mornin, hug you tight and let you curl and fall into sleep again
run ma fingers thru ur hair and curl em
bite ur ear lobes n kiss u on ur lips
n u gettin on me n not letting me sleep
wish you with me, here with me now
so u could wat im typing, so you wud be first who reads this
you wud be the one knowin that i love you too much
i just dont know how to tell it to you
maybe im just searchin to say wht to say to you
but i've realised i wished i told you i love you more often
everytime ur hand wud search for mine, everytime you smile just when u look at me

i just cant find a reason wht made u fall in love with me
after u know so much about me, after all the times i've let u down
wonder why took the chance with me
don ever think i wud leave for another
i just hurts too much everytime u say that
i dont know if u mean it or not, but it aint funny
wishin i had someone in life
was getting so comfy in my solitude
not anymore, wishin u wre with me every
my mind maybe roamin around wen im with you
but when i take back to you, i just cant simply find a reason how come those eyes fell for me
would u be mine forever, would u be there when im down, wud u let me be there when ur down
wud u let me hold n let u cry when u just want to

years ahead seems all blur n clear
sandy beaches, no work, no phones, no fear of u being taken away from me
just u n me, i jus wanna melt in ur arms and let u hold me really tight n let go of me ever
walk on the beach, watchin the sunset n dippin our feet in sea
cook for each other, be always in each others arms
house only for the two of us, a place to share between us
a house to be burned wen ur mad at me, a house to be curled in cozy cold weather
wish u wud always fall asleep in ma arms n let me carry you to bed
watch you curl up n sleep in ma arms every night

is this too much to wish for, is this of a young loves' wish or simply how much i miss you,
i've told you wht i want with you from now, with u by my side always
to know no matter how the world turns against me, u wud be there for me
no matter wht comes between us, no matter how many arguments, no matter how many long night conversation, no matter how many early mornin wake up calls, i will be there
always know to let ur hand so i wud grab out for it

miss you too much baby, come back in to ma arms quick
till my eyes set on you, memory of being with you fresh in me..

wrote this while you wre away from me.. hope you'd get to read this know and i do miss you maybe not n how u want me to.. but i sure do...

~ what would i do ~

2007-01-26T21:34:00.001+05:30

been mising you ever since the network went dead on us
havent heard ur voice in 2 weeks, seems like a very long time
the early mornin wake up to ur sweet voice
now my mornings empty, just waking up without hearin ur voice
ur sweet innocence which draws a smile on me always, now only in my memory
waiting til you come back into my arms
to catch you looking into ma eyes
to watch you go blank, to put my arms around you n tell you that i love you

Been all crazy everytime i think about you
two weeks seems endless, thinkin about how long you goin to be away just makes me stare into emptiness
never waited for anyone like i've done for you
maybe the loniless is creeping inside me too much
wanting to be with every second, hopin i wud get more time with you
im sorry i've not given you all my time, somehow you've made me feel how much i need you
how much you must have wanted to be with me n i didnt give you time
makes me look stupid n not worth your time

made up ma mind that you'd be my everythin when u come back
goin to make it upto you ma lil baby love
thinking about all the times you'd get cute with me
thinkin about how much im missin when ur not around me
and when ur around me, the wy ur arms goes around me
the way u make u feel excited when i hold u in my arms
when smile innocently like a lil child

please come back sooon
waiting for you

~ where did u go ~

2007-01-11T15:09:00.001+05:30

"I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home..."

"i've haven't left to any place too remote to be out of touch,
too from civilization,
too far from friends,
too far from those i believe love me,
im next to you,
but i've been gone."

first one is by fort minor which i cant seem to get it out of my head. second is of mine which i feel right now at é moment. my mind has formed a cocoon to distance myself my others. in turn i've managed to hurt the one who loves me. things are starting to be of struggle at the moment. but i feel tht is no excuse to be keep away. i dont know wht im doing sometimes. its all just blur. i know wht i want in life, but gettin wht i want is just too much of a struggle. i was alone i cud do anythin i wanted n the wy i wanted. but not anymore, adjustin to relationship takes time.. right now i've somehow managed. by her love for me or something or the other. i've known to be strong enough nt to crack easily. yesterday my mind just froze when a phone conversation ended up in a hang up by her. things at office was not at the least of normal situation as this happens.. so the day was of fight.

i still cant find a reason as to why this happens, how much she's changed about me, how much she's managed to be inside and take over me. is this wht u call love or i have no idea. too far too deep is how it looks to me. the waking up of each mornin to her voice(not living together, just a wake up call, when im barely gettin to sleep), the long conversation on the phone, the irregular meeting at late nights. just a chat and walk around holding her hand. all of that wud be not there for the rest of time until she returns to sri lanka she calls home. nothin is for certain in my life, and the emptiness is now filled, but all good things dont last long in my life. not once, not twice, too many times to count.

i wish i wud get to explain to her how i feel. but words n time is somethin which i dont have. im not passionate, emotional, expressive lover. but do u have to be tht to love someone. to give your everythin for u.. but not right. if you think u can hold on a lil longer...ill make it upto you. till then you'd have sing "where did u go...since u be gone, missing you..where did u go..?"

~ Merry Christmas ~

2006-12-22T17:38:00.001+05:30

Hey peeps, just a line drop to wish all the fellow readers a MERRY CHRISTMAS & A GREAT YEAR AHEAD. hope your dreams and wishes come true in the new year, blessed with good health and prosperity. regards to you'll and your loved ones. Have a blast and drop a line about how you spend your season.... have the best!.

P.S DONT DRINK & DRIVE!!! wht are friends for, don let them drink, cos they got to drive you home ..hak hak hak..

ENNNNNNNNNNNNJJJJJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYY.

~ thinkin about... ~

2006-12-01T13:40:00.001+05:30

ok, i've come across many faces in my life, only a few or the long list next to come have managed to make an impression in me. is more or like lesson i learnt from them and made of myself who im today. to kick off, i think its fine to start with my roots...ma parents.

dad ~ hmmm lived with him only 14 of my 21yrs on earth. first seperation at an age i was so care free about and didnt realise that i wouldnt be seeing him next morning, thats when he left india n came to sl, when i was 6-7. then we(mom n myself) came to sl when i was 9. so back together, still there wasnt much, but i got to be with my father. then its the usual teenage when the father n son don get along n i was myself like always, hard headed n too bold to stand against ma dad and everythin he said i made a point to stand against. after 16 bday, i lost him for the rest of my life. he would not be there when i come home, he wouldnt be there to feel proud when i achieve things in life, he wouldnt be there for anythin more in my life. i don wanna turn back time n not to do those things which i did. but i want him here now, to show i didnt turn tht out to be that bad after all, like u presumed i would throw away my life, though even now i have a long way to go in life.

to start telling about the man, he is opposite of me. he's family guy. born as the 3rd in the family of 5 children. the middle, so equally respected and looked upon. ma grandmom's fav son and im guessing he's more like my grandad, i don remember much of him, though i have memories of his traits in my father. its some charm about him i suppose. everyone in the family was so in love and respect when it comes to him. a simple man, who had a day job, worked hard as a man could and get his family through the day. he was able to keep a roof our head, 3 meals a day, gave his son good education. never lived it luxuriously. his world was about family. he was someone to abide by his parents and not take the chance for leaving the country for better things when it was laid in his hands. ma g'dad refused to send him, cos two of his bros were already abroad. so he stayed back.. imagine that?!?! wht wud have turned out to be if that happened... when i my gmom fell ill, he would go to see her everyday. i look upto him in that sense, he gave everythin for a better family n means of better living not with money but with love and affection. he was not a go getter, he had reached the prime of his to call it quits i suppose. i didnt feel the emptiness when he passed away, since we never got along at that time.. i was just numb. later when i started having the good things in life i wish he was here to prove him he was wrong i became right. thanks to him i learnt to defy anythin on my wy to find out whats out there. its one thing to have independance and another to have the raw thirst. i learnt it from to push n find out. i wanted the finer things in life. he couldnt afford it cos he had a family i dont. i had to fight hard for anythin i want, and the fight gets tougher each day, even now.

i was not brought up in luxury, but i wanted to be kick a** kool kid. being a big time showoff i was, i pushed it with just about anyone didnt care. i had a bunch of friends who wre hard heads, we wre not to mess with. im doing everythin he wouldnt have dreamed of. right now i wish he was here to tell me wht i was doing was wrong n i don need to live in luxury but i would have it to show him there is nothin wrong in luxury. he wanted me to do good in life, maybe thts the reason he pushed it with me n lost me. i'm doing goood! the pride i get out of sayin im his son, the hush/smile/bright lit eyes from ppl is just too good. everyone in the family now looks at me like they use to look at him. its both hard n good. the responsibility of having to carry his name. but i've told the family, im not like him, im bred to defy and rock my way in life the way i want to. i wont make the mistake/choice he made in his. this is my dad my life... he never taught me anythin while he was there, now he's making me realise what im missing.

mom ~ hmmm sweetest and é most annoying person in my life. been with her throughout. saw her cry her heart when her dad passed away, when i was barely 4/5. been in the middle of my fights with myself n dad. well i use to get clobbered from her big time when i was kid even till about 12. i use to get massacred. if its one thing you should know, i got my short temper from her. its just in the blood. very sweet to everyone. outgoing. innocent to the max, doesnt realise wht she's doing when she saying somethin. im more mature at my age than my mom. couldnt say she was there always cos maybe i never went to her. when i earned my independence at a very young age, i just didnt rely on anyone, i just went about on my own wy i didnt bother about wht they wanted to say... i just did wht i want n thats it. during my dad's loss she was borken down. thats about it. no two words about. completely brought her down to a halt. she use to talk about my dad being with her, this at few months. she would have sleepless nights, break into tears all of a sudden. i use to be harsh, as i wanted to get over it fast. i use to be very harsh on her. she didnt have anyone else to talk to and all the buggin..

now she's much better, proud of her son. but doesnt like his peircin, his clothes sense, all the late night(rather comin of next early morning) almost how i live. to here i would always be a kid, no matter how much i age n become of. just like that and im sure all mom are this with thier kids. they don wanna let go. but my mom has some wht given me the choice of freedom. how i want to make use of my freedom is upto me. i use to wish my wife wud be same as my mom, this is at a very young age.... now NO - cause i cant handle two of the same ppl in one house. no way. i don wan my wife to be anythin like my mom. i hate to told to do somethin early in the mornin. i need my cup of coffee right when i roll out of bed. im very picky about household stuff. from her i learnt wht a woman needs in a life. she just matched my dad so much. she is simple. she spends nothin on her, but wud spend a galore on other ppl. doesnt fancy eating outside, infact ordering pizza is too fancy for her. thats her upbringing. with all these i've managed to get her into the techy side. got her a mobile, which she was reluctant to use. then next i get a head knocking bill which went more than my bill. watches all the latest movies, tamil and now english as well. atleast i have to show how to be a lil fancy...

so thats ma foundation. where i come from to who i'm today...

~ past of my future ~

2006-11-24T18:13:00.001+05:30

a man's future is made by the past and the present
been a long time since i felt low to write something heavy
Im writing now cos im not heavy at heart or low in strength to fight but
im goin back to ma roots of writing to start once again where i came from
a true character of a man and the people would be known when a man is at his lowest n darkest
those around him would either lift him up or let him rot
i was someone of no care to others
i lived by my own rule - i have my own problems i don give a f about wht happens around me
then one day storm just swirled into my life out of no where and took over me n changed me

i feared nothing, i had made myself feel there is nothin as feeling or emotion
its nothin other the state of mind at one given point of time
in my solidarity i learnt to control my feelings my emotions
i learned to be self sufficient, to be stronger, to be hard headed, to take what may come by, leave wht may leave
never string onto anythin, nothin in this world is permanent
it was fear of losing someone again made me feel this way
not to let anyone get close to me except make them feel they are close to me
been a selfish arragont self made evil form oneself
i had my own rules and i will not listen to your to ur opinion, cos i have one myself
nothing else matters except for wht i want in my life and i would give up anythin to get that for that moment of time and i would throw it away like trash
been there done that persona which most cant stand and never will

fate didnt leave me alone, it had to make a change in its own time and given my own time
it was matter of time and in a way that i never i would change my life
i've never let anyone get close to me like she did, in fact i did even let her
she just stormed her way through in to ma mind n heart
opened me up to things i've never believed in or i've put a thick wall between myself and everythin else
things were never the same, things will never be the same
everything mattered when it came to her
felt her love by just the words and nothin else
her support when im down and wounding claws when im uproaring
looking back it was ride never to forget, it would be ungrateful if i did

the writing was started cos of you, since the words that came out of my mouth hurt u, i found the words to make you happy in reading how much you mean to me
my day n life was made when it was with you and in the comfort and agony i fell into with you
you made the better of me come out and yet to have my own thoughts in wht i did
you wre the never to judge but many times mistook me of wht i said before
there are times now wish i hadnt said all that i've said to you, but thats whts has made us closer
through our fights and talks and rumblings, rain n sunshine
you have your wy of bringin out a smile wen im down and a make me feel like beating my guts when im morally wrong

there has been never a moment i wish i hadnt met you, i met you and i've become this
i dont know wht i wud be without your part in my life, seems blank or no clue
everythin is owed to you, my good and how you wanted to see me
in your eyes i would always remain a kid, but you wanted to see a man out of that same kid someday
everyday i've never given up tryin to make it upto you, failed miserably, embarrasingly, disastrously
never stopped have i, even till today, you n i might be oceans apart but our conversations still continues
the wy we argue hasnt changed one bit, but the wy we come together hasnt changed either
its only through toil n sweat we have wht we have, it is through hard work whom we are now
i regret not taking the chance of making u stay and me leave
i felt that was the right choice i could make for you at that point of time
but i regret that every moment im not there to help you or get through it in my own wy

to everythin you meant to be between us, no one will ever be
there are things which i wanted you to see beyond your sight
but somethings will never changes like you say
your frame of mind and strength of heart is always which i've looked upto
never will be close to that, maybe its wht makes u special n stand out from the rest

it is endless to say n write about us, mainly about you
but something unsaid are best kept secrets and which remains special in my heart
to which i would always want to have you close in my heart
cos u've made me realise you can do wht ur heart wants to as well..

~ x-mas wish list ~

2006-11-22T17:00:00.001+05:30

ok, call me a grown up brat for stil having a wishlist. i don believe in santa, but i believe in friends, hek hek hek. well not really, i've been treating myself n others for christmas, never really gor anythin.. ok this is another wy of telling ppl wht i wud like this christmas. although i don "celebrate" celebrate, just myself n mom at home, nice lunch and thats about it. thts how its been for sometime now. leaving that, here's the list:
1 - game console: doesnt matter PS2/3, x-box, definitely no WII, tht is just tooooo(im lost for words) ahhh sickenin to be called a game console, its like wank exerciser(except without all the pleasures)

2 - tech toys: mainly a graphic tablet(so in need if u want to see ma designs in digital :P), i dont know if i want ipod?!?! a new fone maybe.... xtnal hard drive maybe, WIFI/CDMA card for lappie. thts it for now im just blank.

3 - accessories: hmmm clothes i'd buy, though sl really doesnt have much to my taste. shoes are wy too expensive, im not botherd to cough up 12-15K on a shoe. though i have a major craving for shoes. specially bball, old skool reebok, converse designer. i spend so much time online on nike site designin ma shoes and then "SIGH" and clear it off. they don ship to asia, even if they did, shipping cost is about the same as the shoe.. so rather buy it in sl store. definitely watch is necessary for this christmas. i havent sported a watch for nearly 3-4 years, since i broke ma fav. didnt have the heart to buy another watch. a bracelet is line, im thinkin of going for charm braclet- with various hanging itenaries or chainlink or something else. any suggestion?? i sport a half seashell bracelet and a rubberband on the other wrist. Jeans - a dammm must, the hunt begins!!! more sweat shirts. recently i cant seem to get enough out of sweatshirts.

ok now in the dreamworld wish list

total tech setup - (if any of you guys read this and make it real in your life, please please be kind enough to invite me to your place, so i can kill you n take over the stuff hak hak hak, jus kidding, you make me jealous and the same face BRAD PITT had in the start of the movie MR(S)SMITH, remember the line "... there are times when you wish you could......", heehe)

one dedicated system, dont care HT, Dual core, hell i don care QUAD proccessor, better be good enough and never to cough when i load shit on you. a LCD / Plasma TV to take up the entire wall to fit in and crack into the next room as well. gamin console, nah not really when i have crackhead pc why seperate gaming, ill just fix up ma system to tv, but with console controllers. surround speakers to make your a** feel the vibration when the title of the movie is playin or tht heartstopping race scene in a movie. no need of a seperate music system, just plug it out to all the rooms in the house, more like piped music or split console music selection system(i need music while showering) a big leather couch, hi-speed internet access. thats good enough i suppose

vehicle - if i own a bike, there is no point in buyin what u cant drive legally, i should be able to show off any any given time. rave n race up with the bike. a decent 250 cbr/fireblade/bandit would do. although there are other option. Car - hmm now this better have the muscle when i push the pedal to the floor. im talkin about old school american muscle. Mustang, Hemi, Barracuda are my fav of the old skool. latest of coming of age - ENZO, F50, Cayman S, 911 Turbo, Diablo. thinking about mods - EVO, Lancer, thats it.

ok thats it for now, im goin to get back to real life(borin and sad) for now and forever and live it ssdd. do post up your list.

~ being lo$t / mi$$ing ~

2006-11-17T15:11:00.001+05:30

it all started on a late night at office, heavy browsing through some devianart stuff and killin my brain, wud i be able to achieve atleast 1% of the works in there... its just toooo good stuff there. leaving that, suddenly the net bonked off. since im using ma superviosor login(right now we both are in diff location) so sent a mail.. no reply, chased it up the next morning. get a freaking long mail, to put in simple multiple logins are causing his login to access fail to some sites. so he resets the password n im not allowed of it. darn there goes ma least privilage of spending time with some mode of entertainment or amusement. no net means doomsday for me. i was only able to read the comments left by ppl cause it comes to ma office mail(somehow i was smart on that ;P)hehe. well actually ppl wre looking for me.. thts the greatest feeling in sometime.. do ppl actually read ma scribblin n want me more to scribble like this all the borin things...hak hak(ok i copied this from my grlie n now i think im payin the price for it.

LD: she's in sl now, but im not.. too bad you have to wait..

so wth (i wud hav used wtf, but im not in such a pissy mood so im goin with *hell) was i doing all the while.
1. the mouse button is starting to shake lil bit when i even keep ma finger, cause i've pressed it so many times on send/receive button in ma mailbox.
2. never have i felt the length of 10hrs in a day like the days of my last+, tht was so disastrous. you wouldnt believe there was so much of time and to do that no work as well, i've had only 5 calls for the entire day!!
3. with all the free time, which bored the daylight off, went into the habit of sleepin in office. actually the entire last week i was sleepin for nearly a hr or less..
4. drawing all the insane design i can think of, thankfully i have a seperate cabin, but its not covered, ppl outside can see wht im doing. hell with that n went to sleep and do all the drawing
5. admist all this, finally decided to go see ma aunt n the rest. well thts somethin i wouldnt regret at al. its a fairly long trip in the bus, 5Hrs & 2 bus(lucky). it was kinda bumping, i was the only one sitting on my seat, i get tossed into the air n then back on my seat with my rib cage smashin into ma lungs.

the most funniest things is when i landed at ma aunts house at 5 in the mornin, they didnt who had come knockin at this hr in the morning. they didnt recognise me. i was like its me your bro's son!!. well wht can i expect it was tht time in the morning n i didnt even tell them i was comin :D was talkin with ma aunt in the wee hours, all the pleasantries and the all the family blah blah's. i was in no sleep.. my time of sleeping has passed.. ihave to sleep before 4/5 thts it.. other its only after 8 or 9 i'd sleep and get up within a hr.. so slept at abt 8 n then woke up after a hr.. as i put ma jeans to get out, i get the frown look from my aunt n uncle,"u just got home, where are you going?" - "i have to see all the ppl in a day, so ill be back before dinner". snooped out and then headed to ma uncles, then another one, then ma aunt(dad's sis) and then ma cuz place..
lucky timing ma cuz husband was just getting home from work. spend some time with ma niece n nephew, cute buggers.. lil n not so lil as well.. sitting n chatting around. it was time to get home before ma aunt starts blowing sirens. went home, but cudnt resist to stay at home, packed up ma laptop and went to ma uncle's place, ma cus got adsl, and tht guys is insane in downloading. NFL Madden is the only guy i managed to rip from his drive and few other softwares which i didnt manage to get it myself.. cracked version of Media player11 and few other stuff. im a day early for getting NFS Carbon & FIFA 07.. arrrh.. he was downloading which wud take a day or two. so backed back home, nice home made food(sweeeeeeeeetttttt stuff like nothin) i love my aunts cooking more than mom's...

was up untill 2 in the mornin playin NFL n kicked to bed. then it was a boring sunday. well nothin much to do n i was lazin around and copin some of ma niece's pic's n videos who lives in col for ma aunt n them but her player didnt manage to read, had to write them seperatly. had a heavy home made lunch. yummy yellow rice with thick indian chicken curry and fried.. gosh the taste is still in ma tongue. rolled straight to bed. n woke up a hr later time to pack up n leave. and ma other cuz shows up with her lil batta kid, cute.. was talkin to em.. then time to get going, with all the bye bye's..after instructing and WARNING im not goin to carry anythin for my mom or anyone back in sl, everyone sends stuff.. i refused n refused, finally gave up afer the naggin by my aunt. ok this is where the bad part starts - its raining, im wearing low jeans and i dont fold ma jeans, its been raining, so its muddy. i've got tip toe to walk around carryin a bag with heavy stuff n ma laptop. i so so freaking pissed with my aunt n them... im goin to be even more freaking pissed when i give these stuff to me mom n who ever else. i mean there is already stuff which ma uncle brought when he came to see me the week before and this again!?!?! it actually took 7hrs n 3 buses to come back.. and finally went to bed.. cos work during the day. a good weekend with a bad ending.

somehow begining of this week i managed to do some of other work and usual making report templates. breaking ma head with formulas n the wht not. so thts about the tale n boring long hours. somehow i manage to make a routine where ever i go or reside maybe.

well thts enough for now. if anyone has got down to reading this sentence, i'd buy your choc's when im back. not from the local kadee, but from dutyfree.. hehehe